"You're right, I won't make you do it."
He paused.
"Whether it's set in yet or not, everything is changing for you. There are parts of this that are going to be hard. Very hard. I can't change that. But there are a few things that I do know better about. There are things I wish somebody would have told me to do differently. And if there's one thing I could back in time and change…"
He trailed off.
"I had a girlfriend before this all happened to me. Long before. Sure we were teenagers but we were in love, really in love. It was the first time that I experienced that. Being in love with somebody, and all the joy and the hope and longing that came with it.
"We were going to get married. We talked about it and everything. I hadn't officially proposed yet. I was waiting until she finished up with school. She's dyslexic and she'd always had a hard time. She loved being on the track team but academics were always a special kind of torture for her and the reservation schools didn't exactly have all the right resources to make things easier. She kept it to herself for the most part because she didn't want to be counted out, but she was working hard at it. I knew for awhile there was nothing that excited her more than the idea of being done, but she even started mentioning that she was rethinking going to college and I was proud of her.
"I had it all figured out with her family. She had a little brother. He got picked on a bunch but she wasn't afraid to stand up to and even punch anybody that dared to bother him. It made people think she was a bit much, and she could be" he chuckled "but there was nothing that mattered more to her than her brother. They were close. It made me wish I had a sibling like that. Sure they bickered sometimes but they always had each other at the end of the day. He didn't warm up to me very quickly, but when he did we were close too. I think one of the times it really dawned on me that I was serious about her was when I starting thinking of him as my brother. I still do sometimes, as messed up as that sounds.
"Her parents got along. It almost seemed foreign to me at first. I never had that. The two of them balanced each other out well. Her father was a pretty easy going man, but he would clash a bit with his daughter sometimes. She was a lot like her Mom, very strong willed. As she got older she brought a bit more fire to the table than he could handle, but he loved her. She was named after one of his favorite songs. Always said she hated it. She's the only person I've ever met that doesn't like her name. Nobody even knew her by that first name, just a shorter version of it. She was sincere about not liking it and all, but I know it meant something to her at the same time.
"When I first phased I thought I went crazy, and when I came back and couldn't explain myself everyone else did too. For the most part I didn't care that much. I had a whole different perspective. But she was my anchor. She was the person I thought about that helped me center myself. And she knew me too. She knew I wasn't telling her the truth and she was never the kind of girl to accept that. She wanted to understand. She wanted to forgive me, and I just couldn't give her that. I knew it was a lot of stress on her. I really thought she was going to leave me. But she was even better than I gave her credit for. She told me she knew what kind of man I was. She was going to forgive me anyway, she was working on it. As crazy as my life had become I was so grateful to have her. She made me a better person for it. We were working it out. I don't think she'll ever know how much peace that brought me. She would give me another chance, even after I told her nothing and the rest of the reservation came to the collective assumption that I left to join a drug gang.
"And then one day, not too long after that I imprinted. I stopped by her house to pick something up. Her cousin, her best friend that she considered a sister, was visiting from Neah Bay. She was excited when she answered the door, that I would finally get a chance to meet Emily.
"And as she was in another room looking for something for me, I imprinted. I didn't know what was going on. I didn't understand. I didn't know what to say, or how to speak. I didn't say anything more to Emily that day. I just turned around a walked out of the house before I got what I came for. I ran away as fast as I could, before they could wonder where I went or follow me outside to look. I broke for the woods and I phased. I ran for awhile.
"I went back to her house that night. I listened before I went in. I could tell Emily wasn't there anymore. I did what I had to do. The only right thing to do. I broke up with her. I might have cried more than she did. She sincerely didn't understand. And I couldn't help her understand. I didn't understand myself. But I didn't want to ever be lie and I knew it wasn't right anymore.
"I'd go and I'd visit Emily. For awhile we just fought. She didn't want to want me. She was loyal. She loved her cousin so much. She didn't understand why she couldn't just send me on my way. Everyone always sees the sweet side of Emily, and she is sweet and kind, but she's got spice and spite to her too, especially when the people she cares about are involved. We'd fight. Usually it was just yelling, but all it took was one lapse in control. I really hurt her one day. I'll never live that down.
"The other girl I've been telling you about, her friend, my ex, she went to the hospital to see her. It was the right thing to do. She didn't really engage with me at all, but she didn't really seem all that shocked that I was mixed up in what happened. It was like she knew. I still don't know how. She didn't look comfortable talking to Emily, but she tried.
"Once Emily recovered, we agreed to give ourselves a chance. We couldn't make it go away, and trying had already cost us too much. For a long time I absolved myself of any guilt associated with leaving the other girl. It wasn't a choice I would have wanted to make, but… it wasn't my choice. I never cheated. I never did anything I didn't have to do. Even when other things in her life changed and we ended up having to be around each other I managed to put up a wall. I didn't want to go there. I imprinted. It wasn't my choice. She must not have been right for me, and now I had Emily, who was.
"She went through some really tough things. She really could have used a friend, and despite whatever awkwardness came along with being the exes we were never supposed to be, I could have been one. I made a little bit of an effort. She pushed me away, just like anyone would. But I didn't try the way that you do when somebody you love needs your help. I wasn't persistence. I let myself off. It felt a lot better in the short term. But she deserved better than that. She gave me a lot better than that when I had a crisis.
"A similar enough thing happened with Emily. Emily tried to be there for her, but she told Emily to get lost. And Emily focused on the good and easier parts that came with being with me and the pack. I could never blame her for that. Emily had already been through enough.
"Em and I are supposed to be getting married this year. And Emily wants this girl to be her maid of honor. She refused of course, and she wasn't gentle about it, implied that she didn't even really think she wanted to go to the wedding. At first I thought that was really wrong. I know it means a lot to Emily. I know they had promised to be each other's maids of honor ever since they were girls. I heard it from both of them. Sure, things hadn't exactly been smooth, but it was a good chance to change that and move on, or so I thought.
"And then I overheard someone else – someone who is close to this girl now – talking about it and how she really felt. He said she feels like she doesn't know us anymore. She feels like she's not the right person to be Emily's maid of honor, even if I wasn't the person Em was marrying. She and Emily don't talk much anymore. Emily and I came out of the messy imprint together, but she came out without us.
"I don't know if it had to be that way. I do know more now that I used to about imprinting. I know that some of the other guys have been able to, and had to, wait a long time before their relationships with their soulmates ever became romantic. I didn't do that. I didn't feel like I could, but I probably didn't ask enough of myself. Emily and I got together within a month of the day I broke up with my ex and it still felt like an eternity to me. But from her perspective I can see how that feels really wrong.
"And I know she struggled a lot. Not from things that came directly from me breaking up with her and getting together with Emily, but certainly things that could have been a lot easier on her if two of the people who knew her best in the world had been there for her more, even if things were complicated at the time. She's strong. She got through it. I think she's still getting through it a lot of days, but with lives like these we all are. And she's got different people around her now. I know she keeps a lot more distance between her and the other people that she's close to than she used to, but she'll heal.
"All the while it's still a wound for her. And Emily wants her to show up and play bridesmaid. And I know how she thinks. To her, it would be fake. And why should she make the effort for Emily or for us? We didn't do it for her.
"I don't see her around as much anymore. I know she likes it better that way. I wish it wasn't like that, but I get it, and I respect it. I've heard she's with someone else. And I want that for her. She deserves that. I don't think she'd be inviting Emily and I to her wedding if things were the other way around. But she's not getting married, at least not yet, and I tell myself that that means that I might still have a chance to change that. But I don't know if I really have much of a chance. I think finally being able to put a certain amount of distance between us and her has helped her, and I don't think I should try to take that away. But damn, I miss her. I don't miss her the way you miss an ex. I miss her like someone that I still love in a hard to describe way that I'm not very good at expressing, but I wish I still had her in my life. I wish that after a long day she and her partner would come over and have food and beers with Em and I and have a few laughs. But I got that wrong a long time ago and I don't know if I have any business in trying to right it anymore.
"I've been trying to figure out how to tell Emily that she needs to stop trying to make this girl her maid of honor or bridesmaid and just let it go. That's what the other girl's friends think should happen. If we were still her friends and anybody else asked something like that of her that's what we'd think was only right.
"But it's all still a mess. Em's not happy. There have been a couple of issues regarding the wedding and she and I are starting to consider postponing it. I know this girl not being there, at least in the way that Emily wants her to be, is a much bigger part of that than Emily wants to admit. She and I are both restless.
"Emily isn't the kind to ask for selfish things. She's so giving of herself. She always busy. She likes it that way. She's always doing things for other people, to keep them fed and loved and happy. She remembers everybody's birthdays, and all their favorite snacks. She likes to make art. She cares for her friends. She sees me, all of me, as who I am now and what all of the events of the last few years have made me.
"I know how Em thinks. She doesn't mean to ask something that feels so off. She just wants it too seem like everything is alright again and she never lost a best friend. She thinks that maybe if everything can look like its right, like the world is turning the way she hopes it is, than it will really be like that. But I know this time it can't be that way, not right now.
"And so only recently have I really been able to consider the kind of mess I'm really in. Don't make a mess. Don't have a girlfriend. Sleep better at night. "
Thanks for reading! I haven't uploaded anything in a long time, but feedback is always welcome so if you like this or had any thoughts or ideas please leave a review. I'm thinking this is probably going to stay as a stand alone piece, but I may make some edits or post other related stories.