First, a little background. This story is set in an alternate Season Seven. Spike is human. After painstakingly earning Buffy's trust, he broke up with her for reasons neither of them fully understood at the time (see "Estranged"). Spike then proceeded to leave town and try to escape his problems. He concluded that having a soul did not automatically make him a good man. Now Spike's back in town, and worrying about what he's becoming. He both wants to embrace the bad boy image and fears where that will lead him. While trapped in this crisis of confidence, Spike gets sent to an alternate reality where Angel is evil, Cordelia and Dawn are vampires, and Buffy's sleeping with Xander. That last part makes Spike think that he's been sent to Hell. The alternate reality part begins in Chapter Two. Newcomers to this series of stories can skip straight to Chapter Two and get to the juicy parts. Then, if you like what you see, you can check out the first chapter before reading the last, which chronicles what happens after Spike returns.
Two weeks. Twelve shows up and down the west coast. It had been a good fortnight for Spike. The van stop, and Spike stepped out on the sidewalk and said goodbye to his bandmates.
"Hey Spike, take it easy," Aiden said to him. "I mean it."
Sterling agreed. "Last thing we want is our resident genius to burn himself out."
Spike walked upstairs and entered his apartment. For the first time in many years, he felt successful. After shaking off Buffy, his abilities hadn't merely returned. They'd multiplied exponentially. He was his own man, and in his mind he was brilliant. Going back to being bad was paying off big time. He uncorked a bottle of red wine and poured himself a glass. Before he could take a sip, he realized how exhausted he was. The tour had been glorious but grueling. It was 5:30 in the morning. He put the glass down on the kitchen table and collapsed into bed.
Someone was knocking on Anya's door at an obscenely early hour. And they weren't going away. She struggled out of bed and opened the door. Anya was mighty grumpy. Until she saw who it was. "Sterling!"
"I missed you," he told her as she opened the door.
"Missed you too," Anya replied. "This is just so, sudden. I'm a complete mess."
"Then you're a completely stunning mess," Sterling said as he entered and grabbed Anya by the waist.
Anya wasn't so sure about this. "Sterl, baby, it's not that I don't, I do – almost constantly, when you're around. But I'm all icky. And you smell all musky. Like some seedy road-house bar."
"We did come straight back after the last show. Suppose I need a shower."
Anya's face brightened up. "Yes! We both need a shower! Right now. And you definitely need to get out of those foul-smelling clothes." Anya started ripping them off his body.
"It's so great to be back," Sterling said with a smile.
At 8 am, Xander was showered and dressed and making breakfast. There was a polite knock at the door. He looked through the peephole. Elise! He opened the door. She was in a black blazer and skirt, looking more ready for work than he did.
"You're back! That's great. You look great. Very professional. I take it that's not what you wear on stage."
"Going back to my real job. I have a story due at 5 today."
"Oh right. The newspaper. Forgot about your double life. Intrepid girl reporter by day, glamorous rock chick by night. Have I mentioned how cool it is that you're my girlfriend?"
"You just did. Do I smell bacon?"
"I was, uh, making breakfast."
"I knew I skipped something. Do you mind?"
"Not at. I can scramble some more eggs."
"Okay. Toast would also be great."
"Sure. Coming right up."
Elise sat down at the kitchen table and opened up the morning paper. "Xander, have I mentioned how awesome a boyfriend you are?" He was so charmingly domesticated. "Now that I'm back, I was hoping we could pick up where we left off. Say tonight, 8 o'clock, the Bronze?"
"It's a date. Looking forward to it."
"Cool. Is it okay if Anya and Willow come along?"
"Sure. But I have to say I'm surprised you're so willing to share me," Xander joked. Part of him worried there was more to this double life thing than he realized. And part of him also found the idea perversely alluring.
Elise laughed. "I meant with Sterl and Zo. We were discussing it on the way back. Since the three of us are good friends and the three of you are good friends it just seemed natural."
"Of course. How odd we didn't think of that ourselves," he replied sarcastically. Nothing more natural than a triple-date with his ex-fiance and his lesbian best friend who tended to take a critical view of Xander's girlfriends. But on the plus side, he'd be with Elise. "Sounds like fun. All of us together. Real big fun," he adds with less-than-convincing enthusiasm. But as he stared at her very long legs, Xander found it almost impossible to say no to anything Elise proposed.
It was 9:30. Anya stepped out of bed and began to get dressed. "I'm sorry darling, but I have to open the shop at ten. Actually, I don't. It's my store. I can open and close it whenever I want to. And right now - "
"No, go to work," Sterling told her. "One of us has to. Besides, I could use some rest."
"You do have a point," Anya responded. "Great sex can't pay the bills. Maybe in a perfect world, it could. (Anya thought for a moment about selfishly abusing her powers to create such a world.) But in this world, I have to leave you to go make money. Rest up, loverboy." Anya was very happy with Sterling. But she wondered how long she could continue hiding her past from him, and how he would react if and when he found out.
Spike was up and on his feet. He felt very well-rested. He heard his door opened. Dawn entered. "Now I know why you worked so hard to send Connor back to Angel. You wanted him out of the way so you could have me all to yourself."
Spike gasped. "Pardon? Didn't quite catch that."
Dawn walked up to Spike. "Oh come on, Spike. Don't pretend you haven't noticed that I'm not a little girl anymore."
Spike was getting mighty nervous. "I'm not sure just what you're getting at here." He started backing away. She kept walking towards him.
"You're too smart to be any good at playing dumb," she told him. "You know I've always wanted you."
"That's not true. You want Connor. Remember him?"
"Connor's just a boy."
Spike realized Dawn had backed him into the end of his bed. Nowhere to run. This was getting really frightening. "Yes. And you're a girl. Boy and girl, adorable. Girl and man, that's just bloody disgusting."
"Buffy was with Angel when she was my age. And Angel's a whole lot older than you." She kept moving towards him, forcing him up onto the bed.
"Well that just proves my point that it's wrong."
Dawn climbed onto the bed and began unbuttoning Spike's shirt. "Lucky for me, you're not cursed. But let's forget about Angel. That's want you want to do, right? Be your own man. Find a woman who loves only you. Someone you've never had to prove anything to. Someone who'll love you no matter what you are."
"Dawn, this is wrong."
"Since when did that ever stop you?" Dawn was on top of Spike, and moved in to kiss him. He flinched. "Don't worry. I won't bite," she told him with a sly smile. Spike grabbed her waist, intending to push her off of him. But he couldn't. His powers of resistance were failing him. Instead of pushing her away, he was holding her. His failure of will was absolutely horrifying. "I knew you'd come around," Dawn told him as she leaned in. Their lips touched.
Spike woke up. It was a dream. Just a dream, thank God. It was all in his head. But this wasn't entirely a good thing. It meant part of him wanted that. Spike's feelings for Buffy first manifested themselves in his dreams. This was a very, very bad omen.
Spike knew he was bad. He knew he was rotten. But not this bad. Not this rotten. Spike was more twisted than he knew. He truly was a monster. Getting a soul hadn't made Spike good. It just made him guilty. But the guilt didn't stop him from doing more bad things.
Spike checked the clock. 12:30. He had been asleep seven hours. He didn't know when he'd be able to sleep again. He took a long, cold shower. Spike stepped out, shivering, dried himself off and got dressed. He put on a new shirt. As he began buttoning it, Dawn entered. In was 1:30. This most surely was not a dream.
"Shouldn't you be at school?"
"Since when did you start keeping tabs on me?" She looked at him. "Spike, your lips are blue." Dawn walked up to him and put her hand on his cheek. "You're like an icicle. What's wrong?"
"Oh, n-n-nothing. I had the air conditioner on too high last night." He tried to finish buttoning his shirt, but his hands were trembling because of a combination of cold and nerves.
"You're shivering. Here, let me help you with that." She put her hands on Spike's shirt. He jumped backwards.
"That's okay," he quickly told her.
"Fine. You wanna show some skin, I won't put up a fuss."
Dawn walked over to Spike's kitchen table, where the wine glass was still full. Dawn sniffed it. "Just making sure it's not blood," she joked. Then she downed it. "Not bad. I've had better," she told Spike with mock sophistication. Dawn took a look at Spike's face, and said "For a guy with your track record, you're way too easy to shock."
Spike was desperate to change the subject. "So, uh, Dawn, well, er, how have you been? What's Buffy been up to? You guys fight anything interesting lately?"
"Nothing special. Just a few daytime vampires. You know, vampires with souls who aren't killed by the sunlight. You really do see it all in this town."
"Cute joke. No, seriously."
"I was serious. At first Buffy didn't know they were good, so she killed a few. They were vampires, after all. But then Patrick Gugan explained everything, although that just made it even more confusing."
"Patrick? You mean Willow's professor?"
"I think he's just a TA. Like Riley, except he's a geek and his secret life is do-it-yourself. So you've heard of Patrick?"
"Heard that he was up to no good."
"That's the old line. The new line is he appears he's up to quite a bit of good. Though it's a very creepy kind of good."
Spike tried to put it all together. "Let me get this straight. This mad scientist is building vampires with souls that can walk in the light of day? Bloody hell. Just when I thought Sunnydale couldn't get any stranger. Hold on. How does he give them souls?"
"That's what surprises you? The daytime thing's way more rare. Patrick claims they already have souls. It's like he thinks he knows vampires better than they know themselves. Which makes me wonder why. I'm going back to school for tenth period. See ya."
Dawn left. Spike put on a sweater to warm himself up. The silence was killing him. He needed to listen to something else besides the thoughts in his head. He put on an old Ike and Tina Turner record that he used to like for all the wrong reasons:
"You just a fool, you know you're in love.
You got to face it to live in this world.
You take the good along with the bad.
Sometimes you're happy, and sometimes you're sad.
You know you love him but you can't understand
why he treats you like he do when he's such a good man."
There was a knock at the door. He turned off the music and opened the door. It was Buffy. "Have you seen Dawn?," she asked him. Spike's guilty conscience was working overtime. He was absolutely petrified.
"Haven't seen her. Why would you think I'd know where she was? Is she in some sort of trouble?"
"No. She just didn't come home right after school. It's probably nothing. Look, I'm not here to talk about Dawn. I'm here to talk about us."
"Go ahead. I bloody well deserve anything you throw at me."
"We need to give this another chance."
"Now that I don't deserve."
"Spike, if this is about Angel -"
"It's not. It never was. He was just a pretext. He's not the problem. I am. I thought I'd changed, but I haven't. At least not enough."
"I don't believe that."
"Then take a look at my track record. Come on! Why are you being so bleeding nice to me? Can't you just pummel me like you always do and get this over with? That's what I deserve."
"It's not that easy this time, Spike."
"Well it bloody well should be."
"Do you love me?," Buffy asked Spike.
"Of course," he answered. "I always will."
"Then why are you pushing me away?"
"Because I can't trust myself when I'm around you. Because I know that I'll hurt you again. And when that happens, I won't be able to live with myself."
"Then don't let it happen. You have a choice."
"Not around you I don't. What we have – it's violent and animal and destructive – to both of us. We're toxic together. You know that. At least you used to. Why are you playing these mind games? This would all be so much easier if you hated me."
"I never said I didn't hate you. But you're wrong, Spike. You have changed. You didn't used to be a coward." Then Buffy left. Spike was furious because Buffy had not been furious. Why was she being so nice to him? It was torture, listening to Buffy talk like she still loved him, like she had forgiven him. Used to be she was mad at him no matter what he did. Now she couldn't get mad at him no matter what he did. It was maddening.
Around 5 pm Spike's phone rang. "Hello, is that you Spike?"
"Yeah. Who wants to know?"
"Spike, it's me, Army!"
"I'm sorry but you have the wrong - "
"Armand Bogosian. Garden Grove Records. You made that demo tape at my studio last week, remember? After I saw you play at the Roxy."
"I'm not in the mood for practical jokes. Did Aiden put you up to this?"
"You really don't remember? Can't say you're the first musician I've worked with who's prone to blackouts. You recorded a four-song demo. I gave you my business card."
Spike checked his wallet. He did have this guy's card. Maybe he was telling the truth. "So what do you want from me?"
"I liked the demo and I'd like to meet with you to discuss your future. You don't have to sign anything. No pressure. Could you come up to LA today?"
Spike was desperate to leave Sunnydale. The place felt haunted to him. This was perfect. "I can be there in ninety minutes. It's the address on the card, right?" Spike hung up the phone, ran to his car, and drove north.
The meeting went well. Spike was wary of record executives. Thought they were parasites. But he thought that of most people. And it was nice to be praised. It seemed to prove that Spike had a life outside Buffy's world. Before leaving town, he drove over to the Hyperion. He didn't go in. He loitered across the street for a few minutes thinking about his future. He saw Angel from about a block away. Angel was heading off somewhere Cordy and Connor and Fred and Gunn. One big happy demon-killing family. Or so it appeared. Such a contrast to his chaotic life.
"I didn't think you'd be back so soon, Spike," a woman whispered from behind. He turned to face her. It was Lilah. Spike had never met her, and thus didn't know who she was. But he had an idea.
"Look pet, I'm sorry, but I'm not in the mood for groupies right now."
"Is that what you think I am?"
"How else could you know me? You saw me at the Roxy last week, right pet?"
"I think I caught a few minutes of one of the shows. Not bad. But the whole world-weary, Tom Waits thing doesn't work for you. To pull that off, you have to look older than your years. That's hardly the case with you, William. Decades go by, and your face never changes. You're a regular Dorian Gray. By the way, did you know Oscar Wilde? I know you two were at Oxford together."
"Bloody hell, it's worse than I thought. You're a vampire groupie."
"You probably don't remember Oscar. After all, you had a more important big, burly Irishman in your life. So was that the way it worked the old days? You were Angel's Bose Douglas?" Bose Douglas was Oscar Wilde's pretty blonde English boy toy. Lilah was clearly trying to antagonize Spike. He tried his best not to take the bait.
"You know what Angel did to girls like you in the old days? Trust me, you don't want to. I was always amazed at how badly he could mutilate them while still keeping them alive and conscious."
"It must be tough living in Angel's shadow. Always following in his footsteps. Doing the things he's done. Doing the people he's done."
"Look dollface, the way it works is I do everything Angel's done, except I always do it a whole lot better." Spike answered provocatively. "Plus, more than a few choice things that never even crossed his mind."
"Then why are you here?"
"What am I doing here? You're the bloody stalker. And for your information I was in town on business."
"That makes two of us," Lilah told Spike.
"You call what you do business? You're more pathetic than I thought. It's sad, watching a stunning bird like yourself waste her time on a room temperature eunuch."
"You know all about impotence, don't you Spike? Isn't that how Angel makes you feel? Isn't that why you hate him?"
"Is Angel all you ever talk about? Now I see it clear as day. You're a nasty, naughty girl. A bad little Betty. You're not obsessed with Angel. You're obsessed with what he was, what he could become. I bet you dream about it. Angel sans soul. What Angelus would do to you. Trust me, he wouldn't. He'd just rip your bloody head off."
"So how's it working out for you, being the good guy, playing the boy scout?," Lilah asked.
"Look love, I'm flattered by the attention. Obsession smells real nice when it's coming off of you. But you can't possibly know the first thing about me."
"I know that you're bad. I know that you know that you're bad. Why fight it, Spike? Why try to be Angel? Stop trying to be what you're not. Maybe then your tortured mind will finally know some peace."
"Well, well, well. If it isn't Lola. You ever see that show? The one where the devil's temptress tries to seduce some poor sap out of his soul? You're not bad, Lola. But I've heard that tune whistled by better birds than you." Spike started to walk back to his car, then turned around. "And by the way, it won't work on Angel, either. Good or bad, soul or no soul, you're just not his type."
Lilah wasn't going to let Spike get the last word. She walks after him. "Actually Spike, I wanted to kill Angel. I tried and tried but could never quite pull it off. So I've fallen in love with him and I'm going to beg him to sleep with me until he finally feels sorry for me and gives in. No. Wait. That's your story." Touche. Lilah smirked as Spike slinked away. She knew she had made her point. Spike thought that this strange, glib, sultry woman knew way too much. And he didn't want to stick around to find out why.
Anya and Sterling, Xander and Elise, Willow and Zooey were talking away. The two couples were getting a little touchy-feely. Willow felt left out. She put her right hand on Zooey's left leg. Zooey didn't know what to make of this. She looked nervous. "Is there a problem?," Willow asked sheepishly.
"You hear me complaining?," Zooey asked back. She put her left hand to Willow's right and their fingers interlocked. Willow smiled. Zooey knew now wasn't the right time to discuss this matter. Besides, she was very attracted to WIllow. So why would she put up a fuss?
Willow had a question for Zooey, Sterling and Elise. "I get the sense you guys were buds before you were in this band together. How did you all meet?"
Zooey began. "I few years ago I was in a band Elise was profiling for some local weekly. We discovered we had a lot in common and started hanging out."
Elise continued. "And I had known Aiden because I hung around in his record store a lot."
Sterling joined in. "Me and Aiden had been best friends since high school. The two of us hooked up with the two of them. We all played in bands at one time or another, but never together.
"Even though that would have made perfect sense," Zooey added. "I play guitar, Zooey plays piano, Sterling drums, Aiden bass. I mean, that is a band. Problem was, none of us wanted to be the leader."
"Then along comes Spike," Elise concluded.
"Spike bringing people together. Guess there's a first time for everything," Xander joked. A slow song started playing. Xander didn't enjoy all this talk about Spike. He stood up. "I think I'm going to stretch my legs and dance. Anyone care to join me?"
"Just anyone?," Elise asked playfully.
"Anyone meaning you in particular," he responded. She got up and they went out to the dance floor. Elise was fully as tall as Xander, maybe a little taller in high heels. Xander was beginning to get used to gazing up into a girl's eyes. It was a novelty for him, and he liked it.
"Gotta say, I'm glad we finally have a chance to be alone," Elise told Xander.
"I think we're of one mind on that one," Xander responded. "Definitely a fan of the alone time with you."
"Xander, I didn't get any sleep last night. So I think I'm going to head home soon."
"Okay."
"I just want you to know that this isn't some excuse for not spending the night with you."
Xander was a tad befuddled. "Why would you need . . . ? Ohhh. Wait. You thought that I thought? No. Definitely not. I wasn't thinking that at all."
"Ouch. Have to say I feel a little disappointed. I mean, it's our third date. If it hasn't crossed your mind, then I guess I've lost it."
Xander felt trapped. If he came on too strong he'd sound like a lecher. If he came on too weak he'd sound like he wasn't interested. Elise was a tricky girl to deal with. But tricky in a very, very refreshing way. "It's not that I haven't, or that I don't. You're incredibly sexy and wonderful to be around, and, as I'm learning right now, astoundingly clever when it comes to coaxing compliments." Elise smiled. "I just wasn't assuming anything. I'm not the type of guy who does that."
"I forgot how much of a gentleman you were, Xander Harris."
"Never been called that before. But you are quite the lady, Elise Campbell. Guess you bring out the gentleman in me." When the song finished Elise told the rest of the gang she and Xander were leaving. Anya and Sterling headed back to her place. So the triple date was over.
Willow and Zooey walked outside. They were alone. "Willow, you've been acting kind of different tonight. Is there something you want to tell me?," Zooey inquired.
Willow turned to face Zooey. "Remember when we met and I told you I wasn't ready for a relationship. You've been very patient, and I think I'm finally ready." She playfully ran her left hand down Zooey's right arm and held Zooey's right hand with her left.
"This is all so sudden. Straight out of the blue. Something happen to change your mind?" Zooey was still puzzled and skeptical.
"Zooey, I thought you'd be happy. Isn't this what you want?"
"Yes, but I want more than that. Willow, I love you. That's the problem."
Willow let go of Zooey's hand and took a step back. "I don't get it. I don't get you. Why are you resisting me?"
Zooey stepped forward and took Willow's left hand in her right hand to try to comfort her. "Because I love you, it has to be perfect. I don't want us to do anything you might regret later. Tonight, you saw your two best friends with their honeys, and it's natural that you'd want what they have. But that's not a good reason to start a relationship."
"Zooey, that's not why. I want you. You want me, don't you?" She ran her right hand through Zooey's hair.
Zooey put her left hand on Willow's face. Zooey trembled ever so slightly. "Of course I do. But it has to be more than want, or desire, or attraction. It has to be complete, body and soul. It has to be magical. Because you're magical." She kissed Willow on the lips. "I'm so happy you want to take this step. But we need to take things slow." Zooey slowly walked away. She added a final thought.
"Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go home and regret not letting you have your way with me. Oh, wait. It's already starting. Wow, that's painful." She grimaced. "Never knew longing could hurt so much. Okay, well, going now."
Tuesday afternoon, Clarke approached Dawn after Chemistry class. "Dawn, I, uh, was, well, wondering if you had heard about Randy Stoler's party tonight."
"What party? Clarke, it's Tuesday."
"It's also the night both his parents are out of town. I'm probably going. And I thought, maybe you'd be going. Possibly, perhaps, with me? If you have work or other plans, I'll understand."
Dawn thought about her plans. More specifically, she thought about her utter lack of plans. And she had been striving for some sort of social life. "What time does it start?"
Around the same time, Spike went over to Clem's. Maybe he could help. "Howdy Spike. It's been a while."
"Well, I was on the road."
"Oh right. Your tour. How'd that go."
"Even better than I thought. Some schmuck wants to give me a record deal."
"That's great!"
"Perhaps. I don't know yet. But it got me thinking that I might not belong here anymore."
"Why would you think that?"
"I just don't feel right in this place anymore. When I was away, I could be myself, and it was great. Here, I try to be myself, and it's a bloody disaster – literally. I'm not a good person, and being in Sunnydale only makes me worse. I'm scared of what I'm becoming."
"Spike, you're not bad. What on earth makes you think that you are?"
"I've hurt people I care about. I hurt Buffy. I don't even know why. I just couldn't stop myself. I have all these impulses. These sick, vile urges. And I can't keep them bottled-up inside anymore. I'm not good, Clem. I've never been good. All I've ever been good at is hurting people."
"You know that's not true, Spike. You've helped a lot of people."
"Well then, go ask Buffy and Willow and Xander and Dawn how much I've helped them. They'll tell you how bloody rotten I am."
"Spike, have you ever imagined what Sunnydale would be like if you had never come to town?"
"Please Clem. I don't go for that Frank Capra crap."
"I'm really sorry buddy, but I have to do this."
Spike found himself standing in the Bronze. It was crowded. A dj was spinning. Lots of people were dancing. He spotted Angel and Cordelia. Her hair was longer and darker than it was when Spike last saw her. They were dancing. Well, grinding would be a better word for it. What were they doing in Sunnydale? And how did Spike get to the Bronze? He figured this must be some sort of dream.
Angel and Cordy walked out arm-in-arm. Spike followed, curious where this dream was going. Angel and Cordy spotted a couple on the side of the street, necking. They whispered something to each other and laughed. They approached the two people. Cordy grabbed the man and Angel grabbed the woman. "You're doing it all wrong," Cordelia joked.
"Here, let me show you how it's done," Angel added. They bit into their victims and drank. So Angel was Angelus and Cordelia was a vampire. Interesting dream, Spike thought to himself.
When they were finished feeding, they dropped the corpses to the ground. Cordelia looked at Angelus. "You're dribbling," she told him. Blood was trickling from his lip down to his chin. She stuck out her tongue and licked it up. They kissed. "Sloppy boy. You'd be a mess without me," Cordelia told Angelus. They kissed again. Then they resumed walking down the street.
Angelus wore black leather pants, a black silk shirt and his perpetual bad guy smirk. Cordelia wore tight black Prada pants with red Gucci boots, a midriff-bearing black bikini top, a white Armani shirt with the shirt tails tied just above the waist, and a short red leather jacket that matched her boots.
When Angelus and Cordy got to the end of the street, they were approached by Dawn. She was dragging a cute blonde teenage boy by the neck. Dawn wore white leather pants, a blue t-shirt with a red star in the middle, and the thin black leather jacket Spike remembered she had shoplifted for Buffy's last birthday. She looked up at Angelus. "Daddy, can I keep him?"
"Sorry baby. Too puny. He'd never amount to anything."
"Fine with me," Dawn told him with a smile. She got all bumpy and fangy and bit into the poor boy's neck. Now this was a most disturbing development. Spike's dream had become a nightmare. And things were about to get even more disturbing..