A/N: Speaking from personal experience, life likes to kick us when we're down... but not always. This story is inspired by "Moments" by Emerson Drive, set after Forgiving Rollins but she didn't take a two-week vacation to unwind afterward.
Possible trigger warning: thoughts of suicide.
Amanda stood at the entrance to one of New York's many bridges. She had walked a whole hour from her apartment to get to that place. It was well past midnight and the cold winter air was biting into her unprotected body. She was not dressed for the weather, she didn't think to grab a jacket on her way out. She did not think to grab anything really, she carried only what she had in her pockets at the time she decided to leave: her phone and wallet.
The blonde detective had been drunk when she left her home and unfortunately the time and the cold walk had sobered her up some, but that didn't change what she planned to do. She was tired, she was broken and Amanda just didn't have the energy to run any more. She didn't want to face it any more, the searing pain of her past or the dull nothingness she had been feeling for the last few months. Amanda was surprised at how calm she felt. For the first time in ages nothing was weighing her down because nothing would matter to her in a few minutes. She was done running.
A strong gust of wind rolled off the water under the bridge and blew past the solitary blonde woman. Her eyes trailed after a piece of paper flying past her, pushed forward by the swirling currents of air. She watched it land a few yards away in front of a small cardboard box pushed under the bridge far enough to provide shelter for some poor unfortunate soul. She continued to stare in that direction even when she noticed a hand reach out from the box to grab the paper followed soon by a scruffy looking man that had to be in his late sixties early seventies.
The man glanced towards her and Amanda watched as he looked her over. If it was any other day this might have bothered her, but for the moment she didn't care. She broke eye contact with the man and continued to walk over the bridge. It didn't escape her notice that the homeless man was following her. She finally stopped when she made it halfway over. Amanda paused to look at her unwanted companion who had stopped as well, only 15 feet away.
The seasoned but weary detective was almost intrigued. There was something strange about him, the way he looked, the way he carried himself? She couldn't reason what it was, but she also didn't care. Reaching into her pocket she retrieved her wallet and pulled out the money she had on her. She wouldn't need it anyway.
The old man walked to meet her. Quietly he grabbed the money. He looked at her and then to the floor, Amanda couldn't help but notice the look of shame cross his face. "You know I haven't always been like this" the homeless man said with a shrug and a weary smile "I've had my moments" he leaned on the rail of the bridge and looked down at the far distance below and then back at Amanda. "I've had my days in the sun, times when I was second to none, moments when I knew I did what I thought I couldn't do..." Amanda listened to the man, she didn't expect for him to want a conversation but there was something about him, something familiar perhaps that drew her in and had her hanging on his every word. "Like that plane ride coming home from the war, or that summer my son was born" the homeless man gave a grand smile as the images of his past popped into his head "those memories... those times, made everything worth it. Even this" he indicated his status as a transient.
Amanda had nothing to say. She couldn't think of a time where she was truly happy, her heart was still captured by the desire to be in the deep darkness of death's embrace. The homeless man gave her a look, a gaze that told Amanda that he knew exactly what she was thinking. What she planned to do.
"So what's your story?" he asked out of the blue. The question took her by surprise and she shook her head in confusion. The homeless man simply repeated the question.
"I don't have a story" Amanda finally spoke out. She hung her head and wrapped her arms around herself as she suddenly felt the bitter cold swirling around her.
"Of course you do" the old man responded without missing a beat "everyone and everything has a story, it's just a matter of someone telling it"
She looked at her unwanted company and scoffed "you want to know what's got me up here?" she asked rhetorically "well my life's a mess, I fucked that up like I fuck up everything I touch" her companion did not respond, the silence edging her on to continue. "I have nothing, my family..." she spit out "I can't even call them that, after my sister tried to frame me for murder. My work was my life until I messed it up over my gambling addiction, lost the trust of my boss and my co-workers. The job I loved only reminded me everyday how my old boss raped me, caused me to run from my home state of Georgia just to get away. I was doing better until he returned and raped another woman, something I could have stopped if I had only reported him in the first place" she was speaking rapidly and her body was shaking from the force of the emotions she was evoking, the pain almost physical and a sharp contrast to the numbness she had become accustomed to. "The worst part happened only today, this girl... a young girl. She needed my help, she needed me to bring down the man who hurt her, but I couldn't. He just slipped away... so she killed herself. She called me on the phone and..." she didn't want to remember the horrible sound of the gun going off. The blood, the devastation to the girl's body. That's why Amanda didn't just eat her gun. She didn't want to leave that image for those who would find her. Instead she simply wished to disappear. She didn't think anyone would notice anyway. " So you see, I have nothing to live for" Amanda finished as she turned to face the edge of the bridge, hands gripping onto the rails tightly. Her fingers turned white over the rusted metal.
"That's quite a sad story, but I think you're missing a few parts," the old man said after contemplating her tale for a few seconds.
"What?" Amanda said in indignation "what the hell are you talking about, it's my story. I told you all there was"
"No, you forgot to mention the good things. Besides there's always a reason to live for, even if it's a promise from the past or the hope for a better future"
"Hope? There's no more hope in this world" Amanda said scornfully. A single tear fell from her eye as she added in a whisper "it's all been taken away"
A sudden laugh erupted from the homeless man, it would have been contagious if Amanda wasn't in such a dark place "honey, it seems that you don't even understand what hope is all about" he said as he looked at her with interest. "Hope is a very peculiar thing, you see, it may seem lost and all but gone; however it will still remain. It's one of the most stubborn things in this world. It can never be taken away" he gave her a pointed look "it is only gone when you give it up. You have to relinquish your hope"
"That's just it, I've given it all up" Amanda said dejectedly "I've seen far too much of this world's pain to even want it back"
"Now you're just you're fooling yourself, kid" the homeless man began "you haven't lost all hope, it's small yes... but it's still there" he said as he raised a finger and pointed toward her heart.
"How could you even say that?" Amanda asked thinking... no, she knew this man was delusional.
"Because you're still here aren't you, you're talking to me right now," he said plainly as he gestured between the two of them.
Amanda was struck by what he said. He was right, she didn't have to talk to him. She could have just jumped and if she didn't want an audience she could have sent him packing, but she didn't want to. Some part of herself wanted to keep talking to him. She couldn't explain it but at the moment she didn't want him to leave... she didn't want to leave "do you want to try again to tell your story?" he gave her a kind look "What moments were all yours?"
At first Amanda feared that she didn't have anything to share. She feared that she was right all along and that she had no reason to live, not for the present or from the past, and she was right until a thought struck her "I graduated college" she said in a small voice. He gave her a gentle smile and she found herself continuing "No one in my family had ever stepped foot in a university, but I did it. I did it all by myself despite what my whole town believed. I earned a full ride through running" she found herself showing a small smile of her own. She remembered when running felt amazing and liberating, not like the method to flee the world she had been using it for as she has been doing for the last several years.
Then another thought struck her "Then there was when I was sworn into the police force. I became what I always wanted to be. It just kept getting better and better because I soon found myself to be a detective. I was helping people, I loved my job and where I was in my life" then her smile faded "but that's where he found me"
"Those memories, your accomplishments" the homeless man began quickly, he did not want her to dwell on a negative moment "they mean a great deal to you?"
"They used to," Amanda said as she looked into the sky, it was slowly becoming brighter. The sun was beginning to rise.
"They still do" the homeless man observed "life is a journey with beautiful scenery, but sometimes you can get caught up in some terrible storms. You can hate and curse the rain all you want, but in the end, you will come to realize that the sights you love are made all the better because of the deluge that falls from the sky from time to time. The contrast it provides makes you cherish the sun even more"
"You're a strange old man" Amanda found herself saying without thinking "do you ever not talk in metaphors?"
"Well I just like to talk in general, and most of the time it gets me into trouble" he gave her a mischievous look "but at other instances, I can do some good"
"Why do you even bother?" Amanda asked. She could not help it, the past few years had made her cynical.
"Why do I breath?" he simply responded with a chuckle and a shrug "as you say, I'm a strange old man" he reached into his pocket and pulled out a small bracelet, the size of a child's hand. A single small charm rested on the chain, a pair of white angel wings. He gazed intently at the small piece of jewelry "but in truth, I had a guardian angel help me when I was at my most darkest hour..." he looked back at Amanda "and now I find it my job to do the same"
"Guardian angel, huh. Well, I've never had one before" Amanda huffed out. She always found the myth quite ridiculous and now she found a self-proclaimed one in front of her.
"You probably have, but we're just hard to see" he winked and added "and some of us are not good at our job" he chuckled some more "however, it's not up to us in the end. We can only help those who are open to listening. We don't make any decisions it's up to the individual themselves to choose their course" he put the charm bracelet away "so then, child, what are you going to do now?"
Amanda thought for several moments. What did she want to do? The sun would be rising in less than a half an hour. The small trickle of cars would soon be the raging rapids of rush hour. If she wanted to jump she needed to do it soon, but did she want to do it anymore? "I'm done running" she said suddenly "I made that decision when I left my apartment, and I'm sticking to that"
"So you're going to..." the homeless man trailed off, he had a sad expression on his face
"I'm going to call for a ride" she said with a shrug "I'm going home" but who to call, Amanda thought to herself. She couldn't call Fin, he would be able to read her too well. He would know what she had planned to do. She couldn't call Amaro, things always turned explosive when they were together and right now she couldn't handle that. Liv? No, they didn't have a great relationship. Carisi, the new guy? He didn't know her very well, he owed her a favor and she was pretty sure she could get him to not ask too many questions.
Amanda called the team's newest detective and told him where she was and that she needed a ride. He didn't even ask why. He just said that he'd be there soon. Amanda continued to talk to the old man while she waited. They watched the sun rise and enjoyed the lovely beginning of a new day.
She got the phone call that Carisi was almost there and as she hung up the homeless man began to speak "take care of yourself Amanda, and remember that life is a journey. While it's an exciting and beautiful ride there will always be roadblocks, but like with most things it's all well and good to travel alone however it's always better to travel with a friend or two"
Amanda rolled her eyes at the old man's words "I swear, you're like a walking motivational poster" she said as she placed her phone back in her pocket. Carisi was only a few yards away. "What?" she questioned as she felt something in her pocket that wasn't there before, a card? "What the hell?" she said astounded as she read the small card. It was the business card to Benson's therapist, the card she tore up and discarded the day it was given to her. "How in the..." she looked around for the old man but he was nowhere to be seen.
At that moment Carisi pulled up and opened the passenger door for her "Rollins?" he questioned when she didn't get in "come on Rollins, it's freezing... why the hell aren't you wearing a jacket?" he continued when he noticed the light clothing she had on.
"I uh" she stuttered still confused but finally entered the car when the car behind Carisi began to honk. "Did you see an old man on the bridge?" she asked him when she finally sat down and he began to drive.
"An old man? No Rollins you were the only person on that bridge" he said as he fished in the back to reach an old jacket of his. He threw it at her "here put this on, I'm cold just looking at you" Amanda did so but her mind still remained distant. There was no way the homeless man disappeared that fast, he had to have... a sudden realization struck her and a chill ran through her body, but not from the cold. The old man had called her by her name, but she had never given it to him.
"God Amanda you have goosebumps all over your body" Carisi observed "are you alright?" he asked out of concern. He found her on a bridge just before dawn, not wearing appropriate clothing for the weather and asking about a man that was never there. It sufficed to say that Carisi would be an idiot to not be concerned for his blonde colleague.
"Honestly, no Carisi I'm not alright" Amanda stated her true feelings but then glanced at the card still in her hands "but I think I'm going to be in the future, thanks to a friend" she smiled at him. Amanda wasn't going to say that the old man was her guardian angel. She was far too stubborn to even think that, but she would admit that he did save her life and helped her realize that there are different courses to follow.
A/N: I can't help but feel like this story was corny but I have to admit I've always liked corny things lol :) I think this story reflects my personality. I always think or expect the worse, but deep inside I can not deny that I am an optimist at heart. I hope you enjoyed this little story :)