I'm A Stalker
While the dwarves are in Mirkwood, they get attacked by giant spiders. The elves rescue them. Kili is currently being attacked by a spider who is trying to bite his foot off. Tauriel comes to rescue him. He sees a second spider coming.
"Quick, throw me a dagger!" He looks over at Tauriel. He looks back at the spider. He does a double take. "Hey, good lookin' what's cookin'?"
Tauriel stabs the spider and looks at Kili. "What?"
She kills a second spider and they stare at each other awkwardly.
"Awkward." Kili says.
Later that day…
Thorin decided to accept Thranduil's offer and he plans to backstab him later. So the dwarves all went home. Kili pulls out his smartphone to check his e-mail.
"Hey! I got something from Christian Mingle!"
Fili looks over his shoulder. "Oh?"
"Yeah, it says they found a match for me!" Kili scrolls through the e-mail. "Hey, it says her name's Tauriel. She's an elf. Cool!"
"Where are you meeting?"
"Uh…some restaurant."
"Oh."
Kili closes the e-mail and pulls up Google.
"What are you doing?" Fili asks.
Kili types in Tauriel's name.
"Kili, what are you doing?"
Kili laughs evilly. "Woah!"
Fili walks away. "Thorin!" Kili continues to pull up information on Tauriel.
At the date…
Kili is sitting at a table. Tauriel walks in cautiously, trying to figure out who it is. "Oh no! Not you again!"
Kili looks up. "Sup, babe."
"OMG! I'm leaving."
"No, wait, c'mon. I'm paying for dinner."
"Fine." She sits down.
"It's kinda hot in here, don't you think?" He takes off his jacket. "Can I take your sweater?"
"Uh…no thanks, I'm not hot."
"Oh yes you are." He says with a twinkle in his eye.
Waiter enters.
"Oh, hello! May I take your order? Our special today is Frog Soup with special beans from the organic garden. It's half off." He hands them menus. "And we also have—"
"Okay, okay, we're ready to order."
"I'm not." Tauriel says, looking at him.
"Uh…yes you are." He looks at the waiter. "I will have a double cheesy burrito with jalapenos. And some water. She will have…" He looks at the menu. "The double frappucino, extra chocolate, vanilla bean latté, two shots of espresso, half a shot of nutmeg, caramel cream, whipped cream…and a cherry. And to eat…she'll have the…uh…chef's salad."
Tauriel stares at him.
Waiter leaves.
"So, how's your mom?" Kili asks.
"What?" She asks.
"Yeah, I heard she fell down the stairs and broke her hip."
"How did you know that?"
He grabs a pen from his shirt pocket and writes on a napkin. He puts the pen away and holds the napkin up next to his face.
Tauriel reads it. "I'm a stalker?"
Kili smiles and winks.
"Freaky." She says quietly.
Awkward silence follows.
"So…what's your favorite kind of flower?" Kili asks, putting the napkin down.
"Tiger lily."
"No it's not. It's a rose. It matches your eyes."
"My eyes are brown." [Just pretend her eyes aren't green] "If my eyes were red, they would be bloodshot."
"Well, brown is pretty, too. It's the color of….uh….um….dirt."
Tauriel rolls her eyes. More awkward silence.
"So…when do you wanna marry me? I hear June's pretty nice."
"WHAT?!"
"Okay, we don't have to do June. We can plan it for December."
Waiter comes back with their food. He sees the napkin and stares at it.
"What?" Kili asks, then sees the napkin. "Oh!" He flips it over.
The waiter gives them the food and leaves.
"By the way, how did you know that was my favorite drink?"
Kili holds up the napkin.
"Oh." They eat in silence. Awkwardly.
They finish eating and sit there and waits for dessert. Kili grabs the napkin and flips it over to the blank side. He writes something on it and slides it over to Tauriel.
She reads it. It says, "My place?" She looks up, takes a pen, and writes on it.
Kili gets excited. He reads it. 'No!'
The waiter comes. "May I get you some dessert?"
"Yeah, I will have the double chocolate fudge brownie cheesecake. And she will have…a cup of vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup and strawberries."
Waiter leaves.
"How did you know I liked strawberries?"
He picks up the napkin.
"Wait wait wait…I got it. 'Cause you're a stalker."
Kili nods and puts the sign down. Silence. "So this one time…." He launches into a gory story. "My brother and I were out hunting orcs…"
Ten minutes later…
"And that was the bloodiest day of my life." Kili finishes. The waiter sets the desserts in front of them.
"Oh, thank you." Kili says. He pays the bill.
Tauriel looks down at her ice cream and pushes it away. Kili digs into his dessert. He finishes really fast.
"You gonna eat that?" He asks with his mouth full.
"No."
"Can I have it?"
She shoves it across the table. Kili snarfs it down. "Thanks." Nobody says anything. Kili finishes.
"Will that be all?" The waiter asks.
"Uh…" He looks at Tauriel.
"Yes." She says.
"No, we'll have another round." Kili says.
"No, we're leaving." Tauriel says.
"Oh, we're leaving." He wiggles his eyebrows.
"Uh…I'm leaving." She says.
"Dang it." He snaps his fingers.
"Fine. Well, at least let me walk you to your horse."
They go outside. "Where is it?"
"Oh, he's right here." Tauriel says, mounting her horse.
"What is that?" He shouts.
"Uh…a horse."
"You should check out mine." He walks over to his horse. "Sleek, black, second age, 35 horsepower stallion."
"Oh, okay."
"You wanna ride?" He asks.
"Uh…no—"
"Get on!" He takes her off her horse and puts her on his. He gets on in front. He rides back to his house.
He thinks. Wait 'till Fili sees this.
He rides past Fili. Fili has his girlfriend sitting on the front porch with him. Kili's eyes bug out of their sockets.
"Hey, bro. We were just leaving to go to the movies." Fili says.
"Wait, I wanna come." Kili says, staring at Fili's girlfriend.
"Wait, what about me?" Tauriel asks.
"Oh yeah, you. You can go home now."
He turns to leave, then turns back around. "Oh yeah, and I'll be needing my horse."
"What?" Tauriel asks, shocked.
"Yeah. You know, you're an elf you can travel for days. Besides, looks like you can use a workout."
"Excuse me?"
"Hey, the truth hurts."
Tauriel walks away angrily.
"All right. Let's go Fili…" He turns around. "Fili?" Fili's gone. "Dang it, they left without me!"
The End.
Well, we hope you all enjoyed reading about Kili's sick mind. And, as always, reviews are appreciated. Until next time!
Kili and Fili
Fili and Kili's song of the week:
Gone
Artist: Switchfoot