This is the Discworld. A massive wheel of earth carried through the recesses of space on the back of four equally massive elephants who are in turn standing upon a turtle so big that massive becomes a diminutive description. It is a sight that cannot fail to impress, especially when the light of the setting sun spreads out into a halo around the miraculous assemblage. Unfortunately most people in a position to truly appreciate the full splendour of the Disc are generally more worried about other matters, such as oxygen and its surprising lack of existence in their vicinity.
A world this wondrous, the more focussed of those fortunate few tell themselves, must surely be home to still more magnificent beings, heroes and gods, demons and evil sorcerers. This world must be in constant peril, ever riding the thin line between destruction and glory.
At some other time they may have even been right.
----
A storm was boiling across the plains to Ankh-Morpork. On a rise overlooking the city a man sat on his horse, watching the dark clouds tumble closer. As they raced overhead the wind rose to a howl and he had to grab on to the brim of his pointy hat for fear of losing it. The wind tossed his riding cloak around in him in dramatic curls. Lightning darted across the clouds just so, causing a glow to appear around him from the right angles. Sensing conditions were right for a Pose; Vord flung one hand out and spread his fingers, pulling his face into an expression of fury. Vord's horse Pansy rather spoiled the effect by leaning over to graze on a low bush as the rain finally broke over them.
Water dripping from the wide brim of his pointy hat, Vord lifted his staff out of its holster behind the saddle. Ah well, best save this for a more suitable time he thought. With his free hand he made a small gesture while he murmured something indistinct. Instantly his cloak fell heavily to his sides even though the wind still roared past. And this rain is horrible. He frowned and held his staff out horizontally in front of him. The rain began to strike an invisible wall two feet from his head, surrounding Vord and his mount in a bubble of raindrops. Vord put away his staff and took up Pansy's reins.
As Pansy picked his way slowly down the muddy road, Vord looked at the storm clouds circling in the sky over Ankh-Morpork. Even as he watched the clouds covered over the last patch of blue directly above the city, shrouding the greasy buildings in an early twilight. A single bolt of lightning reached across the gap between the ground and the clouds. It was difficult to tell from this distance, but Vord thought it appeared to strike near Unseen University.
A blue flash grew from the point the lightning struck and blinded Vord for a moment. He pulled on Pansy's reins, waiting for his sight to return before continuing. As it did, very slowly, he thought he saw a figure in a grey robe hovering in the air in front of him. It turned to him and the empty cowl seemed to say 'Oops.' By the time Vord was sure his vision had returned the robe had vanished.
----
Storm clouds still filled the sky but the rain had stopped. The clouds thinned and blew away while Vord rode down to the city. By the time twilight returned naturally the stars were visible in the clear sky. Vord was studying them as he rode through the outskirts of the city, those small buildings that clustered near the walls of the city proper for warmth. Something about the stars seemed off, but Vord couldn't quite put his finger on exactly what was wrong. It had something to do with the constellation Squeak the Frightened Mouse. Wasn't it supposed to be closer to the Tomcat? Astronomy certainly wasn't his field but still.
'Ho there sir! Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?' the voice rose out of the gloom beside the city gates. Great, thought Vord, the bloody night watch were actually manning their posts tonight. Now, how much was it. Vord rummaged in his sleeves for his money pouch. The guards who stepped up to him, one taking Pansy's reins the other taking out a notebook and a pencil, were clean shaven and their armour brightly polished, if a little buckled.
'I'm sorry
but are you two from the day watch?' Vord asked. Day watch bribes
were higher and he only had small change on him.
'No sir,
city watch,' said the guard with the note book as he flicked to a
fresh page. 'Now, about these questions?'
'Ask
away,' said Vord. He left his pouch in his sleeve and sat back in the
saddle. "City Watch" indeed. These day watchmen get surer
of themselves every time they get a shiny new stripe for their
uniform. Vord was surprised they didn't have matching white feather
plumes. He was going to need more than a bribe to get past these
gits. He glanced at the guard holding his reins, who smiled and
tipped his helmet at Vord.
'We've
been having a bit of a ruckus today,' said the first guard. 'There
was a disturbance near the clockmakers guild and the art museum was
spontaneously vandalised...'
'Apparently
all that was left of Man with Huge Fig Leaf was a pile of dust!' said
the second guard. The first guard stared at him for a moment before
turning back to Vord.
'... And
we have cornered a murderer near the university.'
'Unseen
University?' said Vord. 'What on earth would a criminal be doing
there?'
'We don't
know sir,' said the guard in a tone that said very clearly "we
expect to find a criminal everywhere that we look". He was busily
writing something down on his notepad. 'But with all this commotion
we still have to ask travellers about the road from Quirm. Did you
travel that way yourself?'
'Yes I
did'
'Were you
waylaid by bandits, highwaymen or any other assorted thugs?'
Vord
thought of the first highwayman who had waylaid him that journey and
was now a frozen statue on the side of the road. Then he smiled as he
remembered the second group who were much less threatening after they
discovered that upraised swords made excellent lightning rods.
'No
officer, I had no problems whatsoever.'
He glanced
at the second guard before asking, 'Is your partner there sick?'
The guard
finished his notes and flipped the cardboard cover back over.
'Jerry?
No, he's not sick, why do you ask?'
'It's just
that he's looking awfully pale. A little green even.'
'How dare
you!' yelled Jerry, his eyes bulging. 'That's discrimination against
the living impaired! You heard him Bill, you heard him!'
The first
guard put his hands on Jerry's shoulders and pushed him away from
Pansy. Vord wrapped his fingers around his staff.
'Now, now
Jerry, I don't think he meant anything by it.'
Jerry
wouldn't stand still. In his anger one eye actually popped out of its
socket and dangled down his chest. He stepped up to Vord and grabbed
a fistful of robes. 'Just you step down here old man, we'll see how
sick this zombie is when he kicks your bony arse from here to Sto
Lat!'
'Jerry,
you're on duty!'
Bill never
got to elaborate on this point as Vord lifted his staff forward to
touch Jerry with the knob on the end. There was a flare of octarine
and Bill found himself pulling away a scarecrow in watch uniform. The
straw was mouldy and smelt rotten. The scarecrow's face had one eye
painted on and the other was an old onion tied on. Bill dropped the
figure to the cobbles and stared at Vord with his mouth hanging open.
'But...
You can't... I know the rules of conduct for wizards in the city. You
can't just magic a watchman!'
Vord leaned forward and grinned. 'Well, they're not so much rules but more… Guidelines.' He rode into the streets, leaving Bill standing next to the hay stuffed body.