I don't own the characters. They are owned by NBC and Michael Crichton and all those who write, produce, and etc…ER. If I did own ER, Neela and Ray would be together…since they're PERFECT for each other.

Anyhow, this is a little Neela drabble. I was listening to Daughtry and this popped into my head. It may not be the best, but after not having a computer for a year, this was…well, my muses are a little rusty. Hope you enjoy anyhow!

I've often been told that when you love someone with your entire being, they'd always be with you. Somehow, this doesn't work. I've spent the better part of a year trying to forget him. Not because I don't love him, but it is doubtful that he even loves me anymore, if he ever really did. Forgetting him is hard because there's always something here that reminds me of him.

I realize that I've not been in a serious relationship for a year. It's not because I don't want one. I think that it's really my subconscious telling me that without him, I'm really nothing. I am a talented surgeon who goes home to an empty apartment and watches Project Runway when my cable's working and eats ice cream like it's going out of style.

Even the lack of cable brings up memories of him. The night that I called him at a forsaken hour and he came over and fixed it for me, no questions asked. No 'You-owe-me's. Nothing.

I want to call him and invite him over for coffee. Than I realize he's in Baton Rouge.

I've tried over working to get all thoughts, all memories, of him, of us, out of my head.

Still, I can't forget Ray. I can't stop loving him. I tried. Hell, I even slept with that weasel Simon Brenner, just to 'get laid'. A fact I am totally embarrassed to admit, even in my own journal. But, I couldn't help but see Ray's face. It wasn't Simon that I was thinking of and I think it would be a blow to his ego if he knew. Maybe I should tell him.

But the fact is that I am running, still, from Ray and I am finding that with every twist and turn, he's there. The harder I try to run from him and his memory, the more he consumes me. He's every where. When I crashed, Ray was there…always. Even now, when I crash, Ray's there. It's not the same as having his arms around me, but it's comforting, in a really odd sort of way, to have his pictures.

Suddenly, my flat has become a shrine to him…to us…to 'The Roomies' . There are literally pictures everywhere. That's why no one, not even Abby, comes over anymore. I'm living in a new state…the State of Denial. It's almost as though if I don't admit he's gone, he'll walk through that door, Bret in tow.

As I look at the picture, I realize how much he changed since we first met. He not only looked more suave and sophisticated, he looked mature. He looked like he was an adult. For the first time, I realized that I was living with and completely in love with a man-child. He knew how to laugh at everything and yet had a remarkable ability to dwell in self pity. Maybe he's doing that now.

Maybe he's wondering why…I'm a fool. I really am. How long should it take someone to realize what their heart has been trying to say all along?

I think it's time I admit to myself that I love him. I've loved Ray Barnett since before Michael. I love Ray. There. I've said it to myself. Maybe it's time I told Ray.

I wonder how much it would cost to fly to Baton Rouge.