Your Heart Was a Couch With No Cushions

by teresa

When a challenge is issued to all of the student body, life at Hogwarts becomes completely chaotic as everyone attempts to either come out on top, or at least escape unscathed as potions and hexes run rampant.

Here is a Valentine's Day story of epic proportions, created not for my sweet love in California, but kind of partially credited to him, just because he's not here to distract me and thus make this story impossible to finish. Mostly, this story goes out to jade, who is working hard as we speak to finish my V-Day challenge for her, and has parried with over twenty challenges of her own saying generously to me after all that time spent (not procrastinating, no, this was valuable input) "You can pick one or more, and just go with them." So, because I love her, and I know that in her heart, this is what she wants, I'm going to attempt to meet all of them. The list of challenges will follow the end of the story, so you can appreciate all the effort jade put into giving me something to do. Before we begin, I'll just say that this is canon through the fifth book at least, but really, it's Harry's seventh year and everyone is at Hogwarts, so clearly, there was deviation from the universe J.K. Rowling has created.

With that said, I don't own any of this, so let's not sue me.

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Your Heart Was a Couch With No Cushions

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Draco loved being Head Boy.

In his mind, it gave him the ability to lord his power over every student. Only the Head Girl could hope to match his power, and honestly, since the title belonged to Hermione Granger, the lowly Mudblood, it was clear who ruled over Hogwarts with an iron, yet fabulously manicured, fist.

Because of this power, he could do things that many other students would feel uncomfortable doing. One of those things was sending a house elf to Hogsmeade for a case of Firewhisky and then keeping up all the seventh year Slytherins for a rousing game of "I Never," which he would have been privately horrified to learn that Pansy actually learned two summers ago when she had a torrid but very secret love affair with a Muggle college boy. She never revealed the source of her genius, and he never questioned it, assuming it was just the natural evilly creative temperament most Slytherins prided themselves in.

"I never snuck into the Gryffindor common room to put itching powder on all the furniture." Millicent had clearly been thinking for a very long time, and Draco knew that could be a strain on her. Sadly, she was doing very well at this game, mostly by listing off all of their exploits she had been excluded from, basically because she was not very stealthy.

"You…are cheating." Pansy pouted after almost everyone else in the room slammed back shots. The only exclusion had been Nott, who had not participated in the last few rounds, once he discovered to his silent aggravation that Blaise had finally come up with a revenge for last week's hair potion prank, which had taken its toll in hair, blood, and tears before Zabini had calmed himself, found a nice wig, and come up with the idea he had perpetrated that evening. After Nott had been just toasted enough not to notice the odd taste, Blaise had poured out a shot of what was essentially a liquefied acid pop, and performed a rather ingenious swap just seconds before Nott's next penalty shot. Nott was now nursing a very heavily damaged tongue and a very sour mood. Draco doubted he could speak, even if he wanted to, but of course he was far too proud to just have Madam Pomfrey fix him up. Instead, he glared in utter futility at his completely smug tormenter. Draco wondered if Blaise knew what he was getting himself into. Years ago, he had learned the dangers of a prank war with Nott, and had since treated his classmate with a cautious respect reserved only for people he truly believed might just stab him in his sleep if he looked at them wrong.

"Okay, your turn," Millicent looked positively smarmy as she turned to Goyle. She clearly was enjoying herself, since she rarely excelled at anything, and Draco woozily assured himself he was just letting her win to boost her morale, as one of him many valuable lackeys.

"Um…" this game had so far completely eluded both Crabbe and his beefy counterpart. They had made the same mistake so far on every single one of their turns. Draco just hoped they wouldn't get him involved this time. "I never stole one of the Gryffindor's pajamas." Draco groaned heavily and took his shot before glaring at his henchmen.

"Well, go on, you were the one's who actually got them for me," he gestured impatiently, and after a few moments of confusion, both boys drank as well. "You're supposed to choose things you have actually never done."

"I wish I hadn't done it." Goyle volunteered. "I thought that rat was going to bite me again. It was scary."

"Yeah, you don't know how hard it was, you just stayed back here reading Pansy's copy of Witch Weekly." Crabbe grumbled as Draco felt his face become steadily more flushed.

"I was not reading it, I was just…flipping through!" Draco defended himself weakly.

"Wait…did you steal…Ron Weasley's pajamas?" Blaise broke into a stream of extremely inebriated giggles. "What for? Did you want to wear them, see what it feels like to be poor?"

"No!" Draco felt his face redden further, "I had a devious plot in mind, I know…I just…can't remember it right now. Something about itching powder, maybe."

"You never get sick of that, do you?" Pansy wavered slightly as she turned to look at him. "Get a little more creative, will ya? It's always either itching powder or badges or really flamboyant impressions."

"I think he does wear the pajamas." Blaise continued on his own vein, completely oblivious to everything else. "I think Draco's secretly pining for Weasley."

"That's stupid," Draco threw an empty shot glass at Blaise, and it probably would have hit, since Blaise was a bit to drunk to dodge, but Draco was not a very good thrower at the best of times, and with his impaired motor skills, he only managed to nail Millicent in the head. This was fine, he decided, because it knocked her out cold, and he was sick of her winning, morale or no. "I can think of lots…lots and lots more things than just itching powder and stealing underwear."

"You stole his underwear too?" Pansy shrieked in dismay. "Dear lord, you are in love with Weasley!"

"Told you." Blaise was attempting to pour a shot of Firewhisky, but gave up on the shot glass as impossibly small and just took a great swig from the bottle.

"No wonder they always wrestle." Goyle rubbed his chin in consideration.

"Yeah, he's a total fruit." Blaise laughed and passed the bottle along. Draco angrily took a giant drink and almost choked on it before handing it off to Pansy. "I thought before, maybe he'd end up with Potter, but now it's clear. He's after Weasley."

"I think Granger's already got dibs." Pansy was now giggling as she handed the bottle to Nott, who was still silent, but at least seemed to be enjoying this conversation. "Looks like there's one more subject you'll come in second to her in."

"Don't be stupid." Draco glared at them all blearily. "I think we should issue a challenge. Whoever can come up with the best prank wins."

"Is this just between us?" Blaise asked, "Or are you challenging all of Hogwarts?"

"As if anyone outside of Slytherin could hope to win." Draco huffed. "No, fine, I'll issue it to everyone tomorrow. I dare anyone to challenge my throne."

"What throne?" Pansy asked after a momentary pause.

"The throne of Supreme Plotter in all of Hogwarts." Draco attempted to straighten his spine, but it made him feel a bit nauseous. Maybe he needed more Firewhisky.

"Some throne. You can't even remember your plots." Blaise laughed as the bottle came back around to him and he generously partook of its contents.

"I have so many ingeniously conceived master plans, how can I remember them all?" Draco argued.

"I think…I may be sick." Pansy told them, leaned over, and promptly vomited in Nott's lap. Draco wished he could stay to see what the clearly infuriated Slytherin would do in retaliation, but he didn't want to die, and he was a bit too drunk to believe in his ability to outrun a violent Nott if he was caught enjoying the spectacle.

Another perk of being Head Boy was that he had his own room. Which he could lock.

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Ron loved when they made sausages at breakfast.

His world was a rather simple one, and it relied on only a few things to bring him happiness. Food, his friends, and Quidditch. Also, no homework was pretty good. Unless Hermione let him copy, then it was fine, though it was still a waste of time, when really, he could be doing nothing.

"So Ernie really wants us to help out, because he said that as seventh years, it's our duty to make sure that everything we do at Hogwarts goes well," Hermione was talking about something, probably something that didn't involve Quidditch or food, but almost surely involved some vaguely disguised form of homework. Ron decided to pretend he'd been too busy with the sausages to hear her. Ooh, they had cinnamon buns, too…

"It just seems really weird to me." Harry was listening, which was good, because it meant Ron could just agree with him and probably be safe. He looked a bit peaky, though. Apparently he'd had some horrible dream about Potions last night, but whenever Ron or Hermione asked for details, he went bright red and changed the subject. "I mean, why do a school play? Besides the fact that Hogwarts has never had a drama department, and the fact that we're all busy enough with our class loads and with NEWTs at the end of the year, doesn't anyone else think we should probably be focusing on the impending battle with Voldemort and the Death Eaters? I mean, I'm all for the arts, but I think it's more important to make sure the world isn't conquered by an evil wizard."

"Whatever, we're still young," Ginny interjected, "why should we make Ernie give up his dream of putting on a play on Valentine's Day for the sake of some power hungry Death Eaters? This play could promote a unity and togetherness that could be key in the battle ahead, and if we just quit without giving it a chance, Voldemort's already won."

"What?" even Ron paused his feasting to question his sister's sudden righteous defense of a haphazardly established drama production.

"Ernie's already promised her the female lead." Hermione explained as she took a prim bite of toast.

"What play are you even doing? Not like, Romeo and Juliet or anything like that, is it?" Ron asked, a bit concerned now that he thought it through. To him, it seemed that it was fine for there to be some sort of play, but a play with his sister in the lead on Valentine's Day sounded like a chance for some boy he disapproved of to have official sanctions allowing him to just kiss her in front of everyone, as though she were some cheap floozy. And come to think of it, what had Ginny done to gain a promise of the lead? Suddenly, he felt sure he was going to have to pummel Ernie Macmillan, at the very least for making a mockery of his sister's virtues.

"Well, Ernie spent the summer in Japan, and he said he knows loads about it now, and that he wants to do his own adaptation of The Tale of Genji, which is one of the classic Japanese works." Hermione explained. "I did a bit of research, and it's really quite fascinating. It was written in the Heian era, which dated from—"

"Is there kissing?" Ron chose that moment to speak for two important reasons. One, he needed to know just how hard he'd have to hit Ernie. Two, he didn't want to learn at breakfast, and no matter how many times he tried to gently tell Hermione this, she never seemed to get the point.

"Er, I don't know…I think Ernie's still working on the script." Hermione explained. "But it will be fine, Ron, Ginny's old enough to know the difference between a play and real life."

"Yeah, but is Ron?" Ginny countered as her brother fumed.

"How's he going to get it ready if he doesn't have the script and Valentine's Day is in a week?" Harry asked, scowling slightly.

"You don't have to be mean about it just because you keep having sex dreams about Snape." Ginny huffed in annoyance.

"What…I…I did not." Harry instantly became fascinated with his plate.

Just then, an extremely hung over parade of Slytherin seventh years entered the Great Hall with Draco at their vanguard. This caught Ron's attention because he was deeply devoted to anything that had Malfoy feeling miserable. When they reached their table, there seemed to be a hurried disagreement between Draco, Blaise, and Pansy, before the blonde apparently gave in. Leaning over, he rapped an empty glass with a fork to get everyone's attention.

"Good morning, all of you," Draco looked as though he might be sick, which Ron wouldn't have missed for three trays of sausages. Four, however, would definitely have been too sweet an offer for him to refuse. "As your Head Boy, I have noticed recently a lack of cooperation amongst the student body, and have made it my purpose to resolve the issue. To that end, my compatriots and I issue a challenge to all of you. To whomever dares, we will declare that there shall be a competition for my title of Supreme Plotter in all of Hogwarts. Whoever can pull off the most stunningly devious plot, shall be named worthy of the title. Let the competition begin!"

"Malfoy!" Hermione shot to her feet just as he sat down. "How is a competition like that going to promote unity? It sounds more like a stupid prank war that will only worsen the petty disagreements between us!"

"That's because you have no vision." Draco advised her. "Clearly, we are at our most united when we are all part of the same masterfully plotted scheme of undeniable genius. Now shut up, my head is killing me."

"Can you believe him?" Hermione huffed as she sat back down. "It's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Why doesn't Dumbledore do something?" But even as she spoke, the aged Headmaster rose to his feet.

"Mr. Malfoy makes a good point." He stroked his beard slowly as he addressed the student body. "I will endorse this competition, and possibly construct a crown for the winner, depending on how much spare time I have this week."

"Seriously, I don't mean to sound like a doomsayer," Harry grumbled a few moments later as Ron finally had to part with breakfast so they could all walk to class. "But isn't the war against Voldemort slightly more important than making a crown for some stupid prank war competition that Malfoy just made up so that he'd have an excuse to act more like a bloody nuisance than ever?"

"You know what I think?" Ron spoke up then. "I think we should think of a really brilliant prank, and then we'll take that crown for Gryffindor!"

Hermione sighed, Harry groaned, and Ron wondered when his friends had become so downtrodden.

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Ginny loved when everything went her way.

It didn't bother her that there were currently dozens of pranks that were causing life in Hogwarts to be...slightly more interesting than usual. The frogs filling that had spread from an isolated infestation in the dungeons to turn up in every nook of the school were easily shunted aside or stepped over. A simple Shield Charm was all that was needed to stop yourself from being sprayed in the face with ink every time you entered the library. That tap-dancing plague had only lasted for about three hours before the professors got sick of their students being unable to sit still and finally put a stop to it. As for the Dungbombs, Ginny was a veteran when it came to dealing with those pesky disturbances. And while it was something of a bother trying to deal with the fact that there was currently no running water, she had heard that wasn't even caused by a prank of any sort, but by a major blunder perpetrated by a first year in Charms doing something that not even the combined efforts of the Hogwarts staff had been able to fix so far. But Ginny was sure that would be solved soon. And really, whoever had made those bubbles that would just float around the halls and burst into flame whenever something touched them, they were clearly rather skilled, and might have to seriously consider developing weapons for the Ministry once they graduated.

Really, none of it bothered Ginny, because this year was going to be the year that she would finally get together with Harry Potter. Every Valentine's Day she had hoped, and pined, and wondered if that year, just maybe…well, truthfully, last year she'd been into bad boys and had been secretly snogging Theodore Nott and Blaise Zabini behind each others' backs, something that she wasn't sure they had ever figured out. And to tell the truth, the year before that, she'd been with Michael Corner, who had been nice enough, but a bit too boring in the end. And the year before that she'd clearly been duped by that pretty Beauxbatons boy…okay, so maybe she'd duped him—into thinking she was his age. And the year before that she'd been forced to settle for what's-his-name in Ravenclaw…the one with the dark hair…whatever, like it mattered. But the year before that she'd written Harry a Valentine and everything, and he hadn't even responded. And she'd been devoted, in her own way. That Ravenclaw did look a bit like Harry. Sort of. And she needed to hone her skills in any case if she was going to win over the Boy Who Lived. So really, she'd always been thinking of him.

And now, she had the lead in Ernie's play, which wouldn't really mean much to her, except she was positive that Harry would play opposite her, and there was probably just an obscene amount of kissing, which she didn't mind saying she was rather genius at by this time. It wouldn't be long before she could finally cast aside her days of playing the field to settle down with the one she was sure she could love.

But maybe, just for old time's sake, she'd go find Blaise and give him a good snogging.

"Hey, Hermione." Ginny didn't have time for secret snogs just then. Ernie had asked her to put together her costume ideas for her character so he could get them put together in time for the performance. The library, while also a fine place to snog, was ideal for thinking serenely about which color silks would best compliment each other while showing off the creamy color of her skin, but not clashing with her hair. It was also a great place for gloating over her impending success.

"Oh, hey there," Hermione swiftly rolled up a parchment and shoved it aside in what was clearly meant to be a concealing manner. Ginny quickly snatched it up and prepared to mock yet another homework assignment with little Mrs. Hermione Weasley doodles in the margins, before she actually began to read what she was now being forced to hold out of Hermione's reach as she desperately attempted to get it back.

"'Twelve Ways to Say 'I Love You' Without Getting Caught...' What is this?" Ginny almost squawked in surprise as Hermione finally regained possession of the parchment. "Are you…writing an advice column…for girls?"

"Ginny, please, hush!" Hermione nearly yanked her arm out of the socket pulling the redhead down in the seat next to her. "Okay, I'll tell you, if you promise not to say anything. Especially to Harry or Ron!" she hissed urgently, hunching over her parchment protectively.

"Okay, I swear," Ginny grinned slowly. This had to be good. "What's going on?"

"All right…I wrote that," Hermione admitted with a fair amount of shame in her expression, "but it's better than it sounds! I've been submitting articles to a lot of different papers and publications lately, you know, trying to feel out the market, see where I fit in best. I've decided that I'd really like to be a journalist after I graduate."

"What's that for, Witch Weekly?" Ginny asked incredulously, and laughed so loud at Hermione's sheepish nod that Madam Pince sent a glare at her that would have melted the skin off a lesser witch. "I can't believe you're writing for Witch Weekly!"

"Ginny, please," Hermione clasped her hands together in a pleading gesture. "You can't tell anyone. I'm only checking out that market because…well, it's easy, and it pays really well. This story is going to get me twice what the Prophet paid me for a piece on the educational downturn caused by the second coming of Voldemort. And I'm submitting it under a pseudonym anyway."

"I can't believe you're writing relationship advice." Ginny teased.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Hermione asked, her spine straightening. "I know plenty about relationships."

"Oh yeah?" Ginny quirked an eyebrow. "I think your next piece should be called 'How to Make Sure Your Best Friend Never Notices You Fancy Him.'"

"Okay, thanks, that's very helpful." Hermione rolled her eyes. "How is your drama plan coming? Has Harry agreed to play Genji?"

"Not yet, but he will." Ginny nodded confidently. "You know, you should pull out all the stops, Hermione. It's your seventh year, and it's Valentine's Day. Think! I know Ron's thick, but there has to be something you can do that will make him realize he's desperately in love with you."

"I think I have a plan." Hermione smiled secretively. "But we'll see if it has any effect. I sometimes think Ron just doesn't notice anything that isn't on a broomstick or can't be eaten."

"That's the wrong sort of attitude to have," Ginny advised her. "Have a little faith in yourself! You know we're the true Supreme Plotters in all of Hogwarts."

"Ugh, I hate Draco Malfoy." Hermione groaned slightly while turning back to her work.

"Yeah, but at least he's a good kisser."

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Seamus loved his friends.

But right now…he was nearing the end of his patience with Dean Thomas.

"I can't believe you let yourself be the victim of such an annoying prank, Dean." Seamus grumbled as he helped his friend down the corridor and up the stairs. "I mean, everyone knows that they've been rampant since Malfoy issued that challenge. How could you be so easily tricked?"

"Panic bells, it's red alert! There's something here from somewhere else. The war machine springs to life, opens up one eager eye. Focusing it on the sky, where ninety-nine red balloons go by." Dean was singing, but there was little choice. He'd been singing ever since he caught what was being dubbed the Musical Curse by most of the students, who were ready to vote this plot, perhaps not the cleverest, but so far the most irritating. Once a cursed object was inadvertently touched by the hapless victim, they were doomed to sing whatever songs their mind could conjure until the proper counterspell was performed. The big problem was that as far as anyone knew, the only effective counterspell had only recently been concocted by Madam Pomfrey, and it was rather intense. She was forced to make a sign-up sheet outside the infirmary to form a queue of those waiting for her to administer the cure, which took at least ten minutes per student, and sometimes longer in more stubborn cases. There had been some hopes that since so very many students were affected, some of the professors would pitch in, but they were still wholly devoted to the plumbing problems, except for Professor Tonks, the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, who was dedicated currently to taking care of one student's idea for a prank that had involved setting loose a large number of boggarts throughout the school. So far, she'd taken care of over thirty, but the Hufflepuff first years still refused to walk to class without an escort.

"Why do you only know eighties' songs?" Seamus sighed heavily as he led the way to the Infirmary. Outside the door, there was a large group of singing students waiting their turn, and when Seamus surveyed the list for treatment, he couldn't help the heavy groan that escaped him. It was going to be ages before he could stop listening to the musical stylings of his best friend! Resignedly, he added Dean's name to the bottom of the list and turned to face his still singing friend. "Well, there's loads of people ahead of you. We may as well go study or something while you wait your turn. It'll be at least a day or so, from the length of that list."

"This is what we've waited for, this is it boys, this is war. The president is on the line, as ninety-nine red balloons go by!" Dean was still singing, but Seamus liked to believe that he sounded a bit more dejected about it.

"I hope you appreciate that I haven't pummeled you once since you started this." Seamus told his friend, who just continued singing, but pointed ahead of them. Seamus looked up and greeted his approaching friends. "Hey Neville, Hermione."

"He's got the curse." Hermione said by way of explanation as they stopped to chat. That is to say, she stopped to chat with Seamus, while Dean and Neville stood to the side, both trying to be unobtrusive in their singing. "I was going to see about getting him treatment. How's the wait?"

"Endless." Seamus told her. "I told Dean we could go try and do some studying while we waited to make the top of the queue, but I'm never going to get anything done with him going through the list of the greatest hits of the eighties."

"If you want, we can leave them both in the common room and you could study in my room. It's quiet there, and after Neville came to get help from me, I've told myself I'm locking it." Hermione offered. "I'm not letting in anyone with that stupid curse."

"Could I?" Seamus actually seemed eager. "I mean, I've got an essay due in the morning, and I'll never get it done with him around. Plus…I'm seriously sick of eighties music." Hermione laughed at this and nodded shortly, sweeping over to usher Neville to the Infirmary doors.

"Yeah, sure thing. Just let me take care of Neville and I'll walk back with you guys." And with that she darted between a few singing students to sign Neville up for treatment, and then came running back, tugging the afflicted wizard by his shoulder. "All right, let's go, this lot is driving me crazy."

"I'll stop the world and melt with you! You've seen the difference and it's getting better all the time." Dean continued singing, though at this point he had clearly moved on to a new song.

"I told you, it's all the eighties music with him." Seamus grumbled.

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Tonks loved taking down dark creatures with ease.

"Really, I can't thank you enough for your help, Harry." Tonks told the teenager as they walked along the Charms corridor, wands at the ready. "It really takes it out of a girl, having to face all those boggarts on my own."

"Well, it was the least I could do." Harry told her, "You seem to be the only one who really understands how serious the situation is, and who wants to prepare for the battle with Voldemort."

"Yeah, I guess," Tonks shrugged slightly, "but fighting boggarts isn't really the same thing, is it?"

"It's better than slacking off with everyone else. They all just want to rehearse their stupid, pointless play, or plan elaborate pranks." He sighed heavily. "It's like no one understands there's a world outside of Hogwarts, it's like they all just want to ignore the danger waiting for them out there."

"Or maybe they're just kids, Harry." Tonks stopped talking as they suddenly encountered one of their quarry and dispatched it with the ease of a pair of competent magicians who'd gotten very good at this over the past few hours. "Anyway, don't you want to do something fun while you have the chance? Here, you're relatively safe, and you have the luxury of ignoring Voldemort for the time being. Or are you just born to kill?"

"Sometimes it seems that way." Harry admitted. "Like the only reason I'm here, and the only reason anyone finds me worthwhile is because they don't want to fight Voldemort themselves. With me here, they can just assume he's taken care of. Like I can just will him away or something. There's so much at stake, and all anyone seems to care about is how many Valentine's they'll be getting."

"Harry, I'm going to give you some advice, and I want you to take it seriously, even though I'm really not that much older than you." She told him, stopping their search for a moment to look at him seriously. "Do you really want to die a virgin? Come on, live a little!"

"Was…was that advice?" Harry was struck dumb.

"Sort of." She shrugged again but then held up her wand sharply. "I think I hear one coming…"

"Riddikulus!" Harry cried out as soon as he saw a glimpse of black robe.

"While it's flattering to know that I am your deepest fear, please do not cast random spells at me when I am only trying to patrol the halls." Snape scowled in annoyance at Harry, who suddenly went a very deep shade of red.

"Good speed, Harry," Tonks patted his shoulder. "Slightly too good. Next time, make sure you know what you're aiming at."

"I…sorry, professor, I didn't see you clearly." Harry told the older man. "See, Tonks and I—"

"Professor Tonks." Snape corrected.

"Oh, don't do that, it makes me worry I'm an old fart." Tonks protested. "Sorry about the spell and all, we were just trying to clear out the last of the boggarts, see?"

"I'd gathered as much." Snape seemed momentarily off kilter, but he quickly gathered himself. "Would you care for my assistance? You'd be done much more quickly if you sent young Potter to his homework and let me assist you in his stead."

"I already finished my homework." Harry spoke up for himself at once. "If you wanted to help, that'd be no reason for me to leave."

"Even that three foot long essay on the various components and effects of Amortentia you owe me by tomorrow morning?" Snape challenged.

"I don't have Potions until Friday, and besides that, you said that Amortentia was a silly waste of time and you didn't want to waste valuable class time discussing useless drivel." Harry reminded him.

"I can demand a homework assignment be handed to me on any day I please, and I never said any such thing." Snape shook his finger angrily at Harry, but he seemed as though he was redder than normal with his rage.

"Yes you did, because Lavender asked if we could brew it as a treat for Valentine's Day, and you said that you wouldn't teach her how to brew something she'd only use to lure boys into her vile clutches because she had no natural charms." Harry tapped his temple as he recalled the incident. "And then you took thirty points from Gryffindor because she started crying, and Parvati called you an old shriveled toad with no heart or sense of romance, and that it wasn't fair for you to hate love potions, just because nothing was strong enough to make anyone date you."

"No, I think you must have dreamed that." Snape hissed angrily. "I am brimming with romance."

"Um…what?" Tonks asked. Harry was so surprised he couldn't even speak, and then the pair collapsed against each other in giggles.

"Twenty points from Gryffindor!" Snape yelled over his shoulder as he fled the scene.

"Sorry, I got you in trouble." Tonks apologized as soon as the Potions professor was out of sight. "Oh! How about I know! Eighty points to Gryffindor, because of all the help you've given me!"

"Thanks, Tonks." Harry smiled as they continued down the hall, "Although it didn't bother me, really. He takes three times as many from just our class every time I have Potions. That doesn't count every random encounter. He pretty much docks me points for being alive."

"He's just jealous, don't let him get you down." Tonks smiled back at him. "I hope I'm never that old and bitter."

"Me too." Harry told her, "But did you notice how weird he was acting?"

"What do you mean? He's not always like that?" Tonks asked.

"Well…he was being…almost nice to you." Harry answered, hesitant to venture the theory.

"Yeah, a bit, but he's always…well, sometimes he just makes fun of whoever is with me. I guess, now that I think about it, he doesn't really ever give me a hard time. Probably because I'm a professor, and I know he's really keen on my subject. He just respects me as a colleague." Tonks surmised.

"I don't know, I don't think he respects anyone." Harry told her.

"Well, maybe he feels bad about Sirius and doesn't know how to apologize." Tonks guessed. "Not that it was really his fault. Entirely."

"By that logic, he should be nice to me as well." Harry reminded her, "And in case you didn't notice, I'm not topping his list of favorite people."

----------

Pansy loved chocolate.

However, she was very particular about sprinkles. She hated any that were red or gold, because they seemed like they were celebrating Gryffindors and their endless stupidity, even if a dessert didn't feature both colors. She would always pick off all the red or gold sprinkles, and Millicent, Crabbe, or Goyle, would helpfully eat them all. She liked to imagine they were tiny Gryffindor first years being crushed by giant Slytherin teeth. But that didn't mean she was going to eat them. Plus, she told herself that by taking all the red sprinkles off the festive cupcakes they'd served the night before Valentine's Day, she was watching her weight. Cupcakes themselves weren't the source of weight gain. It was clearly those sprinkles. Just look at Millicent Bulstrode.

"And if you figure in the number of Slytherins, who will give me valentines whether they find me sexy or not, which clearly they all do, just because I'm a role model for them as a seventh year, then it's pretty obvious that I'll have more valentines than anyone, based almost entirely on my devastating good looks." Blaise was busy lecturing them all on how, this year, he would come out on top in their annual Most Power Over Others competition, which was decided by which of them received the most valentines. Usually, it was a dead heat between Pansy, Draco, and Blaise, although last year, in a surprise upset, Nott had somehow gotten by far more valentines than any of them, although he hadn't been less of an ill-tempered pill than he was every year, so they had all puzzled over how it had happened, and after much deliberation, Draco had said that there had clearly been some form of cheating, and that meant he was the winner, since he'd won the year before that.

"You may think that, but I learned something recently that may just knock all of your plans off course." Draco advised Blaise. "My great-great grandmother on my father's side was a veela. Try to compete with my magically augmented allure."

"Yes, I'd say between the two of you, Draco is definitely better looking." Pansy sided with the blonde. In her mind, he loved her deeply, but was just too afraid to be honest about his feelings. He would probably propose to her soon, and so she felt that because they would eventually marry, any contest he won was a contest that she, by inference, also won. "Sorry, Blaise, you just look too much like a girl."

"Because Draco isn't a total queen." Blaise could be very cruel when anyone refused to recognize his appeal as superior to all others. "Honestly, Pansy, no amount of kissing up will give you a chance with him. Harry Potter has a better chance of getting in Draco's pants than you do."

"I am not gay." Draco carefully peeled the paper off his cupcake so that no frosting would get on his fingers. "Just because you are doesn't mean all good looking men are."

"I'm not either!" Blaise shot back. "I told you, I was drunk."

"What?" Pansy could sense gossip a mile away, blindfolded. "You were drunk…and?"

"Blaise wanted to…unite our camps, as it were." Draco chuckled slightly. "I can't help that he's drawn to me. It must be the veela in me."

"Well, you certainly look like a woman." Blaise shot back. "And anyway, you weren't complaining at all until Nott walked in on us."

"I was mortified, I didn't know what to do." Draco argued. "Ask Nott, he'll tell you that I was trying to shove this molester off of me when he came in."

"No one can ask Nott anything, he hasn't gotten his tongue fixed." Blaise seemed specially pleased with himself as he reported this. "When he was finally ready to swallow his pride and ask for help, the Musical Curse had already struck down most of the student body, so he couldn't even get in to see Madam Pomfrey. Right, Nott?"

Nott glared viciously at Blaise, and Pansy edged closer to Draco. She was a little more afraid of him ever since she'd puked on him the other night. He'd probably hex her silly as soon as he could talk again. But in the mean time, he'd likely poison her.

"Anyway, Blaise threw himself on me last night, and I thought my virtue would be lost for certain, but luckily Theodore came in, and that was the end of that." Draco did not seem to notice that the silent glare was now aimed at him. Everyone knew better than to use Nott's first name, and Pansy didn't think it was wise to tease him just because he didn't have his voice back yet.

"Whatever!" Blaise huffed angrily. "I thought you were someone else!"

"Your boyfriend?" Draco raised an eyebrow. "You know, for someone who was completely drunk, you remember a lot of last night."

"Yeah, I remember you liked it." Blaise slammed his hand down and stood up, glaring down at Draco. "Maybe I did know it was you, but maybe you would have gone along with it if no one had seen us. So yeah, I like blokes. But so do you. And you know it."

Silence. All of them were waiting for Draco's response. Well, Pansy was. And it seemed like Blaise was. Crabbe and Goyle were still eating, and she wasn't sure they were paying any attention. Millicent had an odd look on her face, either because she was upset that her friends were fighting, or because she'd eaten too fast and given herself heartburn again. Nott was still glaring at Draco, but it wasn't clear if he was still mad about the use of his first name or if he was also waiting for the Malfoy to speak.

"Well, honestly, I can't help that you're such a good kisser." He finally replied in a calm tone, as if saying that he could hardly help that they'd overcooked the ham the slightest bit.

"Just admit it!" Blaise looked ready to punch Draco, who was too busy picking all the red sprinkles off of Pansy's cupcake for her. He was so thoughtful sometimes. Pansy loved that about him. "You can keep Pansy for a beard! She'll marry you even if you tell her you can never love her. Which you can't. Because you fancy blokes."

"That's it! I will not suffer these insults any longer!" Draco stood up as well, leaning across the table toward Blaise. For one horrific moment, Pansy thought he was going to start snogging Blaise right there. "Pansy! Get ready to be ravished!" he snapped his fingers, and after a moment of processing, she hopped to her feet, and after another vicious moment of glaring at Blaise, Draco wrapped his arms around her, dipped her low, and kissed her so thoroughly that she felt her toes curl in her shoes.

"Whoa, what's going on over here?" Pansy wasn't sure who that was, because she was sure that Draco was rather determined to keep snogging her until Blaise admitted defeat, but she was sure the female voice was familiar.

"Draco's showing us how he doesn't like blokes." Blaise sounded rather bored. "Although seeing him kiss Pansy senseless doesn't really prove anything other than that he's a good kisser."

"That he is." Replied the female voice. "I was hoping you'd be storming off, I could see you two were having an argument, and I wanted to talk to you."

"Alright, after dinner I'll be up on the fourth floor. You know that closet where you showed me that trick?"

"Oh, yes, the one right near that tapestry of Fingal the Fearless wrestling a pair of cave trolls?" was the girl's reply. For someone who'd tried to snog Draco last night, Blaise still seemed to be quite the lady's man. "Alright, sounds good. Will you be long?"

"I just want to see how this ends."

"I kind of do, too, but if I'm not careful, Ron will see me." And then she must have left, because there was a long pause as Draco continued kissing Pansy, not that she had any problem with that, although she wished that they could be doing this in private.

"You know, you can fancy blokes and still enjoy snogging girls at the same time." Blaise finally spoke up as the interminable display went on. "It's called being bisexual."

"I hate you." Draco stopped so suddenly Pansy felt her head spinning. "You're such a bloody stubborn bastard."

"And you like kissing boys." Blaise answered, popping the last bite of his cupcake in his mouth before waving at them. "Well then, enjoy your night, kids. I have a date with a redhead." And with that he left.

"I'm full." Draco threw down his cupcake, though he still hadn't taken a bite of it. Pansy had only eaten half of hers, but she barely hesitated to follow him out the door and back to Slytherin. Chocolate was wonderful, but Draco was her true love, and he was finally showing a real interest in her. The whole way to the dungeons, she could still taste him on her lips, and could still feel his hands on her as he kissed her right in front of everyone. As soon as they entered the Slytherin common room, she threw herself in his arms and puckered her lips at him.

"Pansy, not now." Draco grumbled, extricating himself from her grip. "I'm tired, I think I need some sleep."

"But…before, you…right in front of everyone!" she felt distinctly cheated as he headed up the stairs, and she raced after him. "You were kissing me!"

"Yeah, I know." Draco sighed heavily. "I was there." He stopped and opened his door, but she darted out her arm to stop him from closing it behind him and blocking her out.

"Well, you can't just kiss a girl like that and then ignore her!" Pansy told him in annoyance. "And tomorrow's Valentines' Day! Where's your sense of romance?"

"I don't know, I'm just…I really need to sleep." Draco attempted to close the door again, but she managed to not only hold it open, but force it wide enough to let herself into the room. "Pansy, please, now is not a good time."

"Why not? You never have time for me! You'll show me around in public like a trophy, like some proof of how perfect your life is, so everyone can see that you have great grades, and you're a great Seeker, and you're from a great family, and you have a great girlfriend who also comes from a great family, and you're probably going to get a great job as soon as you graduate. But really, it's all made up, because I'm not really your girlfriend, and I probably never will be. I'm just convenient to you, but I want you to know that I loved you. If you're going to treat me like that, then it's over between us. You're going to have to make a choice, Draco. What do you want?" she finished her rant, stomping her foot down sharply and waiting for his response. "And don't give me some excuse, or try to change the subject, or dance around it. Just give me an answer."

"Pansy, don't do this right now." Draco's voice was suddenly steely, but Pansy was not about to back down.

"I don't need you to give me a ring and tell me you'll marry me a week after graduation and buy me a big house. I just need you to tell me that this is serious, and not some act. I just want you to tell me that I am your girlfriend, and not some prop in this great drama you're staging." She lowered her voice, trying to keep the wavering panic out of her tone. "If I am, that's good, I'll let you go to sleep. If I'm not, then you're a pain in my ass, but I'm still going to leave. But I'm not leaving until you tell me what's what."

"You really want to know?" Draco spoke after a long silence.

"I really want to know." She answered steadily.

"Then no, you aren't my girlfriend." He answered her. "You're one of my best friends, but I just don't—"

"Damn you!" without realizing it, she'd picked up a book from the end table and thrown it at his head. Her hands were moving as if of their volition, finding shoes and inkpots, books and lamps, and lobbing all of it at him. "Damn you Draco Malfoy! Why did you wait so damn long to tell me! Why did you string me along! Damn you!"

"You said you'd leave!" He yelped as he dodged her barrage of objects. "Stop throwing things!"

"I never said I wouldn't throw things before I left!" she shouted at him. "I can't believe you're doing this to me! You say I'm your friend! What sort a friends lie to each other like that! For years!"

"I didn't promise you anything!" He ducked and nearly got hit by the lamp she had just thrown, which shattered behind him.

"You knew what everyone thought! You knew what I thought!" she screamed at him. "How could you!"

"I tried, Pansy! I really did!" He hopped up and down in pain as he was hit in the arm with a book.

"Oh, so it's my fault, then?! You tried your hardest, it must be my fault!" she was apoplectic.

"I'm gay!" He cried out desperately, and suddenly she froze. Encouraged that there had been three seconds without anything being thrown at him, he continued. "I've tried, but I can't make myself enjoy it, being with a girl. I thought maybe it was the wrong girl, but it didn't matter, whoever I was with, I just wasn't that interested. And I thought maybe I would get to like it, but then I realized…and when Blaise kissed me, I knew for sure."

"But…when he said…and you said…" Pansy was completely struck dumb.

"I know, and I'm…I'm sorry." It was hard for him to apologize, even now, when he knew that she deserved to hear him say it, if anyone did. "If you've learned nothing else about me all these years you know how I care about public appearances. And I hoped, when I kissed you…I hoped it would change my mind, or something."

"But it didn't." she finished.

"I wish it had, if that counts for anything." Draco told her. He rose to his feet and came to her slowly. She let him approach, dropping the shoe she held clenched in one hand. "I wish that I was normal, and that I could give you what you wanted, and give my parents what they want, and have two perfect children with you, and everything. But I wouldn't be able to really…I wouldn't be able to love you, and it wouldn't be fair. Because you are my friend."

"I really wanted to marry you." She told him in a wistful tone, allowing him to hug her. "But…I guess I'm glad you told me the truth before things got…really serious."

"If it will make you feel better, I'll send you lots of chocolates tomorrow and pretend to be utterly smitten with you." He offered.

"Thanks, but I'll just take the chocolates. I need the comfort, not the lie." She sighed heavily and pushed his arms away, giving him a forced smile. "I need to go to bed."

"Good night."

"And Draco?" she paused at the doorway, turning back.

"Yeah?"

"You're a fantastic kisser."

"I know."

----------

Lavender loved Valentines Day.

She loved the idea of a day where dating options were made clear for anyone in question, by virtue of simply handing out cards that in an easy to read code told you how much that person desired you.

Some people were even luckier, though. For people like Hermione, who had performed the ultimate form of valentine coup, you can go from normal card status to giant bouquet with box of chocolates only the day before Valentines Day. And that was what was sitting in the common room waiting for the Head Girl when Lavender woke up early to see if she had any overly romantic secret admirers who had left her obscene numbers of presents. Naturally, since she couldn't gloat over presents of her own at this point, she decided to wake up the lucky girl.

"You should see what Seamus did for you!" she squealed as she bounced at the foot of a very groggy Hermione's bed. "You are so lucky, to start dating someone the day before Valentines Day! That's the best way to get good things!"

"I didn't do it for that…you know I'm just trying to get Ron…to get Ron…" Hermione looked rather more disoriented than was typical for an early morning. "I seem to remember something about Ron and Seamus…but I can't think of what…did you see if anyone else left me anything?"

"What? How many guys are after you, Hermione?" Lavender aimed for a tone that was exactly halfway between scandalized and excited for more gossip. "That's just not even fair. You barely spend ten minutes on your hair."

"Um…what?" Hermione shook her head. "I just…I feel like Millicent would have left me something. I'm sure she knows how much she means to me."

"Hermione? Are you still asleep?" Lavender was so confused she actually stopped bouncing. "What are you talking about?"

"Millicent Bulstrode!" she keened, clasping her hands together dramatically. "I love her, and it seems like she barely notices me. Well, there was one time she put me in a headlock…if I knew then how I'd feel about her now…"

"I…I think I'd better leave. So you can get dressed. Yeah." Lavender fled the scene. Millicent Bulstrode? What was going on? She thought that Hermione was after Ron, and that she was dating Seamus to make him jealous so he'd do something for once. And now she was pining after Millicent Bulstrode? Firstly, Lavender had never noticed any sort of leanings toward same-gender appreciation on Hermione's side before, but even if she had, it wasn't like there weren't a zillion more attractive girls Hermione could choose from. Something was wrong.

"Parvati, wake up." She'd rushed down the hall into her own bedroom, and she woke up her best friend with a sense of urgency. This was a gossip emergency. If they couldn't predict things like this, there was clearly a flaw in Lavender and Parvati's information network. It was probably Colin Creevey. He'd always seemed a little dodgy to her.

"Hmm?" Parvati woke up a little more swiftly than Hermione had, which didn't say a lot. "What's going on?"

"Hermione is in love with Millicent Bulstrode!" That got her friend up. She leapt out of bed, immediately seeing the implications.

"Millicent? But we never…she never!" Parvati was very upset, which was what the situation clearly warranted.

"I know! It's like some horrible Valentines Day illness came over her and now she can't think straight." Lavender grumbled. "I should just keep all that stuff Seamus got her for myself."

"Oh no!" Parvati clapped her hands on her mouth. "I didn't get anything for Zacharias!"

"Wait…what?" Lavender felt like she must have misheard somehow.

"I forgot to get Zacharias a present! What will I do? Now he'll never notice me!" she looked as though she might start crying as she collapsed on her bed. "What will I do?"

"Parvati…why would you get Zacharias Smith a valentine?" Lavender asked in a quiet tone that hid her rising sense of alarm. "Much less a present?"

"Because, I love him, very deeply." Parvati answered, tears leaking from her eyes.

"I went to sleep, and the world went crazy!" Lavender shrieked. "You had a crush on a boy and you didn't tell me until just now? What's going on! No wonder we missed the boat with this whole Millicent Bulstrode thing."

"I just…he's so dark…and he's always so mean." Parvati sighed as though these were appealing traits. "And it's so sexy how he gives Harry a hard time. He just…goes against the grain. I love him!"

"I'm leaving now." Lavender told her friend in a tight voice. "Stay here. You aren't well. You're blathering nonsense."

"If you see Zacharias—"

"Yeah, I'll tell him you love him." Lavender left, rushing now back downstairs. There were finally some people moving, so she decided to just see if everyone else seemed crazy, or if it was limited to seventh year Gryffindor girls. "Seamus! Happy Valentines Day!"

"Have you seen Hermione?" he asked immediately. "I woke up…and I just couldn't wait to see her."

"Well…I guess you seem alright, if a little clingy." Lavender brushed him off and moved on, "Ginny! Happy Valentines Day!"

"Today's the play…I'm so excited!" Ginny giggled oddly. "When Greg sees me, he'll finally realize that he's been in love with me for as long as I've been in love with him."

"Um, you mean Harry." Lavender hoped against hope and just corrected her friend.

"No, I mean Greg." Ginny laughed like it was an odd mistake for Lavender to make. "You know, the Slytherin, he's a seventh year, built like a big side of beef, speaks mostly in grunts…oh, just talking about him gets me so worked up!"

"Greg…you mean Goyle!?" Lavender felt her heart sink through her stomach, and then bounce back to her throat. "I knew it. Valentines Day is broken!"

"What?" Ginny blinked in confusion.

"Hermione's in love with Millicent Bulstrode! Parvati fancies Zacharias Smith!" Lavender lamented. "Either my information network is completely stunted and worthless, or this is a horrendous love potion scheme."

"Ew, Millicent Bulstrode?" Ginny scrunched her nose up. "I mean, Zacharias isn't bad looking, it's just you want to hit him every time he talks. But Millicent? You'd think if Hermione was going to switch teams, she'd pick someone more attractive."

"Okay, don't get me started. You're over here lusting after Goyle." Lavender huffed. "I need to see how bad this is. Until I get back, don't go anywhere near the Slytherin dungeons. I don't think there's a cure for snogging Goyle."

"I don't want a cure." Ginny started, but Lavender made a retching noise and ran away.

----------

Harry loved Draco Malfoy.

He was sure of this, somehow. He'd woken up that morning, and while if he thought of it, he couldn't specifically recall prior feelings for his rival, he suddenly felt a burning need to make the blonde his own. And he would do anything.

Like sneaking down to the dungeons and waiting for him to come down the corridor on his way to breakfast with his wand ready and his Invisibility Cloak on. What he didn't know was that he wouldn't be going to breakfast as planned. Harry was plotting an ambush. Sure enough, it was only after thirty minutes of waiting, a small price to pay to be graced with his radiance, that Harry heard Draco's voice berating Goyle.

"And it's bad enough that Crabbe's decided Blaise is a fine catch. That, at least, I can understand. He's a Slytherin, so if you feel the need to suddenly snatch up a man, he's a fine figure to choose." Draco appeared then, shaking his finger at a stony-faced Goyle, and Harry felt his heart speed with excitement. Draco was just so beautiful! How had he never noticed this before? "However, I will not, in any way, condone you deciding to both overshadow my sudden coming out with your own declarations, and if you must chase a man, please do not embarrass our house by choosing a Hufflepuff. Honestly, it would only be worse if you told me you were in love with Neville Longbottom. Now, no more of this Justin what's-his-name business."

"Finch-Fletchley." Goyle spoke up then.

"What's that?" Draco stopped mid-stride.

"His name is Justin Finch-Fletchley, and you can't just order me to stop loving him." Goyle grumbled. "I can't help how I feel."

"Worthless!" Draco began striding away without a care for whether his henchmen followed. "You two are worthless!"

Before they could catch up to him, Harry took the opportunity to stun both of them, and as Draco turned back at the sound of them hitting the ground with twin thuds, he darted forward and snatched his quarry around the waist.

Draco shrieked in fright, and Harry thought to put him at ease by pulling him into the Potions classroom, which was just a few feet away, but this proved to be quite a struggle with the Slytherin squealing in panic the whole way and calling out for his fallen comrades to please save him. Finally, they were in the classroom, and Harry tossed aside the cloak as he turned the flailing Draco to face him. He was rewarded for his efforts with a rather strong punch in the eye.

"Potter! What are you doing! Why are you abducting me! What's the meaning of this!?" Draco was hysterical, and Harry was in pain, so he decided the best thing to do would be to at least make one of them feel better and also get Draco to shut up. He accomplished this by kissing Draco full on the lips. It was fabulous, being so close to the person he thought about all the time…well, at least, ever since he woke up that morning. And he was sure Draco must be enjoying it, too. But then he was shoved away roughly.

"You…you…you kissed me!" Draco's voice was several octaves higher than what one might term a masculine tone, but Harry was determined to find it sexy, no matter what. "You just kissed me! Why would you do that!?"

"I love you." Harry told him readily. "You're all I ever think about! Tell me what I can do to make you feel the same, and I'll do it! Anything! I'll be your slave, just give me a chance to show you how I feel!"

"That's ridiculous, you do not—" Draco cut himself off halfway and rubbed his chin in consideration. "Anything, you say?"

"Anything!" Harry affirmed, going down to his knees and clasping his hands together. Draco chuckled evilly, but Harry was sure that was probably also sexier than it was frightening.

"My slave you say? You, Harry Potter, consent to do anything, I, Draco Malfoy ask, just for the compensation of being able to bask in the unmistakable glory of my presence?" Draco clarified, and felt as though suddenly the muck of a rather odd morning had cleared away into the brilliance of an opportunity he would have to be daft to ignore. "That sounds fair. Very well, for your first task…stop ambushing me. And also, don't kiss me. Unless I say you can. It'll…uh, kill the romance."

"Sure!" Harry agreed readily. "Anything else?"

"Well…I could have you help up Crabbe and Goyle," Draco headed for the door, and Harry scrambled after him. "But they were getting on my nerves today anyway. It's better this way. Come, peon, we go to breakfast."

"Can I eat with you?" Harry asked, his eyes going wide and wobbly. Draco hesitated a moment before answering.

"Only if you're on your very best behavior. And…you must cut up all my food for me." Draco added as a last minute provision.

"I'll feed it to you as well, if you'd like." Harry offered eagerly as they strode toward the Great Hall.

"No…no, that's all right." Draco was clearly puzzled by Harry's sudden fascination with him, but then again, he was part veela. Perhaps after all those years of being subjected to his allure, Harry's brain had overloaded.

"I can't tell you how much this means to me, Draco, I'm so glad you're giving me this chance." Harry told him in excitement when they finally reached the Great Hall and both proceeded to sit together at the Slytherin table, much to the general confusion of the student body. Or, it could have been the fact that the students were clearly in chaos before they even entered. Everyone was either very in to the Valentines spirit, or there was some horrible love spell on the rampage.

"Oh Merlin, the prank war…" Draco slapped his forehead as he realized what must have happened.

"Did you want me to help you come up with something to win?" Harry perked up immediately.

"No, I don't even want to compete against whoever did this." He gestured toward the students, many of whom were chasing others around in a tangle of unwanted suitors and mass discord.

"Why is everyone fighting?" Harry asked, clearly able to see that at least their behavior was not normal. "Did I miss something?"

"I think someone's perpetrated one of the greatest Cunning Plots known in the history of Hogwarts." Draco told his companion miserably as he allowed Harry to lovingly cut his pancakes into neat, bite-sized pieces. "I suspect that there's a love potion or twenty at work here…but the amount of preparation involved…there'd have to be several different batches prepared, each for someone different. But it would explain Crabbe and Goyle suddenly telling me they were in love with men. And Nott…"

"What about Nott?" Harry asked as Draco trailed off, and the blonde coughed and straightened his back, spearing a bite of pancake on his fork.

"Nothing, he was just…he seems to think…" Draco breathed deeply before forcing it all out at once. "He tried to join me in bed this morning."

"He what?" Harry leapt to his feet, wand out in an instant, scanning the crowd for the Slytherin in question.

"It's okay, I already hexed him. He's got a full body-bind on him, and he will until someone finds him outside my door, where I left him." Draco shrugged slightly. "I thought he was just trying to find a new, creative way to poison me."

"Why would he ever want to poison you?" Harry asked, sinking back to his seat and putting his wand away. "You're a treasure."

"Um…well, thanks for that." Draco was embarrassed to note that he was blushing, which was really silly, since he knew Harry was under the influence of a dangerous magical substance. "I may happen to know that he's currently without the powers of speech. And I may have been antagonizing him ever since he lost them."

"Yes, but who could ever be upset by anything you do? You carry yourself with such style…it's truly a wonder to watch." Harry sighed wistfully as Draco shifted uncomfortably. It was really odd to hear Harry talk like that.

"Well, I suppose that's true." Draco admitted. "But Nott…he's not very forgiving about that sort of thing. Anyway, he's taken care of, but it appears that there are a rather large number of people affected."

"There he is!" Harry yelped and dove under the table just as a group of Gryffindor third-years who had attempted to molest him in his sleep that morning raced over.

"Save me! They're after my body!" Harry pleaded with a very shocked looking Draco.

"You…girls." Draco addressed the trio before him, since he clearly did not know any of them by name.

"My name is—"

"Did I ask?" Draco cut her off sharply. This was Draco at his most irritatingly superior, and Harry loved every second of it. "I could care less who you are, but I'll have you know that this is spoken for." And he hefted Harry out from under the table, planting a firm kiss on his mouth. "And if I catch you near him or his trousers, I'll hex all three of you so badly, no one will want you, least of all him. Also, I will take ten points from Gryffindor every time I see you look at him, and he's rather proud of his house, so it will really only make him despise each of you. Is that what you want?" he paused long enough for one of them to let out a sharp eep of terror. "And when you feel your hearts aching for the sight of his gloriously mussed hair, or his dazzling green eyes, I want you to remember this." He leaned forward and spoke the next in a voice so low it was almost a whisper. "I could have you killed, like this," he snapped his fingers and all three shrieked and fled.

Harry gaped at his savior, and Draco released his shoulder, returning to the task of eating the neatly cut pancakes.

"You saved me." Harry's voice wavered with emotion.

"You asked me to." Draco shrugged. "I think I made the blonde one wet herself. It's not every day the champion of the less fortunate gives me permission to terrorize the underclassmen."

"I love you." Harry wrapped his arms around Draco's neck and there was a brief struggle as Draco almost got syrup on his face. He pushed the other teenager's arms away swiftly.

"Yes, I'd noticed that. Now let me eat, slave." Draco resumed eating for only a moment before he saw a flash of something bright yellow and found he had a lap full of Ravenclaw. "What the—"

"Draco, my love!" It was a moment before both boys were able to recognize the interloper as Luna Lovegood. She was wearing nothing but a brilliantly yellow swimsuit, for some reason beyond either of them. "I wanted to see you."

"Um…"

"Get off him!" Harry went berserk, now that he'd had a few moments to process what was going on, and he nearly threw the girl to the ground.

"We'll duel for him, then!" she climbed to her feet again and began a quick search for her wand, the outcome of which Harry could have predicted. "Oh, drat, I forgot my wand. It doesn't really fit in my sleeve when I've got no sleeves…"

"Why are you wearing that?" Harry apparently could no longer handle the absurdity of the situation. "It's freezing! And that's clearly not part of the uniform! You'll be in detention until you're thirty if McGonagall catches you!"

"I need to seduce Draco with my feminine wiles!" she explained as though this was the most obvious thing she'd ever been forced to explain to anyone. "And I heard that he's part veela, so I thought that if I looked like a salveritch, he'd be sure to choose me over anyone else."

"A what?" Draco asked.

"The natural mate of the veela!" Luna explained in excitement. "They're bright yellow and they kidnap young children and turn them into icicles. I was going to transfigure a few first years for you."

"You know, that's almost romantic." Draco told her after a long silence. "Except that its completely mental. You…please go get dressed, or something. And stay away from me, with your child stealing ways."

"Luna Lovegood!" the unmistakable voice of Professor McGonagall put an end to the confrontation. "Fifty points from Ravenclaw! Grossly inappropriate! Two months detention! Put some robes on!"

"I won't!" Luna contested, but the professor had reached her quarry and was dragging Luna out of the Great Hall.

"That was terrifying." Draco sighed heavily. "I wonder who else is in love with me."

"No one loves you the way I do." Harry told him, and Draco nodded, "Will you come live with me?"

"Er, I don't think that's a good idea just yet." Draco replied, feeling oddly uncomfortable. "I'm very particular about interior décor, and I'm positive your home isn't up to par."

"Really?" Harry looked utterly crushed.

"Sorry, nothing I can do." Draco told him as though he was truly saddened by it. "If a house isn't perfect, I break out in hives. It's a horrible condition."

"Draco!" Blaise Zabini raced to the table, arms open and eyes full of warmth. "I've missed you so much!"

"When I find out who did this," Draco hissed at Harry as he prepared to fend off Blaise's attentions. "I'm going to congratulate them, and then have them killed."

"Stupefy!" only seconds before Blaise could embrace him, Harry pulled out his wand in Draco's defense.

"Good work, Potter." Pansy Parkinson appeared out of seemingly nowhere and took the empty seat at Draco's other side. "I would have done it, but you beat me to it."

"Morning, Pansy." Draco greeted her, apparently not at all surprised that she didn't seem to be holding a grudge against him.

"Draco, we may have a problem." Pansy told him in a businesslike tone as she reached for jam to spread over her toast.

"Don't do that," Draco snatched the piece of toast from her fingers and handed it to Harry. "Here, put jam on this." Pansy leaned over in surprise and gaped at Harry as he obediently began spreading jam over the toast. Her surprise was short-lived, however, and she turned her full attention back to Draco almost at once.

"Anyway, I'm positive that most of the school is under the influence of love potions." Pansy told him, her brows furrowed in concern. "I was wondering if you've experienced anything like the effects I'm seeing all around the school. Did anything odd happen to you last night? Any weird dreams?"

"You had that dream too?" Harry's eyes went wide as he paused in his jam spreading to address them. "I knew there had to be some malicious curse behind it…just, Snape…ugh."

"Um, what?" Pansy blinked, and Harry went brilliantly red, returning to his jam.

"Here's my effect." Draco jutted a thumb first at Harry before pointing at the prone figure of Blaise on the ground near them. Harry finished the toast and handed it over with the look of someone desperate for recognition. "Thanks, very good." Draco flushed slightly, unsure of why he felt the need to thank the other boy. "Yes, I had suspected as much myself. I mean, I know that I'm devastatingly handsome, and with my veela blood, it's completely understandable that I'd be the most fanciable boy in school, and in fact, it's to be expected. However, even with my superior allure, I don't usually garner the romantic attentions of the Hero of the Wizarding World, much less random Ravenclaws trying to jump me, and Nott in my bed. Blaise…well, he's a whore. Either my hair is even more splendid than ever, news of my new attitudes toward sexuality have spread faster than I had expected even from you, or there is a major plot being perpetrated here. I've been attacked by adoring fans far more often than I could consider normal."

"Well, at least now you have yourself a boyfriend." Pansy teased, and Draco reddened deeply.

"That's not…this isn't…Potter! Go away! Pansy and I have important Slytherin business to attend to, and there are no Gryffindors allowed for our highly important discussion!" Draco pointed imperiously toward the Gryffindor table, as a sort of suggestion as to where he might go.

"But…but I…I did everything you asked!" Harry looked completely devastated. "Don't do this to me!"

"You fool, I'm going to call you back. Don't be such a child. I just…I'm tired of how you act! You're an utter bore! Act more like a self righteous, goody-goody prig when I call you back. Until you can do it right, I can take no pleasure in your deference! Now go!"

"All…all right," Harry gave a pathetic snivel before rising and shuffling away, in turn casting petulant glances at Draco and muttering regrets to himself.

-----------

Ernie loved Pansy Parkinson.

"So, I know you've worked hard, and I really appreciate it," Ernie told Ginny as he continued to stare across the Great Hall during lunch at the Slytherin's glossy black hair, moving as she leaned close to that evil bastard, Draco Malfoy. Didn't she realize he was just going to hurt her? Besides, he'd heard Draco preferred blokes. "But the thing is, I have a woman in mind…she's so…she's perfect, and I want her to be my precious Murasaki…so I was going to see if you'd step down, so I could offer her the part."

"Are you crazy?" Ginny was clearly not in a giving mood. "I have to play the part! I have to let Greg see how wonderful I am, so he'll want me, after all this time…I've wanted him for so long…"

"For a day!" Lavender Brown looked utterly miserable and completely worn out. "You have wanted him for a day."

"You can't understand the depths of our passion." Ginny stuck her tongue out at Lavender, who was busy scribbling on a piece of parchment. "Why aren't you with Parvati?"

"I'm in the play too." Lavender reminded her. "And I still care about it. Unlike some people who only care about stalking Zacharias Smith and trying to kill Ron Weasley. And I can't even hang out with Padma now because she's suddenly in love with Crabbe and is trying to kill Blaise Zabini and Michael Corner to clear the path."

"Hermione!" Parvati's romantic rival suddenly ran up to their table, a terrified look on his face and his forehead shining with sweat. "Ginny, you two have to hide me!"

"Well, I told you, if you jumped Zacharias like that right in front of Parvati, she'd probably try to kill you." Ginny shook her head regretfully. "Maybe you should be in love with someone who no one else cares about, Ron. I haven't seen Lavender mobbed lately. And look how nice her hair is."

"For your information," Lavender glared viciously at the girl beside her. "I was nearly abducted and molested by no less than a dozen assembled Slytherin underclassmen."

"I didn't see any Slytherins chasing you." Ginny frowned skeptically.

"You won't. I overpowered them with my magnificent spell work and then locked them in the abandoned classroom in the Charms corridor." Lavender straightened her spine and twirled her quill lightly between her fingers.

"You overpowered a dozen Slytherins?" Hermione questioned, clearly a bit suspicious. "You didn't hurt—"

"No, stupid Millicent wasn't one of them." Lavender pouted as Ron waved his arms around his head in a panic.

"I'm serious!" he yelped, glanced at the door and actually dove under the table.

"Ooh, I think he cracked his head open." Hannah Abbott spoke up. "Is that blood?"

"I'm fine! Be quiet or they'll find me." Ron hissed from under the table. "I hate everyone today. Except Zacharias…he's like…he's my shining hero."

"What is he…okay, this is odd." Ginny spotted a group of fourth and fifth year girls from all of the houses that had just raced into the Hall and were clearly searching for something. "Ron? Care to explain?"

"Well, okay, some of them are mad, 'cause I kissed Zacharias like that in front of everyone." Ron explained with a fearful tone from under the table. "But most of them are after me."

"For what?" Hannah, who kept trying to snuggle against an extremely resistant Ernie spoke up.

"For me!" Ron hissed. "They want…they want."

"Okay, ew, just stop." Ginny squirmed uncomfortably as the group began to disband and leave. "No one will ever want that from you, Ron. At least not while I'm within hearing distance."

"Oh, look, it's Harry." Ernie waved the dark-haired wizard over, and he paused, gazing longingly at the Slytherin table before coming to join them, his arms loaded down with booklets and catalogs. "What have you got there, Harry? Something for the play?"

"Am I in that?" he asked distractedly as he sat down with them and apparently was not at all put off by the sight of Ron poking his head out over the bench before he climbed out to sit between Ernie and Hermione. "No, no, these are sample books. I'm remodeling."

"What?" Ron leaned over to take a look, apparently not worried now that his mob had dispersed.

"Yeah, I…I've decided it's time to spruce up Grimmauld Place." Harry forced a nervous smile. "Hermione, which do you like better, the cherry or the mahogany?"

"Floor or cabinet?" Lavender could never resist offering her opinion on something. "And what color will the walls be?"

"I'm not sure, but this is for the floor." Harry told her. "Do…do I need a wallpaper first?"

"You should not wallpaper, it's criminal. Just paint." Lavender advised him. "Nothing dark…and go with the cherry. It goes with everything."

"Thanks." Harry returned his nose to the sample books while she leaned over and whispered suggestions in his ear.

"You guys!" Neville reached the table with a look of absolute panic in his face. "Have you seen Theodore?"

"Who?" Ginny finally spoke after everyone tried to think of someone named Theodore.

"I think he means Nott." Hermione offered, and Neville nodded fervently.

"I love him! I have to tell him!" Neville told them. "But I haven't seen him all day."

"Draco broke his heart." Harry explained swiftly, flipping a page in a catalog of furniture. "He's probably plotting to win Draco from me. If you see him, tell him to back off."

"So, about the play." Ernie wasn't really sure what else to say as Neville left the Great Hall. "We have a slight hiccup, because I heard that Luna Lovegood is in so much trouble she'll be locked up until well after it's over. We'll need to recast her part."

"Millicent!" Hermione raised her hand, as though that would help.

"You know who's great at everything?" Dean, who had only recently been cured of his curse, had spent much of the past two days in quiet contemplation of just how it was he knew nothing but eighties songs. "Susan Bones. She's…she's got hair. Um, and she's in…Ravenclaw? I love her."

"Oh for the love of everything!" Lavender ignored the sample book for the moment, just to yell at Dean. "You know nothing about her! How can you not even question the fact that you're suddenly deeply in love with her!?"

"Draco thinks we've all had love potions slipped to us." Harry spoke up. "So does stupid, fat Pansy."

"Pansy is a flower of perfection." Ernie's voice was dangerously low. "And if you say one more word against her, I'll make you regret it."

"Why would they think that?" Dean wanted to know.

"What a mystery." Lavender threw up her hands. "You're all suddenly madly in love, half of you with people you either barely knew or would have barely spoken to before, and you think it's odd someone suspects a love potion!" there was a long silence. "That's it! I could kiss that slimy Slytherin!" and she picked up her things and ran out of the hall.

"Do you think we could really..." Ginny trailed off.

"No way, I've loved Millicent since…since ages ago." Hermione answered firmly. "She's my goddess of inspiration of wonder."

"That's how I feel about Zacharias." Ron nodded solemnly. "Oh Merlin! It's Parvati!" he slithered back under the table, and Hermione tutted loudly, reaching under there and muttering some incantation.

"Come out, she won't recognize you. I've cast a glamour." Hermione told the redhead, who emerged from under the table rather hesitantly.

Ron's hair was now pitch black.

"Hey…like that, you kind of look like Zacharias Smith." Ginny was trying gamely not to giggle at Ron, but he was so excited by her words that he shot to his feet and raced out of the Hall to track down the object of his affections.

"Hermione!" Seamus ran in, looking rather worn out and pale. "Hermione, I've looked everywhere for you!"

"Yeah, it's weird, it's lunch time and I'm in the Great Hall eating." Hermione snorted. "This is why I'll never love you the way I love Millicent. She understands me. Look at her over there, cramming two sandwiches in her mouth at once…oh, she's got mustard on her lip…"

"Hermione, I want to ask you something," Seamus went down on one knee, and everyone looked over at him in surprise. "I know we've only been dating three days, and I remember you told me you were just trying to make Ron jealous so it was all an act…but I've grown to love you today! I think…I think I want to marry you, but first, I have to be honest with you."

"I'm not going to marry you." She told him flatly. "My heart is Millicent's."

"But…Hermione, I was going to tell you my horrible secret!" Seamus had tears in his eyes, but she wasn't even looking at him.

"Oh my god! She's coming over here! This is my chance." Hermione pushed Seamus away and patted at her hair, trying to make it presentable.

"Seamus, are you…are you all right?" Millicent sounded almost shy, and Hermione went brilliantly red, and in the long tradition of her romantic strategies, did absolutely nothing once the object of her affections was before her. "Did she hurt you?" Millicent bent to help him up, and Seamus batted her hand away, pain etched on his face.

"I hate you…you home wrecker!" Seamus screamed at her and ran out in a flurry. Millicent glared at Hermione and left in a rush. As she exited, Anthony Goldstein hurried after her, begging her to wait.

"Hermione!" suddenly, Justin Finch-Fletchley was kneeling where Seamus had been a moment ago. "I love you!"

"I don't care!" she burst into tears. "The only person who ever understood me hates me now!"

"So…" Ernie turned away from the crying girl next to him. "About the play…"

"You guys, this is really important." Harry looked up suddenly, his face completely serious. "Which window treatment goes best with these accent pillows?"

Dean leaped up as he spotted Susan Bones enter and attempt to seduce Pansy Parkinson, who hexed the other girl as soon as she got within ten paces of her table. This inspired Dean to hex Pansy, who blocked neatly and squared off to face him.

Ernie stood up and rolled up his sleeves.

No one dared to attack his Pansy.

----------

Snape loved saying no.

"No." he smiled cruelly at the flighty Gryffindor girl pleading with him.

"But Professor, you have to see! Look at this relationship chart I drew! It's a mess!" Lavender was on the verge of tears. That was one of Snape's favorite times, when a student's misery was at the absolute highest before he would risk being fired for torture. It was a sweet feeling, deep in his heart. Like the way he felt about only one person in the world.

"I care nothing for the twisted romantic entanglements of teenagers." Snape told her. "However, I might consider your proposal if you did a favor for me." Lavender's lip curled in disgust, and he wondered at what she thought he was going to ask her to do. Clearly, it was better to let the students imagine the worst possible scenario than to say things plainly.

"W…what did you want…from me?" Lavender sounded utterly horrified. Clearly, she thought from his lascivious grin that he was planning to despoil her innocence, but no, she did not suit his tastes at all.

"Bring me Blaise Zabini." He answered finally.

"What?" she sounded so shocked that Snape almost laughed out loud at her reaction. "What for?"

"If you ask me any more questions, I will retract my offer." Snape told her, his eyes glowing cruelly as she heaved a deep sigh and left his office. Steepling his fingers, Snape tried to imagine what it would be like, what words he should say to make the situation occur perfectly as he had dreamed it would.

Reaching into his drawer, he pulled out a key and went across the room, moving aside several jars to reveal a safe, which he unlocked and then pulled out his wand, removing all the enchantments guarding it from anyone breaking into the secret storage place. When he opened it, there was a stack of pictures and a red, heart-shaped card, which he removed, ignoring the pictures completely. Closing the safe, he secured it once more and then returned to his desk, opening the card and scowling at the writing inside. Using a careful spell, he erased the name written at the top of the card and replaced it with Blaise's.

There, now he was ready for the ultimate seduction.

"But I heard Draco was eating, and I was going to give him—" the voice awoke Snape from his silent ruminations, and he perked up to see the object of his affections being shoved into the office roughly by what was clearly a female arm before the door was closed sharply. "Hey!"

"Blaise, please, calm yourself." Snape went for his most sexy voice…or maybe that was his most threatening. It was hard to keep track, and the look of horror on the Slytherin boy's face didn't help him figure it out. "Come in, relax."

"But…Professor, I'm sorry, I was looking for Draco, you see." Blaise began, "I was…I was going to…see, it's Valentines Day…"

"I know." Snape told him. "And don't think I would forget my favorite student." He smiled in what he hoped wasn't an evil way. He had very little practice smiling any other way, which was the main problem.

"Draco is in here?" Blaise perked up immediately. "I wanted to tell him…tell him…"

"Hush, Blaise, hush," Snape rose and walked over, and as soon as he realized he did not know how one would walk in a sexy fashion, he settled for trying to look less like he was out to kill. "I meant you. You're the student I care for more than any other, and I hope that I mean as much to you."

"Um…Professor Snape…" Blaise looked exceedingly uncomfortable.

"Please, call me Severus." He insisted, reaching forward to place a hand on Blaise's shoulder. The boy actually yelped in alarm. "I want for us to be…very close. Closer than student and teacher."

"F…friends?" Blaise asked hopefully as Snape leaned in closer and closer, his dark eyes at half-mast.

"More than friends, Blaise." Snape breathed as his lips pressed against the student's. Blaise struggled and after a brief bit of shuffling, Snape had him pressed against the wall, his hips pinning the boy's in place. "Tell me you don't want this as badly as I do," and he lowered his mouth again, but this time, Blaise pulled out his wand, casting the most powerful Stunner of his wizarding career. Snape actually flew threw the air and flipped over twice before landing in a crash of potions components and books.

"What was that?" Lavender was suddenly in the office as well, her hands on her cheeks. "No! He was going to fix everything!"

"How? By molesting me? Are you after Draco as well? He's mine!" Blaise told her angrily.

"No, you idiot! Almost everyone in Hogwarts is under the effects of a love potion! I was going to get Snape to brew an antidote that I could put in our drinks tonight so everyone would stop being crazy!" Lavender beat her hands on his chest in anger. "And now, I'm just going to have to live my life running away from that group of Slytherins stalking me…and I went upstairs, and they've broken out of the room, so it's only a matter of time before they find me…"

"What are you talking about!?" Blaise pushed her away. "I'm getting out of here before that molester wakes up." He left, and Lavender sunk to the floor, feeling extremely put out.

----------

Zacharias loved being a fast runner.

And also, he loved being a good hider.

But he hated pretty much everything else. Especially today.

The day had started normally enough. He'd woken up thinking that maybe today, he'd tell Susan how he really felt, immediately dismissed this idea as stupid, corny tripe, and decided instead to spend the day being angry and annoyed that she didn't guess how he felt and throw herself in his arms.

Well, to tell the truth, that was only one of many, many things he usually found to be annoyed about. Today, however, was special, in that he had to make absolutely no effort to find fault in the world. As soon as he had entered the Great Hall, he had been mobbed by a large group of girls who had damaged his robes in their attempts to have their dirty way with him.

After hexing each of them silly, he went to sit with Susan and pretend not to notice her, as he did every morning. Susan spent the entire meal rhapsodizing about the divine perfection that was Pansy Parkinson.

What? Had he missed something?

Just when he was ready to walk across the great hall and cut out Pansy's eyes with his butter knife, if only to stop Susan's soliloquy on their beautiful passion and wonderful almond shape, something more horrible than anything that had ever happened to Zacharias took place.

He was pulled to his feet by Ron Weasley, and just as he was about to start a speed insult barrage to blow off steam, and also to teach him not to touch people who hated all other people, the redheaded Weasley tilted him back and kissed him full on the lips.

Zacharias was sure he could spend a week cleaning out his mouth and still feel dirty.

After that, chaos had broken out, and he had ended up running away, chased by an army of followers led by an extremely determined Parvati Patil, who made sure to hex Ron on her way after the object of her affections. For this, alone, he considered her probably the one he hated the least. But after missing all his classes all day because he was busy running and hiding, he had decided that he hated every last one of them with a passion that he normally reserved only for those he considered his sworn enemies. But today was special.

Then, as if he hadn't been traumatized enough that day, his attempt to hide up near the entrance to Gryffindor tower had resulted in Professor McGonagall finding him. Which had seemed fine until she tried to have her way with him.

Now, he was down in the dungeons, hoping to put that horrendous memory out of his mind. Carefully, he slipped into a quiet room and closed the door behind him, sliding to the floor in relief at the temporary respite.

"Who's there!?" Lavender Brown leapt to her feet, her robes a mess, and her usually well-kempt hair something of a cloud. "Oh, it's just you."

"Just me?" Zacharias snorted, but didn't bother to stand. "Actually, you don't know how good it is to hear someone who doesn't want to get in my pants."

"And…and you…are you in love with anyone?" Lavender asked, cautiously optimistic. "Only…you seem sort of normal."

"What kind of question…well, actually, with the day I've had, that's a surprisingly valid question. No, I'm not." He answered readily.

"Except Susan Bones, right?" Lavender narrowed her eyes suspiciously.

"Why would you ever think…I never! I never said…ludicrous!" he stood up and crossed his arms angrily.

"Okay, yeah, you're normal." Lavender sighed in relief, and then brightened. "Hey, how are you at Potions?"

"Why?" he narrowed his eyes at her.

"Because, if you want Susan to stop being in love with Pansy…not to mention your army of fangirls…and guys, you'll need to help me make an antidote." Lavender advised him.

"I do not help people." He advised her.

"You help yourself, don't you?"

----------

Luna loved when people underestimated her.

It was the only reason she maintained such an air of spacy incompetence, because she could be sure to be in a lot of situations where people would be surprised for her to have even a normal level of competence. It was the reason McGonagall couldn't have hoped to use a simple locking charm on the door to keep Luna in a classroom while she left to get the girl's school robes.

Almost three minutes later, Luna was strolling down the halls almost as if she didn't feel freezing in nothing but her bright yellow bathing suit. She had a goal in mind, she just had to find Draco. Clearly, her last attempt had failed not through a fault in her strategy, but because she hadn't been given enough time to properly seduce him. She was determined to have him, and until that happened, she would not rest.

With Draco's location as her target, Luna went first to the dungeons, hoping to get into the Slytherin common room, thereby gaining entrance to Draco's own dormitory. However, she was waiting for nearly an hour before anyone came out, and they clearly found her far too suspicious to be allowed in. She attempted to listen in to the pair of Slytherins entering the room later, so she could learn the password, but they saw her lurking in her less than subtle outfit, and were careful to whisper the password so she couldn't hear.

Finally, giving it up as a lost cause, Luna decided to try and locate him in one of his classes. For some reason, she didn't know her true love's schedule by heart, which she felt was probably something she could work on in the future. In the meantime, she just wandered around the school, peering into classrooms and causing quite a sensation as she looked for Draco in her swim suit. Some of the teachers seemed upset, probably because they were jealous of her enviable love affair with the greatest wizard she had ever loved. She wasn't sure he was just the greatest wizard ever, that was probably someone old, who she wasn't deeply in love with.

Then, as she was starting to worry that she was going to go the entire day without finding him, or at least worrying that if she didn't give up pretty soon she'd miss dinner, she heard an earsplitting screech, and because she was a kindhearted soul, she couldn't help but investigate, although she thought as she ran toward the noise that it might all work out much better if she had a wand.

Oh well.

Then, running straight toward her in only a pair of trousers, his hands cuffed behind his back, she saw Draco Malfoy.

"Help me!" he called out, and knowing that he was coming to her for help in his hour of need made Luna feel her heart rising with joy. "Someone!"

"Draco! I'm here to save you!" she ran forward, her arms outstretched, and when he saw her, he stopped short, but with his hands restrained, he tripped and fell to the ground. Luna rushed to his side and kneeled over him, her heart beating furiously. "Draco, I love you!" she leaned down then, ready to kiss him as he began wriggling furiously, having a hard time getting up because of the handcuffs that were restraining him.

"Not you! Someone, help!" he nearly head butted her in his panicked attempt at escape, and Luna determined to make him see that he was safe with her, trying to wrap her arms around his frantically flailing body, but just as he was seemingly within her power, she heard something shouted, and felt the tingle of a spell hitting her.

She had been hit with a full body-bind, and though she wanted to hold Draco close to her scantily clad form and let him know just how she felt, she could not resist at all as he squirmed away and began laughing in relief at Luna's attacker, who was just putting her wand away.

"Pansy, thank Merlin." He looked completely worn out. "I've got these handcuffs, and they won't come off, and then I had to run away…you don't know how good it is to see someone I can trust not to molest me."

"What do you mean?" Pansy kneeled down, brushing Draco's hair out of his face lovingly, while Luna was powerless to do or say anything as Pansy put her hands all over her man. "You know what an opportunist I am."

"Ha, very funny," Draco laughed, trying to sit up, but having a hard time of getting his balance under control. "Here, get these cuffs off me, and we'll go back to the dungeons. It is not safe to be without a shirt today, of all days."

"Why don't we go back to the dungeons, but let's just leave those on," Pansy smiled wickedly. "And I don't see what you'd need a shirt for. Not with what I'm planning."

"P...Pansy?" Draco sounded as though he was on the verge of panic. "But…I thought you weren't under any…any potion."

"It would seem that way to you, because you'd actually think I'd speak to you the day after you crushed my heart." Pansy giggled lightly. "But I knew what had to be going on as soon as I woke up and felt ridiculously forgiving toward you. Honestly, the only reason you couldn't tell I was out for you was that I'm sneaky, and that I've been out for you since our first year. It's easy to pass it off as normal."

"Oh…no, please no." Draco sounded as though he might start crying as she cast the levicorpus charm on him and began floating him happily back toward the dungeon.

"Stop right there." A familiar voice rang out after she'd only gone a few steps, and Luna wished she could turn her head so that she might be able to see what was going on.

"You!" Pansy turned on the intruder, and when he stepped forward, Luna saw that it was Harry Potter. "Back off. I loved him before some stupid Valentines prank. If anyone deserves to have a go with him, it's me! I did everything he asked, for all these years, and I tried to be the best I could for him, and what do I get in return? He tells me that it's never going to happen, because he just prefers blokes! What the hell!?"

"Calm down, Pansy." Harry's voice was cold as ice as he stepped forward. "Just put the wand down."

"No way!" she shrieked, stomping one heel furiously. "And stop moving toward me! I'll curse you so badly you'll be in the Infirmary for the rest of the school year!"

"Pansy, do you really want to duel me?" Harry's voice was so deadly calm; Luna felt a chill run through her, even though it wasn't her that he was facing down. Of course, this was what Harry did, so it was natural that he'd be able to intimidate his opponent without even casting a spell, but she was surprised that Pansy was standing her ground, even though her wand was currently shaking very badly. "Do you think you'll win? Do you think Draco is some sort of prize for us to fight over?"

"How can you talk like you actually care about him!?" Pansy had tears in her eyes as she challenged Harry. "You're under a potion, same as me! But the difference is that I actually cared about him yesterday! And when the potion is gone, I'll still love him, even if he'll never love me back!"

"Pansy, if you love him so much, why don't you try treating him like a person?" Harry asked. "Why don't you try being his friend, even if that's all you can ever be? When you love someone, it shouldn't matter how they feel about you. It should only matter that they're happy. Do you think he's happy right now?"

"Considering how much he loves his ego stroked, I'm sure some part of him is completely ecstatic." Pansy grumbled. "You just want to have him for yourself!"

"No, I don't." Harry smiled then, and somehow that did what nothing else could, and Pansy relaxed, dropping her wand and stumbling back against the wall. She let out a deep sob, and slid down the wall to rest her head in her arms. "I'm sorry," Harry told her as he walked past her and leaned over a flabbergasted Draco, who gazed up at him in shock as he easily broke the magical lock on his cuffs, and took the robe that he was wearing over his clothes off, handing it to the Slytherin. "Here. Sorry for the trouble."

"I…you're acting…different." Draco narrowed his eyes at Harry as he put the robe on, which Luna thought was a shame, because it ruined the view entirely. "What happened to you?"

"I just see things a little more clearly now." Harry smiled warmly and put his wand away. "Like I said, I'm sorry for all the trouble. If you go to dinner, I'm sure that by the time we all finish dinner, you'll see that things will be back to normal."

"Just…just like that, you save me and you don't want anything?" Draco was utterly confused, and he stepped closer to Harry, as though trying to see some sinister plot hiding behind the emerald eyes.

"What should I want?" Harry asked, his voice completely serene. "It's enough to know that you're all right."

And without any warning, Draco lunged forward, kissing Harry as his hands went to the sides of the other young man's face, holding it in place as he tilted his head, deepening the contact. At first, Harry seemed frozen with surprise, but then it was clear he was returning it, either by the noise of satisfaction he made, the way his arms went around Draco, or the fact that he was craning forward as the kiss continued for an interminable period.

"Okay, could you at least not do that in front of me?" Pansy sniffled and wiped at her eyes. "It's bad enough I can't have him, do I have to watch everyone else get a piece?"

"Sorry," Harry pulled back, his face a deep crimson. He looked as though he meant to say something, but couldn't do it, so he turned and began to rush away, but stopped as he passed Luna, releasing the body-bind and then continuing on his way.

"Did he seem different to you?" Draco asked Pansy, who let out an incredulous snort.

"Now I'm going to have to give you relationship advice?" she asked. "Life is not fair."

----------

McGonagall loved order.

When Lavender Brown had found her and insisted she was in need of an antidote for a love potion, she had been completely aghast, but that was nothing to her upset after she consumed the antidote, and reflected on her attempted seduction of Zacharias Smith. After an hour, a discreet thanks, and a couple memory charms (because honestly, what purpose would it serve for him to remember his professor like that) she had gone with both of the resourceful students to put the antidote in all the drinks being served at dinner, just to be sure that everyone got a bit of it. Anyone who had avoided the potion, such as Lavender and Zacharias, would not be affected, but anyone who had consumed it, would feel themselves to be much more normal within the course of minutes.

With that taken care of, and with Zacharias grumbling over her thanks and her awarding of fifty points to Hufflepuff for his selfless efforts ("I just wanted to stop people from climbing over me" he had protested, and Lavender had explained that he really hated being helpful) they had all gone to dinner, hoping that by tomorrow morning, no one would feel the need to speak of any of this ever again.

They told her that before they found her, they had cured a few other people, just because they ran into them or because of an immediate issue they presented, such as Snape, whose office they had commandeered to brew the antidote, and a few others. They had told everyone to make sure that everyone was at dinner, and Snape and her would be checking the attendance of the meal before making private rounds with antidote to anyone they didn't see in the Great Hall that evening.

Luna Lovegood was their in her swimsuit, which McGonagall didn't like, but she felt like it would be a lot of trouble to force the girl to change, and she couldn't leave the Great Hall for an extended period, since this was all rather important to the continued orderly function of Hogwarts. Dumbledore seemed not to even notice anything was out of sorts, but he did make several comments about how much he loved a good holiday, so she wasn't sure how much he knew.

Just as she was preparing to go down to dinner, she decided to check and see that Snape had a full list of students, and so she went down toward his office, but saw him before she reached her goal, speaking in a low tone to Tonks in the corridor, and as she debated about leaving or just discreetly standing behind the corner, he handed her what was unmistakably a valentine.

"Er…wow." Tonks was clearly surprised by this just as much as McGonagall was. She had opted to hide behind the corner. She couldn't help it if she could hear them speaking. "This is unexpected."

"There's a poem." He told her in what Minerva recognized as his "friendly" tone from the three times in her lifetime she had ever heard him use it.

"Ah, so there is." Tonks looked distinctly uncomfortable as she read it aloud. "Roses are red, violets are blue, everyone is vile, but I don't hate you."

"I'm not much for poetry, I admit." He shrugged slightly.

"Um, no, it's nice." She gave him her best smile. "Very sweet of you. Thanks." And then she leaned over and gave him a quick peck on the cheek. "You're a good friend, Severus."

"Yes, well…" he trailed off, and she fled the scene with a quick excuse. At this point, McGonagall felt free to reveal her position.

"That didn't go quite how you'd hoped?" she asked, after ending a brief debate over whether or not she would confirm his fears that she had witnessed everything. "You should have gotten her flowers."

"You think?" Snape asked, but then he caught himself and put his features back in their normal, ill-tempered arrangement. "I mean…I don't care."

"Yes, all right, Severus." McGonagall smiled at him. "Just as an aside, I've heard that girls fancy flowers. It would have made your intentions a bit more clear, as well."

"Would you shut up?" he grumbled, and they both went to the Great Hall together. As they sat eating and trying to keep track of the students to make sure everyone was there, Ernie Macmillan stood up and tapped his glass with a fork.

"Oh for the love of everything…" McGonagall rolled her eyes at Snape. "They're doing that blasted play."

"I thought that was some sort of prank. Isn't there some prank war on?" he asked, checking students off his list and seeming to glare at everyone.

"Yes, which probably explains that love potion, but the play is, unfortunately, something they really intend to do." McGonagall answered. "Though why they're wasting time on this tripe when they could be studying is beyond me. Most of them have NEWTs to think about."

"Well, the lot are complete dunderheads, they'd fail no matter how they studied." Snape opined as what was clearly a very disorganized presentation began. "Are they…wearing bed sheets?"

"I believe they are."

The play was a complete farce. It seemed that only Ernie and Ginny were trying to do it properly. Luna was still in her swimsuit, and refused outright to wear a sheet over it for the performance. No one seemed to know their lines, though considering the fact that Ernie wasn't technically done with the script yet, it wasn't horrid. There was a fair amount of ad-libbing, and everything seemed to be going along at an only moderately painful pace when a third year stormed the stage to try and ravish Ginny Weasley. Among her shrieks of protest, mass chaos broke out, and it was clear not everyone had had something to drink yet.

"Enough! Everyone to your seats!" McGonagall was struck by a sudden idea. "That was excellent, Ernie, thank you for your hard work." She lied neatly. At least now she wouldn't have to continue watching the play. "A toast, to a most interesting Valentines Day!" she raised her glass, and though there was clearly some confusion about the sudden toast, the students feared her too much to resist, and when all the professors raised their own glasses, she finally took a great drink, as did everyone else. Feeling pleased with herself, she sat down. "There now, that's over with."

"Yes, now they'll just have shameful memories of chasing each other around in a lust-filled cloud of mind control." Snape snickered. "It's as if none of it ever happened."

"Oh Severus, should I fetch Blaise for you?" she shot back at him, and he went instantly silent, taking great interest in his plate.

Finally, everything was in order again.

----------

Blaise loved being himself.

He remembered what had happened that day, certainly, but it didn't bother him to know that he had been lusting after Draco. At least he'd been trying to get with someone he'd shag in a heartbeat in any case, so that was all right. And he had learned something very interesting that day.

"So, you're into tying people up then, are you?" he was walking with Nott to the Infirmary, as it was finally his turn to be treated for his particular affliction. "I could be in to that, if you really do fancy blokes."

"Nott, Blaise, have you seen Draco?" Pansy raced up to them. "I've been looking everywhere, I wanted to talk to him, now that we're all feeling…better."

"No, haven't seen him. Just taking my good friend to the Infirmary. He'll be making disparaging remarks before the end of the night." Blaise planted a loud kiss on Nott's cheek, much to the other boy's apparent rage.

"Good friends? You two, ha!" Pansy laughed and shook her head. "Two hours ago you were throwing chairs!"

"For the love of a good man, I'd do almost anything." Blaise admitted. "If anyone should understand that, it should be you, Pansy."

"Okay, very funny." Pansy glared at him. "I'm going back to the common room. If you see him, could you hold off ravishing him for two minutes just to let him know I need to speak to him?"

"That wouldn't take two minutes, but for you, I'll try." Blaise waved at her as she left, and then he continued forward with Nott "You know, I almost like you better this way." He easily ignored the glare his companion was shooting at him. "You're much more amiable."

"Blaise…Nott! Um, hello." Ginny Weasley ran into them just outside the infirmary.

"No, I haven't seen Goyle anywhere." He told her, and she went so red that her hair seemed dull.

"I wasn't looking for Goyle." She shook her head and grimaced. "I can't believe…ugh, no love potion should make you that blind."

"It would be better if you'd gotten at him. Then I could have some excellent blackmail photos taken by that…what's his name…short, squeaky voice?" Blaise snapped his fingers as they all three continued the last bit of the walk to the infirmary, and Nott left them while he went to get his tongue fixed. "You know the one."

"Colin Creevey," Ginny grumbled. "Look, Blaise, I came here looking for you. I heard that you were going to the infirmary for something, and I wanted to speak to you."

"Don't worry, I'm not jealous of Goyle." Blaise advised her. "My hair is much nicer."

"Look, this day…has been the worst day of my life. But it's made me realize something important." She told him. "I sat in my room, thinking of what could possibly make me smile after such a miserable day, and I didn't think of what you might expect. I mean, the theory of Harry is really the thing I like, but what I really want when I'm feeling down, or lonely, or like I need a twenty hour shower, is you."

There was a long silence, and Ginny began to feel uncomfortable. "I'm not saying I want to marry you or anything, and I know that we had…kind of an understanding, you don't ask about what I do behind your back and I don't ask about your forays. And…I guess if you want to do it like that, I will, but I think that…well I think maybe this could work for real."

"You know, if you wanted a good snog, you just had to ask." He told her, brushing a strand of hair behind one of her ears. "You don't have to promise me anything."

"I wanted to." She leaned forward, and he wrapped his arms around her. "I wanted to be honest with you."

"Well, the truth is, you're going to have to watch your back." He told her softly. "Because I have a massive following of girls and guys who will be rather upset to see me off the market, and it's all your fault."

"Really?" she smiled hesitantly, unwilling to believe anything good could be happening that day.

"Really." He nodded. "I think you should know, though, because I don't want you thinking I kept it from you, I've snogged every girl in the fifth year. But, if it makes you feel better, you were by far the best."

"Well, that's fine." She shrugged. "I already knew. One of my roommates thinks you and her are meant to be. And besides, I've snogged Draco and Nott."

"Nott snogs?"

"Quite well, actually." She answered. "Plus, then he doesn't talk, so that's the best time to be around him."

"Nice," Blaise licked his lips. "Would you be upset if I gave him a go?"

"Funny."

----------

Hermione loved Ron.

But mostly, she wanted to punch him. He still didn't seem to care about Seamus and her, and she'd decided to just end that farce before it caused any real trouble, beyond what she'd been through that day.

"So I hope you aren't too upset," she told him, feeling rather bad. "But it really isn't working, and I didn't want you to expect anything…"

"Oh, no, don't worry about that." Seamus laughed. "That was the love potion, though it was odd, actually liking a girl." There was a long silence, and he laughed brightly. "I thought you knew?"

"No, but now a lot of things about Dean and you make a lot more sense." She answered, flushing deeply. "Hey, was that the secret you were going to tell me earlier today?"

"No, I was going to tell you that I'm a werewolf." He shrugged nonchalantly, as though the news were no more exciting than whether there was turkey or ham for dinner. "Thought, you know, if we were getting married, you'd probably find out."

"You're…what? Since when?" she couldn't believe she'd missed something that seemed so obvious now. "How?"

"Well, you recall Professor Lupin?" Seamus asked. "I had a bit of a crush on him. Actually, that was right around when Dean and I…well, never mind that. But I thought I'd try to seduce him…it was a stupid idea, I was only thirteen, but I thought he'd go for it. Anyway, I got into his office, which was locked, and there he is, a wolf, all curled up and quiet, but I didn't realize it was him, see, and when I went to pet him, because I thought it was a pet or something, he jumped about a mile and accidentally scratched me. It was a bit awkward after that, trying to keep it under wraps, though I had to tell Dumbledore, just so we could, you know, handle things properly."

"Ah." Hermione couldn't think of what else to say. "Well, I had no idea."

"Yeah, I manage fine. Snape makes me a potion, makes everything easier." Seamus shrugged as though he honestly felt it was no big deal being a werewolf. "But it'd be better if you didn't tell anyone."

"I won't." she promised, standing up and hugging him.

"I've got to go. Dean's annoyed at me for coming to see you." He admitted.

"Thanks for that, tell him I'm sorry." She smiled, and he nodded, leaving the library. Hermione looked over her books and decided she just didn't feel like studying. It had been a very long day. Just as she was sweeping up her things, Luna Lovegood emerged from an aisle, still, for some reason known only to her, wearing a bathing suit. "Hey Luna, aren't you…cold?"

"A bit." She admitted. "But I like it, and I'm going to see how long I can wear it before someone forces me into real clothes."

"Today was some day, wasn't it?" Hermione smiled in vague embarrassment as she recalled her own behavior. "I wonder who played that prank, it was really clever, even though it was so horrendous."

"Oh? It wasn't supposed to be a prank." Luna told her. "I just thought it would liven things up and get everyone in the spirit of the holiday."

"You did it?" Hermione hissed in shock.

"Yeah, it was fun." Luna shrugged. "I had to make all these different batches, and then I put some on all the cupcakes they served the night before. I figured that was best, because I didn't want the teachers doing anything with students. I figured only students eat cupcakes. Guess not."

"So that's why some people were fine!" Hermione laughed out loud. "I can't believe that was you. You know, Luna, you're really a much better witch than people give you credit for."

"I know," she smiled softly.

"I just have one question." Hermione continued. "Why did you eat one if you knew?"

"I like chocolate."

Hermione sighed, and not knowing what to say to that, she left to go back to the common room and change Ron's hair back before he hunted her down. The work she went to for that boy…

----------

Draco loved the stars.

There was something about them that reminded him of what he tried to be. They were cold and precise, and they held a power over everything that was intractable. They were eternal, it seemed. It calmed him to sometimes go out on the Quidditch Pitch, lie on the cool grass, and stare up at the sky, watching their steady glow and flicker as they moved ever so slowly through the heavens. It helped him to think.

When you love someone, it shouldn't matter how they feel about you. It should only matter that they're happy.

What should I want? It's enough to know that you're all right.

The words echoed through his mind and he sighed heavily, trying to make sense of what had happened in the corridor between Harry and himself. Why had he kissed the Gryffindor? He wished he could blame it on a love potion, but he hadn't been under any magical influences. Maybe he was just too knew to this idea of preferring blokes, and he was having a hard time being selective enough.

Or maybe, he'd seen something there in that corridor that touched him. Maybe the words Harry had said were what his heart had wanted to hear. Maybe he felt something for his rival other than enmity. And what he kept coming back to was the question of why Harry that evening had seemed so very different from Harry that morning, under the full and clear sway of the love potion. He should have been the same as the others, determined to get in his pants no matter the cost and no matter Draco's own opinion on the matter.

"Mind if I join you?" Draco wanted to be surprised to hear the voice he knew so well, but he somehow felt as if this was a predetermined meeting. Maybe when you thought of someone enough, your heart called to them and they couldn't help but answer. Maybe he was catching a chill, because he was clearly thinking crazy things.

Or maybe he should just try to be open minded.

"All right." Draco answered, and glanced over at the young man stretched out in his spare set of robes next to him in the grass. "If I knew you'd be here, I'd have brought your robe."

"It's fine." Harry answered smoothly. "I've got these as well."

"I was thinking of you just now." Draco surprised himself with the admission.

"Oh?"

"It just seems odd." He forced himself onward. "You were so needy and obsessive this morning. But in the hallway with Pansy, you seemed to be completely in control. It seemed like you weren't under the potion any more."

"I wasn't." Harry admitted after a long pause. "I ran into Lavender and she gave me the antidote that Smith and she had brewed. I was headed back to my room when I came across you."

"But…so you were still a bit under the potion?" Draco was not sure why his voice was wobbling. Maybe he'd really caught a chill after all, and he was becoming ill.

"Why would you say that?" Harry asked.

"You kissed me." Draco answered so softly he wondered if the other could hear him. For a long time, they were both silent, and he thought that Harry really hadn't heard him, but then he spoke once more.

"You kissed me first." Harry reminded him. "And you definitely didn't have any love potion in you."

"No…but I…well, I'm not sure why…" Draco stuttered a bit and stumbled over his words, but when Harry's hand touched his hesitantly, he turned to face the brilliant green gaze.

"Sometimes, you do things because they feel right." Harry's voice was as soft as Draco's had been a moment ago. "You don't have to be under a potion to want to kiss someone."

"Well, you'd helped me, and then what you said…and I thought," Draco tried to explain again.

"You don't have to have any sort of logic behind something like that." Harry told him, and they both fell silent for a long while. Draco carefully laced their fingers together, and felt heavily encouraged when nothing bad happened.

"Since when do you know so much about this?" he asked, a small smile on his lips.

"One of my best mates is a girl." He answered. "What? Doesn't Pansy ever teach you anything?"

"Well, she's taught me a lot about hair care, but if you ever tell her I've admitted that, I'll no longer be able to speak to you." Draco replied. They both laughed longer than the joke deserved, and as the noise faded, Harry's face came closer, and they were suddenly kissing again, and this time, knowing that they were both doing it just to do it, not because of any spells or obligations, made it seem that much sweeter.

"I only became gay yesterday, officially." Draco sighed slightly after they broke. "Couldn't I have picked an easier starter boyfriend?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Harry laughed slightly.

"My father already hates you. We've been sworn enemies since we were eleven, and we're on opposite sides of a war." Draco reminded him.

"Oh, that," Harry smiled vaguely. "I'd forgotten all about that."

"Yeah right."

"Just kiss me again." Harry leaned in, "We'll worry about the rest later."

Draco didn't think it was worth it to argue.

----------

The End!

----------

All right, and now, because she's exceedingly cruel, and you need to know the depths of her torture, here is the list jade drew up for me:

Twenty Five Challenges.

Hermione secretly wants to be a journalist and is contributing articles to Witch Weekly.

The Slytherins have issued a dare to the entire school. What the dare is can be anything.

Someone needs to be "born to kill". This phrase has to be said out loud by one of the characters.

The Slytherins have got to all be convinced (except Draco) that Draco is in love with Ron Weasley for some reason or another.

Someone needs to start singing 99 Red Balloons. Doesn't matter who.

There has to be one game of 'I Never', no determined length of scene.

Someone is secretly a werewolf and has been this whole time.

The title has to be 'Your Heart Was a Couch with No Cushions'.

Number 12 Grimmauld Place is being redecorated—Harry must have wallpaper, carpet, and hardwood floor samples, constantly looking over things and going a little bit crazy trying to find a window treatment that matches the pillows he's going to accent his couch with.

Luna Lovegood can only appear in a swimsuit, even though it's February and it's probably against the dress code.

Harry has a sex dream about Snape that greatly disturbs him.

Blaise spends the whole story determined to get the most valentines. If he wins or if someone else does, and who it is, is up to you.

Ron dyes his hair black.

Snape spends the whole story trying to give someone a valentine. Who it's for is up to you.

For V-Day, the school is trying to do a play version of the Tale of Genji. It's not going well.

Draco and Hermione are Head Boy and Head Girl but they CANNOT get together.

Zacharias Smith accidentally saves Valentine's Day.

"Two hours ago you were throwing chairs!" This line must be included.

All the indoor plumbing in Hogwarts has failed because of a first year screwing up really badly in Charms and no one can fix it.

Theodore Nott has burned his tongue on an Acid Pop that he was tricked into eating and therefore cannot speak the entire story.

One of the characters has a pair of magical handcuffs on and they can't get them off, nor can they reveal how they got them on in the first place. Whether or not someone frees him is entirely up to you.

Put ten characters names in a hat, pick three names, and write a love triangle between those three. Millicent, Seamus, Hermione

Draco finds out he's part Veela and won't stop reminding everyone.

Valentine's Day is Ginny's worse day ever.

A story from Ron's POV.

All of these are addressed, though I go into some a bit more than others, and clearly the POV thing was done as third person limited kind of POV, as I did through the whole story. Jade said that was okay, though, so I'm counting it as well met. Happy Valentine's Day, everyone. And yes, before you tell me, I'm well aware that this story is completely crazy. I'm just amazed that it has anything resembling continuity with all those freaking challenges.