Waylon Smithers Comes Out As A Gay Man
aka
Wailin' Smithers
aka
Smithers the Smithers
Notes: "Homer the Smithers" is the title of an episode, which is where I got Smithers the Smithers from. Wailin' Smithers is just a play on his first name Waylon since he's sad in this story. This story notes that his biological father is dead, which was stated in the episode "The Blunder Years" (2001). There is also reference in this story to "Secrets of a Successful Marriage" (1994), where, in a flashback, Smithers declares he "couldn't keep his marriage together" because of his feelings for Mr. Burns, and "Bart After Dark" (1996), where his parents insisted he give the burlesque house a try (and Rev. Lovejoy's father was shown going there), and Who Shot Mr. Burns? (1995), where he mentions watching Pardon My Zinger. So logically this story would have to be set after those things happened. Also, "Won't somebody please think of the children!" is Rev. Lovejoy's wife Helen's catchphrase. I know they tried to do an episode where Smithers came out ("The Burns Cage", 2016), but he never actually said he was gay, so I wanted to do a story where he did.
"Hey, Reverend Lovejoy…"
"Ned, if that's you again I swear I'll skip all the begats in next week's sermon – oh. Hello, Waylon."
"Hi. Can we talk? I've been having a lot of problems lately."
"I suppose helping people with their problems is an unfortunate part of my job description. Come on in."
"Thanks. Fabulous curtains, by the way. So listen Mister, uh, Reverend…"
"I'm not in the pulpit now. You can just call me Sir."
"Well, Sir, I'm not really religious - hell, from what I hear you're not either - sorry, sorry, pardon my zinger…"
"Let's just get through with this before I miss the football game. What is it?"
"I never knew my father, to begin with. I know, that old cliché. My mother pretty much tuned out after his death. Just goes along with whatever my stepfather wants. And my stepfather – well, he isn't a bad man really, but when that's the best you can say about a person, it isn't much."
"I can top that. My own Dad spent more time at the burlesque house than at ours. Partly why I married Helen, you know – she's always thinking of the children. Have you ever been married?"
"Yes. To a - a beautiful southern belle, just the sort of woman Dad liked. She was so lovely, dammit, she deserved someone who loved her back. But I just couldn't. Not the way she deserved. Anyway, she divorced me a long while ago. And God bless her for it, really. As for the burlesque house, my parents didn't go there, but they insisted I go. They just can't face the fact that – well – that I'm gay."
"So what's the problem?"
"What?!"
"Look, Waylon, you should know by now you didn't pick your parents and sometimes you can't change them. Lord knows I can't change mine. You just have to deal with it the best you can – life isn't always an episode of The Waltons. And thank God, really, who wants to live like them anyway?"
"But what about God?"
"Well, it's right there in the King James Bible, Micah 6:8, 'He hath shewed thee, O man, what is good; and what doth the LORD require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God?' That's all. I know it's a pain reading the old doorstopper, but once in a while there's some good stuff in there."
"Well, thanks, Reverend. You've really been a great help to me here."
"You're welcome. Just don't get used to it. Especially when the Browns are finally having a good season."