Kanan walked down the Ghost's main corridor towards his cabin, returning from a long evening of working on Chopper Base's perimeter defenses with Rex. He slowed as he reached Zeb's and Ezra's cabin, listening with amusement to Zeb's loud snores. Beneath that, the slow and steady breathing of his apprentice reassured Kanan that Ezra was sleeping easily; Ezra's nighttime unease over the last couple of months had awakened Kanan on several occasions. Sabine's cabin was, of course, empty, and Kanan missed the smells and sounds of her late night creativity. Her absence weighed heavily on the crew, but he knew that she had been right to stay with her family on Krownest.
When he reached the door of his own cabin, he paused, turning his face towards the cockpit. Hera was still sitting in there, just where he'd left her hours ago, working on a datapad. He could feel her weariness and frustration. Kanan sighed. When she wasn't working on missions, she was entrenched in the far less exciting side of being a Rebel captain: datawork. It was one of the very few things she tended to procrastinate about. Her ever-increasing workload had also contributed to widening the gulf that had opened up between them since his return from Malachor. Kanan didn't try to fool himself, though; he knew that his six-month-long, deliberate detachment from her was primarily to blame. He was less clear on why he hadn't managed to directly approach the subject with her, however.
It wasn't that he hadn't tried, but he knew that he certainly hadn't tried hard enough. They were never alone, it seemed- whether because of Hera's workload, or her personal choice- or both- he could not say. And though everything appeared normal on the surface, their comfortable rapport and banter was subdued, and she never called him "love" anymore. He'd had no idea how deeply the absence of that simple, sweet term of endearment could hurt him.
But now, at this late hour, they were unlikely to be disturbed. It only took a second to make the decision. Kanan centered himself, and then headed towards the cockpit.
She didn't notice him step into the doorway, which was unusual; Hera normally missed very little. He could sense that she wasn't focused on whatever she was trying to read; her mind drifted, and she was having a difficult time keeping her attention on the task at hand. It seemed to him like a perfect time to interrupt.
"Hera," he said, and as always, the tone he used only when speaking her name reverberated in his solar plexus. He felt her sudden surprise.
"Kanan! I didn't even see you there."
"So I noticed."
He heard her set the datapad on the cockpit's console, followed by a rustle of her flight suit that suggested that she was rubbing her eyes. "How long have you been standing there?" she asked.
"Not long. I just got back," he replied. "Have you been sitting here this whole time?"
"It's all these messages...if I don't keep up with them, it takes me hours to get through them." She paused, and then said, "I didn't keep up with them." He heard a wry smile in her tone, and his mind immediately called up a memory of what that smile looked like.
"Do you want some caf?" he asked, trying to ignore the sharp pang he always felt at remembering that he would never see her smile again.
She was silent for a moment, considering, and then she said, "No. I probably won't get to sleep tonight at all, if I drink caf right now."
"Do you ever sleep, these days?" He tried to keep his tone light, but the words still came out sounding strained.
A heavy silence hung between them for a moment. Kanan's question indirectly addressed the fact that they had not spent a night in each other's company in quite some time- and they both knew it.
"Not as much as I used to, that's for sure. And not nearly as well, either," she said. He didn't need to see her facial expressions; he knew her so thoroughly that her tone told him everything he needed to know. This particular tone always accompanied a rarity: faraway, dreamy Hera. She was remembering something lovely, and he wondered if it was one of the many nights they'd fallen asleep sweaty and entwined in each other's arms.
Kanan pushed his own memories aside for the moment, wanting to focus only on her. "There's been a lot going on," he said. "You'd think that saving Mon Mothma's life would've earned you a vacation, but it seems like it only earned you more work."
She chuckled softly. "Rebellions aren't built on vacations, Kanan. But I sure could use a good night's sleep."
"Let me give you one," he said, in a low tone. The moment the words left his mouth, he wanted to regret them, but found that he couldn't. He missed her terribly.
A long pause. Finally, she said, "I still have so much work to get done." Her voice sounded uncertain, and he knew why.
Kanan didn't bother with preamble. "I pushed you away for such a long time, Hera," he told her, his voice unsteady. "I don't know what I can ever do to make up for that. I'm sorry."
She sighed, and he could feel pain radiating from her. "I can't truly understand or imagine what it was like for you, Kanan, but I understood that you had to go through it alone. I tried to give you the space and time you needed, and I did my best to wait patiently...but, even so, it was hard." Her voice cracked a little on the word 'hard', and it cut him to the bone.
"I know. I didn't think about what I was putting everyone else through...I know it took a toll on you. I left you to deal with everyone and everything on your own." His voice shook as he spoke. "Including Ezra. Especially Ezra. I shouldn't have done that. I should have been here, helping you, instead of out there, feeling sorry for myself. It was cruel of me to leave you on your own to deal with all of those burdens, and worse, my behavior just gave you another burden to carry."
She was silent for several long moments, and then she sighed again. "All of that is true," she said, in a gentle tone. Her voice was even. "And it was difficult- for all of us. But, Kanan...when you returned from Malachor, I knew it was going to be a long, hard road. You came back to us, though," she said. "That was the only thing any of us ever really wanted- the only thing I wanted."
"I did come back, but it took much longer than it should have, and now...I feel like there's this distance I can't cross between you and I, Hera," he said. "I miss you."
He heard her push herself out of her seat and take a couple of steps towards him.
"I miss you, too," she said, her voice low. "I'm here now, so...cross the distance."
Kanan felt a surge of warmth flood through his body, washing away the cold loneliness he'd felt for so many months. He reached for her, but she nimbly evaded him, instead taking his hand and pulling him into the corridor.
He heard her tap the button to open her cabin door, and when it opened, she pulled him through. She closed and locked it behind them, finally letting go of his hand as she turned to face him.
They stood a short distance apart, not touching. He could hear her quickened breathing, and feel her heart beating more quickly, matching the pace of his own.
"Can I take off your mask?" she asked. "It hides too much of your face."
He nodded, and a second later, he felt her fingers brush his cheeks as she grasped the mask and removed it. She traced the fingertips of one hand along the scar that ran across his face.
"It's not quite the same, is it?" he asked.
"No. But it's still beautiful," she answered, reaching behind his head to tug loose the tie around his ponytail.
Kanan took his mask from her hand, dropping it on the floor, and then pulled her into his arms. He bent his head, dropping light kisses along her cheekbone, slowly working towards her lips. He felt her arms circle him, and her fingers gripping his belt, as she pulled him more tightly against her.
His mouth found hers then, and he kissed her softly, brushing his lips against hers. She responded with sudden urgency, and it was clear that she wasn't interested in teasing. Kanan had no problem with that. He dove in head first, kissing her voraciously, with months of pent up longing fueling his intense desire for her. Their lips pressed and caught and slipped against each other, their tongues tangled. Their fingers worked into one another's clothing, quickly undoing the familiar buttons and clasps, shedding each piece into a pile around them. Their hands roamed hungrily over each other's bare skin.
Kanan broke the kiss suddenly, breathing hard. He felt dizzy, drunk with love. In his mind's eye, he saw her brilliant green eyes shining up at him, hazy with desire. He only had his memories of what she looked like this way, but he could feel her so much more strongly than ever before. She vibrated in the Force; she was like a bright light in his mind. She, too, was breathing raggedly, and her heart beat wildly against her rib cage. Kanan slid his hands up her back, and then took her gently by the shoulders, turning her so that her back was against him. He pressed himself against the roundness of her backside, running his hands over the curves of her body and up to cup her breasts, gently caressing her hardened nipples, making her breath catch in her throat. His lips traveled over her lekku, her earcone, and her neck, as he kissed and licked her skin. He moved his right hand over her belly, and down between her legs. She squirmed in his arms, sighing deeply as his fingers explored her, her hand reaching back to stroke him. He was so hard that her touch was almost painful. But he could feel her dissolving under his touch, and he wanted her to come undone.
Fortunately, years of loving Hera had taught him just how to do that.
He released her, taking her hand and pulling her toward the bunks. Grasping her waist, he lifted her onto the top bunk, sitting her on the edge. He heard her chuckle, and found her thighs already open and waiting for him. He pressed his lips against her knee, and then began kissing his way slowly up her inner thigh, running his hands up the outside of her legs. Her fingers twined into his hair as his mouth closed on her, and she let out a deep sigh. Kanan's hands moved to the backs of her thighs, and he pressed them upwards, opening her fully to him.
He kissed her slowly at first, moving his tongue in small circles, sucking gently, tasting her. Even though he couldn't see her, the way she held her body told him that she was watching him. On a ship as small as the Ghost, they'd both learned to enjoy themselves as quietly as possible; Hera's breathing patterns and barely audible noises had always told him quite a bit about how she was feeling. That certainly came in handy, now that he couldn't rely on reading her face.
He slid his tongue along the length of her sex, licking into her, his mouth working over her flesh. She bucked, moaning deep in her throat, pulling on his hair. The bright light of her in his mind sparked, threatening to burst into flame.
"Kanan..." she whispered.
"Mmmm?" he murmured against her, knowing she could feel the vibration of his lips and tongue. She squirmed, trying to pull away a bit, but he held her fast, sucking on her most sensitive places.
"Kanan, " she whispered again, more urgently, with a little bit of her Captain Hera tone. He knew what she wanted, but he was going to make her say it, even though his erection was nearly unbearable.
"Mmmmmffff?" he mumbled, his face buried between her thighs.
"I want you...now," she said in a low, breathless, husky tone.
He didn't need to hear more than that, and he raised his head to give her a wolfish grin. In one swift motion, he pulled her off the top bunk and into his arms. He sat down on the lower bunk, and Hera pulled herself into his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck and settling her mouth on his.
She straddled him, and he could feel the wetness of her pressing against him. He stifled a groan, instead focusing on kissing her deeply. A moment later, she slipped down onto him, taking him fully inside her, as both of them gasped against each other's lips. She slid up and down the length of him, slowly, and the feel of her was beyond all belief. He was practically insensible, completely undone by his love for her.
Hera broke the kiss, arching in his arms and throwing her head back, pulling on a handful of his hair. He bent his head to kiss her breasts, licking and sucking one, and then the other. One of his hands found a lek and caressed it. She rolled her hips against him, their bodies moving in familiar rhythm.
She leaned forward, pressing against him, and grasped his neck with both hands as she uncurled her legs from beneath her. She wrapped her legs around him one by one, and settled herself into his lap, moving more slowly. He knew that she was staring into his blind eyes, and he recalled countless memories of her brilliant green gaze, glowing with love for him. They were both slick with each other's sweat, and the noises they were both trying so hard not to make were getting louder. He crushed his mouth on hers, their suppressed moans causing their tongues to vibrate against each other as they kissed. Kanan felt the tension building within him, but he held it back, waiting for her.
Her muscles were taut, and he could tell that she was close. He deepened his thrusts, cupping her round backside in his hands. She broke their kiss, burying her face in his shoulder and biting nearly hard enough to break the skin. Her light in his mind was blinding as she clenched around him, and it burst into an explosion of white light as she came, moaning gutturally into his ear. His own body responded in kind, and he convulsed against her, shuddering in the aftermath of his own release.
Hera wrapped her arms around his neck, and he hugged her tightly, pressing his lips against her sweat-salty shoulder.
"I love you," he murmured. "More than anything, Hera."
"I love you, too," she said, her voice tender in his ear. She kissed his temple. "Your beard tickles."
He grinned against her shoulder. "Did you like it?"
She pressed her cheek against his, rubbing experimentally. After a moment, she said, "Yes. I liked it a lot."
"Guess I'll keep it, then."
He felt her smile. "That's okay with me."
"Do you think you'll be able to sleep tonight?" he asked.
"I think I might be able to. You weren't planning on leaving, were you?"
"The thought never crossed my mind," he said solemnly.
She leaned against him as she extracted herself from their embrace, and then she threw herself down on the bunk alongside him, holding out her arms to him. He turned and joined her, wrapping his arms around her waist and resting his head on her chest. Her fingers immediately tangled themselves into his hair, and she pressed her lips against his forehead.
Within minutes, her breathing had slowed, and he could feel her drift into sleep. He followed her soon after.
They dreamed of each other.
Author note:
Well...this is my first attempt at writing smut, and not surprisingly, it's more sweet than it is hot. I think that this kind of sex is their kink, though. The loving, romantic kind. I wanted to see if I could write it without using any cocks, cunts, etc. It was, needless to say, challenging.
I spent a lot of time thinking about S3 and Kanan's blindness- specifically, the impact on Hera. I already wrote a (non-smutty) one shot about this, from her POV. As a person who suffers from depression, I don't always appreciate the havoc it causes on my nearest and dearest (namely, my husband). These two fics were definitely informed by my trying to see the other side, being more understanding of what he goes through. He also helped with the smut writing, whether he wants to believe that or not (wink).
I've watched S3 twice now, and Hera and Kanan seemed different to me. It would be hard to believe that Kanan's being blinded didn't cause an issue in their relationship- it's a catastrophic event, especially given the situation and Kanan's position. There's a SIX MONTH gap between S2 and S3, too, where Kanan was just kind of wallowing in self-pity and not telling Ezra the whole thing wasn't his fault. I think Hera tried to be as supportive as she could, but you can hear the irritation and strain in her voice in the first episode of S3. There are several missions they don't work together on, and she never calls him "love"- until 'Zero Hour', that is. By 'Zero Hour', it seems like that closeness has been restored between them. So that's why this one-shot takes place before the end of the season.
Hope you enjoyed it. Listened to a lot of Jeff Buckley for this, mostly "Lover, You Should Have Come Over." And a little bit of "If I Ain't Got You" by Alicia Keys.
Also, this fic was inspired by Lorna Ka's Kanera art, which can be found at