Title – Sleep to dream her
Author – Just Me
Rating – PG-15
Feedback – Is Spike a hottie!? In other words yes, please feed me back at justme@starflower.freeserve.co.uk
Spoilers – This takes place after The Gift, I'm assuming Joss has worked his particular brand of magic and Buffy is back from wherever she went to at the end of season 5.
Summary – Angsty/Romance fic. From Spike's P.O.V - Buffy's back and has struck up an unusual arrangement with Spike.
Disclaimer – Everything in the Buffyverse belongs to Joss Whedon and the peeps at Mutant Enemy. I own nothing except Spike; Spike is all mine…we're happily married and living together in the crypt o' lurve…hey stop that…I don't wanna lie down…I'm not sleepy at all…stop poking me…Zzzzzzz.
The lyrics used in this fic are Sleep To Dream her by Dave Matthews Band and therefore either belong to DMB or their record company.
Dedication – This is for my wonderful sisters Digitalis, Maggie, Mandikins, Rain and Vixen – may your Spikes always be nekkid and covered in chocolate
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We never bother with formalities. There's no 'How are you?' or 'How was your day?' for us, what we have is raw and impolite. Ours is a relationship borne of need and loneliness, a longing for companionship without expectations. I suppose you could say we have an understanding, I understand that she doesn't love me, may never love me, and she understands that I will never leave her; I would do anything to keep her.
So once again we suspend belief, I am no longer a soulless vampire and she is no longer the slayer of my kind. In this moonlit house of illusion we are but man and woman, she gives herself to me unfettered of destiny, grants me life and allows me to love her, and I do. I love her with all that I am and all I will become and as we lie here together, her ragged breath heating my cool skin, beads of perspiration glistening on her brow, I show her how much. I know I will get nothing in return.
I know I'll miss her later
Wish I could bend my love to hate her
Wish I could be her creator
To twist her arms now
At times like these I wish I could hate her, that by sheer force I could will my undead heart to despise her as it once did, but then she'll open her eyes and study my face as if committing it to memory and I know those eyes can read the pain and uncertainty in mine. She smiles at me and places a delicate kiss on my lips. A kiss full of sorrow and regret, sorrow that this is the way things must be and regret that she cannot, will not, return my love.
I can sense her release building so I slow my pace, unwilling to let her leave just yet lest tomorrow our tentative truce vanishes and we revert to being enemies.
She stares up at the stars when
The stars fell from her hair then
I bent down to collect them
And then she was gone
"Spike…please."
I remember I once told her that she wasn't the begging kind but I was wrong; she's begging me to let her go, to leave this place where we balance so precariously between pleasure and pain, to push her over the precipice, so I do, my heart breaking with every thrust. I lower my lips to hers and swallow her cries of pleasure. Her ecstasy fills my lungs in a parody of the kiss of life yet this resembles more a kiss of death, for I know that when it ends this wraithlike beauty will flee the scene of this abomination and I will be dead once more.
Oh I sleep just to dream her
I beg the night just to see her
That my only love should be her
Just to lie in her arms
"I love you…stay with me."
I murmur my most heartfelt desire into the crook of her neck and feel her pulse fluttering beneath my tongue as I kiss and lick my way over her jugular. Biting her isn't something I want to do, even if I could, I have no yearning to mar the honeyed flawlessness of her skin with my fangs; it is enough for me that she permits me this level of closeness when all her senses must be screaming for her to defend herself against an attack. It is enough that I can hold this petite yet deceptively powerful woman in my arms as little by little she drifts back to reality, a reality where we are allies in battle and antagonists in tranquillity, a reality where we must behave as if these encounters never happen.
Oh, I came there to find out
Find out she'd made up her mind, oh
My arms are all tied up
To me she was blind
"I…I can't, you know that. Dawn will be wondering where I am."
"Truth be told Buffy, I'm sure Dawn is having a high old time at the witches place and isn't even giving big sis a second thought."
I'm unable to tear my eyes away from the gentle rise and fall of her chest as her breathing slows to a steady pace. It is such a simple human trait, carried out instinctively, however I am mesmerised by it and I strive to mimic the action in spite of the fact that it is unnecessary. When we're together I love to listen to her breathing; it comforts me and I'm reassured that she is not a figment of my fevered imagination, she is real, she is alive and for a moment she is mine.
I tangle my fingers in her hair and kiss her forehead, tasting the salty sheen that is clinging to her body. She is bathed in moonlight streaming in through the barred window of the crypt and my unneeded breath catches at this all too brief glimpse of perfection.
"Stay with me Buffy. Just this once I want to wake up and have you still be here…please?"
This space between us
Where wingless dreams fall earless
Will you not bear me witness
With your back to me now
I feel her sigh against my shoulder and I can almost see the weight of her responsibilities in this world coming to rest upon her shoulders. She places her tiny palms on my chest, pushing me away from her body and I close my eyes; it's a small act of self-preservation. I know from experience that it will hurt too much if I watch as she turns her back to me and picks up her clothes.
In my heart I already knew what her answer would be, I was foolish to even dare ask the question, I never have before. I've always accepted the terms of our unwritten contract.
It seemed so unnerving
Still somehow deserving
That she could hold my heart so tightlyAnd still not see me here, oh
"Spike? This…thing…that we have, whatever it is, you know it can't last forever right."
"Buffy luv I…"
"Sooner or later one of us will have to end it, we both know that. I…we…came into this with the knowledge that it was finite."
"Buffy look at me..."
She looks over her shoulder at me, emerald green eyes downcast, chewing her bottom lip and scrunching her forehead in an anxious frown. I cannot bear to see the hopelessness of our situation written on her face. Clasping her chin gently, I tilt her face upwards and her doleful eyes meet mine.
"…I don't really know what we have here or even why we have it, all I know for sure is that I love you and, even if all this ends tomorrow, I will keep on loving you. I'm never going to leave you Buffy no matter how hard you push me away. I'm not going to be the one that ends it."
I reach over and into the pocket of my coat. I'm looking for my cigarettes although I don't especially feel the craving; I just want to occupy my hands so as to keep them from taking hold of her and pulling her back down to lie beside me on the bed. Despite all evidence to the contrary I'm not completely hedonistic, I realize that right now she wouldn't appreciate that particular gesture.
I can always tell what she's thinking in the same way that she can more or less read my mind. When we fight alongside each other no words are spoken, we signal our intentions with our eyes. But here and now I can't bring myself to read the message she is sending me.
She pulls on her boots and stands up; my eyes follow her as she walks towards the door. I should tell her to stop, I should leap from this bed and prevent her from leaving me again, yes that is what I should do…but I won't, I can't. What would be the point? She would resent it and I would end up feeling more of a monster than I do already. It's selfish to want to keep her here with me in the dark when she is a creature of daylight; I can only offer her moonlight and memorials, she spends too much time in this bloody cemetery as it is.
So instead I do nothing, I let her go and I don't know if she's ever coming back. That's how it is between us. I close my eyes and will myself to sleep, hoping that peaceful slumber awaits me and that I will not dream of her.
Oh, I sleep just to dream her
Beg the night just to see her
That my only love should be her
Just to lie in her arms
"I knew this was wrong. I knew that if I kept coming back I'd…I'd start falling for you."
I'm not sure how long I've been asleep. My eyes are still closed and for a brief moment I'm sure that this is another dream, that the Buffy of wakefulness has gone and this ethereal being has taken her place, whispering the words that every fibre of my body aches to hear. Her hand grasps mine, graceful fingers interweaving with my own, and in that instant I know that this is my desire made flesh.
I hear the soft whispers of cloth against skin as she undresses and slips under the cotton sheet that is covering my body.
"Buffy?"
She places an elegantly painted fingertip on my lips, silencing me.
"Shhh Spike, no words okay? If we talk then I'll have to think and if I think too much right now, I'll lose my nerve. Just sleep."
I nod my acquiescence as my lifeless heart lurches in my chest; I kiss her fingertip tenderly and close my eyes again as I feel her warm body relax against mine.
I know I'll miss her later
Wish I could bend my love to hate her
Wish I could be her creator
To be the light in her eyes
I'm aware that, even now, her love is not mine but I have a crumb of potential, a barest smidgen of hope and I know that is more than a monster such as myself could ever expect. I have been granted a momentary view of sunlight and I will bask in its glow, safe in the knowledge that I will not burn.
~fin~
***