John the Eviscerator 3: The End Begins which must result in the Beginning of the End which means that the Ending has Began to End obviously
John had just begun his daily routine when suddenly he heard a ring at the doorbell. When he opened the door he saw a hooded man quickly dashing away and a letter at the doorstep. Cautiously, John opened the letter and began to read:
Disclaimer: Please read the following with a heavy British accent.
Good morning John,
How are you enjoying World Domination? Quite Quite, I do say it has crossed my mind once upon a time, but I didn't have the courage to follow through with it. Anyway allow me to explain why I have mailed you this letter. It seems that you have been gifted with immortality and used that to your advantage to gain control of the world. But I've been watching you and I know what haunts you. If you want answers you will come to me, but be warned, it won't be easy.
From,
Za Warudo
Urgent Disclaimer: This letter will self-destruct in one minute, which probably sucks because it probably took you like 50-55 seconds to read the letter. You would something this important would be put in the first disclaimer. Heheheh ooops.
Thinking quickly John crumbled the letter into a ball and swallowed it
while washing it down with vinegar and baking soda for added effect. Approximately 5.145926 seconds later (Warning: The previous time period was estimated and its relevance to the actual time that passed can no longer be discussed in order to protect the lives of 125.67 Japanese ball playing cowboy soldier pirates that are currently being held captive.) John felt a rumble in his second stomach. His second stomach was directly linked to his brain, for reasons that shall be revealed at his autopsy which will never occur due to his immortality, and when the intensity of the rumble increased, John knew something weird was going to happen. When the rumble reached its peak, John began to feel normal again.
He went to the living room and began to watch T.V. When he turned it on something strange happened. He had heard voices in his head that were separate from the T.V. The first thing that had come to his mind was that the explosive letter mixed with the vinegar and baking soda gave him the power to read minds. Then he realized that that idea came to his mind before he could think it, which means he read his own mind. The only problem was that he didn't know how to channel out voices. So he thought of something that made him mad as a child so he could focus on that. He thought about the Pillsbury Dough Boy and how dirty his belly button must have been after being touched by so many people. He also thought about what must have tainted him as a child that resulted in him making that god-awful noise whenever he gets poked.
After a few hours John retained full control of his new ability and used to find the location of the mysterious Za Warudo. He currently lives on Wryyyyyy Island, located 1.4 million miles above Earth. Fortunately John's legs can transfer his particles to any part of our universe. When he arrived at Wryyyyyy Island he noticed a giant neon sign reading "We have your father"
"How oddly specific," thought John.
When he entered the room he saw a large male figure standing in the distance.
"Father?" John yelled.
"Yes," replied the man in white. "Luke, I am your father."
"Could you not talk to me with that stupid Darth Vader mask? And my name is not Luke."
"Sorry" said the man in white. "I've always wanted to do that."
"Father why have you hid yourself from me? And how are you black?" questioned John.
"I am whatever I want to be." And with that he changed races.
"What the…." thought John. "You are not my father. You are a monster. And on a side note what kind of benefits would you have with that kind of power?"
"I don't know yet," said the man in white. "But it does give me a solid understanding of every musical genre."
"Grievances!!" yelled John and he soon unleashed himself into a blind fury towards his father. But every attack he threw seemed to do no damage at all. After a mere 6-8 weeks John realized that it was his real father and he didn't know why he started fighting in the first place.
John and his father discussed the perks of World Domination, Immortality, and even brushed up on Fidel Castro. But when John asked about his mother, his father laughed maniacally and it rained blood for three days. After that extremely awkward experience John stopped thinking about his mother and continued to control the world for the rest of eternity
The End