Three Phantoms

A/N: OK, I'm not really sure where this came from… I've read a lot of parodies in the past that incorporate several different Phantoms meeting. Obviously, madness is bound to ensue. I know the concept of this story isn't entirely unique, but I wanted to branch off and do something different. I've never written a parody before and the last time I wrote fan fiction for the Phantom of the Opera was when I was, like, thirteen. Basically, the three Phantoms I chose to include in this chapter are Susan Kay's, Gaston Leroux's, and the one from the 1991 mini-series starring Charles Dance. I plan to have these be the main three because I'm the most familiar with them, aside from the ALW musical. If I get positive feedback on this chapter, I plan to continue it and incorporate different Phantoms, such as Lon Chaney, ALW stage musical, Gerik, Winslow, Dario Argento's, etc. I hope you enjoy and please let me know what you think!

Intro organ music ensues. It promotes an overall feeling of death and depression. The camera focuses on two finely dressed masked men seated on overstuffed armchairs. One dressed in a black silk kimono sips tea with his legs propped up on an elaborately designed Ottoman. The other's hands are folded in a gentlemanly manner on his lap, sitting proud and erect. He wears a beige mask that matches his skin tone.

"Nadir, are we on?" the one clad in black silk inquires.

"Yes, we're live," a thickly-accented voice replies off-screen.

"Oh!" the masked man exclaims, clearing his throat.

When he speaks again, his voice is smooth, deep, and gracious.

"Hello, you're now tuning into the Three Phantoms, hosted by myself and the 1991 Charles Dance Phantom,in which we answer any questions you may have about us. And when I say any, I mean anything. We consider ourselves to be the humblest of servants to our fans. Unfortunately, Leroux-Erik, or more commonly known as Lerik, wasn't able to make it to today's show as he was – er – unavoidably detained. Anyhow, let's move forward and start out with a question from twenty-three-year-old Kristine Day."

Dear Erik(s),

First of all, I'm a HUGE phan of the show!. I haven't missed a single episode yet. My favorite Phantom is, of course, Kerik who is always so sarcastic and sexy. Rawr. Kerik for president! Tell me, who do you believe is the most dangerous, sinister Phantom?

P.S. I have dark brown hair, doe eyes, and am looking for a voice tutor. Can any of you guide me in the right direction?

"First of all," Kay-Erik, or Kerik, begins, "I highly doubt your real name is Kristine Day. I suspect you're just another fan girl attempting to emulate my love interest. I also might add that labeling me as 'sexy' makes you seem significantly more drugged-up than me, at the moment. I advise you to save your pretty little breath. Otherwise," he says in a more chipper tone, "we appreciate your support. Now, on to the question. Who is the more sinister Phantom, you ask? I'd say we're all a bit topsy-turvy, don't you agree, Derik?"

"More or less," he replies in a calm, pleasant voice. "I would say I'm the gentlest, kindest Phantom by far. Not to say that I don't have my moments –."

"Indeed," Kerik interrupts, "the worst thing you've done is dump a suitcase full of rats on Carlotta for ruining Christine's debut performance. You certainly live on the edge; although, I must add you received a standing ovation from Phantoms all across the Alternate Dimension for such a daring act. You deserve a gold star, my friend."

"Aside from Kerik and I," Derik begins, "I would say the Phantom most off his rocker is –."

Suddenly, a door swings open and clangs heavily against the stone wall. A dark, masked figure stands ominously in the doorway, soaked from head-to-toe. He walks stiffly to stand beside Kerik and Derik, dripping water all over the Persian rug.

"Lerik!" Kerik and Derik chime simultaneously. "Where have you been off to? Would you care to join us for the show?"

Lerik's abnormal amber eyes eerily glow from behind a full-faced black mask, staring unblinkingly into the camera. Long locks of wet black hair hang limply about his face. He promptly turns and walks to the Louis-Philippe room, closing the door behind him. As soon as they are sure Lerik is out of earshot, they both sigh.
"He's been swimming in the lake again," Kerik mutters irritably. "We all know what that means. I knew we should've put him in the strait jacket this morning."

"Wasn't the Love Never Dies Phantom guest starring today?" Derik whispers. "He should've arrived by now."

Kerik visibly relaxes. "Oh," he says, straightening in his chair. "Now I don't feel as bad."

Derik pinches the bridge of his masked nose. He stands and walks away. Kerik regards the camera seriously.

"Lerik is what you would refer to as our 'troubled' child," he explains. "Derik and I have tried our best to monitor him because there is no way of predicting what he'll do next. We try to distract him with silly things and introduce him to new hobbies, such as the kazoo and the baton instead of a noose. Unfortunately, the kazoo didn't work out as well as we'd hoped…. And of course, I always end up being seen as the bad cop."

Derik returns wearing a Batman mask, which he wears when feeling overly-emotional.

"Lerik created quite a name for himself during his time in Persia," Kerik continues. "I know a great deal about that time because I experienced much of the same thing, except I carried myself with a shred of more dignity. You see, Lerik enjoyed facing his opponents in time to a little music. Everyone knew that if you went up against him in time to MC Hammer's 'Can't Touch This', you were sure to be dead within seconds."

"Wasn't it also to that one song about big butts?" Derik interrupts.

Kerik nods. "Yes, and he also likes 'She's a Maniac' from Flashdance. He used to play it all the time on that infernal Just Dance 3. Remember, we were forced to take that away from him too. All because we wanted to watch A Monster in Paris."

The camera slowly drifts away as the two continue to jabber about nonsensical things. It reveals the expanse of the tastefully decorated drawing room before zooming in on Ayesha clicking through pictures of her master wearing an open silk robe, revealing a black speedo underneath, on the computer. Apparently, those pictures had been intended for Christine…

"Nadir, where are you wandering off to?"

Suddenly, Kerik's face stuffed in front of the camera, taking up the whole screen.

"We're over here, you imbecile," he snarls. "You're supposed to be filming us, not taking a grand tour of the house."

The door to the Louis-Philippe room opens and Lerik emerges wearing dry clothes. He quietly perches himself between Kerik and Derik.

"Nice of you to join us," Kerik greets coolly, glaring at Lerik suspiciously. "Where did you disappear to earlier?"

"Erik was tending to the Siren's will," he replies cryptically.

This response gives everyone pause for thought.

"Shall you answer another question?" Nadir suggests from behind the camera.

"Ah, yes," Derik retrieves another letter – this one pink and scented. "Angelique Winter-haven, thirty-three, asks what we enjoy doing in our spare time. An excellent question! I, of course, prefer to spend my time giving Christine voice lessons. After we have finished for the day, normally we talk for hours, exchanging stories and personal memories. Those private moments where we came to know each other intimately are my best memories."

Kerik clears his throat. "In my spare time, I enjoy watching Christine sleep and I imagine what it would be like to be the shawl covering her luscious body. I love singing with her and taking her for walks as well, but the struggle to maintain physical distance overwhelms me."

Derik shifts uncomfortably in his seat. "That was more than I cared to know."

Lerik's eyes glaze over as he seems to think aloud. "Erik likes to dream what it would be like to have Christine as his wife and to own a house like any other man. All Erik wants is to be loved for himself. If only he could take his wife out on Sundays like any other man, he would be as good and pure as a lamb…. Erik also likes to read E/C fan fiction where they take baths together."

"Good God!" Derik exclaims. "I've had my fill of this today."

He stands and disappears from the camera's view.

"Nadir, don't you dare turn off that camera!" Kerik warns his tone dangerous. "Nadir –!"

The last thing that is seen is Kerik lunging for the camera and attempting to pry it from Nadir's fingers before everything cuts out and turns to static.

A/N: I also wanted to mention that if people like this and want it to continue, I'm totally open to incorporating any questions you want to see answered in the segments, or if you would like to see a certain Phantom make a guest appearance. Thanks for reading and please review!