Disclaimer: Gambit, the X-Men, and all related characters and likenesses are the property of the Marvel Company. Superman is the property of DC Comics. The priest is my own creation. This is a work of fan fiction and no profit is being made from it.

Gambit Goes to Confession

St. Louis Cathedral. A priest sits in a chair on one side of a screen. There is another chair opposite of it. Gambit comes in looking quite chagrined and sits down in the empty chair.

Gambit: Bless me father, f'r I have sinned. It's been 'bout 15 years since m'last confession.

Priest: Oh, dear. (Catches himself.) What have you ta confess mah son?

Gambit: How much time d'ya have?

Priest: All tha time under heaven. Well, 'till 'bout four-thirty.

Gambit: Bien. Better get dis outta de way. (Long pause.)

Priest: Yes. Ah'm listenin'.

Gambit: So where ya from?

Priest: What does that have ta with anythin'? Alabama. Ya gonna confess or not? Ah don't have all day. Ya couldn't possibly have done anythin' Ah ain't heard before.

Gambit: Prob'ly get alotta t'ieves dis bein' the mother church.

Priest: What tha hell are ya talkin' about!? This is St. Louis Cathedral, N'awlins. Ever heard of it?-

Gambit: I was born an' raised here. Don' need t'get too touchy, homme.

Priest: Why tha hell would there be thieves comin' ta tha church!?

Gambit: Never mind dat. (A beat.) I been a t'ief m'entire life. Started as a pick-pocket on de streets. Den I was adopted by de head o'de T'ieves Guild-

Priest: Tha what? Young man, Ah don't think ya need a priest. Ya need a psychiatrist.

Gambit: Already met one o'dose. He was actual'y a Psychologist.

Priest: And has yoah friend helped ya out any?

Gambit: Never took him up on de offer. Well, anyhow, on t'confessin'-

Priest: 'Bout time ya nut-job.

Gambit: I heard dat. (A beat.) Ok, so I became one o'de best t'ieves in de entire world-

Priest: Ya know tha ten commandments include "Thou shalt not steal"-

Gambit: Like I got alotta choice in de mat'er. I was raised wit' it.

Priest: God's grace allows us ta overcome such things. Ya ever prayed, son?

Gambit: Tha name's Remy by th' way. Ain't prayed since de X-Men left me t'die in Antarctica. Ya get left dere you'd be prayin' too, homme-

Priest: (Dumbfounded.) Who are you?

Gambit: To my friends it's Remy LeBeau, to my enemies it's Gambit. (adapted from Uncanny X-Men #361)

Priest: Ya have two names...like Superman? Yoah a super-hero-

Gambit: An' a t'ief.

Priest: How'd ya manage that one?

Gambit: Skilled writers.

Priest: Huh? Lord, help me, Ah've lost mah marbles.

Gambit: Les' jus' agree dat we ain't fr'm de same reality.

Priest: Yoah one of tha X-Men, lahke those movies with Hugh Jackman.

Gambit: I wasn' in de films.

Priest: Sorry. Ah can only help yoah soul, not yoah film career.

Gambit: Alright, real quick. I lead some real bad people into de sewers o'New York so dey could massacre dese innocent people. I didn' know dat was gonna happen, I swear. It was f'r de man I worked f'r. Ain't never forgiven m'self dat.

Priest: It ain't easy, but, Remy, yoah gotta know that God is gonna forgive ya an' yoah gonna have ta forgive yaself.

Gambit: I lied t'my teammates 'bout it.

Priest: Understandable. It's hard ta be honest 'bout things lahke that.

Gambit: I've slept wit' alotta women an' none o'them were m'wife-

Priest: You've committed adultery?

Gambit: Non. Was only married t'her f'r an hour when 'er brother attacked me-

Priest: Ah'm not gonna ask how that went.

Gambit: I've never married th' woman I love, but I have slept wit' 'er more'n once.

Priest: Why not? Sex outside of marriage is a sin.

Gambit: She can't usually touch nobody. She absorbs people's powers, life energy, mem'ries, dat sort o't'ing.

Priest: That really doesn't make any sense ta meh.

Gambit: Didn' think it would. Her name's Rogue if you're wondering.

Priest: She doesn't have a real name?

Gambit: It's Anna-Marie, but she doesn' answer to it. In fact, she didn' reveal it f'r 'bout 23 years.

Priest: Are yoah done? Yoah covered 'bout ev'ry category of sin there is.

Gambit: Yes. Ya could jus' say all o'de above an' dat'd cover it.

Priest: Well, yoah penance is ta stop yoah sinful behavior, pray ta God for mercy on ya soul as often as ya can, marry that woman...an' stay tha hell outta mah church!

Gambit: Done deal!

He exits. The priest puts his head in his hands.