Summary: The inmates at Litchfield are in the midst of a riot but Alex Vause is flooded with guilt and she dreams of being able to feel completely and utterly free.
Alex looked around the cafeteria, taking in all of the madness that surrounded her. While she was happy they were no longer being harassed by the guards, she wondered if this would all be worth it when the riot was finally over. She wondered if they would all get extra time added to their sentences and, more importantly, if the conditions at Litchfield would get better or if they were destined to be the sadistic guards play things.
"Hey, what's up with you?" Nicky nudged Alex sensing that she seemed distant.
"Oh, I don't know, lots of thing." Alex turned to Nicky, "Do you think this was a bad idea?"
"What do you mean?" Nicky laughed. "The riot? I think it's great! No more random cavity searches and all the free drugs a girl could hope for."
"Yeah, I guess." Alex sighed, "I just wish I'd never came back to this god forsaken place."
"You sure you're ok Vause? You don't seem like yourself."
"Who me?" Alex mustered up as much fake happiness as she could. "Oh yeah, just got a lot on my mind. Nothing to worry about."
"It'll work itself out, don't you worry your pretty little head." Nicky could tell there was something Alex wasn't saying but she tried her best to cheer her up. "Wouldn't want all that pretty dark hair turning grey now would ya? Look I gotta run but come find me if you need anything."
"Thanks Nichols," Alex watched Nicky walk towards one of the many maze like hallways and wished she could be as carefree as the drugged up red head. She wondered how they all did it, Nicky, Piper, Morello, and even Pennsatucky. They all seemed content and happy carrying on with the way things were. She knew they all had their own problems, everyone does. She just couldn't let herself enjoy the little bit of freedom this riot gave them. Every part of her wanted to be anywhere else.
Ever since she killed her hitman disguised as a guard, Alex just couldn't be happy. She knew Aydin would have killed her but at this point she wished he would have. When she and Piper are together, she can force herself to put on a façade but his death is always in the back of her mind. She could still see his face and feel the life leaving his body. The guilt consumed her every thought.
Most of the time reading helped her distract herself from the everyday struggles. She could curl up with a book and immerse herself in a new reality, but recently that hasn't even helped. The riot was a good distraction for a moment but now all Alex wanted was to be out. She didn't care what kind of cheetos the hostages might be traded for and she didn't even care if they received a better education system. Instead, her mind wandered to what kind of apartment she might get, where she might work, and who her new friends might be. Then her mind began to go to a dark place. She remembered how scared she was the first time she got out. She would sit in her nearly empty, one bedroom apartment clinging to her gun. She couldn't leave her for fear of being killed by the international drug ring she had worked for. She would look out the windows and memorize every little detail just so she would know if anything seemed strange. She knew they would find her, even prison couldn't stop them from trying and almost succeeding.
"Hey!" Piper kissed Alex on the cheek pulling her out of her trance.
"Oh, hey," Alex responded half-heartedly. "Haven't seen you for a while, what have you been plotting?"
"Well funny you should ask," Piper exclaimed. "I'm helping Taystee figure out our demands."
"Good luck with that." Alex said as she started walking out of the cafeteria.
"What is that supposed to mean?" Piper hurried after her.
"Nothing Pipes, I'm just not in the mood to listen to your plans of taking over the world today."
"Wow, okay. Thanks Alex way to be supportive." Piper studied Alex's face. "What's wrong?" Her tone now shifted to that of concern.
"Seriously Piper I just don't want to talk about it. There's just a lot going on and I need to get my mind straight. I'll be outside reading a book or something." Alex walked away before Piper could respond. She knew she had been harsh but being alone was the only thing she wanted right now.
She headed towards the prison yard hoping there would be no one outside. Lucky for her, there were only a few inmates outside but they were in line for the port-a-potty. She found a bulldozer that had been left from the construction crew and made herself comfortable in the seat. Once again she let her mind wander. This time, she thought about her life before prison. She thought about her mom and if she even cared about what had been going on at the prison. She hadn't spoken to her in years. Alex wondered if her mom would have even shed a tear had Ayden been successful in his plan. She didn't have any siblings to be sad for her and her only friends were either in prison or a part of the drug ring that had just attempted to kill her.
Then she thought about her dad. Her asshole, rock star dad. She found him and talked to him after one of his concerts thinking he would be excited to now be a part of her life. Unfortunately she had been wrong. He had held up every stereotype of a rockstar, all he cared about was sex, drugs, and money. Finding her dad was the biggest mistake of her life. If she did not care and had never gone to that concert, she wouldn't even know what Litchfield was. She never would have met an international drug dealer outside of that concert. She would never have agreed to become a part of it out of rage and resentment towards her father. And, more importantly, she would never have to worry about a drug lord hiring a hitman to kill her.
Death seemed to be all she thought about these days. She thought about how people had tried to kill her and how killing these people seemed to be the only solution to the problem. She imagined the different ways they might torture her and wondered how long the human body could withstand it before passing out from the shock. Now with the riot going on, death also seemed to be lingering in the air around her. There had not been any casualties from the riot yet but she couldn't help having a feeling that at least one death was inevitable.
"Mind if I join you out here?" Alex looked down from the seat she was on to see Daya staring up at her.
"Sure, go for it." Neither one of them said anything for what seemed like hours. Eventually Alex knew she had to ask her burning question. "You're the one that shot the guard right?"
"Um yeah what about it?" Daya snapped back.
"How do you do it? How can you make the guilt go away?"
"What guilt?" Daya looked genuinely confused. "I don't feel guilty about anything. He deserved it, and it's not like he's dead."
"Not yet," Alex mumbled.
"Excuse me? Who asked you anyway? He brought the gun in here and he would probably be dead if I wasn't the one who grabbed the gun so, like I said, I don't have guilt about nothing."
"Sorry I asked." Alex climbed down from her seat. "I just thought it might be nice to talk to someone who might be able to relate to guilty feelings. I forgot I'm in a prison, everyone's innocent." Daya didn't say anything as Alex walked back inside the prison walls. Alex wondered if it was possible that she was the only one in the entire prison with a conscience. It sure seemed that way. Daya, so far, had been the only inmate that would get extra time on her sentence for shooting someone once the riot ended. Alex knew she could have extra time too if people ever found out that she was the reason there were body parts scattered among the prison garden.
Part of her didn't care about anything anymore. At that moment she knew what she needed to do. She turned around in the middle of the hallway and started towards the prison pharmacy. She wasn't nervous anymore. She knew she wouldn't have to be worried about torture and murder the rest of her life.
"Hey hot stuff."
"Hey Nicky, I need drugs, what do you got for me?" Alex didn't waste any time but she knew she needed to keep her composure. She couldn't let Nicky see the darkness and sadness that had consumed her.
"Well you seem like you have a little more pep in your step Vause. Glad to see it. And yeah I got drugs," Nicky chuckled. "What are you wanting?"
"Hmm I don't know. Got any sleeping meds or anything? I'll just take the whole bottle with me if you don't care. I haven't been sleeping with all this bullshit going on." It was the first lie that she could think of.
"Makes sense. Here try this see if it works for ya. Don't be tellin people I'm giving out whole bottles though or my business will go down the drain fast."
"Don't worry. Thanks Nicky." Alex hugged her tightly before she hurried away. She went to her bunk and grabbed an old notebook before she weaved her way through the dark hallways of the prison. She found a spot she knew no one would come to, at least not anytime soon. The bottle started to feel heavy in her hand as she reached in her pocket and pulled out a pen. She set the bottle down and opened the notebook. She began to write as the tears started to fall.
'I want to start off by saying I'm sorry. I'm sorry Piper, Nicky, Red, and anyone else who may read this. I'm sorry I didn't say goodbye in person. I couldn't, you wouldn't have let me go. I also want to say I'm sorry for my crime. Not the drug smuggling, not for my parole violations, but the murder. I, Alex Vause, killed a man named Aydin. He was part of the international drug ring I had involvement in and he was sent to kill me. I'm sorry to his family and friends that you never got to say goodbye. More importantly I'm sorry to my friend, Lolly. I let you take the fall and you didn't deserve it. I've been living with too much guilt and this is my only way out. If I confess I'll be behind bars for most, if not all, of my life. If I don't confess I get out of jail when my sentence is over but I live with the guilt. I also live in fear. I live in fear every day. My life has been threatened many times and almost ended by a hitman. Even in prison I am not safe. They will torture me and kill me. I don't want to live my life in fear. So this is my only solution, my only escape. I love you Piper, I love you Nicky, I love you Red.'
She wiped the tears from her face as she put the pen down and opened the bottle. She dumped the pills in her hand and without a second thought, swallowed them. She read over her letter one last time before she laid down. She cried and slowly started to drift off to sleep before she heard the prison alarms begin to screech. She slowly opened her eyes and saw shadows of armed officers begin to walk towards her.