I found the "Shit the Signs Say" Tumblr. So of course this had to happen.
Disclaimer: I own neither the characters nor the blog I get this from.
Shit the Signs Say
Aires: "BECAUSE I FUCKING SAID SO, THAT'S WHY."
Equius wiped the back of his forehead, delicately fitting the red glass over into the eyes of his new Aradiabot. Since Aradia had godtiered and made her romantic disinterest known, he decided to create a replica (no, that's not creepy at all) for himself. Since the real Aradia belonged to Sollux, he would settle for the closest thing.
And then it was finished.
He took a step back and smiled at his work, proud of himself. She was beautiful, with full lips in cobalt blue, gracefully curving horns and long, cascading hair created from soft tin and aluminum (that had been the hardest part; finding metal that was somehow soft and malleable to resemble real hair). He had even fashioned paper thin wings for her and painstakingly painted them blue. He was just about to activate it when suddenly
Aradia was in the room.
And she did not look happy with this robot.
Equius tried to scramble for a reason, something to tell her, but came up with nothing.
"Equius, you can't have an Aradiabot." The troll shook her head, eyes scanning the robot in disbelief.
"Why is that?" Equius blurted before he could stop himself, "If I can't have you, why can't I have this?"
Aradia took a look at it, at the blank red eyes, the cold unfeeling metal, the incredible care that had obviously been put into it
And used her whip to shatter it.
"BECAUSE I FUCKING SAID SO, THAT'S WHY."
Equius just cowered sadly.
Taurus: "If nature is so great, why have we spent so much time perfecting the inside?"
Tavros smiled happily, giggling slightly as a firefly landed on his nose. "Uh, hello little guy," He whispered to it, "what's new with, um, you?" The firefly blinked in response and Tavros laughed at its joke, sending the lightning bug off to join its kin. They swirled and danced through the air, disappearing through the green trees (what an odd color for foliage!). He looked up at the Earth moon and breathed in, though now his death didn't require him to do anything like he was alive, just because the air was fresh and sweet and sprinkled with life.
"Taaaaaaaavroooooooos!"
Tavros sighed as he heard the call from inside. He sat down on the soft grass and looked up at the stars. I made those, he thought happily to himself, I made those stars, and that moon, and those trees, and those animals. I made them.
"Tavros, come inside!" Vriska was suddenly at the front door, "John's party is about to start and it's much cooler in there."
"If nature is so great, why have we spent so much time perfecting inside?" Tavros asked, "I think I'll stay out here. Just for a little longer."
"Whatever, but I'm eating all your food." Vriska went back inside.
Tavros just looked back up to the sky.
Gemini: "I'm bored. Wanna play "Would You Rather?"
Karkat was hanging upside down on the couch, groaning loudly. Sollux was right beside him, groaning just as much. "God, there is nothing to do!" Karkat complained, "And those assholes stole my romcoms!"
"I'm bored," Sollux then grinned, "Wanna play "Would You Rather"?"
"Sure, it's not like there's anything else to do. Would you rather... I dunno, kiss Aradia or ride on a throne made of bees?"
"Bees. Definitely the bees. Besides, I already kiss AA a lot."
"Huh. Your turn to ask, then."
"Okay Karkat, would you rather fuck TZ or be in a romcom?"
"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU NOOKWHIFF?"
"Answer it!"
Karkat looked very torn at that moment. He started mumbling to himself, "Well, being with Terezi would be amazing, but what if it were only one night? And what if I die in the romcom? What if I die in Terezi's arms? What if-"
"Oh my God," Sollux did a double take, "you really are contemplating this." He then began to laugh.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP, I'M TRYING TO THINK!"
Cancer: "I hate him, but I love him too much to kill him… hm…"
Karkat looked at Sollux, who was attempting to catch bees and ride in the throne of bees from the aforementioned game of "Would You Rather". Karkat would never forgive Sollux for the difficult decision he had been forced to make. Never.
Karkat had already formulated a few murder scenarios in his mind (boy, would Terezi love to investigate those), such as poisoning some Earth honey, training the bees to attack Sollux, etc. But there was something standing in his way and preventing him from murder.
"I hate him, but I love him too much to kill him… hm…" Karkat squinted as he looked at Sollux. He was still prancing around and trying to catch bees like a dumbass. How he expected to catch them while he was blind was a mystery. Then Karkat realized, Where the hell did those bees come from?
He'd have to take away Sollux's alchemization privileges. One does not simply conjure up bees on the meteor.
What's next? Everyone being buried in a fuck ton of meowbeasts?
And he's spoken too soon, because the Rose human just stumbled her drunken ass in. And she is covered from head to toe in clinging, squeaking meowbeasts. "Look! I have kittenssssssss!"
Karkat is so done.
Leo: "People need to realize that ALL my ideas are good ones."
Kanaya shuffled a little on her feet, nervous. She knew she had come to the right place for advice, but that didn't make her any less nervous. She had wanted to do something special for Rose. Really, truly special; special enough to make her eyes light up like a grub on twelfth perigee. Special enough for her to make her happy and special enough to convey the troll's love for her.
The Nepeta hummed thoughtfully, a hand on her chin. She then snapped, startling the rainbow drinker and causing her to jump. "AC has it!"
"What is it?" Kanaya asked, regaining her composure, "What do I need to do?"
"You need to make a scarf!" Nepeta clapped. Kanaya thought this over. Scarves did seem to hold sentimental value to Rose. She still had her human lusus's, hanging on to it even after her death. She nodded. Yes, a scarf would be perfect.
"Thank you, Nepeta; it's a good idea." Kanaya smiled her gratitude.
"People need to realize that ALL of my ideas are good ones!" Nepeta grinned.
"Must I remind you of the blind dating incident?"
"*AC glares menacingly* We purromised never to speak of that, girl."
Virgo: "… Are you going to use a coaster or are you going to buy me new furniture?"
Rose was curled in Kanaya's side, her new scarf wrapped snuggly around her neck and a blanket draped over the two. They quietly sipped on tea, enjoying each other's silent company. Rose had just set her tea cup down, letting her head find a cozy spot on Kanaya's shoulder and getting comfortable.
And then it was shattered when Dave loudly strode into the room, sitting between them and setting his apple juice, along with his feet, on Kanaya's clean table. "'Sup, ladies?" Rose glared at her brother as he stole their blanket and wrapped it around himself, "Thanks. I was feeling cold."
There was an icy silence as both girls contemplated murdering the Knight for interrupting their alone time. He paid them no mind, slurping his juice through an ironic bendy straw and setting it down on the table. Kanaya winced. That table was going to get rings and dirt that would never come off if she didn't step in. And it was brand new too!
"Dave… are you going to use a coaster or are you going to buy me some new furniture?"
"I'll take the option of "sitting down and cockblocking my sister", thank you."
The two girls looked at each other and came to a consensus. Rose knocked the juice off the table and both she and Kanaya pushed him off their seat, snickering as they heard his grunt of pain. Kanaya stole back their blanket and curled back up into a tighter ball with Rose. Dave glared at them (it's not like they could see it; he still had his shades on).
Libra: "Stand still! I want to post a picture of this online!"
Dave was (ironically) posing, laying on his side on the long couch with his head propped on his elbow, "Oh, Miss Pyrope, draw me like one of your French dragons~"
"What's a French?" Terezi tilted her head, confused as to what this "French" was. Was it a type of one of those strange human sexualities, perhaps? She still didn't quite understand the human "sexuality" thing. It was a mystery.
"Nevermind," Dave just shook his head. He was about to get up when Terezi stopped him.
"Stand still! I want to post a picture of this online!" The troll got out her phone and licked the screen until she was able to accurately find where Dave was.
"Why?" Dave asked, "It's not like you're going to see it. You're blind, remember?"
Terezi snapped a photo and uploaded it before frowning at Dave, "Wow, asshole."
Scorpio: "I just want to live ALONE so I know for sure that no one is touching my shit!"
Vriska sighed, dusting off her shirt as she quietly crept into her Shrine- er, secret room full of sweet booty (Nic Cage booty, which you can take any way you wish). Today was the anniversary of her discovery of Nic Cage, so she was going to celebrate with a marathon of movies while snacking on the human invention of popped corn and sweet artificial fruit balls that John referred to as "troll eggs" for some reason.
She began to open the door, singing quietly to herself, "How do I~ live without…" Her voice trailed off as she scanned the room. She rubbed her eyes, just willing for it to be a bad dream. She looked over the room again, terror etched in her face. True horror swam in her eyes, black and red and oh god this is so difficult to look at. Her eyes landed on the red chalk message on the wall.
H3Y VR1SK4, 1 FOUND YOUR SHR1N3! TH1S 1S SO CUT3! H3H3H3H3H3, 1 4LSO 1MPROV3D TH3 POST3RS YOU H4V3! :] – T3R3Z1
Fury sang through Vriska's veins as she turns to her beloved posters. Oh God. The horror of horrors was staring her in the face. Her grip on the movies suddenly loosened, sending DVD cases and popcorn all over the floor. Her heart dropped right out of her chest. All of the posters of Nic Cage's beautiful, beautiful face were covered in awful chalk scribbles of herself and Tavros.
"TEREZI! YOU FUCKING BITCH! I'll find you and gut you for this! This is why I want to live alone! I just want to live ALONE so I know for sure that NO ONE is touching my shit! I'LL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR SCALEMATES. I'LL PISS ON EVERYTHING YOU LOVE!"
She was going to kill Terezi.
Every. Single. Version. Of. Her.
Sagittarius: "Haha, you look like shit. JUST BEING HONEST."
Nepeta was worried when she was called by Karkat about her timeline's Equius. She hurried over to his dreambubble as fast as possible, dodging a few near encounters.
When she got there, her timeline's Karkat was trying to pry a bottle from Equius's grip. Equius clung on for dear life, sobbing, "No! You do not understand! This is my friend!"
"No," Karkat ran a hand through his hair, "it's human alcohol. Let go, your real friend is here."
"Hey Equius, I'm here." Nepeta smiled at her moirail and got the bottle away from him.
"Haha, you look like shit," Equius chuckled to himself before noticing Nepeta's offended look, "JUST BEING HONEST."
Nepeta sighed but slung his arm over her shoulder anyway, wincing, "It's bed time for you."Equius was already nodding off. Nepeta tucked him into bed and kissed his forehead, "Night night, Eqkitty."
She went back out to the living room, "Thanks for looking after him Karkat."
"You're welcome, and for the record," Karkat bent down and gave her a kiss, "I think you look beautiful, as always."
Nepeta smiled, cheeks flushing a little, "Hehe, even after this long together, you still make me blush."
"I can make you blush even more, if you want." Karkat smirked and leant down to kiss her ear.
Meanwhile, on the meteor, the Alpha Karkat had a sudden feeling.
"I feel proud of myself; like I've just become a man." Karkat wondered at the feeling, frowning, "I don't like it."
Capricorn: "No, I don't want your help. You can't do it right!"
Oh fuck, Karkat thought to himself, I've done it now.
Gamzee was upset; really, truly upset. Karkat berated past him in his head. How did he ever think that explaining that there were miracles in Miracle Whip would be a good idea? Now his poor moirail was on the floor, near tears, because he just felt one miracle slip away from him.
"Here, Gamzee, let me calm you do-"
"No!" Gamzee bent away from Karkat's outstretched hand, "I don't want your help! You can't do it right! My miracles, my beautiful miracles…"
"Yeah, I know, I'm a fucking nookstain. But here, I'm sorry." Karkat gently papped the clown troll in between his horns, watching him go lax almost instantaneously. That had always been his favorite place to be pet.
"You are…?" And Gamzee looked up at him with this innocent look like a wriggler and fuck if it didn't break Karkat's heart a little.
"I am. Now shoosh…" It took a lot of calming, faygo and spoor pie after that before Gamzee accepted the reality of the situation and was himself again.
Aquarius: "Meh, I just want a car so I can do what I want. Like drive to Mexico or something."
John had introduced himself to the trolls and was already telling the fishy prince… Eridan! Yeah, that was his name! He was telling Eridan about cars and Earth.
"Cars sound vvery interestin'. Wwhere can I get one?" Eridan asked. A machine that moves on land? Fascinating!
"Well," John rubbed the back of his neck, "Earth, which was destroyed."
"That's okay. Meh, I just wwant a car so I can do wwhat I wwant. Like drive to Mexico of somethin'."
"That sounds like fun!" John grinned, "If we're able to get you guys Earth cars and teach you trolls how to drive, will you take me with you on adventures?"
"Shore, I don't see wwhy not." Eridan grinned and the pact was made.
Pisces: "Can I tell you about my dream? In my dream there was this weird thing…"
Feferi and Sollux had sat down in a pile for old times sake. At Sollux's insistence, it had been a pile of squddle plushies that Jade had so kindly given them. The two laid down in the plush softness and had been silent for a long while.
"This is a lot better than the horn pile," Sollux finally spoke up, "A lot softer and comfier."
"Yeah! It is!" Feferi smiled, "And these squiddles are shrimply adorabubble!"
"Yeah."
The fell into another comfortable silence. Feferi then spoke up again, rolling over to face Sollux, "Hey, Sollux? Can I tell you about my dream?"
"Sure FF, go ahead." Sollux rolled over to face her and prepared to listen to the long ramble.
"In my dream there was this really weird thing…" The heiress attempted to gesture with her hands, as if she could illustrate this "weird thing" in the air, "and it looked like a whale, only beta! I could sea that it had this one horn and the Jade human was riding it! It wasn't white enough to be a lusus, so I was wondering what it was. It was so odd!"
Sollux continued to listen to the fish puns and watch the gesturing. It was rather nice to sea… er, see… Feferi so happy. But he hadn't had much sleep the night before. And the squiddles were really, really comfortable…
He was just about to doze off before Feferi playfully swatted him on the arm, "Oh, you're trying to sleep in the middle of my story!"
"No, no, I was listening." When had it switched from a dream to a story? "Go on ahead."
He tried to pay attention. Really, he did. But he was sleepy and comfortable and Feferi had quieted down and settled into rest…
Feferi laughed a little to herself as Sollux fell asleep. "Am I really that boring or are you being a little beach?" She giggled as she said, "Well, good sunlight, Sollux. Sweet dreams."
Okay, so I'm thinking of doing more chapters. Just tell me if you think I should!
I hope you enjoyed this~ Hehehe!