Chapter One.
She's my best friend.
The words were ringing in Carly Shay's mind. She was stretched out on the couch, an episode of Girly Cow playing. She loved Girly Cow, and this was her favorite episode. Normally, she would have been quoting every line perfectly. Normally she would have been laughing, smiling. Normally, but not today. Something was eating at her today.
She's my best friend and I want her to be happy.
He's my best friend and I want him to…
Carly sighed.
I want him to love me.
But I want him to be happy.
She got up and turned off the TV. It wasn't like she could focus on it, anyway. Instinctively, she reached for the phone. Normally, when something was bothering her, she would call Freddie. Her best friend never failed to cheer her up, and he could be there in 12 seconds (they'd timed it one day) if she needed him.
Not this time, she thought bitterly, forcing her hand back down to her side.
It wasn't right – it couldn't be - to smile at him and tell him she was "just tired" when really, all of her problems stemmed from the jolt of electricity she felt when he smiled at her.
She suddenly realized she had been staring at the door for a long time, a hundred different scenes playing through her scattered mind: Freddie coming in to do iCarly; Freddie coming in to study for an upcoming test; Freddie coming in to watch a movie. Freddie, Freddie, Freddie.
She turned away from the door and headed toward the fridge. Maybe Sam had a good system when it came to how to handle stress. Maybe food was a good idea. She pulled open the refrigerator door and leaned against the door as she looked inside. They were a little short on food, which was why Spencer was at the grocery store; that, and the new sales girl. He would be a while.
Mayonnaise, carrots…unidentifiable green substance…blue tea, or ham?
It didn't take very long to decide on the blue tea. Her stomach was churning too much to keep anything down (just glancing at the green whatever-it-was in the fridge had almost done her in), and Sam would want the ham when she came over, later.
Sam.
What would she think?
What would she think if Carly told her that she loved…
That she was in love with Freddie Benson?
She would hate me, came her jarring realization.
She would hate me, just like I hate me.
This was silly. Surely Sam would understand. It had been a while since Sam and Freddie had broken up, and they were best friends, after all. Her stomach twisted into a knot as she realized that their friendship was the reason why she didn't want to tell Sam.
What if Sam did get mad? Their friendship would be over. iCarly would be over. Then Freddie would have to know why, and it would be too awkward to hang out with him anymore. That would leave her with no friends, and a crippling pain in her heart for the rest of her life.
Why, oh why, did Carly have to like him?
Pouring a glass of blue tea, she took one sip, put it down, and then headed upstairs. What was to be done? She couldn't turn off these feelings - she had certainly tried. Before they got together, she had tried. The entire time Sam and Freddie had been dating, she had tried. After they had broken up, she had tried. Trying was all she ever seemed to do, and it was never good enough.
Just like Carly Shay was never good enough.
Not for Freddie. Not for any of the guys she had dated to try to take his place.
Not for herself.
She flung herself onto the couch in her room and sighed, hugging a pillow to her chest. This one was Freddie's favorite. She put it down. She stared at the table, at the little boat. Freddie loved that boat. She looked away. Moving her attention to the walls, she was bombarded with pictures of Freddie. She closed her eyes and heard his laugh.
What is wrong with me?