All These Things That I've Done
By: Brittany (Kuroneko-sama07)
Rated: K+
Disclaimer: Don't. Own. FMA. Or the song...
A/N: Ever since the manga ended, I feel like a part of my life has ended as well... Like, seriously, I had grown an emotional attachment to this series. Well, I guess the only thing left to do now is delve into the world of FMA fandom! xD Anyway, this fic is a one-shot songfic to "All These Things That I've Done" by The Killers. Set during ch. 108 (so, spoilers!), these are the thoughts of Hohenheim as he slips away after the battle and returns to Trisha's grave. Enjoy!
/ / When there's nowhere else to run
Is there room for one more son? One more son?
If you can hold on,
If you can hold on, hold on / /
I could feel it. My time was up. It almost felt... frightening.
I fled shortly after the battle had ended. I had been completely willing to sacrifice my last life for Alphonse's sake, but Edward wouldn't let me. I had never been a real father to him, and Alphonse was probably the most important person in his life, but he still didn't want me to die. I didn't deserve that. But, at the same time, I felt so proud. I knew Edward was going to be the man I never was.
As I continued my trek to my final destination, I felt a strange sense of fatigue come over me. It felt as if it had been a long time coming.
/ / I wanna stand up, I wanna let go
You know, you know - no, you don't, you don't
I wanna shine on in the hearts of man
I wanna mean it from the back of my broken hand / /
My mind wandered back to distant memories - to a time when I had briefly convinced myself that I could lead a normal life with a family. I had been delusional. I used to regret that decision to settle down, but now, after everything that has happened, I no longer do. In fact, now, I regret not settling down for longer.
"Smile, dear!" Trisha cheerfully commanded Hohenheim as the family prepared to have their photograph taken.
But, the man beside her simply couldn't bear to smile. As the camera flashed, he couldn't stop the tears from streaming down his face.
I remember when Trisha finally saw that photograph. I remember watching her from the doorway of the kitchen as she slumped down at the table with the picture in her hand. She cried quietly, and I felt more depressed than I had the day of the picture. But, she never asked me about it. I think she knew.
/ / Another head aches, another heart breaks
I am so much older than I can take
And my affection, well it comes and goes
I need direction to perfection, no, no, no, no / /
The moment that photograph was snapped, everything dawned on me - the situation I had put myself and my new family in. I suddenly had wanted nothing more than to be normal, to be mortal. If I stayed with them, I would have to watch them grow, age, and die while I stayed the same. They would have to live with the fact that I was a monster. And, a day would come when I would have to live without them. I knew I couldn't handle that. In just those few years, I had already grown so fond of them.
They loved me. And I was going to let them down. I did let them down.
I thought by leaving them I was letting them go on with their normal lives. They would be happy; I knew I had to find a way stop Homunculus - or, "Father" as he came to be called - and I didn't want my new family to have any part in that. I truly planned on returning, even though I knew that I would be gone for a very long time. But, I still told myself that everyone would be better off without me for a while.
God, I couldn't have been more wrong. I ruined their lives. No matter what anyone says, I'll always feel responsible.
/ / Help me out
You know you got to help me out
Oh, don't you put me on the back burner
You know you got to help me out / /
My life growing up as a slave in Xerxes seemed so long ago now. I was so ignorant back then, but even after all this time, I don't feel as if that has changed much. You would think that after living one full life, you would have most everything figured out. But, I've lived through several lifetimes and was still learning from all of my mistakes.
I loved Trisha. I still do. Growing up as a slave didn't leave me with many opportunities for love, and even after I began wandering on my own, it remained to be something I had never felt. I didn't care, though. At that point, love was something I believed I didn't deserve, and honestly, a part of me still feels that way.
Trisha was the first person to begin to make me feel otherwise.
/ / And when there's nowhere else to run
Is there room for one more son?
These changes ain't changing me
The gold-hearted boy I used to be / /
"You're not bothered about what I am? About what has happened to me?" Hohenheim asked her, in disbelief. He had just revealed his most intimate secret - something which should have been seen as horrifying. But, Trisha was calm.
"I'm sad. Sad to know that you have to live with this," she replied. "But it doesn't make me love you any less." She gave him a small smile, and his eyes widened at that statement. He really hadn't expected this.
"I just don't understand..." he whispered as his eyes fell to the ground.
Trisha gently placed her hand on his. "Hohenheim... You may think that you're just a Philospher's Stone, but to me, you're still a man. A caring man. And that's all that matters to me. So, stop trying to convince me that you're not worth loving."
Their eyes met, and Hohenheim had to fight back tears. He wondered, how could he have been so lucky to find someone as perfect as her? His hands wrapped around her small wrists and he pulled her into his chest. She slid her arms around his neck, and he buried his face in her silky hair. He knew that he was hugging her tightly - perhaps too tightly - but she didn't protest. And, he felt as if he couldn't let go.
/ / You know you got to help me out
Oh, don't you put me on the back burner
You know you got to help me out
You're gonna bring yourself down / /
I began noticing familiar scenery around me. I was getting close.
Reminiscing seemed to be the only way to keep my mind off how incredibly tired I was becoming. My few years spent with my family were truly the best years of my entire life.
"Dad! Look!" shouted a young Edward as he ran up the hill to his father. The boys had been playing outside while Hohenheim was helping Trisha hang the laundry. Hohenheim looked at the boy quizzically when he noticed that Ed appeared to be holding something, his small hands were clamped together.
"What is it?" Hohenheim inquired as he leaned down to be more on his son's level. He couldn't see anything in Ed's hands, but he knew it was something because Ed was visibly fighting back giggles.
Ed jerked his hands apart, and immediately, a huge, bright green grasshopper sprang out of his palm. Hohenheim quickly jumped out of the way to avoid being hit in the face by the bug. He couldn't help but frown slightly at his son - he wasn't used to being caught off guard - but the mischievous boy was wearing a large, toothy grin.
Edward bounded off down the hill filling the air with laughter as he sang, "Daddy's scared of bugs! Daddy's scared of bugs!"
Hohenheim soon realized that Ed wasn't the only one laughing at him. Little Al was sitting in the grass giggling at the sound of his brother's sing-song voice, and Trisha was trying to stifle her laughter but failing miserably.
"Honey," she said between giggles as she slipped her arm around his waist, "you really did jump at the sight of that bug." Hohenheim frowned. He was not scared of a bug. It just startled him, is all. Just then, a fairly large caterpillar crawling on a leaf on the ground caught his eye. Before Trisha could even realize what he was doing, Hohenheim grabbed the bug and tossed it at her.
Ed and Al watched in amusement as their mother jumped about in a frenzy, shrieking "get it off! get it off!", and their father was practically doubled over in laughter.
/ / I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier / /
I couldn't help but chuckle at that last memory. Ed was always so rambunctious, and Al was the calm and quiet one even at such a young age. I guess some things never change...
But, I only really knew them for those first few years of their lives. I wasn't there to see them grow up and become the men they are today. I wasn't there to really get to know them, and I wish that I had been.
And, looking back now, wasn't my leaving pointless? My sons ended up getting involved in the very thing I was trying to keep them from.
/ / You know you got to help me out
Oh, don't you put me on the back burner
You know you got to help me out
You're gonna bring yourself down / /
"Trisha..." Hohenheim began as he solemnly looked over at her. "I'm leaving."
Trisha sighed. "I knew you would be saying that."
Hohenheim frowned. This was something that they both knew would be coming eventually; yet, they couldn't keep the sadness from appearing on their faces. His lips parted but words wouldn't come out. He knew there was nothing he could say to make this easier.
Trisha walked over to him, wrapped her arms around his waist, and leaned her head against his chest. "I just want you to remember that the boys need you. I need you," she whispered.
He gently stroked her cheek with his hand as he lifted her face up so their eyes could meet. Trisha could see the pain in his eyes and it made her heart ache. Hohenheim let his thumb brush against her lips as he leaned in closer to her. He kissed her - lightly at first but then growing more firm.
He sighed as he pulled away and rested his forehead against hers. "And you have no idea how much I need you," he whispered before pulling away from her. "But, I..."
"I know," she said. "I know there's something you need to do." And, she was right. He had to finish what he started so many years ago.
"I promise I'll return," he said. He wasn't completely sure he'd be able to keep that promise.
/ / Over and in, last call for sin
While everyone's lost, the battle is won
WIth all these things that I've done / /
Finally, I could see my destination ahead of me. I was back in Resembool, and it still felt like home after all these years. I made my way up to the town cemetery, thankful that no townspeople were out at this time. My time was running short.
I made my way through the maze of gravestones, remembering exactly where my love rested. Nearly collapsing, I knelt down at her grave. A wave of emotions passed through me.
"Trisha...," I whispered as my fingers slid across her name engraved on the stone. "I thought living forever was nothing but exhausting. But since I met you and our sons, for the first time I felt glad to be alive."
/ / All these things that I've done
If you can hold on
If you can hold on / /
It was a full life. Yes, this is enough... I thought. And yet, my heart still ached. I had just gotten to know my sons. I wanted so badly to be able to see them with their own families one day.
"...Ah, damn it! I don't really want to die," I exclaimed quietly with a soft chuckle. But, it was too late to begin feeling that way now. My thoughts returned to Trisha. She was who I belonged with now; she was waiting for me.
"Hold on, Trisha... We can finally be together." I couldn't stop my eyes from closing as I spoke. I couldn't keep my promise in this world, but perhaps I still can in the afterlife. A small smile crept onto my face, and I breathed a sigh of relief as I felt the many souls within me, including my own, slip away.
Well, how was it? I hope I didn't skip around too much... It doesn't help that I didn't write this in one sitting. (Far from it - I actually worked on this for almost a month!) Hohenheim was harder to write than I originally thought he would be. Writing this made me realize how complex of a character he truly is. Anyway, I'd like to hear your thoughts! Thanks for reading!