Spike/Buffy one shot, all characters (c) Joss Whedon who is not me.
Post Season 7
"Hard to Say" (c) The Used
Dedicated to Peri because all the fanfiction I ever write is eternally dedicated to her.
Hard to Say
It's hard to say that I was wrong
It's hard to say I miss you
Since you've been gone it's not the same
It's hard to say I held my tongue
It's hard to say if only
Since you've been gone I'm not the same
She had smiled a little, looking at the wretched abyss that had once been Sunnydale.
She had smiled on the bus as they drove away into the sunset, something warm and comforting coming over her. The world had ended, and it hadn't been so bad. For the first time in a long time she felt something close to hope, and everyone felt it, lightening and lifting them.
She had smiled and watched the world fly by through the windows of a bus. At some point she put her arms around Dawn and held her until she fell asleep. At some point she sat in the back of the bus and played bullshit with Xander and Willow and Faith. She was smiling, laughing, alive.
She had smiled when she touched Giles gently on the shoulder and told him to go get some sleep while she drove for a while.
But the smile faded when she was alone.
The mask crumbled and fell away when they weren't looking, that dark secret that she held close to her chest. A part of her had died in the wreckage of Sunnydale. It was an easy secret to keep, because it felt so much like the one she'd kept before. She felt as though her smiles kept telling them "Yes, we were in Hell and now we are free."
It didn't matter that a little part of heaven had died with it.
It was easy to say she loved him. Easier knowing that he was about to die and that she would never have to see how hard it could be to actually give herself to him without shame or reservation. Easier to say when it cost her nothing and yet meant everything to him. Easy to say…easier than she'd ever thought it could be.
It had taken her too long to realize that it was true. It had been easy to hate him because then she didn't have to think about how much she hated herself. He was beneath her, a monster, a thing that didn't know what love was. How could he?
And how could she ever feel the same?
Except here she was, quiet and still as she had never been in her life, and there were silent tears working their way down her face and all she could think of was that Spike was really gone and she didn't know what that did to her.
She had thought she'd seen the darkest things the world had to show her. She'd thought that killing Angel was the hardest thing she'd ever have to do.
To live, to love… that was so much harder, so much more painful.
She supposed she had him to thank for that.
At some point after two o'clock when the tears had finally dried she allowed the burning, painful lump in her chest to beat again, and acknowledged its anguish with stoic silence. So she smiled when Kennedy crept up next to her, touching her shoulder and nodding at the wheel.
She made her way into the back and curled up on a seat alone. When morning came, she would smile and tell them where they were going next. She would sit down with Giles and try to figure out their next move.
For now though, she just wanted to remember.
She sat wrapped in the shadows and the quiet breathing of life around her and she remembered the one cold, lifeless body that had given her everything he'd had to give. He had given her his heart, his body, his life, and the damned pieces of his soul.
No, it wasn't so hard to give him words in return.
Especially when they were true.
You're not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love 'til it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other 'til it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. Real love isn't brains, children. It's blood. It's blood screaming inside you to work its will.