9.1.13

something dumb idek but I wanted to write some reibert

"It's nothing," Bertholdt whispers. "It's nothing." But he remembers what Reiner has said about Christa, how much he likes her, and a sharp stab of hurt travels up through his chest, aching and painful.

Reiner frowns and sits down next to Bertholdt, who pulls his knees up to his chest and wraps his arms around his legs, forming a protective barrier for himself. He doesn't think Reiner will notice, but he does. Reiner always does. "What are you afraid of?" Reiner asks, and his hand comes up to rest itself on Bertholdt's shoulder.

"Nothing," Bertholdt mumbles. "I'm fine."

"You're not, and we both know it."

Bertholdt shakes his head and buries his face into his arms. They're on a mission. They've got bigger things to worry about. And yet all he's been able to think about is Reiner, Reiner, Reiner, and Christa. And the terrible jealousy that's eaten its way into his heart.

He hears the crackle of dead leaves and the rustle of grass as Reiner shifts, and the next thing he knows Reiner has draped an arm over his shoulders. "Come on, Bertl," he says. "There's nothing you can't tell me. Aren't we best friends?"

And there are those words again, best friends, and Bertholdt has to squeeze his eyes shut against the sudden sting of tears. He wants to shout to Reiner, tell him that he wants so much more, that best friends isn't enough, that he's selfish and greedy and wants Reiner all to himself.

But he stays silent. It's easier this way. It's what he's always done, what he knows he will continue doing. Reiner doesn't need to be bothered by this. What would he think?

"Bertholdt." This time Reiner sounds frustrated. "Why won't you talk to me?"

Bertholdt finally lifts his head, but he refuses to look at Reiner, afraid that if he does he won't be able to help himself. "Because there's absolutely nothing you can do about it!" he says, his voice cracking, and then he has to bite his lip hard, trying to hold back tears. He's pathetic.

"How can you be so sure?" Reiner demands, and he leans towards Bertholdt, trying to meet his eyes. "Why won't you look at mel?"

Bertholdt shakes his head very quickly. "Please go away," he mumbles, and even as the words leave his mouth he hopes that Reiner won't listen to them, that he will stay.

If he'd been looking at Reiner, he would've seen the brief moment of hurt that had flashed across his face - but Bertholdt is still staring straight ahead, determined not to meet his eye. "I'm not going away," Reiner says, but something in his voice sounds strained. "I'm not leaving you here like this."

Bertholdt knows he's lost the battle, and the tears start slipping down his face as his chest aches painfully. He still wants more, but shouldn't this be enough? Reiner cares about him. Shouldn't that be enough? Why is he so greedy, why does he want more, why is this never enough -

He pulls away from under Reiner's arm, even thought he hates the loss of contact. But he can't bear it anymore, to be like this, with Reiner not having a clue about how he feels. He stands up and brushes the dirt and leaves off of his clothes, even as Reiner begins his question, getting ready to stand as well. "Where are you - "

Bertholdt turns and runs.

The tears are coming fast now, blurring his vision, and in the dark it's nearly impossible for him to see. He doesn't know where he's running, or why, just that he can't stand being near Reiner but so far, Reiner with his comforting touch, Reiner with his stupid comforting voice and words and just Reiner, everything that he can't have.

He hears a "Wait!" from behind him but doesn't stop. His legs are longer than Reiner's and so he can run faster, and he knows that Reiner won't be able to catch up. So he runs, not looking back.

He doesn't know how long he's been running when he finally stops at the edge of a forest of pine trees, breathing hard. He sinks to his knees, burying his face into his hands, and sobs. He hates it. He can't remember the last time he's cried so much. His entire body heaves as he gasps for breath, and tears are trickling down his cheeks and down his nose and through his fingers and into the grass - and he can't stop, can't remember the last time something has hurt so much.

"Bertholdt!"

It's Reiner. Bertholdt doesn't look up or turn around. He doesn't care anymore if Reiner sees him like this. It doesn't matter.

He hears frantic footsteps. "Bertl - what - " Reiner kneels in front of him and places his hands on his shoulders, gently straightening him up. "Hey, look at me," he says quietly, and finally, for the first time that night, Bertholdt does. He sniffs loudly but holds Reiner's gaze, trembling.

This time Reiner doesn't ask what's wrong. This time he leans in towards Bertholdt and brings his arms around him, and Bertholdt collapses into his arms, burying his face into Reiner's shoulder. Reiner sits back, and though it's a bit of an uncomfortable and awkward position for both of them, neither of them let go.

Soon Reiner is rubbing soothing circles and tracing patterns on Bertholdt's back, and Bertholdt's heart aches again as he wonders if this is really what best friends do. His tears are slowing, but he's still trembling in Reiner's arms. He should be happy with this, this should be enough for him.

"Bertl." Reiner breaks the silence. "Tell me what's wrong." He hesitates. "It... it hurts me a lot to see you like this."

Bertholdt sniffs loudly, then pulls away from Reiner. This time he doesn't miss the brief look of hurt that crinkles Reiner's face before it's gone, and he wonders at before shaking it off. "I'm a really selfish person," he mumbles.

"What?" Surprise furrows Reiner's brow as he stares at Bertholdt. "What are you talking about?"

"You're free to like whoever you want," Bertholdt continues, and suddenly the words won't stop. "So I shouldn't be so selfish and want you all for myself, right?" He's staring down at the ground, seeming like he's talking more to himself than to Reiner. "But - it still - it still makes me unhappy," he says. "It shouldn't. I know it shouldn't. But it does."

Reiner's still staring at him, mouth open, and Bertholdt can feel heat blooming in his cheeks.

"There's - maybe just - one thing you might be able to do to help," Bertholdt says timidly, and oh no, his eyes are swimming with tears again. He tries to wipe them away before continuing. "I - know it's a lot to ask for, but - " He looks up to meet Reiner's eyes, who still hasn't said anything, and a heavy weight of uncertainty and disappointment settles in the pit of his stomach. He wants Reiner to say something, do something, anything.

"Just - one thing I want," Bertholdt says. "Please."

He sees Reiner swallow. "Yeah," he croaks, a stunned expression still on his face. "Bertl - "

Bertholdt cuts him off as he leans in and presses his lips briefly to Reiner's, hating how the bloom of warmth in his chest is marred by terrible, terrible hopelessness. The kiss is short, close-mouthed, lasting only a few seconds before Bertholdt pulls away and begins to stand. "Thanks, Reiner," he says quietly. "That's... that's all I wanted."

He turns and begins to walk away, his footsteps heavy, tears trickling slowly down his cheeks, wondering if Reiner's going to hate him now. He shouldn't have done that. Shouldn't have kissed him. What did Reiner think of him? Would he even still want to be friends after this? The thought of not being with Reiner at all, not even as friends, sends stabs of hurt through him.

He hears footsteps behind him, someone running. "Wait, Bertl!"

Bertholdt turns, feeling hopeless. "I'm sor - " The apology is the first thing on his lips, but Reiner shakes his head as he grabs Bertholdt's hand.

"No. Don't apologize. You always apologize for things that don't need apologies."

Bertholdt blinks at him, too surprised to say anything more.

Reiner continues, and even in the pale moonlight Bertholdt can see the flush that is rapidly spreading from his neck to his cheeks. "A-and... you can have a lot more kisses if you need them. If they help."

Now Bertholdt's the one who feels heat blooming across his face, even as hope simmers inside of him. Maybe - ?

"And... and you can have me all for yourself if you really want." Reiner swallows, his face terribly hot, but he holds Bertholdt's gaze. "'Cause - 'cause I want you all for myself, too." He hates how childish he sounds, wishes he could have said it better, but then he sees Bertholdt's mouth curve up slightly at the corners and knows that it's okay.

"Really?" Bertholdt whispers.

"Really."

But then Bertholdt's smile slides from his face, and Reiner wonders if he's done something wrong. What Bertholdt says next instead is a surprise. "But - but I thought... you liked Christa."

Reiner blinks. Oh. Oh. So this what it had been about. This is what Bertholdt had been so upset about. Somehow the realization makes him giddy as he squeezes Bertholdt's hand. "No," he says, shaking his head quickly, "no, she's just really nice, always there at the right place and right time - and I was always just joking about it - but I never... never really liked her that way. Not... not the way I like you, at least," Reiner finishes quietly.

Bertholdt is staring at him with wide eyes, looking adorably flustered and surprised. But there's one more thing Reiner needs to say.

"And... I thought you liked Annie," he mumbles.

Now Bertholdt looks really surprised. "Annie?"

"Yeah." He shrugs uncomfortably, remembering how jealous he'd been whenever he'd caught Bertholdt staring at her. "You were always... staring..."

"I was staring because I wanted to make sure she was okay... focused on the mission... because she's not like us, she doesn't have anyone to talk to. She's always alone." Bertholdt gives a shrug, looking hesitant. "I was a little worried about her."

"Oh." Of course. Typical Bertholdt, worrying about others; Reiner's embarrassed that his mind had to jumped to other conclusion so quickly.

"Yeah." Bertholdt looks nervous again. "So... so..." He swallows. "Were you... were you jealous?"

"Yeah," Reiner mutters. "Didn't dream you'd ever care about what I said about Christa." He squeezes Bertholdt's hand. "We should get going."

"Okay." Bertholdt lets Reiner lead him, hand-in-hand, and together they begin walking back to the barracks. There's a bloom of warmth spreading in Bertholdt's chest, the same kind he felt when he'd kissed Reiner, only this time there's no sense of despair or hopelessness to go along with it. And Bertholdt realizes that it's been a long, long time since he's been this happy.

"It's been a while since I've seen you smile like that." Reiner's voice brings Bertholdt back, and Bertholdt blinks and blushes, but he's still smiling.

"It's been a long time since I've had something to smile about," he murmurs.

"Then I'm glad I made you smile," Reiner says, and he thinks it sounds a little cheesy even as he says it, but he doesn't care. "I hope I can always make you smile."

Bertholdt ducks his head, embarrassed and pleased. "I hope you'll always be here to do that."

Reiner stops walking and turns to him. "Hey, you know I always will," he says softly. His eyes search Bertholdt's, then flick down over his lips and back to his eyes again. Without thinking, Bertholdt swallows and licks his top lip, suddenly very nervous and very much wanting Reiner to kiss him.

And Reiner hesitates for only an instant more before he takes one more step to close the gap between them, brings his hand up to cup Bertholdt's neck, and presses his lips gently to his.

It's soft and quick but so much sweeter than the first kiss, Bertholdt thinks, so much sweeter with Reiner leaning in to him and closing his eyes and threading his fingers through his hair. When Reiner pulls back he leans his forehead against Bertholdt's own, whispering words meant just for him. "Hey, Bertholdt?"

"Hmm...?" Bertholdt's eyes are closed, but he opens them now.

"You know I'll always be here to make you smile."

YEAH PILE ON THE CHEESE