My Love For You Was Bulletproof, But You're the One Who Shot Me
By Draic Kin of the Balance
"Don't you try to blame this on me.
My love for you was bulletproof but you're the one who shot me.
And God damn it, I can barely see your name,
So I'll try to write it and fill the pen with blood from the sink." ~Pierce the Veil, Bulletproof Love
"He is yours. You're free to do as you please," I say. The atmosphere between Mary and me is heavy and solemn; the only other sounds in the room are our breathing and the crackling of the fireplace. My throat is tight; any minute now, I know I'll break, but I don't want Mary to know how much I'm hurting.
"I don't understand. What's changed?" Mary asks quietly. She sounds surprised, but not pleasantly surprised. I think I hear a tinge of regret and sadness in her voice, but I can't be sure. I take a deep, slow yet shaky breath, rapidly blinking back tears as I force myself to go on. Every moment is agony; the pain is beyond words, but I know I have to do this. I have to let her go. I can't be selfish with her.
"I cannot bear to see you in pain," I say quietly, "and I will not be the cause of any more suffering…even if your pain results from being kept from being with another man whom you desire."
"Francis…" Mary begins, taking a step towards me. I turn quickly to face her, warring against myself to keep my emotions in check. I shake my head furiously, forcing myself to meet her eyes. Mary is completely resigned and withdrawn; her pain is just as palpable is mine.
"It's best that you don't interrupt!" I exclaim. I close my eyes, feeling the familiar burn of tears. Mary's eyes are filled with sympathy and she is visibly trying not to reach out and comfort me because she knows that nothing she can do or say will make this easier on me. I never believed I would feel such crippling, agonizing pain since killing my father, but letting go of Mary hurts more than I ever believed possible. "It's not easy or pleasant," I confess, "and I'm not even sure if it's wise. You may remain at court with Condé with my protection." Mary opens her mouth to say something, but she instead remains silent.
"…But if you sincerely believe that your path to healing is at his side, I will not stand in your way," I tell her. "Don't make me regret this, Mary. For God's sake, be careful." I'm pleading with her now. We both know what would happen if she were to be caught with Louis; I would have no choice but to execute her on account of treason. "Just don't be seen with him," I beg her. "I will protect you as best I can, silence any rumors I'm able to." I shake my head. "If there is a child…" My voice breaks on the word.
"If we are caught together, you mean," Mary murmurs.
"But if there is ever proof—" I can't bring myself to continue. It hurts too much and the knowledge of what would happen if she fell pregnant with Louis' child is unfathomable. Mary is putting her life and throne in danger just by merely wanting Louis and we both know it. My mother almost died for it.
"I'm sorry we've come to this," says Mary softly.
"Well, it's as you suggested months ago," I remind her. "Let us hope that this allows one of us to be happy, at least." Without another word, I quickly leave the room, feeling the first tears streaking down my face. My breaths are ragged and I'm blinded by tears. I keep my head down, knowing that some of the lords and nobles here at court will be seeing me in the halls. I'm the king of France; I'm supposed to be their strength when they have none…but I don't feel strong. I wrap an arm around my chest as though I can physically stop my pain from overcoming me entirely.
I finally stumble upon an empty guest room at the end of the hall, and I hurry inside, slamming the door behind me. I lean against the door for support as I stop fighting it. The pain truly sinks in. It's over between Mary and me. She wants Louis; she is in love with him. Oh god. My wife is lost to me now. We are married, but in name only. She blames me for her attack; that is all she sees. I am forever linked to her rape and now, she longs to be with another and there is nothing I can do but grant her the freedom to be with him.
A sob breaks out of my chest as I let my tears come freely. I press a hand to my mouth to try to muffle my sobs; my entire body is shaking as I sink to the floor. I can't breathe through the pain; it hurts. It hurts so much and I just want it to stop. It physically hurts. I bury my face in my hands as I begin to weep.
I am truly, utterly and completely alone.
FIN.