I'm not sure why I started with another story, but it just flowed from my hands. I remembered reading one slightly similar to this when I was younger. It inspired me to write one of my own.

I hope you like it.

I often felt like screaming or that I should've ran away from it all. More than not, I hadn't been sure I could stay and fight any longer than I had. I had wanted to stop fighting and die in a battle I should've been able to survive …

But every time I was close to quitting, he was there. I'm sure he doesn't even know what he did to me or meant to me. I'm sure he had no clue. Now more than ever, I'm sure he wasn't interested in me, but my hope, that god damned hope, was always making me fight and see what tomorrow could bring. Even now, as I sit outside in a cold summer night, I realize that that hope hasn't left my body yet. I'm still hoping for a better tomorrow, but … I am also sick and tired of waiting and hoping.

The very reason why I survived that painful war was because of my hope. My hope in him. I'm not sure why I didn't call it quits after Solo died or after the church burned down. All I know, is that he was my saving grace during the war and I wanted him to be that after the war as well. Sadly though, fate has never agreed with my plans.

I was nowhere near saved even if, at that time, I believed I was. I realize now that I was lost. I'm still lost. I'm lost in a world that has become unfamiliar to me. I had thought, hoped almost that he would keep me around. If that had happened, I might not have been sitting here with the serene feeling that accompanies the knowledge of what I'm about to do with that cold steel in my hands. If that had happened, I might not be sitting here, drowning in my shame.

After what happened with Mariemaia, I had enough courage to tell him how I felt, but I had been an idiot. I had hoped, believed he would still be in that hospital room, waiting for me to show up, but I know now that I truly meant nothing to him.

I had wanted to tell him then, wanted to let him know how I felt about him. I had wanted to begin living a life I could be happy in, one that I could be proud off. I realize now that happiness isn't a word that is meant for me. I only know pain, grief, sadness, anger. I know death … And that is the exact reason why I want to meet him face to face this time.

I am ready to meet my old friend face to face. I am ready to call it quits.

…

As I gaze at the gun in my hand, I can't help but think back to why I'm here. It isn't the fact that he left me that brought me here, although that can be seen as part of it. If I'm honest, that is probably where all of this started.

I blink my eyes when they start to get hazy. 'Boys don't cry!' I think to myself over and over again, but for the first time in years, I don't care what boys should or shouldn't do. For the first time in years, I let my tears escape my control and openly sob my pain away. Sadly though, my heart doesn't feel lighter.

I had never meant for it to end like this. I had wanted to die in a glorious battle. I had not meant to ever take my life, killing myself after becoming the joke of the night, after becoming known as the biggest loser in this universe. Sister Helen had always told me such a thing was a sin, but right now I don't care anymore. I was going to end up in hell anyway, so it didn't matter if my ride there is only another reason for me to end up there.

I click the safety off and test the weight of the cold steel. It feels so familiar and my heart aches for those old days. Days where I still had a meaning. Days where I could still fool myself into believing I meant something. I'm amazed that I managed to keep myself from doing this before. Everything I've known in my life, everything that became familiar and safe was taken from me. If I had done it before, I'm sure I would've saved him an awkward moment and some annoying times that he had to spend with me.

I swallow my tears back this time. Crying didn't help heal my heart. Nothing ever would. Nothing …

That was a word that had always befit me. I owned nothing. I didn't have a some special skill. I didn't have parents or a family that was watching my back. I thought I had friends, but I know now that I never had those either. I truly was nothing … And in the end, my end would make no difference. I only feel slight pity for the soul that will find my body. I never meant to cause so much trouble. I never meant for so much pain and hatred to be aimed at me, but I cannot change who I am.

My hand shakes slightly as I lift it halfway to my head. It's almost funny how I'm a coward even in this last action. I was a coward in not telling him of my feelings sooner. I was a coward in not searching for him and begging him to stay. I was a coward at Relena's ball, when she mocked me for having feelings for him. I was an ever bigger coward when I ran from Heero's shocked and angry gaze.

"Suck it up!" I tell myself. The words are the only sound in the dead of the night. The small forest around me is enough to absorb my words and not let it bounce back to the party I had left because of my cowardice. If only I had not gone. If only I had ripped up that invitation, but … I had heard from Quatre that Heero would be there and I had not been able to resist.

I had no idea Relena wanted to publically humiliate me so. Normally that doesn't work. I'm used to being the clown, the idiot that draws attention to himself. What I'm not used to is that angry gaze I got from the one person that mattered to me more than life itself.

I take a deep breath, ready to end my suffering for once and for all. I raise the gun higher, pressing the barrel against my temple. The gun's still shaking slightly, but it doesn't matter. The bullet can't miss. I can't miss.

I stare up at the starry sky, letting my gaze linger on the full moon. I remember being in outer space. I remember sitting in my Gundam and thinking that I wanted to stare at those stars for a long time. I guess you can't see the stars or the moon from hell, but that thought doesn't sadden me any more than the memory of Heero's angry gaze can.

I take one more deep breath and close my eyes. The gun has finally stopped shaking and I'm glad I can show some courage during my last seconds on earth. My finger moves, pulling the trigger slightly inwards ….

"Don't even dare!" an angry, yet frantic voice yells not far from me. I jump up and quickly turn around. The gun drops to my side in shock as my eyes meet angry blue ones. My mouth opens and closes many times in hopes of finding words, but I can't find any through my shock.

What is he doing here? Why isn't he at the party? Why isn't he near Relena?

I'm panting. The stress of all of this is getting to me and I feel slightly lightheaded, but I keep my ground. I try not to let him notice this. It is just another weakness I am not proud of. My eyes are still locked on his blue ones. There's irritation, sadness and an almost accusing fury inside those eyes, that I suddenly feel myself getting defensive and angry as well.

"What are you doing here?" I bite out. He blinks. I'm sure he hadn't expected me to react like that. I'm sure he had thought I would either laugh this all away or be skittish because I was caught in a sinful act.

"You ran," he only says and I flinch at how accusing that sounds. I can't bear the weight of his gaze anymore and I look down to the rock I had been sitting on minutes before.

"So?"

"Why?"

I snort at that stupid question. For a smart man, he was asking some pretty dumb questions.

"It doesn't matter," I reply bitterly. I see him stiffen at my response, hear his angry growl, but I don't care anymore. I'm sick and tired of the pain, the loneliness. I just want it all to stop.

"It matters to me!" he replies heatedly. I feel strangely surprised at how much anger he is showing me. When the war ended, he never showed me this much emotion. Now though, it was almost as if he was close to shouting. I snort at my own foolish thoughts. If he is angry, it's probably because he was the burn of the joke tonight as well. People may not have laughed at him for his emotions, they did laugh at me for loving him. In some strange way, he might have felt attacked as well and it was all my fault.

"I'm sorry," I suddenly reply in soft whisper. I'm sure he has to strain himself to hear it.

"Why?" he asks and I can hear the surprise and caution in his voice.

"I never meant for you to get sucked into this as well."

"Get sucked …" His voice went from confused to angry in two words, but before he could continue speaking what was on his mind, I continued.

"If you'll just leave, I can fix the problem though."

"What problem?" he questions. I almost believe his voice sounds alarmed again, but let's be honest, Heero Yuy never panics and if he does, he sure as hell won't let other people notice. I blink up at him with a smile that probably screams 'fake'.

"Me," I whisper as I lift my hand and point at myself. Maybe it wasn't smart to lift the hand with the gun, because one moment I'm staring at focused blue eyes and the next my vision of him is shattered. His eyes portray a sudden intense frenzy that makes me so shocked that I'm rooted while he moves faster than my brain can comprehend.

Before I realize it, his hand is clutching mine and pulling the gun away from me. I react on instinct. My finger squeezes the trigger before the gun is completely turned away from me and I flinch slightly when I feel the bullet pierce my skin. My grip on the gun doesn't waver though, but the fact that my palms were sweaty makes it easier for Heero to pull it from my grasp. Before I realize it, the gun is sent flying to the side. I watch it for a bit before I lose track of it in the dark. I hear the dull thud when it falls to the ground not far from us.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Heero yells to my face and I slowly turn my head. His eyes are like raging fires. I automatically take a step back because of my preservation instincts, but he growls and suddenly takes a fistful of my shirt and pulls me closer. I realize now that I'm a head smaller than he is. After not seeing him for three years, it's once more painfully clear that he has changed. That knowledge only makes my own anger come back.

"I was trying to deal with something!" I shout back as I try to get him to release his grip on my shirt. His fingers are like iron though and I can't get him to release me. I can feel the blood oozing from my wound and trail down my biceps, soaking my good shirt. I wasn't used to gunshots wounds anymore and it hurts like hell. It hurts even more now because I'm trying to use that very arm to make him release me. The pain only helps in making me angrier.

"You are not the problem!" he shouts out, but I don't listen.

"It's better this way and you can't deny it!"

"It isn't better!" he growls out and notice his eyes softening somewhat. It confuses me, but I focus on the pain, the anger.

"The hell it isn't! You're all better off without me. It's time I took my place in hell."

He's silent for a while and I grit my teeth as I work my hardest on getting him to release my shirt. It is only when my blood has made it to my hands and was now coating his own, that he released me.

"You're hurt," he suddenly says. I see him watching my arm, trying to see where the wound is. I don't understand him. Isn't it better for him to just let me die?

"Go back to the party, Heero," I tell him resentfully. It seems that is enough to make him stop searching for my wound. His eyes shoot to mine again and I see the determination I had always admired in him. Now though, it's only proving to be irritating.

"Why should I? So you can kill yourself?" It's hard not to think there are more emotions in his voice than is true. I think I want to hear the sadness, the dread, the terror, the longing, … and therefore, I do hear it. I shake my head to clear it from those false thoughts. I turn in the direction I had last seen my gun and start walking.

"So Relena won't send out the hell hounds in search of you," I respond. I don't even bother to answer his second question. I think it's obvious enough what my intentions are tonight. What I don't expect though, is two arms wrapping around me from behind before I can even take three steps away from him. I hold my breath in shock, unsure of what is happening.

"I don't give a rat's ass about Relena," Heero growls behind me and I shiver as I feel his breath wash over me. His arms tighten around me and just when I'm ready to push them off, he speaks again and I freeze . "I care about you."

"Don't lie," I react before I can think about it. The words are bitter and foul tasting, but I know they are true. I feel him stiffening behind me. I feel his arms tightening even more around me, pulling me closer to him in the process. I turn my head sideways so I can look at him from the corner of my eye. "I saw the anger in your eyes. I saw your anger towards me."

"No!" he answers quickly. "Not towards you. Towards Relena. She had no right to do that to you."

"Don't lie!" I say again, only this time, it is with more force.

"I'm not lying!" he shouts back at me. It is obvious I don't believe him. Before I can do anything else, I am turned around. I'm shocked by what he does next …

My heart stops beating when I realize this is what I've always dreamed off, what I always wanted. It's just like I always imagined it would be. His lips against mine are warm and urgent. He's desperate and I can almost feel it through that aggressive kiss. He's desperate to make me understand what I won't believe in his words, but even though the method is different, I'm head bend on not believing him. I'm not willing to suffer more pain.

I try to pull back, but he won't let me. His arms shift in their positions. One stays around my waist, holding me close, while the other one goes to the back of my head, keeping me from pulling away. I'm not sure how long I fight him or when I give in, but I realize I'm tired of fighting him on this. If he is so willing to throw himself at my feet, why not enjoy it while it lasts. He's going to realize what he's doing sooner or later.

Or maybe this is all some sick joke. Maybe, he wants the same pleasure of hurting me that Relena wanted. He might kiss me now, but as soon as I give in, he will hurt me further than I ever could imagine.

So many thoughts are flashing through my mind that I don't know what to do anymore. So instead of responding, I only stand there, stiff and unsure about how much more pain and disappointment I can take. I suddenly wish I hadn't taken so much time in lifting that gun to my head.

I think he felt something about my change in thoughts. He pulls back slowly, letting his lips linger against mine for a moment before looking me in the eyes again. His eyes harden in determination once more and I wonder what he has seen in mine. His hand that was at the back of my head, slowly moves towards my cheek. His thumb brushes my cheek as I watch his eyes changing again. I understand that he's thinking about his next way to go, but I suddenly don't want to give him that time. I turn my head away and glare at the ground. I open my mouth to tell him off again, but he beats me to it.

"You're right. I am angry with you."

I suddenly feel like I've been sucker punched. My gut clenches painfully and my breath leaves my lungs. I gasp in a desperate attempt to get my precious oxygen back. I close my eyes tightly, waiting for the finishing blow, but it isn't what I expect.

"I was angry you never told me how you felt." Slowly, I blink my eyes open, not sure I heard right. "So much could've been different," he continues as I try to process what he's saying. "So much time I wasted pining over you when I could've …"

"Bullshit!" I intended my voice to sound strong and confident, but instead it is nothing more than a painful and broken whisper. It seems he is getting to me more than I want to admit. "If that is true, you could've waited. You could've left me some kind of note. Instead, you left without saying anything to me!"

Even though I started whispering the first words, by the time I reached the end, I was shouting again. I feel my breath coming faster again as I grow angry once more. Doesn't he understand how much he is hurting me with those words? Doesn't he understand I know about him and Relena?

"I left because I knew I wasn't able to get over you if I didn't put some space between us." His voice is patient, but I can hear the hurt in it. I don't understand though. Why would he be hurt by that? He doesn't care! He only cares for Relena! He's only messing with my mind!

"Go back to your fiancée, Heero," I tell him.

"My what?" he questions in confusion. I blink up at him in surprise. He sounded genially confused. Suddenly his eyes are the cold and furious storm I had always associated with him early in the war. "Who told you I have a fiancée?" he demands from me. I smile grimly up at him.

"Your fiancée," I respond. He lets me go and I take advantage of that by taking a step away from him. There is pain in his eyes as I do, but the anger in them overshadows that quickly.

"I have no fiancée!" he growls out as he fists his hands by his side.

"Oh please," I mutter while rolling my eyes in annoyance. "Just be honest for once."

He growls again and his angry gaze is completely focused on me this time. I swallow nervously and take another step away from him, but this time, he follows me. In return, I take another one back and yet again, he copies my movements. After a few more steps, I feel something behind me, blocking my escape. I realize that it's a tree, but before I can move to the side, he has his hands planted next to my head. I stare at him with wide eyes. He leans closer, so that his nose is almost touching mine. When that happens, he stops. I find myself only able to stare up at him.

"You want honesty? Fine," he tells me, almost growling the words out. "I came to this damned party because I heard you would be here. I realized I couldn't get over you. Hell! I tried for three years and it didn't work. I wanted to see if you were willing to try. And if you weren't, I would've been okay with just being by your side. Now imagine my surprise when I hear Relena telling the entire crowd there that you fell for me. I felt happy, ecstatic and yet angry as well. I hated how she degraded you, but I loved the fact that I now knew that you felt the same," he tells me as I see the anger in his eyes rising again.

"But then you ran. And not only did you ran, you tried to shoot yourself as well!" Now his voice is almost impossibly low. I know that only happens when he's beyond pissed and I swallow nervously. Maybe I won't have to kill myself tonight. By the way things are going, I'd say I have a pretty good chance of dying by his hands.

"And you know the worst part in all of this?" he questions me lowly. I hesitantly shake my head. His eyes suddenly loose all the anger it held and I am faced with an almost unbearable broken look. My heart aches as I gaze at his eyes. "I could've lost you tonight." His whispered voice tells me of his self loathing, a loathing I couldn't understand at first. Automatically, I raise my hand. "I could've lost you without ever telling you that I feel the same, without telling you that I love you."

My hand is halfway to his face when I freeze, my eyes wide with shock. H-he actually said he loved me? Had I heard right?

"I don't want to lose you," he whispers before dropping his head and resting it atop of my shoulder. I feel his fast breasts penetrate my shirt and I shiver in response. The hand that had been raised, drops back to my side. I keep staring at the place I know where my gun is lying. I keep thinking that I'm dreaming or that I've already died and this is my hell. This is a glimpse that I get of what I can't have.

"I already shot myself, didn't I?" I question in a whisper. Heero's head shoots up faster than I imagined was possible. His eyes meet mine briefly before he leans forward and fuses his lips with mine. The kiss is aggressive and I'm not sure what to think of it. Before I can respond though, he pulls back slightly.

"Only a flesh wound," he tells me and I shiver when his lisp move over mine with every word he says. For a moment, I feel indecisive and then, just like that, everything clicks into place and I know what I want to do. I quickly raise my hand and allow it to disappear in Heero's hair. I pull his head back to mine and this time, it is me who initiates the kiss. I know I'm moving my lips against him in a desperate way, but I realize soon after, so is he. He lets one of his hands come to rest on my hip while the other remains next to my head. It is almost as if he needs that kind of support to keep standing. I am glad though that my back is against the tree. I fear I wouldn't have been able to keep standing if it wasn't.

When we pull apart, I am breathless. I stare up into his gaze and realize that his eyes show a soft affection when he's looking at me. "How about I get you home," he tells me after one more brush of his lips against mine. It takes me a while to respond, but he waits patiently. "I'd rather not go there anymore," I tell him honestly. He frowns in confusion, but he doesn't press the matter. "Then where do you want to go?"

I don't need to think about my answer this time. "Wherever you go." He blinks before the biggest smile I had ever seen on his face meets my eyes. "Very well, but first I'm going to take care of your arm."

I blink before grimacing. It wasn't that it didn't hurt or that I didn't want him to take care of my wound, but taking care of it meant that we would have to go back to that party. That also meant that we had a high chance of seeing Relena again and I could go a lifetime without that happening again. "I'd rather not," I whisper. He frowns at my answer and I see some of his earlier worries come back.

"Why not?"

"I'd rather not run into Relena again."

He chuckles softly before giving me another kiss. "I can manage both of that."

"…"

He chuckles again. It seems he's pretty amused by me being stumped. "Then how?"

"I never travel without a first aid kit," he tells me and I laugh at that. The amusement in his eyes isn't unnoticed this time. I smile at him when I finally calm myself. "Old habits die hard?" I question him.

"Something like that," he responds before pulling back and taking my hand in his. I willingly follow him, but stop when we are only ten steps further. He stops as well and shoots me a confused look. I frown and look back to the place I knew my gun was hiding in the thick underbrush. "My gun," I say before trailing of.

Heero tugs me towards him and wraps his arms around me before answering me in a way that makes me forget where I am. His lips are even more urgent against mine. His tongue seeks entrance and I more than willingly give it to him. I moan when he starts teasing me. We fight briefly for dominance, but I quickly surrender to him. For now, I don't care who wins or loses. In the end, I believe I did win. I won him.

When he pulls back, he moves his lips towards my ear. "You won't need it again," he whispers. I slowly nod my head, already believing him and what he tells me. As long as he is there, I don't think I ever want to think about what I was close to doing. I could've lost this without ever having experienced it. I bury my head against his neck and kiss his skin there softly. "Thank you," I whisper with all my heart. His only answer is to kiss me again and this time I more than willingly enjoy all he gives me.

It took us a while to make our way to his bike, but when we did, I almost didn't believe my eyes. I had wanted to buy myself one of those a while back, but it had been too expensive and I didn't truly need it. Heero chuckled as he pulled me closer to him before stopping before it.

"A gift of one of our friends."

"A gift?" I question.

"Hm. He said it could get me the guy I need."

I frown in confusion, not quite understanding what he meant. Heero chuckled again before leaning closer to my ear. "Let's just say that the invitation card on it was not my favorite color. The accompanying letter though was enough for me to realize that I had the perfect excuse to see you again."

I frown again as I realize what he's saying. "Remind me to never think of Quatre as the sweet naïve guy again."

"He helped, did he not?" Heero asks as he releases me and pulls a cloth out of his helmet. He lifts my arm and frowns at the amount of blood that has already soaked my shirt.

"Yes, but that only proves that he's a devious and sneaky guy behind all that sweetness and innocence."

Heero chuckles again as he sends me an affectionate look. I can feel my cheeks heating and hate the thought of myself blushing, therefore, quickly turn my head away. Sadly, that only makes him chuckle all the harder. I hate how he's laughing at my expense, but at the same time I love how his voice sounds when he's laughing or even chuckling.

"As long as I got you, I don't mind."

I sigh and simply drop the subject. A painful whine escapes my lips though when Heero binds my wound tightly. "That should do the trick for now, but as soon as we're in my room, I'm going to take care of this properly."

"Your … room?" I ask hesitantly. Did that mean his apartment or had he rented a hotel room? I think he must've heard the slight fear in my voice because his eyes are searching mine. I quickly offer him a big smile, hoping he doesn't see the fear I truly feel. I want to believe him and the fact that he'll stay by my side, that I won't need my gun again, but I've been so used to being alone and lied to that I can't help but think he will leave again.

I blink when he plants himself in front of me. He lifts my chin with one of his fingers and I flush again when I meet his gaze. "You're not going to be alone again, Duo," he mutters before kissing me. There's no passion, no need in this kiss. I can only feel the affection he feels for me and it makes me even more lightheaded than any of his other kisses had done. "I'm not going to leave you, not when I finally have you."

I'm not sure why I don't believe his words. He has left me behind many times in the past and yet, I want to believe him now. He has never showed me such care and affection before, so maybe this is different. Maybe now, I won't be alone anymore. I won't have to crawl into an empty and cold bed at night. I won't have to wake up in an empty and cold bed in the mornings.

I wrap my arms around his torso as I keep our gazes locked. "I want to believe you, Heero," I tell him honestly. He sighs, but I can see he understands. It is that fact that almost makes me believe him. I guess only time can tell if this is right or not. Only in time will I know if he won't hurt me, won't leave me. But for now, I'm happy I'm taking the chance.

I'll see what tomorrow will bring. I'll hope for my better tomorrow and I'll hope for the future I was denied three years ago. Let's just hope and pray that this isn't the wrong decision. I snort at my own fears. If it is, there's always the same exit that I didn't take tonight.

I think he must've sensed where my thoughts have gone again, because his arms tighten around me. "I'm not going to let you go anytime soon," he whispers again. I'm not sure why, but every time he mentions that, I believe him more and more …

~ The end ~

There is probably a sequel coming, but I'm making no promises. If I find the time and inspiration, I think I might make one. If I can't, ….

Well, I just want to say, thanks for reading and please leave a REVIEW. ^_^