Reason Enough

The sound of Charlie's voice floated up the stairs towards the attic. I was just inside the tiny space sliding boxes to the edge near the ladder, so I could grab them from the top of the ladder and haul them down into Bella's former room. Charlie had decided this was the best work area for arranging everything he was re-organizing.

Nessie was at the Cullen's learning how to hunt, and I was there at Charlie's helping him go through things, because Bella wouldn't come to help him any longer. Her change made it so hard for her to be around him, and she still hadn't forgiven me for telling Charlie that she'd returned. This was my penance for opening my mouth when Bella didn't approve. I had to help Charlie when she couldn't. I pulled the last box to the opening in the floor of the attic, and stepped down onto the ladder and grabbed the box. I pulled it to my chest, it was heavier than the last few had been, and drew it against me to carry it down the ladder. I leaned back, and stepped down onto the next step, as soon as my full weight pressed into it, I felt a slight snap under my foot. Panicked I reached towards the ladder with one hand, but it was just enough to catch the box on the edge of the doorway of the attic.

The box popped up, hit me in the face and then I fell back against the floor.  The box, it's contents and me crashed to the ground, our landing made a noise that sounded like an explosion.   I landed with a wuff as most of my air was forced out of my lungs. The noise was ridiculous,  glass shattering, the sound of wood crashing against other pieces of wood. One of the wood pieces made contact with my forehead causing me to wheeze out an airless ouch. I heard Charlie call up concerned from downstairs.

"Jake! Jake, are you okay?" I could hear his steps, and the sound of him asking whoever he was speaking to hold on for a second.

My breath came back full force, making me cought a little. "Yeah Charlie, I'm okay." I called out more softly than I'd meant to.

"You sure?" he still sounded worried. I took a deeper breath and belted it out a little, "Charlie! I'm fine!" I said, annoyed.

I heard him resume his conversaton with the person on the phone.

I looked around me at the clutter. Broken glass, small thin strips of wood..and various photos were now scattered everywhere in the hall. I grabbed the box, and began scraping everything together off the rug and just dropping it inside the box. I did it as quietly as I could, because I wanted to put off the moment when Charlie realized I'd broken so much. Damn it! You'd think being half werewolf would keep bad things from happening to you. I thought about it and realized it was probably my werewolf size that had caused the ladder to break.

A frame had broken and bounced a away from the rest of the stuff. I stood up, barely avoiding hitting my head on the ladder, to walk over to the frame. I reached down and saw there were two photos in the frame, and a piece of folded paper, as they were peeking out from behind the front photo. The main photo was of Bella and her Dad several years ago during a barbecue at our place, She was standing with Rebecca and Rachel, who had a sheet wrapped around bella, and twisted around her several times. All of them were laughing. I was sitting behind them on a log. I was about eight and Bella was about nine. One of the many summer visits Bella'd had when I was young.

I pulled the second photo out, it was an old photo, but color. It was the eyes that made me freeze. I knew those eyes, dark, nearly black. Beautiful. They belonged to Sarah Black, my Mother. Curious, I pulled the letter out.

The writing was careful, lovely. My Dad always said she'd been a sweet woman, her writing fit that idea somehow.

I opened it and began reading.

Charlie,

Thank you for your sweet words, I've burnt your letter because it would destroy Billy to read it. I can't devastate this family this way, and it's my intention to leave it before I destroy it with my dishonorable behavior. Both you and Billy deserve better women. Please don't feel this is your fault, or that it diminishes my feelings in any way. I just can't allow this to continue. Rebecca and Rachel already suspect something, thankfully Jacob is still young enough to be entirely unaware. He will grow older though Charlie, and one day, he'll be old enough to confront you, his Father and me. I can't allow that to happen. I will see you one final time this evening, I'll meet you at Ephraim's old treaty line off the old river road. Please understand I won't let you pursue me. I know this will be hard for you to handle, especially after the way Renee took Bella and left you, but it's the only ending to this situation which makes any sense. There is every reason for this, and I believe if you're honest with yourself, you know I speak the truth. One last, Charlie. That is all.

Love,

SB

I was so into reading the letter that I didn't hear Charlie return up the stairs until he was standing at my shoulder,

"What the hell happened up here Jake, what's tha...." he trailed off as he saw the photo in my left hand, and the letter in my right. He took a deep breath, and stepped over to the wall. As he pushed his back against wall of the hall he exhaled, and looked down at the floor.

I looked from the letter to Charlie, to the letter again? I couldn't make sense of what I'd just read and how it applied it to a man who'd been like a brother, almost a second father to me. My stomach turned over, and I felt light-headed. After a moment I was finally able to talk a little, I turned to Charlie, eyes wide, I said, "Charlie...could,...could you tell me,...what this letter's about?"

Charlie glanced up at my eyes, holding them. "Ah Jacob, you know,...you were never meant to see that."

I looked back down at the letter again, and back to Charlie. "I'm not that dumb Charlie; but I dropped the box, it broke, so did the frame, and now I have seen it. So, please...explain." I said, a tone coming into my voice I had never used with Charlie Swan.

We looked at each other eye to eye. After what seemed like years Charlie took a deep breath and nodded his head, "Ok Jake, but not up here. Let's go downstairs. I think I'd like to have a cup of coffee for this."

I nodded my head, I could understand that. Now that the initial shock was wearing off, I was beginning to feel my usual emotions. The central part of which was anger.

We walked down the stairs into the kitchen, and I could feel myself boring holes into the back of Charlie's head.

He grabbed the cup he'd been using all morning, and walked over to the sink. He washed it out, grabbed the pot of coffee off the counter, and poured himself a cup. He gestured to me, offering me a seat at the table, and I sat down across from him. Charlie looked pale, shaken. I felt angry at the suspicions growing in my mind, but knowing Charlie my whole life made it difficult to let the feeling get out of control. At least for now.

"I guess it began with the time after Renee left, when she took Bella and emptied my life, I continued to keep it pretty empty. Your Dad was still able to get around then, and he came up to visit me once he learned what had happened. He spent days with me at first, staying on into the evenings, continuously. He was spending so much time away from home that Sarah began to get annoyed. Eventually Sarah came up to spend time with Billy. I guess she figured if she couldn't beat 'em, she'd join 'em. We had dinners here and you would be here with Sarah, running around after Rebecca and Rachel and getting into anything they were working on. You drove them crazy on those nights, and bawled like an animal when the girls would force you away from them. The weeks went by, turned into months, and time passed. I was still keeping my life empty, but somehow it felt fuller when your Dad and Sarah were around.

"Eventually, they got me to come down to La Push too. Still, it was a back and forth in those days. Billy was occasionally unable to come up because of meetings with the Quileute elders, and on those nights, Sarah would come up with your sisters and you. Bless that woman, she was so kind to me, she always took care of the little things women do. Fixing buttons on my shirt, cleaning things up when she came by. I always thanked her at the end of the evenings she visited, fighting great embarrassment. She'd always put a gentle hand on my arm, and say, "Charlie, don't. It's my pleasure." as she'd smiled. It was one of those nights when Billy was off at a meeting, and your Mom had brought you all up that you decided to go for a run. Your Mom and I had been helping the girls work on a project for school they had. We all thought you were hiding under my kitchen table, right here," he pointed at the top of the table, indicating the empty space beneath it."but we soon realized you weren't. We looked all over the house for you, Sarah was running room to room in a panic trying to find out where you'd gone. After searching the entire house twice, including the attic, we realized you must have gone running off into the forest.

"I searched everywhere in the surrounding trees, and wild plant life which grew up around our house, and a long time later, I think it must have been an hour and a half or more, I finally found you playing joyfully in a hollow beneath a moss covered fallen tree where there was mud, and tadpoles. You were covered in mud from head to toe and the only reason I'd found you was because you were laughing. When I walked up with you in my arms, Sarah's relief was so complete that in her pleasure at having you returned, she kissed me. It was just a kiss of gratitude, but I hadn't been touched by the lips of any woman since Bella's Mom had left me.

"If you look in that photo you'll see your Mom's captivating brown eyes. Well, she didn't even notice what she'd done. She was just relieved, but I was struck by her presence anytime she came over from then on. Sarah realized quickly what had happened to my feelings. She still came by to visit me, unless Billy was at a meeting, in which case she'd remain there waiting for him to come home. I was young brash and stupid Jake. Even if I apologize until the cows come home, it wouldn't be enough." He looked directly into my eyes. I could see sadness tightening the edges of his.

"One night Billy invited me down to one of the LaPush parties, I went, naturally. We ate by the fire, and laughed, and had a great time,and through it all, I kept watching her. When she began taking things inside to clean, I followed her into the kitchen. I helped her clean things up, and we talked and continued to laugh. We were talking about the last time Bella had visited, and I was telling her the story of Bella's first cooking lesson with me. She was laughing beautifully, and so hard her eyes were streaming tears. She reached up and put a hand out to my shoulder and asked me to stop, "Charlie, my side will split if you don't stop." she said to me. She looked up at me then as she regained her composure, taking deep hitching breaths, and her face looked so bright, shining with all the laughter." Charlie looked away from my face for the first time since he'd started. "She looked at me for a moment too long Jake, it undid me I guess. I leaned forward and kissed her. If she'd had any doubts about how I felt towards her, I ended them quickly."

"I don't have any wish to damage your memory of your Mom Jake, but she was a woman. She didn't respond in kind to the kiss, but she didn't push me away either. It was all the encouragement I needed I guess. I'm sorry to admit it, Jake. You have no idea how sorry." he took another breath. "The smart thing for me would have been to walk out of there right then and never allow us to cross paths again. I wasn't smart about it. We started meeting secretly."

My breathing sped up, anger growing in me, I could feel myself vibrating. "So, it wasn't just a one time thing, you kept seeing my Mom?" I was completely furious.

"Yes Jake, I kept it going. But whether you'd like to believe it or not, it was a pretty innocent thing. Mostly just stolen kisses behind closed doors and in secret places. Eventually she couldn't stand it anymore. She wanted me to stop, to let her be herself, and she wanted to forget it had ever begun. I was crushed. I admit I wasn't very strong then. I'd never really dealt with what had happened with Renee, and the idea of losing Sarah too, frightened me beyond reason. I wrote her a letter no one should ever give to anyone. Full of heartbreak, anguish and pain, trying to make sure she understood how desparate I was. She wrote me the letter you hold there in your hand in response. When I realized she really meant to go, the guilt belatedly overwhelmed me. While she waited for me at the Treaty line, I went to Billy and admitted everything to him. I convinced him to be angry at me later, but to go after Sarah right away. He agreed, and drove off in a car he had, figuring it would be faster than his truck. When Sarah saw Billy's car instead of my cruiser, she jumped into her car and tried to drive off. Apparently she wasn't ready yet to be confronted, she sped off with Billy in pursuit. Your Dad said at some point he tried to carefully run her off the road to stop her, which didn't work. It caused him to slip into a ravine though, and the car crashed at a high speed. As near as we were able to determine, when Sarah realized what had happened to Billy, she tried to turn the car around too fast, it rolled forward toward the direction she'd been going which was directly towards the cliffs. We didn't find them for quite awhile, and it hurts my heart to admit that by the time we did, your Dad was destined for the wheelchair you find him in today, and your Mom,...Sarah was...dead." He whispered the last word,

"I stayed by your Dad through his whole rehabilitation, determined to make it up to him somehow. I felt I had to find something which would make your Dad happy again. That was in spring, that summer was one of the summer's Bella came to stay. We were down at your Dad's house, and you and Bella were playing together. The smile Billy had when he watched you two playing together was the first thing I can remember seeing that gave me hope for the future."

Charlie had been looking out the kitchen window and now turned back to me. "I know it's an ugly truth to learn Jacob, and you've no idea how much I wish it weren't true. Unfortunately she was the only other woman who ever got my attention after Renee."

"Does Bella know about this?" I asked, certain that she probably did.

"No, and I'd prefer to keep it from her."

I nodded my head. "For her alone, is reason enough."

I laid the letter and photos on the table and stood up. I looked at Charlie and he looked back at me, such sadness in his face.

I could still feel myself vibrating a little, but I forced myself to talk, "My Dad forgave you." it wasn't a question.

Charlie nodded his head, he kept looking me in the face, and he stood as well, determined I think to face whatever the consequences of his actions would be. I thought of my Mom, and of everything I'd been told. Charlie's betrayal, my Mom's.

Then I thought of the situation between Edward and me; and the things that had happened so long ago, before Nessie had come along and become the center of my world. I remembered the stolen kisses I'd forced on Bella; knowing she didn't return my feelings, but wanting to believe the recognition she gave me, and the brotherly love she had for me would be enough. I hated thinking about that time, because when I looked at it now, it was Nessie's Mom.

I couldn't be angry at Charlie, it wouldn't be fair. While my Dad had lost his wife and his love that night, Charlie had lost the two women who'd touched him. As a man in similar circumstances, I couldn't fault him. But I was still angry. I was mad that such stupid things had led to me losing my Mom, and all the moments which might have happened but didn't because of what had happened.

Charlie had stood silently, watching my face and shifting his eyes to my body as my edges blurred. He looked resigned, determined and just a little bit scared. He looked into my eyes again, "Can you forgive me Jacob?"

I shook violently then and knew I wasn't going to have time to say too much, "Yes, but I don't think I can forget Charlie." I turned, changing before I'd completed it, and ran for the door. Charlie ran up beside me in a moment and we looked at each other, human eyes to wolf eyes. He pulled the door open, and I ran out and off into the trees. I looked back just once before the trees blocked Charlie from my view. He had started looking so small when I'd begun changing a couple of years ago. When I looked back then though, he stood in the doorway, shoulder's slumped, eyes looking to the ground and his fingers pushing through his hair, he looked tiny. Insignificant. It bothered me, and I shot off deeper into the forest.

I ran for a long time, I don't know exactly how long, but when I couldn't stand being away any longer I returned to the Cullen's. I walked in the door and straight up to Rosalie. She had Nessie on her lap, I reached for her, Rose didn't argue which was good in the mood I was in. Nessie reached up and frowned at me. She laid her hand on my cheek as I pulled her into my arms, and the visions she showed me told me she was upset with me for being gone so long. I hugged her to me and turned to walk out on the porch. I sat on the step with Nessie wrapped around my shoulders in a hug, and sighed. Bella walked out just then, closing the door behind her. "Jake, are you okay?" I turned and looked into her golden eyes, and remembered how they had once been beautifully brown, just like my Mom's. I remembered how looking into those eyes had felt, and felt the sadness for the millionth time that Bella had been changed.

I knew then that even if I hadn't told Charlie I'd keep it from Bella, I'd never be able to tell her about it. It was between me and Charlie. "I'm fine Bells, it's just been a long day." and I leaned my head against Nessie's head and closed my eyes.