Things I Couldn't Tell Her, If She Could Hear Me.
I do not own Blood+ and it makes me sad, deep inside.
Haji POV
We were taking refuge in a church that night, sleeping on the floor between the pews. Well, she was sleeping, her head resting on my shoulder. I simply watched, enraptured by the fact that she made something as simple as breathing beautiful. I knew I was in love with her, I had known for a very long time. I also knew how incredibly selfish it was for me to be so. I was Saya's Chevalier… my purpose was to serve her, and I was going to serve my purpose.
It was selfish of me to want her, to consider, even for a moment, the idea of disobeying her so I could entertain the stupid notion of eternity at her side. I did think about it, though. I thought about breaking the promise I'd made to her. She wanted me to kill her, with my hands… to kill her. I wasn't sure if I could be brave enough to kill her. I didn't know if I was self- sacrificing enough to take away my greatest source of happiness… my only source of hope. The only way to know was to let this event occur, let Saya kill Diva; help her to the best of my ability. I would not become Solomon, so obsessed with her happiness that I couldn't see what she had to do, that I couldn't see that she wanted this to end, forever. And I would not tell her I loved her. That would be the kiss of death, everything would change. The way she looked at me would change, the way she spoke to me; the way she felt she could rely on me, loving her would change all of that.
In all seriousness, I wasn't sure how we stood at all, she once said I was like family to her, and I was so sure that I wanted more than to be her family that I didn't think about what I actually meant to her. I was her chevalier… but even to that there were varying degrees. Was I a chevalier like James, like family? Like Nathan, there only for his queen? I knew what I was not though, I knew I wasn't Solomon or Karl, I would fall for none but Saya, I wouldn't even consider anyone else.
I knew that soon, the more optimistic part of me would tell me what I was to her, tell me that she loved me back. This optimistic piece of me had led me to do some of the stupidest things I had done in my life. The things that could have, or did, hurt either Saya or myself. But these things were done out of love, the most confusing and painful emotion I had ever felt. Love, the pang I felt whenever I looked at the girl sleeping in my arms. Love, the word I longed to tell her, the feeling I wish she felt for me. Love, the brave, foolish voice that led me to do the thing I did next. Breathing deeply, I pressed my lips as gently to her ear I possibly could and whispered, "I love you." The three words I could not speak if she were awake to hear them.