Authors notes: Okay so I've had this story in my head for ages so I desided to put it up here and see what people think and well if you like it let me know and I type up the rest, it'll be probably about 8-10 chapters.

BASICLLY this story is about Eli Goldsworthy and is based off the song Knives & Pens by Black Veil Brides it's about the choice you have which will make much more sense once more chapters are up if you don't know the meaning behind the song. This all takes place after Julia's death and before he switches schools. So it's about his path to becoming more interested in writing - also will make more sense eventually. This is just how I imagined it all happening. The lyrics to the song will occasionaly come up because they fit with what's going on. (:

Enjoy! :P P.S. the next chapters will be longer this is just an introrudction to the story!

Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi/knives and pens/black veil brides in anyway just fans of both. Though this story idea is 100% mine.

~Knives & Pens~

{1}

'I can't go on without your love'

She's dead, Julia was dead, and she was never going to be coming back…ever. This truth, this fact, took me a while to realize as so, but when it did register, it hit hard. Not hard as in reference to an Algebra equation you just can't quite figure out, but hard as in quitting an overly addictive drug; cold-turkey. Not a particular form of emotion that I was accustomed to in my everyday life. One thing I was quickly learning though was how tiresome it could be.

Along with me now registering Julia's death in my conscious mind came another awful feeling; one that made it feel like I couldn't go on. Not without her, and especially not without her love. I never knew how much I cherished it - not until I lost it - or how ever-present it had been for me; I never craved it more, or anything in my life this much for that matter. And now I couldn't have it. All I wanted was to wrap my arms tightly around her and think that everything would be alright; and I couldn't. I, Elijah Goldsworthy, for once in my life was speechless. I didn't know what to do, or what direction I should be going in, and with that which would be the best path for me take. How I would make it through this, I did not know.

'Lay your heart down the ends in sight,

Conscience begs for you to do whats right.'

Life was like a mysterious, black bag that you had to reach your hand into and draw your fate. You could get something - decide something - you had pledged you would never, under any circumstances, do. Only to wind up finding yourself actually doing it. For me this was cutting, and cutting deep.

Maybe someone else was drawing your fate; reaching their own hand inside the bag; your bag.

Dropping flat on my stomach to the dusty floor that surrounded my bed, I lifted up the sheets to expose a cluttered mess of clothes, old school papers, and junk. Though none of that was what I was looking for…I definitely wasn't going to clean it either. Jutting my arm out into the darkness I felt around for a small box. Hitting the bone of my wrist on a sharp corner, I moved my hand on a hunch. A smile spread across my lips as I placed my hand on top of the item and slid it out into the light. My smile grew bigger; sitting on the floor in front of me was a small shoebox full to the brim with old things - family mementos, photos, letters, souvenirs and such - my grandmother had given me, "Vintage" according to Julia. I was looking for a small heart-shaped silver locket with the initials M.G. engraved into the back - that belonged to my great-grandmother. Under that was "Forever you have my heart and my love. -Bo" in a twisting kind of cursive. According to her it was a nickname and nothing more. That was all I was ever able to get out of my great-grandmother on the subject.

Finding it on top I sat it aside on the floor next to the box. I continued my hunt through the shoebox for more family relics for my assignment at school. That's when I found it. Under a broken picture frame and a few old scraps of paper was a 1950's style army switch blade. It had been my grandfathers when he was in the war. Just something grandma had thrown into the box at the time, to me just a family item and nothing more. Until now.

Pulling it out of the box, and gripping it tightly between the palms of my hands I stared at it. At this point I wasn't quite sure what I wanted to do with it now that I had it. Slipping the knife into my pocket I decided to keep it until I was sure of what I wanted out of it.

{Later that day}

I finally knew what I wanted to use the knife for, what I wanted from it, and I wasn't proud of it. This…idea, of mine was just for the pain; not to kill. I had decided to cut. All I wanted was for this pain to go away, my pain over Julia. I just wanted this to work for me, because nothing else had for me so far. Hesitantly, I walked through the archway into my bathroom shutting the door behind me; I locked it.

I wasn't quite sure what I was doing; I swore I'd never do this. I promised Jules that I wouldn't…that I wouldn't ever do this; but she was dead now and she was the reason I was doing this. Well sort of, the pain her death had caused me was the main reason. All I really wanted - short of getting Julia back - was to get rid of the agonizing pain that felt like it was crippling me. If that meant substituting it with another form of pain, then so be it. Right now I would do anything to make it just go away.

Pulling the knife from my pocket I flipped it open; looking at the blade. Turning it over in my right hand back and forth as I watched the light bounce off of it. I was slightly entertained just by this in itself; breathing in deep I held the air in my lungs, while lifting the blade to my arm about three inches below my wrist. Touching it down on my skin a small chill ran down my spine - part from the ice cold temperature of the metal and part from the fact that I was actually doing this. Slowly I put pressure on the blade feeling the slightest of ripping in my skin. Then an oozing sensation as a deep red line of blood, my blood quickly appeared where the knife had just been.

I watched as the amount of blood multiplied and eventually slid off my arm pooling on the slick white counter top. I smiled; satisfied it was exactly what I need to get me through. I didn't know if I would do it again though I was betting my money on a yes. Not for a while though at least, I hoped this would hold me over for a bit.

Opening the cabinet under the sink I grabbed a black hand towel. Getting it wet, I began to wipe up the blood around the sink before it could start to dry. Then I moved the cloth to my wrist and gently rubbed the dried blood away; erasing the evidence. Retreating back under the sink I grabbed the bottle of peroxide, gauze, and the roll of medical tape. It seemed silly to me when I stopped and thought about what I was doing. Here I was, someone who just inflicted self harm on themselves by cutting and I was taking care of it and bandaging it up like it was only an accident. It wasn't though, and this picture in my head was almost laughable but I kept quiet. I lifted my arm up over the white sink as I started to pour the disinfectant directly into the cut. I almost dropped the bottle; I bite my tongue to hold in the shout that wanted to escape my throat at the sudden intensity of pain that the chemical peroxide had caused under my skin and in my veins. It was even worse then the cut itself, that only made me suck in a deep gulp or air and then it was mostly over. The only remains were feelings of a natural high, but this stinging pain from the peroxide lingered much longer then expected. I gripped onto the counter as the pain slowly subsided.

Bandaging the self-inflicted wound I put on a Dead Hand wrist band which covered the bandages perfectly bringing a small smile to my face. I picked up a plain long-sleeve black shirt for good measure. There was no chance in hell I wanted CeCe or Bullfrog catching anything. That wasn't a risk I would ever be willing to take. Pulling it over my head I nearly screamed in shock at the site that had formed in front of me.

"Julia?" I questioned, taking a step towards my dead lover who was now standing in my bathroom looking extremely pissed off at me. "But your dead?"

'Alone at last, we can sit and fight.'

She backed away from me, her back now pressed against the wall. "Eli! Dammit you promised me you wouldn't!" She screamed at the top of lungs making me grab my ears. Julia stepped towards me but then shook her head moving back to her spot against the wall with a sigh.

"What else am I supposed to do Julia? Huh Julia got any smart remarks for that? No, you don't? I didn't think so. I did this, because you're dead Julia!" I held up my arm in a display of emotion. "What do you expect? What else am I supposed to do?" I whispered; tears springing from my eyes.

'One final fight for this tonight.'

My Julia, my sweet, sweet loving Julia didn't hesitate coming towards me this time and pulled me to her in a tight embrace. She held me tight to her as we both collapsed to the floor together in a heap of emotions. I was embarrassed; I always was embarrassed if she caught me upset. I was ashamed and embarrassed, whether she was really here of not, that I was such a mess. (It was difficult to tell because I was felling extremely light headed right now. All the blood loss and crying was starting to get to me; and definitely not in my favor or helping me in anyway.) I never in my life wanted Julia to see me at such a low…but here we were.

"Eli…I'm sorry I got so mad at you it was silly and over nothing. I think I was just so used to people abandoning me when things turned icy that I tried pushing you away from me before you had the chance to yourself." she whispered softly in my ear as she stroked my black hair absentmindedly. "And look where that got me, eh lover?" Julia joked trying to lighten the mood.

'We tried our best,'

"I love you Julia…and…I miss you so much." my voice cracked near the end, I leaned my head against her chest with a long sigh.

"I love you too Eli. Look at me babe," she turned her body so she was facing me and tipped my face up so we looking at each other. "I don't enjoy seeing you like this - never have and never will - I'm sorry life is turning out to be so shitty but I'm begging you to stop now while your ahead. I don't want to greet you up there," - she lifted her eyebrows - "until you're as old as dust."

I wasn't crying anymore but the tears were just below the surface waiting to be triggered. "So it is real then?" added as an after thought to be clearer I said, "Heaven, that is?"

She almost laughed until the situation at hand was reminded to her when she looked at me, "Yes, of course it is." Jules stated simply.

"How am I supposed to cope?" I asked her my voice shaky. I collapsed against her suddenly exhausted. How long would she be here with me if this was all real? I thought to myself while shutting my eyes. I was so tired…

My question was answered immediately, while Jules avoided my question she leaned in holding my face between her warm hands. "Just remember Eli, I love you. Always have, always will." Julia pulled my face towards hers, her soft lips melting into mine. Even with my eyes shut everything felt like a lovesick blur. Slowly she pulled away both of us breathing heavy. She kissed me softly on the lips one last time before whispering another "I love you" in my ear.

'But stay right here,'

I closed my eyes once again holding the image of her beauty in my minds eye for as long as I could; before it slowly faded away just like she had. Slowly I moved my lips, whispering to no one now, "I love you too."

Just as quickly as she appeared, she was gone.