"Fighting The Shackles Of Guilt"
WRITTEN BY DAYNE DINNING
-One Shot Fanfic based around Aaron and his turmoil after being found not guilty. Inspiration hit had to go with it! It's kind of a, what if scenario. Might be short but enjoy I hope! Reviews welcome as always. Like? Don't? Let me know!
# Disclaimer – I do not own Emmerdale or any of the characters used.
He was free, the words "Not Guilty" echoed loudly inside his head, but they just caused more pain, he should not be free, he should be in prison where he belonged, well that's what Aaron thought. He'd killed Jackson, the man he loved, he'd realised during the four day trial that he had the rest of his life, and he didn't try hard enough to sway him.
His family however were ecstatic for him. But Aaron remained numb as he stood with his mum, Paddy and Hazel. The walls around him began to close in and he began to sweat, he couldn't breathe, the voices around him were just short of whispers to him. He reached up to his tie with shaky hands and he loosened it – but that did no good whatsoever. He began taking deep breaths and he slowly turned and walked along the corridor, his pace quickening with each step, and his breathing was in sync with his steps.
All three of them looked at each other, frowning. "Aaron!" Chas called after him.
"Aaron love!" Hazel shouted
Paddy was the first to begin following him, a stomach wrenching gut feeling hit him like a ton of bricks. They all knew Aaron didn't help his case during the trial and they knew how he felt, and him walking out after not saying a word didn't bode well.
When the closest to him exited the courts, Aaron was nowhere to be seen. He'd jumped into a taxi; he knew where he wanted to be.
Chas was stood on one of the steps outside the court, searching around, she panicked. "Where's he gone Paddy!"
"I-I don't know Chas, let's just calm down" he tried to ease the situation. "I'll go get the car..." Paddy quickly hurried off.
"Calm down?" Chas raged. "How can I calm down? He's not grieved yet Hazel" she sighed, her face twisted as the emotions were clear. "He's went through all that for days and god knows what is going through his mind, but I'm telling you one thing, he won't run away from this, he has to grieve for Jackson" she was ranting. "If he hurts himself" she shot a look to Hazel. "I swear to god, I will be put in prison...this is all your doing!" she yelled.
Hazel hadn't had the best of times of it lately either. Some people seemed to forget that. "No Chas, actually if we go back, it's Aaron's fault! He caused the accident, destroyed Jackson!" she screamed. She had held it all together as best she could until now, under other circumstances she would never have said that, she didn't even blame Aaron.
Chas' hand impacted Hazel's face with sheer force.
It knocked her head to the side and she instantly put her hand to the imprint on her cheek trying to stop the stinging. "I-I-I'm so sorry Chas, I didn't mean that, I've never blamed Aaron, not ever"
"Didn't stop you saying it though" Chas countered, as she turned away, watching for Paddy.
Hazel sighed. "My life's not a bed of roses Chas, you know that! My son is dead, I'm hurt, angry, I just lashed out." She explained.
"The car is here" was all Chas said.
Aaron was blank, the grass brushed under his shoes as he walked. The wind was high, he was cold but he wasn't really with it to care anyway. He sobbed as he walked – walked closer to the edge. When he got to the edge he looked down and the wind almost knocked him. But he secured himself firmly as he lowered down and sat on a rock.
The drop was way too far for anyone to survive. And he knew that, he'd came here with Jackson for a picnic one day, a while before the accident, that day was pure bliss, and the memory of it caused him to sob more.
"Why couldn't you just try Jackson? I know you said you had but why? Why did you have to leave? Life goes on Jackson and yours would have too, look at Steve, married, got a kid on the way – we could have had all that, well adopted anyway" he put his head in his hands as he cried. He rocked back and forth on the rock, a clear indication of how unstable he was.
"I didn't get sent down, obviously you know that, you're up there" he looked up to the clouds. He sighed, the aching pain within him wanted to crush him. "It hurts so bad babe, I wish I never took that drink from your mum's hand, I wish I'd poured it down the sink and made you fight through what you were feeling, but I didn't, and that's what is with me every day, the what ifs" he stopped to take a breath, he was working himself up too much.
"I want to go back to October, I know you never blamed me but I hate myself for everything bad I ever did to you, I was stubborn and it cost me you, if I could go back I think you know I would, you're the love of my life Jackson, and I need you here now, I can't function without you, this pain" he sighed shakily. "Its unbearable now, I need to get rid of it..."
"Think Hazel!" Chas yelled as they sat in the car after having no luck in the village.
Hazel sighed. "Uhh..Jackson once mentioned taking Aaron for a picnic on the clearing, as he used to call it"
"And this 'clearing' do you know where it is?" Chas asked.
"Yeah" then she breathed in with shock as she realised what it led too; a sheer drop.
Chas' lower lip quivered. "Oh no, Hazel please don't tell me..." she began to cry as she scrambled in a panic as she got into the car.
The car screeched away from smithy and Hazel directed Paddy up to this 'clearing'.
Aaron had been crying none stop, his arms clenched close to his chest, he was shivering and freezing. It felt like he'd been there days, waiting for Jackson to turn up. He was torn with guilt and it was eating him alive. He frowned as he heard a voice.
Chas was now scared, as she watched Aaron sitting basically at the edge as she walked towards him slowly. She spoke softly so as not to startle him. "Aaron love...its mum...what you doing here eh kid?"
Aaron stood up quickly and defensively. "Go away mum"
"No, not until your safe in my arms" she shook her head defiantly as she spoke.
Aaron laughed. "HA! You're having a laugh aren't you? Just go to Carl mum"
Chas knew better than to take that to heart. "You're just upset, and why? Because you didn't go to prison? What would that matter? The way you're acting you're in prison now" she sighed. "Look...Aaron...I know you loved Jackson..."
He turned to her with tear filled eyes. "Love" he corrected her.
"I know son, and I know this hard, he was your first love and I'm not going to lie, it hurts, you know that, Jackson didn't wanna be here anymore, and he knew you loved him, because what you did was the ultimate act of love to Jackson, you set him free" Chas was now crying. "You're my boy and I know I'm not the best mum but it doesn't mean I'm going to stand by and let you jump"
"But I want too, I want to be with Jackson"
And from behind Hazel spoke. "Jackson wouldn't want this Aaron; he'd hate to see you like this"
"Well why couldn't he just live? Life isn't all good!" he spat. "He's a coward! Running away! And now" he shook his head and turned, his back facing them. "Well he's just gone, because it suits him"
"Aaron you're talking like he's here..." Chas spoke quietly.
"That's because he is...in my head" he hung it sadly.
Chas' heart was breaking, Paddy was fighting the urge to cry, and he wanted to be strong. Hazel couldn't fight and the tears fell like a stream.
Chas fought back the lump in her throat. "That's good..." she let out a deep breath. "That's where he should be Aaron, all the memories, the good, the bad, in your head, your heart"
"Of all the times you've ran away from things Aaron, this shouldn't be one of them" Paddy spoke.
"It hurts so much, I set this ball rolling, the guilt's just too much, and then I killed him in cold blood, I'm a murderer, they couldn't even lock me up for fuck sake" he breathed.
"None of us wanted to see that happen Aaron and you have no idea how happy we all are..." Hazel added. "And Jackson wanted this love, you made him happy"
Chas agreed "It's going to take a hell of a long time son, for this to get a tiny bit easier, but we're all here you know that, every second and I mean that Aaron, you've come through a lot of crap over the years, we all of us together" Chas turned back to Paddy and Hazel and they both nodded. "Will help you through this, no one blames you for what happened" Chas hung her head, she had never been so scared and she was even more fearful over the fact this wasn't working.
He hadn't said anything for a while and he hadn't turned around. But she knew she wasn't leaving here until he had. It began to rain.
"Jackson always liked the rain..." Aaron spoke quietly.
"Well, take it as a sign, that he's watching and he can't bare this and he's telling you to go home, inside" Chas was desperate.
Aaron shook his head.
"Aaron!" she yelled. "I'm not losing you, so get your backside over here now, I love you Aaron"
Then out of nowhere the clip of Jackson Aaron replayed over and over after his death echoed in his mind. "...Because I do...I love you"
Chas watched as Aaron's shoulders relaxed, what did this mean?
"I love you too" he muttered. "I'll never forget, never you'll always be with me" he turned around with tear filled eyes, and walked slowly to his mum, his shoulders jerked up and down as he cried.
Chas took a few quick steps towards him and grabbed him and held him tightly in her arms, she wasn't letting go. Aaron could no longer stand and he fell to his knees, Chas knelt down on the floor with him. "Shhh" she soothed as she rubbed his head. "He'll be with you everyday" Chas now sobbed as she held him.
She knew, they all did, that Aaron's state of mind would take a long, long time to reach some state of normality, they knew he wouldn't forget Jackson or his feelings he had at this moment, but at least he'd be alive and surrounded by people who loved and cared about him, like Jackson would have wanted. He would NEVER be forgotten. He was the boy who made Aaron happy, he changed him for the better and Chas would always, always be thankful to him for that.
The End