WARNING: This is supposed to be a humorous, light-hearted story and should in no way be taken seriously. This fanfic is completely pointless and is not meaningful or moving in the slightest. If you like cute babies and making fun of Sebastian/Jonathan, please enjoy. If not...I don't really know what you're still doing here, to be honest.

Takes place after CoLS and before CoHF.

"My Lord."

With a growl, Sebastian whipped off his sunglasses and snapped, "What is it, Amatis? Can't you see I'm trying to tan?"

Amatis bowed her head slightly. "My apologies for interrupting you, Master, but I come bearing news."

"Spit it out, then." He eyed the bundle in her arms warily. "What is that?"

"Precisely what I've come to speak to you about, my Lord." Amatis adjusted the bundle so that it rested in one arm; she brushed corner of the wool blanket away, revealing soft pink cheeks, a button nose, and a fringe of white-blond hair.

A look of horror crossed Sebastian's face. "Amatis, what is that?"

"A child, my Lord," Amatis said slowly. "Your child."

"My child?" Sebastian hissed. "Impossible."

"Quite the opposite, my Lord. She looks just like you."

"Where did this thing come from?" Sebastian demanded. "Where is its mother?"

"She left, my Lord."

"She left? She came, dropped this thing off, and you just let her leave? What the hell is wrong with you?"

Amatis glanced down at the sleeping baby. "I assume you're not going to keep her then, my Lord?"

"Keep her?" Sebastian curled his lip. "Amatis, I am the Lord of the Endarkened. What use could I have for a child?"

"If you do not wish to keep her, what shall we do with her?"

"Kill it," Sebastian said nonchalantly, flipping his shades back on. "Poison it, burn it, cut its throat—I don't care how, so long as it's dead before sundown."

Amatis hesitated. "My Lord, are you quite sure you don't want to-"

"Amatis, there's no way to be sure that she's even mine." Sebastian sniffed, shooting the bundle a cold glance. "Who was her mother, anyways?"

"A woman."

Sebastian growled, "I assumed that much, Amatis. Who was she?"

"That I do not know, my Lord. She was a Nephilim who came by this morning. She did not give us her name."

"Nephilim, you say?" Sebastian rubbed his chin, leaning back into his lawn chair. "I've lured countless Shadowhunter women into my bed. How could I possibly remember which woman you're talking about?"

Amatis gazed down at the child, who'd begun to stir. "Are you quite sure you want her killed, my Lord? She does look an awful lot like you."

"I'll be the judge of that!" Sebastian snapped, leaping to his feet. "Hand it over."

Amatis gently placed the stirring baby into Sebastian's open arms. "Be careful with her, my Lord. She's hardly more than a newborn."

Sebastian took the baby and held her up by her armpits. The babe's big black eyes fluttered open, framed by long white lashes. At the sight of her scowling father, the baby's face split into a gummy pink grin.

"It's hideous," Sebastian said monotonously. "This creature could not possibly share my blood."

"She has your nose," Amatis said fondly. "And your eyes."

"I suppose it does." Sebastian examined the baby with narrowed black eyes. "Amatis, what am I supposed to do with it?"

"Does this mean you're keeping her, my Lord?"

"I said no such thing," Sebastian said quickly. "I am only considering letting it live."

"You could drop her off at an orphanage," Amatis suggested. "Or a nursing home. Elderly people adore babies. She'll be well cared for."

Sebastian considered this. His half-demon daughter—at least, he assumed that's what she was—raised by a bunch of elderly humans who smelled of soap and raisins? The mere thought made his lip curl.

"Blasphemy!" Sebastian snapped, tossing the infant over his shoulder. The child giggled gleefully. "I'll not have my own flesh and blood grow up surrounded by withering prunes."

Amatis's face lit up. "Will you keep her?"

"Yes," Sebastian declared. "Once she's grown, she'll make a powerful weapon. I won't make the same mistake that Jocelyn did with Clarissa."

"Very good, my Lord. What shall you call her?"

Sebastian froze. "What?"

"Her mother didn't give her a name. What will you call her?"

Sebastian pondered this. What would he call her? Naming her after either of his parents was certainly out of the question; he hated them both. He'd never much liked the name 'Clarissa' either, mainly for its lack of sophisticated grace. Seraphina? Sebastian frowned. Adele, perhaps?

A thought occurred to him, and he broke into a wide grin. Lilith. Lilith Adele, after the only two women he'd ever loved. It was perfect.

"Lilith Adele Morgenstern," Sebastian purred, holding the child up in front of him. "What do you think, Amatis?"

She smiled wide. "A wonderful choice, my Lord."

"Lilith Adele," Sebastian repeated. He adjusted the little demon so that she rested cradled in the crook of his arm; Lilith yawned and blinked sleepily, fluttering her snow-white lashes. She snuggled into his chest, purring at the warmth he emitted. Sebastian felt a strange sensation stir deep in his chest, and his cheeks flushed pink.

"My Lord?"

Sebastian jumped. "Y-yes? What is it?"

"The portal is open, my Lord. We await your command."

"Portal. Of course," Sebastian cleared his throat. "To Edom."

Amatis bowed her head. "Lead the way, my Lord."

Sebastian gave a stiff nod, adjusted Lilith in his arms, and started back towards what remained of the Los Angeles Institute. Come, little demon. A smile played on Sebastian's lips. We're going home.