John the Eviscerator
John the Eviscerator was born during a skydiving session 45,000 feet above the ground. His mother wasn't seen again after jumping out of the plane for reasons unknown to mankind. There are claims that there was a bluebird related freak-accident at around 400 feet but evidence is unconfirmed. John landed in a radioactive pit and almost became a Teenage Mutant Ninja but the group wasn't willing to change their name because of a baby landing right next to them. So they decided to cut off his legs sounds odd, put hey their turtles I mean what would you expect from one of the slowest animals on the planet. They obviously wanted redemption as well as revenge who knows who they'll go for next maybe a famous person with poor popularity like Martha Stewart or Bill Paxton.
As John was leaving his afternoon murder with both hands behind his back while eating a PB&J sandwich so big that it required two hands, he decided to take a walk, which was easy even though he has no legs. After his walk he went into his closet and put on some legs that he hasn't used yet, they were made out of the metal used to make atomic bombs, and the rubber for the skin was taken from a tire that was so large that it ran on fuel extracted from airplanes. These legs were given to him on Easter from his grandma, Fidel Castro.
As John was reading the paper, which was lying on the stove, which was set on high because a normal table was too boring, he saw an ad for a world's strongest athlete competition, so he decided to join and grabbed his favorite backpack. When he arrived at the competition they had already started the countdown. So he surveyed the area realizing the bases were loaded thinking quickly he removed his golf club out of his backpack and got a birdie to even up the 9th inning, while he was running to the end zone he managed to pick up a spare before the corner kick, even though he was in the penalty box. During the second half of Johns athletic expedition John calmly dusted off the spikes on his soccer cleats and lunged forward while throwing the fishing hook into the lacrosse field causing in an almost instantaneous K.O. resulting in John winning the game.
The coach who was surprisingly not seen until this point then said, "Wow John, you blended enough sports to win the Olympics. I know why they call you the Eviscerator now – you have reduced the competition to a mass of nothingness."
"So I guess I win the money?" said John
"No you silly warehouse this competition rewards you with IMMORTAILITY!!!"
Suddenly the world turned black and John was struck with red lightning. Today he is 600 years old and lives his dream as a professional smooth talking eviscerator, surprisingly enough the first of its kind.