I claim no ownership of anything belonging to the Ben 10 franchise. This is still, honest to your choice of deity, my favorite insane Null Void related story found here. I laughed so hard. I mean the original version, of course, not my parody of. Nothing I do will ever be as funny, nor as completely ludicrous, as THAT.
D'Void awoke to the sound of utter tormented hell. He blinked and focused blurry eyes, coming quickly to the realization that it was merely his freakishly unavoidable Null Guardian baby-creature, now appropriately named, Screamy-Sobby Boo-Boo. His ominous presence was never without hers, quite unfortunately, due to tragic circumstances. That being, of course, obsessed hypocritical Suethors who spam daily their thousands of obnoxious tales of self-insertion based woe, misery, and disturbing sexual fetishism onto copyrighted characters they have no ownership of, but like to pretend they do anyway.
"Uhhh, waaa?" he mumbled incoherently before Screamy-Sobby bit him in the face. "Ow, okay, I'm up, I'm up!" He sat up and rubbed his aching yet none the less handsome visage. "What the hell do you want from me now?"
SSBB vomited into his lap. Somehow he had become able to read her puke language. Which wasn't really a language. He interpreted her violent actions that morning as the intense desire to have a picnic.
"Honestly, not the most absurd thing I can have happen," D'Void muttered as he got out of bed. He stepped on a Lego. It only hurt a little since he was within the confines of his citadel area which housed his large and evil dimensional-ripping drill-furnace combo that kept him super powered and nigh invulnerable. "How many times have I told you not to leave your toys around, SSBB?"
SSBB vomited angrily while scream-sobbing hysterically.
"No, more than that," D'Void said with a sigh. "Not that it matters. You never listen to me anyway."
SSBB proceeded to bite the carpet, thrashing it about in her mouth.
"Yes, by all means, let's go do what bizarre illogical thing you want to do instead of force the slaves to continue keeping my evil drill-furnace fueled, so I can rip through the dimensions and the Plumbers Helpers don't find a way to overthrow my rule," D'Void groaned.
He was compelled to do so. As much as he desired it, he could not resist the overpowering will of his annoying highly illogical baby Null Guardian-daughter-thing. It was almost as if she was a reality-warping author's device created solely to bend him into a more palatable, more sympathetic, less violently psychotic, emotionally cold, and completely self-absorbed villainous character! Well, that's because she was. But let's continue to deny that, shall we?
SSBB began to shriek violently at the narration for its insinuating she wasn't completely perfect, so well designed and better than all those slutty little human girls out there. Animals cannot be Mary Sues, as everyone knows. Cue omniscient collective derisive snort.
SSBB began to jut out her lips, which she...didn't actually have...but we'll pretend she did to make the following scenes less confusing...in a pout, and then began to sob hysterically once again.
"Oh no," D'Void muttered in a dry monotone, "I, for whatever reason, cannot resist your disgustingly manipulative bawling. We shall go have a picnic immediately. Logic be damned." He put his arms out in a zombie-like manner and proceeded to the kitchen, shuffling his feet the entire way.
SSBB vomited happily in response, skittering close behind her dear old Daddy.
D'Void stared into his absurdly convenient and very well stocked refrigerator. "Why the fuck do we have this kind of stuff in here? It makes no sense!" He shrugged and began to pull out freshly made sandwiches, fruits, desserts, etcetera, and further etcetera. He turned around and saw SSBB had a stereotypical cartoon picnic basket clenched firmly in her jaws. "And that's even more absurdly convenient. "Why the fucking fuck do we have that?"
SSBB swallowed the basket before D'Void could pry it from her teeth.
"Well, it was. For as long as it lasted," he said. He grabbed a tote bag and threw the stuff inside of it. "This works about as well."
SSBB vomited onto his feet. She let out a shrieking sob and grasped D'Void's pants in her slimy jaws. She tore the seat of his pants wide open. This event added nothing else to the story and existed for no real reason, other than...to expose his underwear. For...reasons. Underwear fetish reasons. Hold me, I'm frightened.
"Oh my!" D'Void posed like the girl on the Coppertone lotion ads before hurrying to change his pants. He shook his finger at her. "Bad baby! How many times have I told you not to do that! You still don't listen to me. I doubt you ever will."
SSBB rushed over and grabbed a traditional looking chocolate cake under a stereotypical glass dome. It was sitting there on the counter. Because...uh...yeah. She knocked it down, then shoved it into the tote bag, where it squished nicely.
"This is so stupid and irrational," D'Void whined. Screamy bit him on the leg again. "Okay! It's not stupid and irrational! We're going! We're going!" He hurried from his fortress, out to the foyer and past the lines of slaves toiling endlessly away at his drill-furnace to keep it fueled. He turned to them and gave them a harsh look. "I'm going out for an unspecified amount of time to do something completely ridiculous. You guys better not start revolting while I'm gone, okay?"
They all nodded and promised not to. Except one guy who was crossing his fingers behind his back. Naughty. D'Void didn't see it, however, and left his fortress.
He traveled with his dear horrifyingly God-mode rotten little daughter-monster to a far away area of the Null Void to engage in their wacky picnic hijinks. That's not incomprehensibly stupid special snowflake Mary Sue territory at all. No way. Totally normal.
"This looks like an acceptable spot to set things down," D'Void said before throwing down the tote bag. He dumped the foodstuffs from it. They were quickly consumed by SSBB while she screamed and sobbed and vomited a little, but not as much. "I almost wish Tennyson and his friends would show up to battle me and thwart my current plans for RULING THE WORLD!" D'Void sighed heavily. He leaned his head in his hand. "What rotten luck to be stuck in such absurdity for this ongoing amount of time."
SSBB screamed and shot a stream of hot vomit into his face.
"Okay, I'm sorry! Please, don't hurt me," D'Void sobbed, cowering before the might of his horrific and powerful baby-creature. "You're a fantastic character! And I love you with every ounce of strength in my incredibly handsome body!"
Contented by the dishonest gushing praise, Screamy swallowed the remaining vomit and smiled widely at her helpless victim. Er, ah, I mean, father.
And then the rebels showed up to attack, causing D'Void to become happy for one of those extremely rare moments of his otherwise miserable life.
"Holy shit, rebels! I'm saved! Maybe they'll kill me!" he yelled. He waved his hands in the air. "Hey, over here! Come get me! Hit me with everything you've got!"
"We've come to arrest you and lock you up forever, D'Void," said a Plumbers' Helper, whom he always just referred to as Porcupine Face, or Not Spyke.
"That works, too," D'Void said while wearing a huge grin.
The Helpers and the other rebels piled on him, beating the shit of him. He happily submitted to the beating. Eventually he was in handcuffs.
"What about the Mary Sue?" asked one of the rebels.
"I don't know. We shouldn't mess around with those things. They can kill us or fuck up the story even more than it already was," said Porcupine Face. I mean, Pierce.
Just then, The Wrench came in. He produced a Mary Sue Containment Unit from beneath his robe.
"I've got it under control," he said, covering the hysterically sobbing-laughing baby thing with the containment unit as it devoured what was left of the mushed up chocolate cake. "I'm just that awesome."
"Oh my lord, I can't believe it! Yes, YES, THANK YOU!" D'Void sobbed with joy as he threw himself at Max. "I'm so grateful to you right now, Maxwell!" He hugged him tightly. "Ignore the massive boner I have. I swear, it means nothing. I'm just glad to be free of that evil thing's control."
Maxwell eyed D'Void with an air of suspicion, but allowed him to sob out his frustrations against his big warm belly for longer than anyone in the surrounding area was comfortable with. Then D'Void was arrested, his drill destroyed, the slaves all freed, and etcetera. Ben didn't even have to show up at all. He spent the entire time playing Sumo Slammers Revolution.
Maxwell took D'Void to his secret Wrench cave to lock him up, but instead tied him to a chair again and tried to feed him Wigsilian Org Beast breasts over a light cream sauce of Cassiopeian Dream Eater tentacles. D'Void resisted. Even when Max used the "Here comes the airplane" game on him. He shook his head and started sobbing.
"Oh, come on. Don't be such a baby. It's nutritious," Max said.
"I don't want it," D'Void pouted.
"Well what do you want?" Max asked.
D'Void stared longingly at Max's crotch. "How about some sausage?"
And then they had old man sex.
(The End)