Oh God she looked beautiful, much more so than I remember, but she is a woman now so I guess she should. I knew she would be beautiful, but I never imagined...this...this perfection.
This can't be real, I am dreaming, but why now? After four years of peace - finally - why now?
"You are dreaming Jake"
What the fuck! I spun on my heel so fast I damn near lost my footing and ass planted.
"Who the fuc..." I lost my voice.
This isn't real, can't be. Just to make sure I turn to double check and, yup, there you are, still sleeping wrapped in your sheet. Your hair sprawled out like an aura with its shine, one beautiful, delicate hand lightly brushing your nose, the other hidden under the pillow. Your face is peaceful, so like the last time I saw you.
"Must be nice to just remember me happy..." Shit, forgot you were there.
"happy and in love with you, my soul mate." You scoff when you say it. I can practically see the air quotes. It hurts when you say it like that, I honestly didn't think that you could affect me anymore. But here I am so entranced with seeing you again that I don't have a single thought in my head but you. And then I notice it, you, the you that is standing here talking to me, look the same. Not like the you sleeping, that you has grown into her body and I can see how your face has matured. But with you standing here I see that you look the same as you did the first day that I imprinted on you, down to the outfit.
"That's because this isn't me, this is you"
"What the hell does that mean" Finally, found my fucking voice. "What's happening? Where am I?" I had a lot more questions but those seem the most important at the moment.
"Yes, I suppose they are" You giggle. God I missed that sound- wait, what, how did you...
"I'm in your head, this is all.." your wave your hands around " in your head."
"Care to elaborate on that?"
"Sure, you always were a little slow on the uptake. Let's see..hmmm..where should I start." I hate when you do that-well did that- taunt me until I lose my shit. "Oh I know you hate it" I keep forgetting that she is in here. "But you also love it, so I do it. "
"Whatever, can I get an answer to, oh I don't know, one of my questions? " I am starting to get a little pissed off, now matter how much I love seeing your face.
"I am glad that you are happy to see me maybe that means there is some hope after all." Just as I go to open my mouth, you silence me by holding a hand to my mouth "For the love of God Jake, shut up and I will tell you." Your laughing again, and it makes me feel lighter than I have in so long.
"Anyways, just to move things along, cause there isn't much time left, this is li"
"What do you mean not muc.." If looks could kill, I would be dead right now. Zipping my mouth and crossing my arms I just nodded for her to continue.
"So, to simplify, right now this is a dream-sorta. You see, we are still connected, the imprint is not broken because you're an idiot." She fixed me with a pointed stare, " no, it's there in the background, drowning in your subconscious, hence me. Our souls are still connected Jake, it is just no longer a strong one, it is almost broken in fact." You look so happy with the prosepect of it breaking, gleeful almost.
"Why do you look so put out? You never wanted the stupid thing to begin with?" Stupid thing. Stupid thing. Stupid thing. Those two words were on repeat in my head, over and over again I heard her beautiful melodic voice telling me our bond was just some...stupid thing.
"Well it was Jake. It made my high school experience a nightmare and then put me through the worst pain of my entire life. It didn't mean anything to you, you fought it the beginning, cheated on me in the middle, and then for the big finale...you left me. You left me without a word, without any kind of explanation, or even a goodbye. You remember me happy because you didn't stick around for the sad, for the brokenness." I could see it written all over your face, the sadness. I could actually feel it, like a physical pain in my chest, and I hated myself for it. I hated myself because of how your face looked from a memory, and as much of a coward that makes me, I don't want to see you now. God that sounds so fucking bad, and I know I am a pussy, but I can't look at what I did to you. I can't see you broken, so I just never went back.
"Yes Jake, you are a coward but that is why I'm here. I came to give you a gift, because even after everything, I want you to be happy. And that " she pointed at you, still sleeping, the sheet having disappeared so that I can see all of you. "..well not exactly that" Lina said blushing a little. " But I came to show you me. To give you the gift of freedom. No guilt, no wondering 'what if' or 'how is she' in the back of your head, no more imprint. I am showing you that I am okay, that I not only survived but that I thrived Jacob. You will wake up soon so just look around for a little while longer. Look at my accomplishments and my happiness. Look at me and let go, once and for all, okay?"
To be honest I am a little dumbfounded, it's one thing to just see you again- at all. And now here you are, the girl I imprinted on and fell in love with, the girl I hurt and left behind. But to have you standing here, looking like you did the day we met, and then looking at you now, I am in awe. Everything your saying is coming in a little fuzzy, I hear it, but it's not...registering I guess you could say.
It's hard to look at you, even when you're talkng, because I am mesmorized by you lying completely exposed to me on the bed. You're so perfect it's unreal, this can't be real.
"It is real Jake, and thank you for the compliments." You're blushing again, it's captivating. Just as I turn to look at you sleeping the image goes blank.
But I saw it, I know I did.
"What the fuck was that?" Yelling at her as I turned around again.
"It's time for me to get the hell outta here, but I hope your ha...oww, that fuckin hurts you moron, let go." Prolly not the best idea to grab her like that, but fuck that, I yanked her up against me by her elbow, " Answer me Lina, what the fuck was that!"
"Let go of me Jacob." Your eyes are like steel. There is no warmth or kindness for me right now. So I let go only to watch you take two, kinda big, steps back from me.
"What, are you pissed off because I took away the nice view. Well I didn't come to give you a fuckin peep show you fucker, I came to let you know that I was okay, so that you could fully let go and be happy. Don't be an asshole and ruin it."
She's right. I know she's right. I should just thank her and let her go. But I can't stop picturing it, and the rage I feel is eating at me. I feel like I am boiling from the inside out.
But your right. I know you're right. I should stop and let it go, let you go. But I can't stop, can't stop seeing that big brown, calloused fucking hand sliding along your perfectly smooth caramel skin. So I do the inevitable, I do what I always do, I fuck it up.
"No Lina, tell me what the fuck that was!"
"You know what it was, why do you want me to say it? I am not trying to start a new...whatever it is with you, I am just trying to let you be happy Jake. I don't want to fight and hurt each other any more, okay?"
"Okay, no more hurting each other." I will never get tired of seeing you smile. "But I still want to see." It's not a question so much as a statement. I really hate seeing your face fall, your full lips falling into a frown. " Look, you said you came back to show me that you were happy and that your life was full, right?"
"RIght. Not to give you a private screening." Crossing your arms over your chest in defiance.
You're exhausting, "Look, I hate that someone is fucking touching you at all right now, so getting off is the last thing on my mind. I don't know why" and I didn't, "and I know it's masochistic," which it is, "but I just want to see. Please Lina."
You're biting your lip and there is a deep crease in your eyebrows, that only appears when you're really concentrating. Finally you stop focusing on the floor and nod your consent.
"You weren't meant to see this." You look so crest fallen, so resigned. But you stand by your word and I am momentarily knocked stupid at the image in front of me.
There you are, back arched with your pert tits pointing to the ceiling, hands thrown behind your head trying to latch onto anything you can, moaning and panting. I was getting turned on, I could feel my dick starting to get hard, but as soon as it came it went. I was so focused on you getting off, I didn't think how it was happening until one of your hands flew under this sheet and there it was, that hand that fucking haunted me, snaking its way out from under the sheet, sliding up your sweat sheened body only to stop tug at your nipples.
God Lina, the moaning, it was killing me. I know how you sound in the sack, I know what's genuine with you and what's not, and what you're doing now, the whimpers and gasps, those are all real. You love it, and I fucking hate you for it. As that dickhead starts moving his fingers to your mouth the sheets begins to fall away, only to reveal a tanned, muscular fucking arm.
'Of course, she wouldn't want a runt after being with an alpha.' I was a mixture of arrogant, pissed off, and jealous. While I'm sitting here killing the bastard with my stare, the sheet falls back more, enough to reveal a tattoo. A pack tattoo.
WHAT THE FUCK!? MY FUCKIN PACKMATE!
"Who was that Lina! Tell me who that fucking WAS!" I'm over-reacting, I know it, but how could she. How could she be with one of my brothers? Actually no, fuck that, how could one of my so called fuckin 'brothers' fuck my soul mate!
"Because I am not your soul mate remember? You said so yourself, time and time again. You fought with everything you had to be rid of me, and you got what you wanted, so you have no reason, or any right really, to be any of the things you are being right now. You didn't want me Jake, did you think that I was so unlovable that nobody would...ever?" I can see your eyes starting to gloss over, I hate so much hurting you, even after all this time it's feels like a dagger to the heart when you cry. But you only let one tear fall, and then your big almond eyes looked into mine and I was a goner again. I felt it all again, remembered so clearly why I loved you so much, why a part of me still loves you, and probably always will.
"No. No you won't Jake. That is why I am doing this for you now. So that you can know that everything is good and you can have your fresh start. No strings, no attachment, no mystical bond. You will remember me, maybe, it was such a short time together and it was so long ago..." That crease is back in between your eyes again, I guess you didn't think of that aspect huh? Shaking out of your thoughts you smile at me again, "No, I didn't think of that. But it will not matter. Didn't really figure you remembered much of me now, but with what we had being so long ago, and solely based on the imprint, I don't know if our time together will have been significant enough for you to really feel any loss about it when the imprint is completely severed. But like I was say..."
"What do you mean 'completely severed'?" As soon as I asked the question a high pitched wail sounded behind me, I would know that sound anywhere, you came. Before I knew what I was doing, my neck craned around and I saw the shrouded figure begin to climb up My Lina's spent sprawled body, the higher the got the more the sheet came off, when I saw his face I felt my world crumble. Of all the guys on the rez, in the pack, I never thought it would be him. Shit, it never even crossed my mind. But there you are, kissing her, nipping at her delicious skin, and sliding into her tight, wet heat. I am going to fucking kill you you backstabbing, two-faced, son of a BITCH!
"..yes...yes...God YES...FUCK ME yessss...Ohh...Oh fuck...I'm...I'm about to come Em..FUCK"
"Not yet baby... that's it...God your pussy feels so...so...fuckin...ughh...tight...you like that baby.."
"Yes...yes Em, Fuck me harder..yes..Ahhhh goddamnit .good"
"That's it baby..."
"Please Em...please.."
"Please what AliCat"
Ali cat, who the fuck is that, her name is Melina you prick.
He has her hands pinned over her head and he is pounding into her, hard, sucking and biting on her neck and nipples.
"...ughhh...mmmhmm...mmm Ali...SO. FUCKING. GOOD." Each thrust
"Who do you belong to baby...tell me..who" ME! She belongs to me motherfucker!
"You baby...you"
"Who's pussy is this kitty cat, who owns this cunt!"
"You...you...You...PLEASE EMBRY! PLEASE!"
"Say it again...who do you belong to...who's your fuckin alpha!"
ME GOD DAMN IT! ME! She belongs to M
"YOUUUUUU...YOURSSS...PLEASE...PLEASE GOD PLEASE"
"CUM"
"YESSSSSSSS! EMBRY!"
I want to act like a petulant child and close my eyes, cover my ears, and hum. Well, with how loud you are, no, fuck humming, I want to scream. I want to throw a fucking tantrum, but I am a grown man now- and you're watching me.
I see you looking at me, scrutinizing my reaction, and instead of any kind words or comfort, you look indifferent. Do you not care about me at all anymore?
"This isn't the real me, remember. And besides, I really don't know why you are upset, you didn't want me remember. You can't be mad that someone else did."
"I can be mad Lina! I can be as mad and hurt and fucking jealous as I want. You don.."
"...I love you Ali" Please don't say it back Lina, please.
" I love you too E, so much" And there it is, the pain I thought I would never feel over you again. The pain is almost crippling, my knees begin to buckle but just before I hit the floor I hear Embry "...Ali!...Alicat what's wrong baby?" He sounds panicked, kneeling over you, checking you for injuries, but when he moves aside all I see is you clutching at your chest, face contorted in pain. it's when Embry sits back against the headboard and pulls you against him that I finally realize what happened to you, you feel me.
"Yes, I do. I told you our connection is not severed all the way yet. But soon, we will both be free."
Running my hands through my hair in frustration I yell at her "Why do you keep saying that?!" What do you mean, just fucking spit it out Lina. PLEASE!"
You let me have my outburst, and then calmly, like I didn't just blow up in your face, answer me with the worst thing I have ever heard in my life.
"Embry is going to mark me Jake. After we are married."
I started to choke, and shake, violently. "So what if he leaves a flimsy little bite on your neck, that will not break an imprint. If it were that simple than Sam would have marked Leah the first chance he got after the imprint." I was so confident in my point that I actually felt a bit smug. But you stand there, looking at me with a mixture of shock, disbelief, anger, and I could be fooling myself, but something in your eyes started sparkling. Hope maybe...
Like you're dealing with a child throwing a tantrum, which is how I am acting I suppose, you slowly close the space between us and gently lay your hand against my cheek.
"Sam's imprint was strong and new and he didn't know it could be broken, nobody did. We didn't think it was possible to reject or be away from you imprint either, but then you left, and you stayed gone. You are the one that showed us imprinting is not infallible, mistakes can be made- like you and me..."
"A mistake? Really Lina? A fucking mistake! That's what is was. Good to know." Sarcasm and anger dripping from my voice.
"Yes Jake, a mistake. We were not meant to be, we never were. I mean look at the others, of all the other imprinted pairs, did you see any of them act even remotely close to the way we did? We fought it all the way, especially you, this is a good thing Jake, this is what you wanted, this is how it is supposed to be."
"No, no no no." I am so confused right now, this is what I wanted right? What I fought so hard for. "I...I...I .." I was at a loss for words. So you go on,
"But our imprint, it wasn't meant to be.."
"STOP saying that. I thought you didn't want to hurt me, I thought.."
"I don't want to hurt you Ja.."
"LIAR! You are saying this to do just that. You showed me that..that..that fucking pup touching you, fucking you, yeah you want to hurt me. How could you not" It was crap, we both knew it, but I had nothing else.
"I am not hurting you Jake, you are. Our bond is weak but not broken." You didn't say the 'yet' that I know you want to say "..but I have let you go, finally. And even though we can't feel the other like we used to, my spirit is begging me to give yours rest. That is what I meant by sort of a dream. Me, that me.." You gesture to the image of you snuggled up on Embry's naked body, still breathing heavily and rubbing circles in your chest. "won't remember or know anything about this. This is not a conscious act, but a spiritual one, between only the two of us. You will remember, you will know when it happens too, but I wanted for our spirits to finally rest, to stop searching for the other, stop feeling as though something is missing."
I was broken, I felt like my body has just been put through a meat grinder.
"When?" I was nothing more than a whisper, but what else can I say.
"Eight months from tonight." I see it now, the diamond resting on your left ring finger, it's nice, I wonder how he pulled that off. Last time I checked, not to many jobs pay great on the rez.
"We don't live on the reservation anymore, I left when Embry imprinted, but..."
"Whoa, what? What do you mean he imprinted, you're getting...married" It was hard for me to even say it out loud.
"He imprinted two years after we started dating, that day, I packed up my shit, emptied my bank accounts, and left. But unlike you I stayed in touch with my family. I called and wrote and let them know what was happening. The only thing I would never talk about was Embry, he was off limits- just like you. But eventually I settled down and went to school. Then one day I come home from work and there he is, sprawled accross my 'Welcome Home' mat asleep. He followed me Jake, me. He left his imprint behind and chose me, he fought his imprint for me and won. It was so strange at first, I didn't trust him, and I kept waiting for him to change his mind and go back to her, but he never did. He fought through the agony, the pain of seperating from her. He fought his imprint to be with me, all you ever did was fight your imprint with me." That was a sucker punch if there ever was one. I couldn't say anything, she was right. She was always right. I wonder...
"I have to go now Jake, you have to wake up okay. This took way longer than expected."
She was saying goodbye to me that is what's happening. She will disappear and instead of her smile being my last memory of her, it is this. Watching her get fucked by the closest thing I have ever had to a real brother and having her tell me that whatever we had, is broken, or will be, officially. And soon. This is it, the last time I will ever see or talk to her again.
It may not be real but a dream is better than nothing right, so grab her again, much softer this time, and I pull her body flush against mine. Startled she looks up at me with those big doe eyes, confusion and fear written accross her face.
"No Jake, you can't.." why do you look so scared Lina, it's just a kiss.
"Our last kiss Lina, please just give me this. Like you said, you won't actually remember it, this isn't your body, you're not..cheating" I sneer the word " it is just one, barely tangible, kiss. What not, what would it hurt?"
"It would hurt me Jacob, just don't, I can't tell you why just that.."
Screw that. And I kissed her.
You son of a bitch, I felt that!"
"That was kind of the point" I reply smirking at you. It quickly fades though when I see real terror in your eyes. Following your line of vision I turn and see what you're looking at, at you. You are watching yourself with Embry, but while he sits there clueless, running his filthy fingers through your silky mane, you are lightly touching your bruised and swollen lips with a look of unadultered terror.
Wait, did you...you're touching your lips...does that mean?
"Lina, Lina did you feel that? I mean, the other you, did you?" No answer.
Grabbing your shoulders I face you towards me and all the sudden you're pissed.
"You selfish, self-serving, self-absorbed, arrogant fucking asshole!" Crimson is rushing to your cheeks and your entire body is shaking like you are about to phase " I came here to let go, to help us both let go. I came so that you, that we had closure and a chance and true happiness with our real mates. But no, now look at what you've done. I felt it, of course I felt it. Now there will be confusion, more confusion and heartbreak, more longing and wondering, more missing. I...I...why, why did you have to ruin this? Why couldn't you let me be happy too, are you the only one who matters, do you find me so undeserving Jacob?"
There is a brokenness in your eyes now, I despise myself for it, but I can't, I can't just let you go Lina.
"Why Jake? You let me go a long time ago, you just don't like it that this doesn't feel like your decision this time, which is right, cause it's not. This time it is my choice Jake, and I choose Embry…" You turn to look at him holding you and a serene smile spreads across your features, the sadness that I caused in your eyes is now replaced with a gentle adoration. It is killing me to watch you look at him like that.
"It is not killing you Jake, it just hurts is all. You will not die." You turn to me and place your hands on my slumped shoulders with an ease that tells me you are really over me, over this. "I promise."
"How can you be so ready to end it? Do you know if you will even remember me, will you ever think of me again when it is done?"
"I will always think of you Jake, you were my first love, but instead of the constant ache that accompanies my memories, it will only be with a fondness of an old lover and friend with whom I shared so many firsts with. I will remember you Jake, I can promise you that." I watch as you raise your delicate hand and place it on my cheek, I lean into the touch, savoring these last moments of contact between us. I want capture this moment and keep it forever, I want to keep you forever, and my heart breaks once more with the realization that this is will be all that I have left of you, a memory of your spirit letting go of mine, releasing me- as you say.
"I am releasing you Jake."
Please. "Please." I don't know what else to say. Please what? Please don't go. Please don't love him. Please still want me. Please..what?
"Exactly Jake. That's the exact reason you have to give me this. You never really knew what you wanted, just that you never wanted to imprint. I will give you points for at least semi trying to make it work, for the sake of me, but all of your resistance and indecision only ever hurt me. I know you can look back and see that. The good times were few and far between, so I am asking you, please don't hurt me anymore Jake. Please just let me be happy too." You are looking at me with such sincerity and hope in your eyes, I want to just stay here, and have you keep looking at me like that.
"You have a good thing here Jake, you've been happy all this time. The only thing that was truly holding you back was that "what if" in the back of your mind. The wondering if I was okay, or if I had pulled a Bella and gone catatonic." You just had to get your dig in didn't you, I think with mirth. " I really did think that coming here, that doing this would help you. I have already let go, sort of" You turn to look at you again, there is still a bit of confusion and fear in your eyes as you look off into the distance, your hand occasionally leaving your chest to brush across your lips. Then you turn to look at me with a scowl again. "I hadn't thought about you in a while now, not like that anyways. It was more like the "I hope he is doing well" kind of thing. But now..I don't even know. I am hoping that maybe I will just believe that it was a fluke, that I couldn't have possibly really felt that, but I know I won't. I just hope that it doesn't affect me to strongly."
Is it bad that I hope it does?
"Yes." You point me with a glare again. "It is bad, it's selfish and hurtful. I am happy, and so are you. We have found our mates, our loves, and I just want for the both of us to be free Jake. Won't you do this for me? I have never asked for anything from you Jake, so please remember that in comparison to all you have asked of me, and let me be happy."
And with that, your final plea, you lay your hand against my cheek and place a soft kiss on the other. When you pull back there is a look of love and adoration in your eyes that I thought I would never see again. And you were gone.
Aside from this feeling of despair, I am grateful. All I am thinking at this moment is 'Thank you', for giving me that look just one more time. Like I was your world again.
And to please 'Come back'.
Then I wake up.