It just served as a reminder. The feathered cape, the extravagant headpiece, everything down to the ring on her finger just served to remind her that it didn't matter what she did, what she tried to do, or what she thought she could, she would always be the Evil Queen.
Now she had nothing to fight for, nothing to give her the gumption to keep going. She always told herself it would get better but she had played out every possible scenario and all of them ended with her alone.
Henry had been enough. He made her want to change but she was always dragged back under. She was always rejected because of what she had done, right from the beginning. Before it was her mother's burden she carried, but slowly, painfully, and yet somehow discreetly it morphed into hers.
She turned into exactly what she was trying to run from. And it was shameful. She spent her life becoming what she wanted to run away from. And all this time she had found some way to blame Snow White.
Yes, it triggered it, and that's the part she latched onto but she could have, no, should have turned back at any point during her dark descent. But she didn't and that's what put her in this position. Alone, watching as everyone checked to make sure people were alright. Everyone was concerned for each individual safety.
She had woken up first, so she had checked to make sure Snow was alright but now, she had nothing to do but watch. She hadn't attempted to talk to her because it made her feel ashamed. And Snow had other people to check on, she didn't want to spend time talking to her when she could be talking to someone she actually liked.
That last thought almost made her grimace. It was a sad, sad fact, but true. Oh, so true in a way she never wanted to admit. No one would care if she walked away and died, not even her. That came as a shocking realization that she had been shoving away. Not even she cared.
No, she hated herself. She hated herself as much as everyone else around her. "You look lost in thought, don't you?" Tink sat down next to her on the log.
"That happens when you only have yourself to talk to."
Tink shrugged. "Well, now you have me, so tell me, what's on your mind?"
Regina remained silent. How do you explain self hatred as intense as she was feeling out loud? You don't. It simmers until it boils over and there's nothing left to hate.
"Is it Henry?" Tink felt wary about saying his name aloud. She wasn't sure how she was feeling in regards to that subject but she needed to talk or else there might be a relapse.
But that was the problem. Regina wasn't feeling about that subject. She was forcing the thought away and focusing on everything, anything else. "Regina, you can talk to me," Tink reassured, "You do know that, right? I'm here for you."
"Why?" That question shocked her. And the near innocence on Regina's face when she turned to her and said it shocked her even more. She was losing herself again, but this time in a different way. Now she was lost in self loathing and wondered how anyone could stand her.
"Because we're all we have," Tink answered honestly. She didn't fit in with the others. They were all too good, too straightforward.
"You should be with them," Regina said, still sounding detached and far away.
"Why? To exchange fake pleasantries?" Tink pulled a flask of alcohol out of the satchel on her hip, taking a big swing. "Not my thing." She offered it to Regina who shook her head. "Right, you don't do rum," Tink teased with a smile.
Regina smiled faintly, looking back to the crowd. They all look confused, but relieved. Everyone was okay and most were celebrating with a smile on their faces. She didn't deserve to be with them at all. "Why is that?"
"What?" Regina asked, usurprised that Tink seemed to be able to read her thoughts so clearly.
"That you don't do rum?" Tink clarified, surprised that that was the question that got more animation out of her than anything else.
"Oh. I just don't," she answered with a slight shrug.
"Any particular reason or are you just going to give me vague answers all night?" Tink prodded.
"The taste never...took with me."
"Fair enough," Tink answered, taking another swing. One of the fairies came over with a smile that faltered momentarily when the pair actually came into view, but was quickly replaced just as cheerily as before. Regina momentarily wondered if the faltering was because of Tink's company or the flask in her hand that was most definitely frowned upon by fairies.
"Hey, Green," the fairy said with a smile.
"Tink," Tinkerbell corrected.
"Tink," the fairy amended, "Blue was wondering if you'd like to come over and celebrate everyone's safe return with the rest of the fairies."
"No, thanks," she answered nonchalantly.
The fairy looked stunned. She clearly thought that Tinkerbell should be honored to be welcomed back after all she had done. And for her to just blow it off like that, for the Evil Queen,no less, is preposterous. Blue would not be happy.
"But, Green, Blue wants you to-"
"I appreciate the offer, Pink, I really do. But I don't want to," Tink cleared up. The fairy, clearly shocked, turned and walked away.
"Why would you do that?" Regina asked, coming out a little snarkier than she had intended. But Tink was just happy to see a little of her personality back.
"Because they're not my real friends," Tink said with a smile tugging at her lips. She wrapped her arm around Regina playfully, "you are."
"We are the most dysfunctional "real friends" in the Enchanted Forest," Regina answered.
Tink shrugged. "Someone has to be."