When I'm Done Here
Summary: 'He didn't want to go to Hell… didn't want to lose himself down there. He didn't want Sam to lose himself out here'. / Season 3. Dean. / Kinda contemplative. Sort-of song-fic to Linkin Park's 'Leave Out all the Rest'.
It wasn't dying he was afraid of. Not really.
He didn't want to, yeah, but it wasn't his worst fear. Not right now, anyway.
It's not like he dwelled on it much, really. He tried to avoid thinking about it, but that was almost impossible when he had a deadline over his soul and a brother who wouldn't drop it.
Maybe in a way, he was afraid of dying.
Not for him, though. For Sam.
He didn't want to go to Hell.
Alright, yeah – nobody in their right mind would.
He never really expected to end up in Heaven, honestly, when he did die. But that didn't mean he anticipated an eternity way downstairs, either.
Sure, he'd done some pretty shitty crap in his life. And he may have inadvertently killed innocents, and yeah, he was way on the other side of the spectrum when it came to the whole righteous, pious thing. But still… he'd saved lives his whole life.
He'd saved his brother's life.
He didn't deserve Hell for that.
Sometimes he thought he should've come up with a bucket list. Things to do before his time was up. Fun things, that is.
Would've been pointless, though, if he couldn't do any of it with Sammy.
Not that he blamed him.
But he wished he could take the burden off his little brother.
He couldn't do anything, though, short of cancelling the deal. Which wasn't possible – and wouldn't have been an option even if it was. He wasn't losing Sam. Not in this lifetime.
Not in the next, either, because he would get out of the pit. He had to.
Had to believe it. For Sam mostly, and for himself.
They couldn't give up hope.
Having his brother upset with him was not awesome.
Sam tried not to be, he knew that, but the guy was getting more than a little desperate, and frustrated at all the dead ends. At the unfairness of the deal.
And yeah – Dean felt damn guilty about that. It was selfish of him. But he wouldn't take it back. Couldn't.
Sam was stronger than him. He would… he could handle this.
It was more than he could say for himself, when he hadn't handled losing his brother at all.
But he didn't want them to be at odds with each other.
Time was running out.
They couldn't afford that.
He wanted one last good memory, to hold onto.
For both of them.
He didn't want to lose himself down there.
He didn't want Sam to lose himself out here.
One last chance to be an awesome big brother again, he had to take it. Couldn't leave his brother angsting and hurting the whole way through.
They were right at the end now. The final stretch.
It was bittersweet, that moment. But he held onto it. Kept it secured deep in him, the one thing he was adamant not to lose hold of.
A memory of something fun, light, in the middle of everything else shrouded by dark, dark, blackness. It was a memory of family, of brotherly love.
Hell wouldn't take it from him. Hell wouldn't – damn couldn't – take Sammy from him.
And he had a feeling his brother wouldn't let it go either. He wouldn't just abandon hope like that.
They were stronger than that.
When my time comes,
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
And don't resent me,
And when you're feeling empty,
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest…
Leave out all the rest
A/N :- Heh. Hi. ^^ That was random. And here I was thinking my serious angsty li'l plot bunnies had all poofed, but… guess not. X)
Note to Dodo – yes, I know what you're thinking. What happened to the funnies? *sheepish grin* Deep seriousness took over once more. I blame… uh… that angst-loving part of my mind. Hey, it was a chance to play in Deano's mind again, I couldn't say no!
To other people - that's dodo.123, who I told I would post up a humour fic for SPN cuz my motivation for ze angsty stuff was dying. But I ended up writing this anyway. And, coincidentally, cuz we have such an awesome twin-psychic connection, she posted up an uberly adorable Weechesters fic almost the exact same time I posted this. ;) Go check it out, it's wayyyyyyyyy epic. *cuddles kiddie Sammy and Dean*
Oh yes, and I also blame Linkin Park. Song belongs to them, there. Leave Out All The Rest, is what it's called. Bittersweet song for a bittersweet season. Consequently, my fave one. x) Too bad it was the shortest.
Honestly, I feel like I like this one the most out of my SPN fics - not exactly just for the content. And I doubt it'll get as many reviews and fave's as other ones, but cuz I know what I was thinking of when I was writing each bit. What scenes from season 3 were going through my head, which quotes from the bros. Kinda ups the ... sentimentality of it, I guess. For me, anyway. I would have put in a quote for each bit to emphasise what exactly I was referring to each time, but leaving it ambiguous is better. That way, you guys can fill in whatever scenes you like. =)
Don't really have anything else to say here, oddly enough. Was just itching to write something and post it up. Dean is awesome. Best big bro ever.
Done. :P
~izzy.