Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or the song "Nothing Better" by The Postal Service (although I love both).
A/N: The song Nothing Better, if you've never heard it before, is sung by a man and a woman to each other. I switched the points of view between Lily and Severus (although it is all done in the third person) as the points of view switch in the song; I marked the changes with dashes (--). Hope it's clear.
Say Goodbye
Will someone please call a surgeon
Who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart
That you're deserting
For better company?
Severus put his head in his hands. After making the biggest mistake of his life, he had run up to the castle, flying past corridor after corridor until he found himself on the seventh floor, desperately seeking refuge in an empty classroom, opening the first door and throwing himself in the room. In the solitude of the Room of Requirement, he curled into a ball and sobbed.
He had been in love with her since the moment he laid eyes on her, although it wasn't until Hogwarts that he realized it. But he had been a fool. The pressure of being in Slytherin had become too much. He was tired of being picked on by his housemates, being accused of having Muggle sympathies, as though it was the worst offense he could have committed. He never cared that Lily was a Muggleborn; he loved her all the same. But somehow, in one moment of blind rage at Potter, he ruined his oldest friendship and his one shot at happiness.
The memory replayed in his mind over and over. The whole day, at first, then just that one moment whirled around in his brain until he couldn't take it anymore. That one word, that one blasted word. Mudblood.
"Lily, I'm sorry…" He whispered, praying that somehow she would hear him. He had pushed her away.
I can't accept that it's over
And I will block the door like a goalie tending the net
In the third quarter
Of a tied game rivalry
"Please, Lily!"
"Severus, I'm just a Mudblood to you. Don't talk to me about when we were friends. I don't know if we ever were."
"Lily, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it! I never meant to hurt you."
"Then why did you say it? When I was trying to help you!"
"It just slipped out… I just didn't want you to think that… that I couldn't handle Potter on my own."
"Oh, really? Well, you have a funny way of showing it." She shot him a cold look and turned to leave before he grabbed her wrist.
"Please, Lily… can't we go back to the way things used to be?"
She whirled around and tried to jerk her wrist from his grasp. "The way things used to be? When you hid your friendship to me from your stupid little Slytherin friends so you could fit in? I don't think so, Severus. Just let me go. We're not friends anymore."
The words cut through him like a knife, but he still held her wrist firmly. "I can't let you go. I won't let you go." He insisted, although his eyes were pleading and desperate.
"I have to get back." She responded frigidly.
"Back to what? Back to the Gryffindor common room? Back to Potter?" He spat out the word as though he couldn't think of anything more despicable.
"No! But if you want to know the truth, I'd rather be with Potter than you." And with that, she twisted her arm free and stormed out of the classroom, slamming the door behind her.
So just say how to make it right
And I swear I'll do my best to comply
"Lily?" Severus asked timidly. Their last encounter had ended on bad terms, but he could not be deterred. He refused to give up on her friendship, on his love.
"Leave me alone, Severus." Lily had been rather surprised that he'd tried to talk to her again, but coldly pushed him aside as she made her way back up to the castle from her short visit to Hagrid's.
"Lily, I'll do anything."
"You can't turn back time."
"If I could?" He asked hopefully. He'd overheard that one of the Slytherin students in fourth year was using a Time-Turner to get to all their classes.
"It wouldn't really change anything, would it? It wouldn't change how you think about me."
"Lily, I swear that's not what I think! It was a mistake!"
"Could you say that in front of all your Slytherin friends?"
He hesitated for a split second before responding. "I would. I would do anything." Although what he meant to say was that he would try his best to do anything…
"That's not true, is it?" Her beautiful green eyes pierced his soul and he knew she was right. He was too weak to stand up for himself, to stand up for Lily. He was even to weak to face her and tell her the truth. Lily and her beautiful eyes and her words and the reality that sunk in as a result became too much for him to handle and he did the only thing that came to mind. After what must have been millennia of having her strip his soul bare until only the weak, cowardly fool that had called Lily a Mudblood in the first place remained. All he could do was stare back until he finally turned away, and began to run. It didn't matter where to.
Tell me am I right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together?
Obviously, Severus' tactics were getting him nowhere. If anything, they seemed to be pushing Lily right into Potter's open arms. In the last week, she hadn't yelled at him once. They almost seemed like… friends. Well, more like acquaintances, but Severus still could not help but despair. The one thing he had tried for so long to prevent…
He frowned. In the past, he'd dreamed of making Lily his, marrying her, having children in a nice house far away. Now he simply dreamed of being her friend again. He'd settle for acquaintance- even if it meant being on the same foot as Potter.
He just didn't understand anymore. Only months ago, he could have sworn Lily felt the same thing… Or at least something close…
--
I feel I must interject here
You're getting carried away feeling sorry for yourself
With these revisions and gaps in history
Lily was confused. How could her oldest friend turn on her like that? How could he call her a Mudblood? He had lived his entire pre-Hogwarts life in Surrey just as she had! How dare he call her blood dirty when Muggle blood was running in his veins? She let out a sigh. There was no point in such thoughts. They only got in the way of grieving the loss of her childhood friendship.
After hours of lying awake in bed with her thoughts, she wondered if… if it would be so bad to just forgive him. After all, he was her oldest friend… and he did seem incredibly sorry he'd said it…
"No." Lily whispered. Every time he approached her, it was as though he didn't even remember what had happened! He'd called her a Mudblood! In that one word, he'd changed everything. In that one word, he'd proved that he couldn't get past the prejudice that his so-called friends tried to brainwash him with. How could she forgive him when she knew what he really thought about her. No, he probably didn't think of her as just a Mudblood, she knew that, but he thought of her and her friendship as something he had to hide… something to be ashamed of.
She refused to just forgive him because she felt bad for him. And she did, she didn't deny that- her best friend was visibly suffering- but how could he see himself as the victim here? No… this was the way it had to be…
So let me help you remember
I've made charts and graphs that should finally make it clear
I've prepared a lecture on why I have to leave
"Severus… I can't just forget what you said. We just… can't stay this way. I'll always be grateful for your friendship in the past but… how could we stay friends like this?" Lily paused and bit her lip before continuing. "You have your own friends and I have mine… With the way the world it is now… how could it work out? A Gryffindor Muggleborn, I'll always be the target of Slytherin animosity. I… I don't want you to suffer because of that."
Sighing, Lily looked away from the mirror. That was probably enough practice for the day. She was so tempted to just forgive him. She missed him. But she knew this was the right thing to do. She knew he worked hard to be a part of something, to be accepted. She wouldn't let him sacrifice his own reputation because of her, even if she thought it was wrong.
So please back away and let me go
Severus approached her once again. It was in some empty classroom, where no one could see them, once again. She could have laughed. If he was so bent on doing anything for her friendship, why wouldn't he ever admit it in front of anyone else?
"What will it take for you to forgive me, Lily?"
She shook her head gently and recited her speech. It went smoothly. "You have to let me go, Severus. We can't be friends anymore."
--
I can't, my darling, I love you so
"Lily! I… care about you too much…" As an afterthought, he hesitantly added, "as a friend…"
"I care about you, too, Severus. That's why this is the only way."
Tell me am I right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together?
"No! It's not! We were supposed to grow up together… we were supposed to be lifelong… friends." He chose his words carefully, sure not to reveal his true feelings. He could only go one step at a time, after all.
--
Don't you feed me lies about some idealistic future
Your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures
"It doesn't work that way. Life doesn't work that way." He looked at her hopelessly as unshed tears glimmered in her emerald eyes. "I would have loved to be your friend even as adults, but look at the way the world is! With You-Know-Who on the rise, we'll just end up on opposite sides of a brutal struggle. It's best this way, Severus. It's best for you this way. All I want is for you to be happy." He didn't know how hard this was for her, but she did really only want for him to heal.
--
I admit that I have made mistakes
And I swear I'll never wrong you again
He shook his head vehemently. This wasn't how it was supposed to go! "I'm sorry for everything I've done. I'm so sorry. But I'll never do it again! I could tell the whole Slytherin common room that we're best friends!"
She gave a sad, tired, almost bitter laugh. "It's late for that, Severus. The truth is, the way things are going, we would never have been able to stay friends anyway."
"Please, Lily…" He begged softly.
--
You've got allure I can't deny
But you had your chance so say goodbye
"You were my first best friend. So thank you. And you really are a good person, Severus. I know that. But it can't work out. We're too different."
"No! Lily, I'm sorry!"
She nodded with a regretful, wistful smile. "I'm sorry too. Goodbye, Severus."
Say goodbye
--
Snape looked into those green eyes for what he knew would be the last time. He held his wand to his head, glad that he will have finally redeemed himself in Lily's son's eyes. He removed his precious memories from his mind. "For her sake. All for her." He said, although he realized probably not aloud. He was dying and it was rather hard to do anything but concentrate on his last task. Harry seemed confused. He commanded the boy to look at him. It had been his last wish to stare into those eyes as he left this world. Finally he could say the words that he'd been unable to say when he was sixteen. The words he needed to say, now more than ever.
"Goodbye." Once again, he wasn't sure if he had even said it. But as he felt his soul leave his body behind, he could have sworn he saw in front of him an image that he'd never expected to see directed at him again, an image he'd longed to see for nearly twenty years, an image he could have never forgotten.
Lily's beautiful smile.
-End-
Please review if you enjoyed it! Or even if you didn't!