I wrote this while listening to Uptown Girl.

Upon awakening from my slumber of exactly seven years, I realized that the only surprise that didn't surprise me was the fact that my clothes were entirely too small. After a hasty and frustrating half hour of trying to strip off the tight and clingy clothes, I stood victoriously in the nude- in the shining light of the sun that peeked through a bay window above me, showing off my radiance.

At first, it was hard to walk. I took one step and fell; glad I wasn't in my ancient tunic where I could have fell on unused Deku Nuts in my pockets. But I did fall on a rather painful and sharp stone step. I must have looked pathetic, holding unto the top stair as I slid down a few, turning over on my stomach and lifting myself up as thought I were doing a push-up. Eventually my legs began to quake and I had to turn over and sit back down. As I did, I was alarmed to find something when I rested my hands on my lap. Apparently, during my long sleep, my penis had become much longer. Not only that, I was a bit hairier down there.

I moved it around. Interestingly, it felt nice to touch. But then, I remembered an old conversation I had with one of the guys, I think his name was Fred, back in the forest. He told me about this kind of thing. When Hylians grew up, they went through something called puberty.

'Ooooh,' I had said, wanting him to go on with such a scandalous topic.

'Yeah so, Hylian males get this big ol'… well, stick right here,' Fred had told me, cupping his undeveloped boyhood, 'then, they get this like, sack thing behind it and it really hurts to get hit there.'

'Why is it there?' I had asked.

'Duh, Link, to pee. Hylian males pee in Hylian female's bellybuttons to make a Hylian baby,' he then went on, 'the girls don't get what the guys get though. See how the human guys get all hairy?'

I really didn't know what to say. I never saw a Hylian man. But I still said 'yes'.

'That's cause Hylian men are a step above animals, you know. So they get all hairy round here,' Fred touched his chin, 'and shave off the rest so they don't become animals and stuff. The hair gives them reason to smack around their females to keep them in check.'

I raised my eyebrows doubtfully.

He went on, 'But yeah, they like to beat it around a bit. If you do it too much, though, it'll fall off,' he smacked his lips, as though he was an all-knowing sage.

'Who did you hear this from?' I immediately asked.

'That weird kid who comes into the Lost Woods— he's really smart. He told me this between segments of 'how disgusting his family' is.'

From that moment on, I always knew to call Fred a Know-It-All.

My hands went to my face and around my chin. There was no beard, or any hair at all besides my own locks. Disappointed, I sat back and looked up at the ceiling of the Temple of Time. It was pointed at the top, ending in a turret. The thought reminded me of my penis.

I shook my head and turned to the side to stretch my legs. My eyes fell on the hilt of the Master Sword. Oh crap—I nearly forgot my important duty as the chosen one.

Carefully, I picked up the blade, pressing my legs together in case one false move would cause me to drop the sword, and slice off my manhood. I ruffled my brow in confusion. Why was I so obsessed about my penis?

I cast the thought aside and put the Master Sword back down. Carefully, I eased myself onto my feet and began to take a few steps. Oh shit, I thought, and collapsed in the pain of a charley horse.

I didn't move for a few minutes after the ordeal. I stretched my leg ever so slowly until I could fully extend it. Then, I tried standing back up and took a few steps. God, I must have looked like a baby. A retarded one.

Finally, I walked, after about an hour. I strutted righteously around the room, smiling to myself before noticing a shield and sheath behind the Pedestal of Time. I went to the two items and lifted them. My slingshot! My boomerang! The two were safely beneath my shield.

I took my slingshot and raised it above my head, pulling back the rubber extension. Lo and behold, it snapped. Right in my eye.

Cursing, I threw the piece of junk down on the ground and picked up the boomerang. I threw it. Needless to say, its cheap exterior snapped as it failed to wisp around and come to me and sailed into a stone wall.

Disappointed, I lifted my sheath to see it had somehow extended ( ;-) ). Magic! Oh, how clever that Rauru was. But my Kokiri Sword was nowhere in sight. I shook my sheath. Something clanged about inside.

It was my old dagger—and that was literally all it was. When I was kid, it would have been a sword, sure, but now… it was just a dagger. Oh well. My beautiful new Master Sword would benefit from my newly magicked sheath. ( ;-) )

But there was a problem. I was naked.

I needed some clothes, as disappointing as it was, to hide my beautiful chest and thighs… and penis.

After scavenging the entire premises of the Temple of Time, I returned to the Door of Time to see that some beautifully folded clothes lied before me. They certainly weren't there before. The Goddesses must have had enough of this stud walking around their holy ground. I couldn't blame them.

I put on the new tunic and leggings, and eventually my hat, because I had to stuff all my hair in it. When it didn't stay on, I drew out the Master Sword and cut it down to size. My hat then fit perfectly.

Now I was ready. All I needed was my new sword and shield I had left behind the Door of Time. I was alarmed to see someone was already there, holding them up. I didn't know who it was; only that he was pretty forward, wearing something that stuck to his skin. I mean… I could almost see his balls.

"Who are you?!" I barked, surprised by my deeper voice.

"Don't be alarmed," he said, "I am Sheik, of the Sheikah."

Not to be gay or anything, but Sheik was pretty. He was a pretty boy, I guess.

"A-are you here to kill me?" I stuttered, shaking the gay thought out of my head. Oh no! I sounded vulnerable. He was sure to have my ass now.

Sheik laughed, which made my hair rise on the back of my neck. "Of course not. I'm here to only help you, Link," he said, raising my sword and sheath to me.

Slowly, I walked to him. I stopped a few feet away and touched my sword. He didn't do anything. I touched my shield. Again, nothing, he just raised his eyebrows. If he was the ninja he was dressed up to be, he'd snapped my neck, have his way with me, and still have time to watch the blood fall from my lips—then maybe have his way with me again. Perhaps with my mouth.

"Just checking," I assured him as I finally took the weapons off his hands and put them securely on my back.

"Oh," Sheik said, "you okay now?"

I nodded. "Yeah," I said.

Sheik stared at me for a moment. His eyes scanned me up and down until they finally rested on my own eyes. "You okay?" I asked him when he wouldn't say anything.

He nodded. "Uh—yeah, wait… what?" he flushed furiously and had to turn around. He rubbed at his cheeks, groaning.

I looked around nervously. This was obviously an awkward moment. And what arose in my mind would only make it more awkward, but I had to say it.

"You're a girl, right?" I asked, leaning on one leg. Sheik whirled around and looked at me. I looked up at the ceiling to avoid his gaze.

"Of course not!" he cried as his voice cracked, "You insensitive piece of—…" he trailed off.

I grinned. "It's okay if you're attracted to me," I said, trying to sound somewhat suave.

Sheik stared at me, long and hard.

Needless to say, Fred was right about how much your balls ached after someone smashed them with their bare fists. Gawd, I think Sheik may have popped one.

-- I don't own Billy Joel's 'Uptown Girl' or Legend of Zelda.