Title: Three Strikes (Or the Yellow Shirt Challenge)

Author: magicsunbeam

Email:

Category: Humour

Season: A while after Prometheus

Pairing: none

Content Level: C

Warnings: none

Spoilers: none

Summary: Jack lands himself in the doodoo.

Authors Note: Thanx Nutty for the challenge. And thanx to Teach for beating grandma for me. J I actually did this with enthusiam! Something that's been lacking with me for a while. Go Boston Bob! J

Strike Three

Hind sight, I've been told, is a wonderful thing, and at this precise moment in time I couldn't agree more. For with hindsight I wouldn't have made my first mistake of the day.

The mistake? I got out of bed this morning.

There was no reason to suspect that the day would turn out to be an O'Neill FIM (Foot In Mouth) day. The sun was shining; the birds were singing; God was in his Heaven and all was right with the world, etc. No reason at all to suspect that the bat was about to be swung.

I could say it was Daniel's fault, but that wouldn't really be fair. He doesn't speak Asgard, so I know he did his best when the powers that be posed the question to him.

The question? Could he translate the sound of a word spoken in Asgardian into English?

Explanation needed, I know.

The powers that be decided it would be nice if the new ship being currently built, was named after a ship the Asgard considered to be infamous within their fleet.

Thor and the gang were genuinely thrilled and immediately set about deciding which ship it would be. (I would have candidly suggested the O'Neill, but oddly enough, no one asked me.) Finally they decided that it should be called something I have no way of ever pronouncing in Asgardian, but essentially means Destroyer. Cool, huh?

Daniel put heads together with Thor to come up with a way of pronouncing it in English, and eventually came up with the surprisingly soft sounding name of Sessha Ros.

So it was then that a dedication day was arranged. Top brass were called in to oversee the ceremony, with Kinsey volunteering himself (of course) as chief speech maker and bottle breaker. There is something else I'd like to break, but I digress.

What I found a little surprising, but was extremely pleased about non the less, was that neither myself, Carter nor Teal'c were required to be officially involved with the ceremony in any way. Since Daniel and Thor were the ones who came up with Sessha Ros, Kinsey wanted only them in official capacity. I have to say, the look of distain on the good doctor's face brought the child out in me and I ribbed him mercilessly for days.

The day before the naming ceremony, George called us - the unwanted us that is - into his office to say that we were free to attend. We agreed to do, but only for Daniel and Thor. Dress blues were not required as we would be mingling, so we were pretty much free to wear casual clothes. Provided they were smart .

Now it's not very often that I get to wear bright colours - black and khaki being the norm - so I decided to splash out.

It was a nice shirt, well cut and sewn to perfection. Carter gave me a wide smile when she came to pick me up to take me to the base. She agreed it was a nice shirt, a great colour and that it didn't clash much with my silver hair. Teal'c smiled/smirked/grimaced when he saw it, and gave me one of those little bow of the head things. I did twitch a little when he told me The garment is extremely fetching. But I think he was kidding with me. Maybe.

George rolled his eyes a little, but said nothing.

Kinsey?

Oh yeah, THAT was the reaction I was looking for, if not a little OTT even for him. How was I to know he didn't like sun yellow? Actually, it went further than not liking and more into the realms of hatred.

"You were requested to dress smartly," he spat at me.

"It's a Ben Sherman!" I told him, feigning indignation.

"You look like an extra from A Night with The Osmonds.

Great comeback I thought, and showed my appreciation by laughing in his face. Unfortunately for me, he went racing off to find George and demand that I be reprimanded.

George pulled me to one side and wearily ordered that I not agitate the senator.

"There are too many dignitaries here for you to start playing mind games, Jack. I know your feelings on the man, but I need for you to act your age and not allow yourself to be drawn into any arguments."

"But sir.." I started to say.

"No buts Jack. No buts at all. Now I'm going to count the shirt thing as strike one. Three strikes and you're out. Do I make myself clear?"

sigh Sometimes generals are no fun.

And so it was that the bat swung very gently for the first time.

Sstrrriiike one!

The reception party was in full swing and all was going swimmingly.

Daniel was being ignored, which I hated, while Kinsey was passing Thor around like some new toy, which I hated even more. Any attempt of mine to get anywhere near was quashed by Carter or T who were doing their damnedest to make sure I didn't get within firing range.

So it was that I made my second mistake of the day. I accepted the offer of a Jack Daniels.

Now it's not all that often that I go for the hard stuff. I prefer a bottle of Bud and a lakeside view to melt away my cares, but today lets just say good old JD was the best offer available.

Now I know what you're thinking, but you're wrong. I didn't have too many and got stinking drunk. Teal'c is way too much of a good body guard to allow that to happen. I did however get a little merry, and apparently when I get merry I also get loud.

It was just a passing comment, and was not meant to be heard by anyone else. I was standing at the bar with Carter, watching the minglers mingle when I got an eyeful of a woman in a tight red dress. The neat figure looked good, as did the long slim legs. It was the face that didn't belong.

It was an old, wrinkled face, plastered with what looked to be around seven pounds of face powder. Orange face powder at that. She wore a greeny coloured eye shadow, and had finished off with a red lipstick that was 3 shades darker than the dress. Her hair was bleached blonde, except for two inches of dark brown at the roots. Let me tell you a pretty picture she did not make.

"Hey, Carter. Who's the woman in the red dress?"

"Where?" She asked, craning her neck to see over the crowd around the bar.

"There, standing by the platform. The one that looks like a hooker."

I saw Carter wither before my eyes and knew I'd made the most enormous Faux Pas.

"That," Kinsey hissed in my ear, "is my wife."

Ah crap.

Sstrrriiike two!

Teal'c refused to allow me any more JD's, which was probably a good thing. So I took a glass of OJ and mingled like a good airman, with Teal'c placed strategically at my elbow to make sure I stayed out of trouble.

Suddenly the band stopped playing and a voice called for attention. I looked up to find Daniel, Thor and Kinsey standing on a platform in front of the Sessha Ros. The crowd moved forward, gazing expectantly as the rat bastard cleared his throat.

"Ladies and gentleman. May I welcome you all and thank you for attendance. Behind me is America's newest and finest addition to her fleet. The Sessha Ros."

Blah blah blah.

I wasn't interested in anything Kinsey had to say, but from where I was standing my view of the ship was partially blocked by heads. I wanted to see her, so I took a step up and joined the bandleader on the stage.

She was a beauty to look at. The boffins have done a great job on building her. It's just a shame she won't be ready for an actual test flight for another year or so.

My attention went to the name plate. A huge brass coloured thing with the name deeply etched in twenty foot tall letters.

Sessha Ros.

Cool name I thought.

My mind drifted away from Kinsey and his spouting. Something in those letters got my attention, and I tilted my head first one way, then the other. Then a thought struck me.

I looked down at Carter who was standing by the stage, and had to ask.

"Hey Carter. Do you think Daniel knows that an anagram of Sessha Ros is Horses Ass?"

The world stopped.

Kinsey had stopped talking. Daniel who was standing with his face in his hands. George was red faced a furious, and Teal'c was shaking his head slowly. Carter was staring at me, open mouthed, as was the whole crowd.

What hell? I thought to myself - until I heard an amplified click. I turned to the band leader beside me. He grinned sheepishly and the penny dropped.

And all I could think of to say was. "Oops."

Sstrrriiike three!

All hell broke lose.

Kinsey was baying for blood. George looked as though he was happy to oblige. Daniel was mad as hell. Carter was mortified. Teal'c continued with the head shaking thing. And Thor was completely and utterly baffled.

I was told to leave. Who was I to argue?

Soooo. I'm standing here at the side of the Prometheus - a good old earth name, dontcha think? - waiting to apologise to Daniel and Thor. (Kinsey I don't give a crap about)

But you know, I think they'll thank me once everything has calmed down.

I mean… it's an unforgiving galaxy out there. Which warrior race would want to be seen flying around in a Class one battle ship called the Horses Ass?

End