DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the characters.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Welcome to the Ultimate Hunger Games! The contestants are as follows: Daryl Dixon from The Walking Dead, Justin Bieber, Slender Man, a Jedi named Bob, a Sith master by the name of Darth Maul, Jason from Friday the 13th, Spongebob, his trusty friend Patrick, the Joker, Bruce Banner AKA The Hulk, Jack Sparrow, and finally, Kenny from South Park.
And there you have it. Who do you think will win? Pick your favorite, and if you're right, you get...well, nothing. But it's fun anyway!
INTRO:
Owls hooted. Crickets chirped. Trees rustled. The moon was full and bright, like a great eye amid the stars. It was a beautiful night, the type when you'd want to go out with your girlfriend and have a midnight picnic, or maybe just stand outside and gaze out at the stars, pondering the universe and its utter amazingness. But I wasn't destined for that. No. On this night, I was stuck with the freaking Boy Scouts.
I hated these turd-nuggets with a passion so deep, my dick couldn't reach the end of it. I often dreamt about unique ways to kill each and every one of them. John, I would enjoy watching him boiled alive. Fred, I would burn his balls off, then drop him into a pit full of alligators. Jimmy…well, I actually liked Jimmy. He was black. But Billy! My God, I would stab him so many times, he-
And that's when Billy opened his freaking mouth.
"I need to pee!" said Billy, in his trademark whiny voice.
"Shut up Billy!" I replied.
"But-"
"-EAT YOUR GODDAMN CHICKEN, Billy!" My God, I thought, that kid has the smallest bladder I'd ever seen. Frankly, it was embarrassing.
As Billy meekly ate his chicken, (That's right you little shit, eat that chicken…mmm) I turned my attention to the rest of my troop.
"Okay, listen up you nipple-suckers! It's time for the campfire story. Does anyone want to tell one?"
Even the crickets stopped making noise. Public speaking strikes again!
"The silence is deafening," I said, "Well, since no one else has a story, I guess you'll all have to suffer through another one of mine."
The kids groaned.
"I meant that as a joke."
They still didn't like it, but frankly, I didn't care what they thought. So I began my story.
"I know you all have read the hunger games in class," I began, "and yes, like you, I thought it was boring as hell. So, it's time to spice it up! Welcome, boys and…boys, to the ULTIMATE HUNGER GAMES!
CHAPTER 1:
In this very forest, a Hunger Games was held in complete secrecy to all but a few. The contestants were as follows: Daryl Dixon from The Walking Dead, Justin Bieber, Slender Man, a Jedi named Bob, a Sith master by the name of Darth Maul, Jason from Friday the 13th, Spongebob, his trusty friend Patrick, the Joker, Bruce Banner AKA The Hulk, Jack Sparrow, and finally, Kenny from South Park.
With a roster like this, you know it's good.
Anyway, back to the forest. Never before had any man stepped foot in these woods. They were silent, save for the movement of small animals in the brush, and the wind rustling in the branches. Indeed, this was truly a peaceful spot.
But that all changed in an instant.
Suddenly, the ground began to shake. In 12 randomly picked spots in the forest, the ground opened up, and a man was thrown onto the ground. The holes quickly closed, and, one by one, the 12 men stood and took stock of their surroundings.
We'll begin our story with Daryl.
Daryl, with his shaggy hair and trusty crossbow, started walking. He was accustomed to the woods. After all, he'd practically been living in them ever since the zombie apocalypse began. But one thing was very different. This time, he was alone.
As Daryl walked through the forest, he wondered to himself, what am I doing here? A few moments ago and I was with my friends, and now I'm here…It's probably that bastard Carl's fault. The little weasel never stayed in the damn house! With Carl in mind, the redneck Daryl wandered the forest.
Suddenly, rustling in the bushes.
Daryl froze, expecting a zombie to pop out. He carefully raised his crossbow and took aim. A shaggy head rose out of the bushes. Daryl's hand closed around the trigger. He was about to fire when-
"WAIT!"
Daryl froze once again. Zombies couldn't talk…could they? The head rose completely out of the bushes. A frightened boy looked up at Daryl with pleading eyes. Wait a second, he thought, that hair…it looks a lot like…Carl. Then, Daryl knew that he could never shoot this boy. He was no cold-blooded killer. He lowered his crossbow.
"Who are you?" said Daryl.
"My name's Justin. Justin Bieber."
"Beaver?"
"No, Bieber. Come on, everybody knows me."
Daryl shook his head. He'd never heard of this kid in his life.
"Do you know what we're doing here?"
"No, do you?"
"Not a clue."
"Well then, I guess we should-"
Suddenly, a booming voice reverberated through the forest through some kind of hidden speaker system.
In its deep voice, the announcer boomed, "Welcome, one and all, to the Ultimate Hunger Games! Twelve contestants from all over space and time have been brought together, for no other reason than my own enjoyment! Your goal: Kill everyone else in the arena. The last man standing will be allowed to live, and will be returned to his own time, unharmed. No lives, no weapons, other than the ones you have on you. But above all, let's just try and have some fun. So, without further ado, let us begin!"
The voice receded, leaving the woods deathly silent once again.
Justin and Daryl just stood there awkwardly for a moment. Then Justin broke the silence.
"So, you going to kill me now?"
Daryl stood silently. Justin started to sweat, almost wetting his pants in fear. That crossbow looks really big and deadly, he thought. He could just point and shoot, and that would be the end of it. I hope he doesn't rape me. That would be mean. But, I admit, I am irresistible, so I wouldn't blame him. I just hope he does it when I'm already dead. All this went through Justin's head in seconds. Then Daryl came to a decision.
He turned and walked away, but not before yelling over his shoulder, "You better not slow me down."
"Is that a no? Is it?"
Daryl said nothing, confirming Justin's response. He excitedly chased after the Daryl as he walked away.
This is great, thought Justin, a few seconds into the games, and already I have an ally! A potentially gay ally that wants to rape me, but an ally none the less!