Summary: Kirigakure. The Village Hidden in the Mist. Also known as the Village of the Bloody Mist. And my brother was Zabuza. OMC Self-Insert.

Warning: Very bad potty mouth. By OC. Always. Rating may change to M if I get too graphic.

Prologue

I planned how I wanted to die when I was seven. I knew I was going out with a bang, be it saving or killing hundreds (because I had decided to not rule out me going crazy) with my name sown in history forever.

Obviously I got counselling. She didn't last long.

However my point was there – I wanted to die for something worthwhile, a cause that would either benefit or hinder people. Yet, as what happened to everything, Karma took one look at my plan, laughed and then took a shit on it before doing the exact opposite of what I wanted. Figures.

Therefore, me dying at the age fifteen by falling down some stairs – that had only six fucking steps – was something I should've at least expected. It wasn't quick. It wasn't painless. And worst of all: it was embarrassing.

Yeah, yeah, I know, I shouldn't be focusing on 'embarrassment' when dying, but I was a fifteen-year-old boy. They may say girls worry about social groups more, but I'm sure that was done by some old sexist pig that had as many sexual encounters as I had (hint hint, not a lot). So embarrassment of me dying by falling down six steps was pretty high.

But still, I got sidetracked: I died. That was it, the end. I was Christian in the loosest sense of the world – as in I was baptised but did not believe a single word – so I assumed that death was the end, and if there was some form of afterlife, I would go to the hell (because, let's be honest here, I was a complete and utter shit bag), meet my grandpa (the most judgemental person in the history of life) and spend eternity being roasted like a delicious marshmallow with him telling me about how everyone was worthless compared to him.

So, with all this (theoretically) looming over my head, I really don't understand what the fuck happened next.

As soon as I had 'died' (because I wasn't really that sure I actually had anymore) I was in this… space, no other way to describe it. It was lukewarm, had the general feeling of relaxation, and was the most boring shit to ever happen to me. I don't know how long it lasted, but it felt like years. It almost drove me insane, but I found something to entertain me. Sometime down the line I was able to move my… limbs to hit the… wall. I had no idea about the specifics at the time (but now I knew I was actually in a womb) but it was pretty bland.

Then it was my birth. After experiencing it when I knew what was happening, it was no wonder babies cried during it. I war ripped out of this comfortable place by what felt like clamps on my sensitive skin, a gasp making me swallow some… mix of fluids I'd rather not figure out what they were, and then the strange hook at me stomach that felt like it was going to rip out my insides as I was pulled out.

And if that wasn't bad enough, I heard voices.

"...soreha otoko noko desu!"

"...kare ni Takakazu ni namae o..."

Japanese. That was just fan-fucking-tastic.

Takakazu. That was my new name in this life. And I knew I had been reborn because there was no way I could make this all up. First of all there was my family.

My mother was completely bat shit insane. She lugged around this ridiculously huge sword that sparked a memory from long ago, and somehow did everything with it – and I mean everything. She chopped vegetables, cut meat, threatened shopkeepers and other people, mowed down her enemies… All with the sword in one hand an me in her other arm. Yet, she was a pretty woman, with long black hair falling freely around her face, and dark grey eyes that reminded me of the colour of storm clouds.

My brother was also completely insane. He was only six years older than me – and at my current age of two – he was completely insane. He loved to wrap bandages around his mouth, and because he had out mother's black hair and eyes, he looked like a mental hospital patient. It also didn't help that, somehow at eight years old, he was the same size as our mother, and thus practically towered over all the other kids his age.

And, finally, there was me. I, unfortunately, also carried the crazy gene. I think it was hereditary. Anyway, I was a different brand of crazy. While my mother and brother was the 'bloodlust and murder' crazy, I was the 'see monsters that didn't exist' crazy (I found out what it really was later). For some reason, I saw strange monsters around certain people. My brother had one, my mother did her sword did, even I did. Yet, lots of people didn't. Shopkeepers, labourers, chefs… none of these had them. But because I was too young (and my mother too crazy) I didn't mention them.

My own monster was some sort of faceless man, abnormally thin and standing about nine feet high with arms that were so long they dragged on the ground, and he didn't have legs or feet. He just sorta… slid across the ground, always following me. He was a dark purple colour, with his arms turning blood red as you got closer to his hands.

"Taka-chaaaaaaan~!" My mother sang, skipping towards me in the park, causing everyone around me to give a wide gap. "Time to go home sweetie!"

I turned to see my mother, dressed in some strange clothes with a headband wrapped across her waist like a belt with four small dashes on. Her monster, a bulky blue woman with no head that turned to dust at the neck, followed.

"…last time I'll see my baby until I get back home." She chattered on. "But Yagura want us to purge another city. Apparently one of the kekkei genkai holders escaped there…"

For some reason, this was frighteningly familiar.

"Kaa-chan…" I started slowly, my Japanese still not the best. "What is your job?" Not what I wanted to ask, but it'll get me answers.

"I'm one of the Seven Swordsmen of the Mist!" She declared proudly before striking a pose, but I didn't pay any attention to that.

Kiri. Seven Swordsmen.

"Kaa-chan," I asked again, throat feeling dry. "What is Konoha?"

"Bah, that group of tree huggers? They're a waste of space. I'm glad we live in Kirigakure."

Kirigakure.

The Village Hidden in the Mist.

Also known as the Village of the Bloody Mist.

And my brother was Zabuza.

Fuck.

And there we go! My first Naruto, and first SI fic. Tell me what you think!

As this is the prologue, it's shorter that I'd like for a chapter but I'll make do.

Please review – I need feedback because I've never done anything like this before.

~Nom Nom :3