I do not own Fox's Sleepy Hollow.
But season two is on its way, baby!
ICHABOD CRANE: User Guide and Manual
Congratulations! You have just purchased your very own ICHABOD CRANE unit. In order to ensure a happy apocalyptic future with your unit, we have taken the time to create this user-friendly manual.
Technical Specifications:
Name: Ichabod Crane
Nicknames: Crane, Ichie, The First Witness, That Beautiful Brit
Age: presents as a 31 year old man; tack on an extra 250 years for beauty sleep (ahh, so that's what did it!)
Place of Manufacture: England and Colonial America
Height: 6 ft 1 in
Weight: unknown; probably less without his head but let's just agree not to find out, shall we?
Included Accessories:
(1) set of genuine, well-worn American Colonial attire
(1) antique Bible purportedly belonging to a George Washington (meh, never heard of him) complete with amazing illustrations and cleverly hidden clues for your most discerning of Witnesses
Programming:
Well-Mannered Gentleman: Your ICHABOD unit is a born and bred gentleman of the highest caliber. He behaves most respectfully even in the most apocalyptical of situations. Snide comments, dry wit, hilarious facial expressions, and other super fun behaviors all remain thinly veiled behind the guise of a perfect (ly formed) British gentleman. He also will attempt to trump insanity and violence cards with reason and sense countermeasures. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Keep your 'reloadable' gun handy at all times. Just in case.
Occult Information Guru: By necessity, your ICHABOD unit is well-versed in the occult as it apparently played a huge part in the Revolutionary World (slept through that in history class, I guess). He also is a master researcher, often utilizing ancient texts to discover the next step of what (with a little luck) will prove to be a long and interesting series, ahem, sorry, war against the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse and their horned, inexplicably near naked demon Pee-Wee coach, MOLACH unit.
Little Kid at Christmas: Many modern day conveniences, such as automatic car windows (which my cheap car does not have harhar) and electronic appliances are being experienced by your ICHABOD unit for the very first time. Even though his interest and repetitive play can be very annoying, please practice some patience with him and enjoy the whimsy of his wonder. And set up some parental controls on the computer, would you please?
Righteous Indignation: Your ICHABOD unit is very easily aggravated by the modern world and will gleefully rant about any and all number of grievances he experiences at the hands of the dreadful modern age. Instead of trying to stem the flow of his beautifully, hilariously, phrased verbal explosions, just grab some popcorn, kick back, and watch him go.
Useful Talents/Abilities:
Dedicated Accountant: Due to oversleeping for several centuries, your ICHABOD unit is unfamiliar with the economic travesty to which you are quite numb. As such, he will exhibit outrage at every monetary transaction to which he is exposed. Be sure to keep some Valium or donut holes on hand so that he may survive such injustices that must be faced every day.
Colonial Connoisseur: Hailing straight outta Colonial times (completely unlike Compton), your ICHABOD unit is a first rate expert on all things Colonial. From food to Paul Revere's actual words, he will correct any and all discrepancies regarding this most important of historical eras. Be prepared to take copious, copious, notes.
Superb Recall: Comparable to Dr. Sheldon Cooper, your ICHABOD unit has a photographic/eidetic memory that rivals both the history books and the internet. He will bestow loads of important details to you and anyone else he feels may benefit from such wealthy stores of information. Just let him talk, yeah? It's not like you can stop him anyway.
Linguistic Comprehension: A former Oxford history professor, your ICHABOD unit exhibits fluency in several English dialects, German, and Greek languages. This talent for patois will come in handy on many occasions when deciphering important information as well as serving as interpreter for ailing, time-traveling mystery children.
Smoking Perception: Not only is your ICHABOD unit a smokin' Colonial hottie, he is also sensitive to the needs and musings of those around him. An ABBY MILLS unit, though independent and emotionally closed-off, will benefit greatly from his continuous care and presence. Don't hold your breath for a romantic interlude between these two as she holds herself to her own set of strict principals and he is still technically married to a lovely, witch wife currently on sabbatical in Purgatory.
Removing Your Unit from Packaging:
Please take care in removing your ICHABOD unit from its packaging as if you don't provide him with some assuring context, he will most certainly run pell-mell around your wooded suburb and almost get hit by your local Coca-Cola vendor in a Mack truck.
As soon as he exits his packaging, converse with your ICHABOD unit regarding a suitable cover story so that he will not confound the bejeebers out of everyone around him. Failure to complete this necessary step in the assimilation process will result in him being incarcerated by your nosey-Nettie next door neighbor.
Compatibility with Other Units:
ABBY MILLS unit: Though initially alienating her with several jaw dropping observations and inquiries upon first meeting her, your ICHABOD unit endears himself to this unit rather quickly and she to him. This unit serves as his guide through the strangely, often offensively modern world of the 21st century. This unit frequently pulls no punches for your ICHABOD unit though on occasion must restrain herself from throwing punches at your ICHABOD unit out of pure frustration. Plus, she really not that much of a maternal chick unless you count a gun-toting, quip-quoting bad butt to be achingly maternal. Which come to think of it, sounds pretty awesome.
MOLOCK unit: Also known as the God Demon of Child Sacrifice, this unit exhibits more ambition than your typical blurred out, pasty, evil-spawn-of-Satan. Booked up for foreseeable future, you'll have to take a number and wait in line to pitch your next greatest apocalyptic event at his Purgatory office as he has a full itinerary of mayhem to attend to. Several organized playdates include chasing teenage girls through the woods, raising cranially challenged Horsemen, providing permanent cosmetic surgery enhancements to law enforcement officials, and getting himself a big shout out from John Milton in the light-hearted romp through the depths of Paradise Lost. Rumor has it, he's planning a big party at his place if only your pesky ICHABOD unit would stop bumming out all his plans.
JEREMY unit: Also known as War, the second Horseman of Death, this unit is a manipulative, unsavory character who cloaks himself under the guise of a reluctant Sin-Eater. In the past, he has also been protected from suspected harm by a golem of the non-Sméagol variety created from his fear, anger, and a homemade doll. As he handed his mother over to the Horseman of Death and buried his father, your ICHABOD unit, alive, family reunions promise to be exceedingly awkward for the Crane family this year. None of this should be really surprising as he bares a striking resemblance to a certain jerk steward from Lord of the Rings. And echoes of Pearl Jam follow him everywhere he goes.
KATRINIA unit: A Quaker involved with good witchcraft, this unit was a member of a coven with a panache for apocalypse prevention and resurrection spell casting. She also used her talents to work as a civilian nurse for Washington's army. The mother of War, the second Horseman of the Apocalypse, this unit is now facing eternal marital unbliss to the Horseman of Death. As this unit was the colonial wife of your ICHABOD unit, he carries a flame for her. No, really, he's out there with torch looking for her. Put down this manual immediately and go help him!
GEORGE WASHINGTON unit: Your ICHABOD unit once worked as a spy and warrior for the first president of the United States in a battle not only for the freedom of these United States but for the souls of the entire Earth. Not really as prim and proper as his solemn portraits, this Founding Father apparently was a butting-kicking apocalypse-stopping bad boy. Though the wig was still goofy.
ZOMBIE GEORGE WASHINGTON unit: Temporarily resurrected for one final Crayola playtime (and to find his darn wooden teeth again), this unit leaves a surprisingly accurate map of the afterlife theme park for your ICHABOD unit to follow in an attempt to stop the oncoming apocalypse. With that kind of forward thinking, strategy, and planning, it's a wonder the United States hasn't found the lost planet of Galifrey already, right?
CAPTAIN IRVING unit: This unit is a continuous oxymoron (not to be confused with an ox and a moron) as he is both suspicious of everything your ICHABOD unit says and also takes everything he says into consideration. Dry wit and a carefully honed sense of aplomb aid this unit in dealing with all the brown matter that seems to hit the fan of this 'sleepy' little town that has now become a hotbed of crazy since the rise of the apocalyptic tourist industry. Take caution when attacking his four wheeled teenaged daughter unit though as it is sure to make him bat-crap crazy.
JENNY MILLS unit: A sister to an ABBY MILLS unit, this female is wilder than a box of frogs though only half as mad. Prone to violence and demon possession, this unit exhibits surprising resiliency in stressful apocalyptic situations. Quick with a dry joke and a cutting retort, this unit is an excellent cohort when tracking demons and verbally going toe-to-toe with a CAPTAIN IRVING unit. Putting the two MILLS units together will undoubtedly cause emotional cyclones, but their sisterly love for each other along with occasional outside party interventions will help them stick together through the toughest of situations.
ABRAHAM VAN BRUNT/HEADLESS HORSEMAN unit: Former good friend of your ICHABOD unit and former fiancé of a KATRINIA unit, this dude has clearly strayed from the path of righteousness and upstanding citizenry. Jealousy is definitely a green-eyed monster here as it caused him to offer up his soul to the aforementioned MOLACH unit after being mortally run through by a Hessian shrimp skewer. As consolation for becoming an immortal demon and one fugly dude, a KATRINIA unit was promised to him at the apocalypse commencement party. Providing a good dose of horsey Visine for his red-eyed white stallion and a hefty dose of Prozac for the man himself may start him back on the straight and narrow path along some counseling with his once good friend unit ICHABOD. But we rather doubt it.
AUGUST CORBIN unit: Though headless and consequently deceased at the awakening of your ICHABOD unit, this unit's extensive notes and auditory recordings on occult activities in your fair Sleepy Hollow community provide clues and directions for your Witnesses and their elusive mission of stopping the end of the world. Though having never met, your AUGUST CORBIN unit no doubt exudes an auditory balm for your ears completely unlike the Mr. Krabs/Shawshank Redemption vibe that he can project when he so chooses.
Cleaning and Maintenance:
Your ICHABOD unit is most capable of cleaning himself (oh stop crying for goodness sake) but here are a few tips to add to the fun.
-Label all usable items with simply worded sticky notes.
-Place adhesive ducks on the bottom of the tub so that he will not fall and hurt himself when the "magic rain" comes out of the showerhead.
-Do not attempt to instruct him on the benefits of using a loofah.* It will drive you both nuts.
-Do not cry when he removes his gorgeous brown mane to reveal a much more modern, shorn hairstyle.**
-Do not nick his comfy trousers and replace them with skinny jeans. He will not enjoy attempting to wear the "Devil's Trousers" as they most likely will squish his kibbles 'n bits into jelly.
*This particular setback is not due to his Colonial upbringing. He's a dude. Dudes don't really do loofahs. And those that do usually lie about it.
**Everyone must lose their innocence sometime. Just go sob into your Sleepy Hollow pillow and eat some ice cream 'til you feel better.
Feeding:
Although modern day food portions are appalling to him and the impenetrable barriers of plastic frustrating to no end, your ICHABOD unit will eventually partake of whatever form of consumption you provide to him. Just for goodness sake, don't let him see the receipt.
Rest:
As your ICHABOD unit has lived the life of a colonial military man, he has grown accustomed to roughing it in the woods. During times of peace and prosperity, he has enjoyed the life of a fine gentleman by no doubt reclining in feather beds with his dearest KATRINIA unit. So he can pretty much sleep anywhere. Just don't set the alarm clock to play 'Sympathy for the Devil'. It's a little foreboding and disconcerting.
Frequently Asked Questions and Troubleshooting:
Q: Every time my ICHABOD unit opens his mouth and speaks (or looks in my general direction, or breathes), I babble nonsense and drool all over myself. This is rather embarrassing even if he is too much of a gentleman to mention it. What do I do?
A: You are experiencing a common psychological reaction generally referred to as "The Massive Hottie Stroke-Out." There is really no cure for it besides removing yourself from the presence of your ICHABOD unit and why on earth would you want to do a thing like that?
Q: My ICHABOD unit that resembles that guy from Edward Scissorhands and keeps fainting every five seconds. What should I do?
A: By mistake, you have received a Sleepy Hollow movie ICHABOD unit circa 1999. While this unit also has its own interesting capabilities and quirks, if you do not wish to keep it, please return it to Amazon for a full refund or exchange. We apologize for the inconvenience.
Q: Listening to my ICHABOD unit reminisce fondly of the good ole Colonial days makes me wish I could live there. But my TARDIS is broken and so I must remain in modern day for the time being. Any words of encouragement?
A: Just three. 'No Colonial Tampax.' See? Yearning solved.
Q: My ICHABOD unit has been ranting about the ridiculous levy applied to baked goods for hours. How can I make him stop?
A: Give him a bag of donut holes. He'll still be annoyed but a little quieter as it is much harder to talk through a mouthful of glorious sugary heaven.
Q: My college roommate is a psych major and has been snootily suggesting that my ICHABOD unit is exhibiting some malarkey called "objective transference". This is really annoying me. What should I do?
A: Step 1: Lovingly hug your roommate. Step 2: Introduce your roommate to your ABRAHAM VAN BRUNT/HEADLESS HORSEMAN unit. 3. Print and distribute flyers for a new roommate (headless roommates are super gross).
End Notes:
This manual does not include information on exactly how to stop the Four Horseman and their Apocalypse-themed party plans. It is also unknown if the maniacal proceedings can be stopped since the offered texts speak only of "Witnesses" and not "Cease and Desisters", "Butt-kickers", or "Apocalypse Cock-Blockers".
Also, additional addendums may be added in the future due to frequent plot twists, ahem, pardon, revelations regarding your ICHABOD unit's motherboard and circuitry functions.
Dedicated to LouBlue who is a phenomenal fanfiction writer, a devilishly hilarious person, and a most appreciated encouragement to me in my literary endeavors. Estelle Getty forever!
A good bit of loquacious writing here, but that kind of goes along with the show, doesn't it? *winks
Did I leave anything hugely important out? Let me know (kindly, yeah) and I'll fit it.
Pop quiz: Can you find the two Big Bang Theory and Doctor Who Easter eggs in this writing?
Hey you guys! There was a real Ichabod Crane who served in the U.S. Army! (And sorry, dudes, but he was not a pretty guy.) He was a colonel. His mother's name was Abigail Miller. And his son was one of the attending physicians to Lincoln after he was shot!
And there is an Ichabod in the Bible! Way on back in 1 Samuel 14:3. Okay, I found that out on-line, (still counts, yeah?) and my preacher is totally going to get a kick out of that!
Okay, okay. History lesson's over. You may go back to your regularly scheduled fanfiction now. ;)
Interested in more user guides and manuals for other SH characters? PM me, review, psychic brain waves, whatever your preferred mode of communication, yeah?
Coming relatively soon, by reader request, ABBY MILLS: User Guide and Manual.
Thanks to LouBlue, Yemeron, Rebecca, SusanInColorado, aligal528, Luna, Lolo, Ravensara, and my mystery guests for your excellent reviews.
And thanks as well to my mystery guest reviewer, Cupcake. Oh shut up, you must be so cute! :)
Thanks to misshonibee, Jameviva, Ozbert Fangirl, and darkbeyonddeath666 for adding your support to this goofy fic as well.
Everybody appreciates feedback. Leave a review if you like.