Author's Note: Woooo I wrote this!! And you can also find this on MoonlitLightning's page because she is my editor and I authorized her to post it in different context on her account, but I am the author! Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Enjoy! Refreshments are available in the lobby!!!
One day the girl duck was waddling around the pond when she met up with the boy duck.
"Like, ur hott." The guy duck said.
"OMG, like you too!" the girl replied.
"We should totally go out."
"Okay!" So the two ducks swam, waddled, pecked, and quacked together for the next two weeks. Then a week later the girl duck laid some eggs in a pile of mulch. After the guy duck came back to his significant other and saw the eggs, he left her for a hotter duck he met at the duck bar the other night. The mom duck was so pissed she kicked her eggs. But luckily ducks don't have knees so her leg didn't reach her nest. She got out her cell phone and sat on her eggs.
"Like, my bf just left for that slutty waitress at DuckDonalds! Now I have to scavenge for bits of white bread and get chased by small children just to feed myself!" She ranted to her real estate agent's cousin's wife's skiing instructor's daughter's mother's uncle's South American water buffalo's great aunt's dolphin trainer's hairstylist.
After he hung up the phone, she invited two of her friends over for an innocent game of strip poker. One of them was named Phyllis, the other was Gaston. Phyllis liked to take pictures of other people through their windows. Gaston was a klepto and he liked to post confidential government papers on the web.
So the girl duck answered the door and let her two friends in.
"Yo, Tammy, what's with the baggage?" Gaston asked the girl duck, pointing at her eggs.
"Oh, you know, these things do happen!" Tammy said, giggling and swigging some gin.
"I totally understand," Phyllis consoled Tammy, the girl duck. "That waitress stole my bf yesterday, too!" They all laughed out loud and began to play strip poker. At the end of the game, Gaston went to put on his clothes and saw a good opportunity to practice his klepto skills. He took out a large greenish egg that he stole from an unsuspecting swan family and swapped it with one of Tammy's eggs, then he snatched an oil painting off Tammy's wall and left.
The next day, the eggs began to hatch. Tammy was out getting a facial when her eggs hatched so she came back to destruction. Her childs had crapped on everything and shredded stuff with their smallish beaks.
"YOU FREAKING DUCKLINGS! LOOK WHAT YOU DID!" she screamed at her fluffy balls of joy. She looked at all her offsprings one by one. She named each of them.
"Your name will be Jibbs, because your chain hangs low. Your name will be Sombrero, because you look Mexican. Your name will be Fluffy, because you have a fro. Your name will be Flappy, because you're retarded and think you can fly. And your name will be- HOLY CRAP! YOU'RE A FUGLY DUCKLING!" the mother duck yelled at her greenish-gray, deformed, unusually large child. The fugly duckling looked back at her and started crying. All the ducklings also started to cry when the fugly duckling cried.
"AAAAAH GOD! Make it STOP!" the mother duck screamed. She started pulling vases off the shelves and throwing them, but she realized she would be sued for duckling abuse.
"Okay, fine, you ducklings, let's go swim. But the fugly one has to stay at the back," Tammy told her children.
As the dysfunctional duck family walked to the park, the fugly duckling looked at the other duck families. They all had large male components of their family units.
"Tammy, why don't we have a large male?" he asked his mother.
"Because he was a drunk and a (CENSORED) idiot, who loved me and left me. Now go back to the end of the line, fugly duckling."
Tammy and her children finally reached the water. There were lots of little kids chucking carbohydrates and whole grain bits into the water for the ducks. All the children's parents were pointing at the fugly duckling's family and saying, "Awww, do you like the little ducklings?" until they saw the fugly duckling, and then they said, "OH MY GOD! Timmy! Sally! SHIELD YOUR EYES!" and "IT'S SO FUGLY, MY EYEEEES!" The fugly duckling looked at his reflection in the pond. He was fugly! He then saw four graceful swans swimming towards the shore.
"Why can't I be like them, instead of my fugliness? I am such a failure! No one likes me!"
So the next day, he scheduled a therapist appointment.
"So, why are you having these feelings of fugliness?" the shrink asked.
"BECAUSE I AM FUGLY!" The duckling cried.
"Now, now…you aren't so fugly!"
"Stop lying! MY FACE IS A DISGRACE TO THE NATION!" the fugly duckling bawled.
"Oh, shut up and get over it. I have another appointment in 5 minutes!" the psychiatrist said, leaving.
"IT'S BECAUSE I'M FUGLY, ISN'T IT?" the shrink flicked the duckling off.
The next day, the duckling went walking. He walked to the pond first. He looked at his reflection. Yup, still fugly. He walked to the clothes store to try and improve his fugliness. After buying new clothes, he walked to the pond again. Still fugly, but with a hat. He was going back home when he spotted the swan group again.
"Yo, shorty! Lookin' a lil' down over there!" said one swan.
"No duh. I'm a fugly duckling."
"Eh? You're not a duckling. You're a swanling. I remember when I was your age. I looked just like you," the girl swan said.
"Really? But were you fugly?" asked the fugly duckling.
"No, of course not. I looked like every other swanling out there. And so do you," she said.
"Word," said the boy swan.
"Hey Tammy! Guess what? I'm not fugly after all!" the not-so-fugly duckling yelled to his mother, who was drinking gin out of a Starducks coffee cup.
"Oh, shut up. Your face is a disgrace to the nation," Tammy said, flipping the pages of her magazine. The not-so-fugly duckling told her about the swans and what they said to him.
"And so, I'm a swanling!" he finished.
"No, you're a fugly duckling. The end," Tammy said.
"Nuh uh. I'm a swanling cuz here's a picture of a swanling in your magazine and it looks like me. So there, Tammy," the not-so-fugly duckling said defiantly.
"If you're a swanling, then how'd you get in my nest?" Tammy asked, putting down her Starducks gin cup.
"How should I know? I'm three days old!" he said.
Tammy narrowed her eyes and said, "Gaston." She called him quickly on his home phone.
Ring. Ring. Ri-
"I DIDN'T DO IT I SWEAR!" Gaston shrieked.
"It's just Tammy, you freak. I have a question!"
"OK. Go."
"Did you deposit a swan egg in my nest?" Tammy asked slowly.
"Heck yes! I live for the old egg switcheroo!" Gaston said.
"You BIATCH! Those were MY EGGS! Now I'm stuck with a freaking FUGLY DUCKLING which is probably not even a duckling but a SWANLING!" Tammy screamed at her klepto friend.
"Well sor-ry miss annoyed pants! I was just having some fun," Gaston replied.
"Okay, whatever. Can you just come and get the fugly duckling. Or swanling or whatever it is?"
"Nope, sorry, I'm booked. Gotta go, bye!" Gaston hung up.
"That BIATCH!" Tammy screamed, picking up the fugly duckling and chucking him at the wall.
"Ow, Tammy, god. Get some anger management!" the fugly duckling said.
The fugly duckling went on a walk towards the pond again, wearing his hat he bought the previous day.
"Haha, you're a fugly duckling!" the other ducks taunted.
"Nuh uh, I'm a pretty baby swan."
"You're a fugly duckling, you're not a swan!" one duckling said.
"You're just jealous of my superior genetic structure," the fugly duckling who is actually a swanling said.
"Wanna bet?" the other duck said.
"Sure as hell do."
"Let's take this outside."
"We are outside."
"Shut up!" the taunting duckling said.
"What's going on here?" the girl swan said.
"Looks like these two are about to deck each other," the boy swan said.
"You know, violence is not the answer," the girl swan added.
"Except when it's funny," the boy swan said.
"No. Wrong. You suck, Chuck. Now let's go, fugly duckling," the girl swan said.
"OK!" said the fugly duckling, running up to the swans.
The next day, the duckling woke up and took his usual walk down to the pond. When he looked at his reflection, he saw that he was losing his feathery down.
"Oh, HELL NO! I'M FUGLY ENOUGH, NOW I'M BALD? WHAT THE (CENSORED)?" the fugly duckling screamed at his reflection, slapping it. Alas, by slapping the reflection, he splashed water all over himself.
"WAAAAAH! NOW, I'M FUGLY, WET, AND BALD!" he cried.
"What's all the hub-bub, fugly duckling?" the girl swan said, coming up to him.
"I'M GOING BALD!" he wailed.
"Oh, nonsense, you're growing your adult feathers!" she told him.
"Oh, in that case…hey, where's Chuck?" the fugly duckling asked.
"He's in the back of a Cadillac somewhere with a bunch of party ho's," the girl swan said, shrugging.
"Oh. Let's go to Starducks!" the fugly duckling demanded.
The fugly duckling was drinking his double shot espresso when he saw Tammy and his brothers and sisters.
"Fugly duckling, where were you?" Tammy asked, confiscating his Starducks and adding a shot of tequila.
"Excuse you! That was mine!" Fugly duckling whined.
"Too bad," Tammy said, drinking the concoction.
"Oh no you did not! Don't make me snap my fingers in a Z formation, Tammy!" the girl swan said, letting the gangsta in her come out.
"He is my child and I can diss him as much as I want to!" Tammy said, grabbing the fugly duckling by his arm. "Come on, you loser. We're going home."
The fugly duckling jerked away from her. "NEVER! I BELONG WITH THE SWANS AND HERE I SHALL STAY. BEGONE, TAMMY!" he shouted.
"OK, fine. You're too fugly to live in my house anyway." Tammy strutted away. The fugly duckling and the girl swan high fived, but they have no fingers, so I guess they high winged. Both waterfowls walked to the water's edge and started to swim. The fugly duckling looked down at his reflection. He saw a graceful white swan, just like the girl swan!
"Holy Crap! I'm HOTT!" the fugly duckling exclaimed.
"Yes indeed. You're not fugly after all!" the girl swan said.
"LET'S CELEBRATE!" the formerly-fugly-now-hott-duck/swan said. Both swans started dancing and doing the limbo. After their dancing, they sang a rendition of "I am Beautiful" and then they had a barbeque.
After a while, a large male duck, Tammy's ex, came up to the now hott-swan and said, "Wow, you're hott."
"The now-hott-swan replied, "Sorry, I don't swing that way."
The two swans lived happily ever after and had a very lovely family of swans, until they were all killed in a tragic hunting incident.
THE END.