.
From Ten
.
Post 7x15 speculation (spoiler free)
.
.
"Count back from ten for me, Kate."
.
Ten
.
She laughs, the sound spilling past her lips as Lanie smacks Espo lightly against his shoulder, and Castle startles beside her, his body arching away, his eyes opening wide.
She's just as surprised.
There was joy in their lives, happiness and hope, her mouth had curled with amusement over the smallest of things, but for a moment she has to search for when that was, when she was relaxed, carefree, whole.
Someone other than who she is now.
Alexis. The name lodges in her throat, her eyes closing on the scene. Her stepdaughter had brushed a goodbye kiss to her cheek, wonderfully shocking both of them, and she'd grinned at Rick, acceptance blossoming through her heart, shining a light on a shadow she hadn't realized existed.
"Kate?"
"Yeah, Castle?"
His throat works, his fingers reaching for her hand as she toys with the napkin adorning the Old Haunt's table, and she releases the material, twisting her palm up.
Opening herself up to his touch.
He must read the unspoken message - he's had practice after all - and his knuckles slide between each of her own, the barest of squeezes signifying that he's there.
He's there.
And she leans forward, eradicating the space between them, ghosting her lips across his.
"I'm here, babe."
.
Nine
.
"Katie."
Her dad's greeting breaks her resolve, the mantra she'd been repeating over and over this morning, that she can do this, face him, be here to witness the damage her hiding has done.
But she can't.
She hunches her shoulders, pressing her spine against the booth's seat as she attempts to still the flood of adrenaline, the twitch in her toes, the scream to run, but then he sits, his hands curled into fists on the table, his eyes glazing with unshed tears.
"It's so good to see you, Katie."
And her heart calms, her muscles relaxing, her feet settling on the floor of the diner.
"You too, Dad."
.
Eight
.
She strolls through the precinct, elevating her chin half an inch, because she can do this, walk these corridors, be on this floor, do her job.
It's what she's been telling everyone for weeks, and she will do this. There's no other choice.
The click of her heels stutter as she rounds the corner, the waiting area quietly empty before her, and she swallows, breathes, continues the façade.
She can do this.
Dr Neiman's face looms though, the way she'd sat waiting, watching, the hint of triumph tugging at her twisted mouth. Kate hadn't understood then...
She understands now.
"Detective Beckett. Kate. It's good to have you back."
Spinning on her toes, she straightens her shoulders, looks her Captain in the eye.
"It's good to be back, Sir."
And lies convincingly.
.
Seven
.
Castle hovers by her in their bathroom, the glances her way hidden poorly by his attempts to look busy, his fingers fluttering over the toothbrushes, repositioning her makeup.
"I'll be fine, Rick."
She attempts it, tries to conceal her impatience, the shiver crawling up her spine, the fact that of all the things that she is, fine really isn't one of them.
"At least they're letting me back. I'll be there at the precinct too."
Smiling - does that count as a smile? - she pats him on the shoulder, stilling the urge to snatch her hand away, to step back from the touch.
"Exactly. We'll be together."
At first she'd been so thankful that he wasn't there, wasn't witness to the pain that had sliced through her body, but by the end...
She'd wished that she wasn't alone.
.
Six
.
"Do you think that you're ready? To go back to work? To go back to what you considered 'normal' life?" Dr. Burke's smooth, placid tones fill his office as he asks each question, his chin resting on top of his angled fingers and she stares at the point they make, the indentation they create in his skin.
Flesh bends to a degree, flexes under pressure, until it can't.
And then it breaks, spilling open.
Shaking her head, she shifts her gaze, the open window drawing her attention away from her therapist.
It's so vast, so free outside the glass containment.
"I think that I can do my job to the best of my ability. That the circumstances are in the past and that in order for me to move forward, I need to get back to the life I had."
There was talk of the future, of their family growing, of being ready for more than just them, but how does she bring a child into a world full of monsters?
"And have you moved on from the past?"
"Yes."
Until she closes her eyes, then the screaming starts.
Her screaming starts.
.
Five
.
She stares into the dim grey of their bedroom, her eyes itching as her body craves sleep, her shoulders aching from the tension.
If she could just fall asleep...
But then it starts. The dreams, the reality, each moment replaying, the smell from that room clogging her nose, the taste of chemicals coating her tongue, the sound of metal pinging as the instruments rattled on the tray.
And she's there.
Even the light from their bathroom, left on as the seconds edge slowly toward dawn, isn't enough to chase the demons away. To chase them away.
And so she lies, eyes open, staring ahead as Rick shifts behind her, his body fidgeting, his own sleep just as elusive.
.
Four
.
She toys with the food on her plate, pushing the peas around in circles, the quiet at the dining room table heavy on her shoulders.
On all their shoulders.
The conversation between Martha and Alexis had tapered off, mundane sentiments about rehearsals and exams going nowhere, and now the four of them sit as she stares at her plate, at the dinner she can't eat.
Alexis clears her throat, the sound odd in the hush, and Kate pulls her stare off the shriveled vegetables.
"Do you want me to make something else, Kate? Maybe some pasta? Pasta would be better? Or soup? Soup fixes everything?" Her stepdaughter's words tangle in a mess, drifting across the table slowly until they slide through the fog of her mind, and she's forced to place them in order.
"I don't think it will fix this." She replies without thinking, Alexis' face crumbling, tears gushing in waterfalls before she flees from the table, and Kate lists her head forward, staring at her dinner as Rick's chair scrapes from beside her, his footsteps chasing his daughter's.
"I'm sorry." Whispering the words to Martha isn't enough... but it's all she has.
.
Three
.
"Kate?"
His hand dusts the skin of her back moments after he says her name, but it's not enough time, not enough warning, and she jerks forward, the water in the bath sloshing over the sides.
"Don't."
Don't touch. Don't look. Don't see.
The scars from the blade pull, her skin tight even with the water rippling her flesh. The tell-tale signs that she's been in here for far too long pucker at the tips of her fingers, the soles of her feet, and she should get out, have some dinner, stop hiding from the world.
But it's safe here, cocooned within the warm water, each refill of hot a mark of just how much time has passed.
"Kate. Don't run from me. Please. Don't hide."
His cry strips from her soul, her heart hemorrhaging at the way his plea cuts straight through to her greatest fear.
Turning, she inches her hand forward, edging closer to where his fingers rest on the rim of their tub, and not quite touching, she pauses, her gaze on the tiniest bit of space between them.
"Find me. Don't let me run."
.
Two
.
The swirl of red and blue dance above her, one after the other chasing each color around in circles, and she lifts her hand, her fingers attempting to reach the light.
And failing.
"Kate. Kate, you're going to be okay. Just stay with me, okay? Just stay with me."
Rough hands tug at her body, fire flaring across her skin, igniting an inferno, and a scream rips through the air. Her scream.
"Kate. Oh, God, Kate. It's okay. They're just trying to help. Kate, you're in the ambulance. Honey, you need to stop fighting them."
The acid expands eating her whole, everything rocking from side to side, each shift in motion another volcano erupting within her body.
And the screaming starts again.
"We're going to have to sedate her."
Sandpaper grates through her ear, a sob smothering her face, and she closes her eyes, the pinch penetrating her skin familiar.
"We'll meet again. Don't know where. Don't know when."
.
One
.
She twists against the restraints, the bands holding her to the table iron like in their grip, but her struggles are for nothing. There's no movement, no space to shift in.
Footsteps sound from her right, the click of each heel followed by the heavy tread of a boot, and she stares at the ceiling refusing to look their way, give them any satisfaction in their twisted game.
The blade skirts her vision, the surgical light catching the razor sharp edge, and she clamps her teeth onto the inside of her mouth, squeezing the gum of her cheek as she schools her features.
Castle will be here. Castle will be here in time.
A deep chuckle from her left brushes against her ear, a rope sliding along her neck, trailing up and over her cheek, but she holds fast. She can do this. She's looked the devil in the eye and won.
"Count back from ten for me, Kate. After all, this won't hurt a bit." The laugh is manic, the sound oozy across her exposed skin.
"It will hurt a lot."
.
Thank you to Jamie and Jo for their amazing beta speed xoxo
.
Thank you for reading xoxo