How she hadn't gone crazy yet, Astrid wasn't sure.
Or maybe she already had, and that's what the burning feeling in her chest was.
But that couldn't be it, because she knew exactly where that burning feeling was coming from; what sparked it in the first place.
It was the hurt. It was the all encompassing feeling of hurt that seemed to burn her alive and stifle her out all at once. It was maddening, and it wouldn't go away.
And it was all his fault.
2 years. 2 years of dancing on each other's feet. 2 years of tip toeing around the feelings that were so obviously there but that neither one of them were willing to admit to. 2 years of gentle hugs, unsuspecting forehead kisses, innocent cuddling, and looks of adoration that shouldn't be coming from someone you consider a friend.
Friends didn't do things like that with each other, she had her head on straight enough to know that. And god, she was tired. So tired of hoping and wishing for something more, but never being able to be the one to come out and say it. Always hoping he would just give her some sign that he realized what they had.
What they had been losing.
And it had all lead up to this moment, in the hallway of a hospital of all places. It had taken her dad getting into a near fatal car accident for her to muster up the courage to finally say something. Because god it was eating her alive and she couldn't take it anymore. She couldn't stand by and laugh off the idea of love when that was all she felt when she looked into his eyes.
Hiccup had come rushing to her comfort minutes after receiving her text, bursting through the doors into the dimly lit and stuffy hallway, eyes worried and searching. Her eyes found him like it was natural, because it was, and an encompassing comfort washed over her just at the mere sight of him.
It still baffled her how much peace just looking at someone you loved could bring.
Because she was in love with him. She had been for a while now.
When his eyes landed on her messy state and tear stained face, he let out a visible sigh of relief as he took long, quick strides in her direction. When he reached her, his arms opening and inviting, she fell into his embrace, arms circling his middle as his came to wrap protectively around her shoulders, pulling her into a tight, safe hug. He presses a gentle, grounding kiss to her temple as his warm breath encompassed the side of her face, and it took everything in her to not break down further.
"I got here as fast as I could, I'm so sorry, is he —"
"Stable." Her voice was hoarse; raspy like it hadn't been used in years. "For now."
He let out another sigh of relief, arms tightening around her form further, thumbs drawing slow and comforting circles where they sat on her shoulders.
"God Astrid, I'm so sorry."
She felt safe, then. Felt like despite everything falling down around her in the span of an hour, where she stood in his arms was where everything bad disappeared, replaced with a presence that made the pressure of grief and anxiety in her chest dissipate, leaving only the calm and grounding feeling of love and the slow rising sense of home.
She pulls back from him, his arms sliding from around her to rest gently under her elbows as her arms came to rest at his hips.
"I didn't pull you away from anything, did I? Because if you have somewhere you need to be—"
He shushes her with a squeeze of her elbows and a shake of his head, a small reassuring smile gracing over his lips.
"Nothing that can't wait. I'm here as long as you need me."
She returns his smile, eyes never once leaving his as they stood there, still connected, still touching like it's a life line. Because in some ways, maybe it is.
People that are just friends don't do this. They don't hold each other just because they can, or just because it feels right. They don't kiss each other on the side of the head when they greet them, regardless if it's an emotional situation or not. They don't hold onto each other because the though of not having contact when they're right there seems stupid and unreasonable.
People who are just friends don't do that, and she was tired of dancing around that. Felling, knowing something more was there, just out of reach, but being too scared to reach for it.
But life was too short and having her dad in his current situation now proved that further to her.
They couldn't keep dancing around the unknown because of fear that it would change something.
For better or for worse.
"Hiccup, can I—I need to ask you something."
He smiles down at her, fingers twitching from where they still sat that the bend of her arm. She knew he didn't like being caught off guard with questions, but screw what put him out of his comfort zone, they needed to talk about this.
"I Just…what—" She struggles to find the right words, not wanting to mess this one thing up, because god, if she screws this up it'll make everything awkward and horrible and that is the last thing she wants between them right now.
"What are we? I mean, what is…this?" She brings a hand up to gesture between them, emphasizing what she meant. He glares at her with a questioning gaze, mouth opening and closing, seeming to consider his answer.
"Astrid, you—you're my best friend. I mean, I don't—"
She lets out a breathy laugh, eyes rolling slightly as she twists out of his grasp, both of their arms falling to their respective sides. He looks confused, and she's starting to wonder if it really is possible for him to be this blind and stupid.
He lets out a short, confused laugh, his questioning eyes staring her down as if he'll find the answer tattooed into her skin. "Wait, what—what is this all about. Is—what are you trying to get at here?"
She stares at him, really stares at him, because he has to know what she could mean. Not two minutes ago he was holding her like he never wanted to let her go, and yet here he is, oblivious to what's standing right in front of him.
"Do you like me?" She doesn't mean to come right out and say it, but she does, and there's nothing she can do about it now.
"Of course I like you Astrid, you're my best friend." His gaze never falters from one of confusion, and she knows that his brain is reeling with unanswered questions.
She shakes her head and almost laughs, bringing a hand up to rake through her unkept bangs. Either he was playing dumb, or he literally had no clue what she was getting at, which bean to scare her more than she would admit. "No, god Hiccup, that's not—"
She takes a step towards him, her hands fidgeting in front of her as if they are aiding her in finding the right words to use in this moment.
"Hiccup I need you to look me in the eyes right now, no bullshit, and tell me if you think there's something more between us. More than just friends because this has been driving me insane for over a year and I need answers."
His mouth is agape, eyes still trained on her as if he's trying to process what she just told him into something he could better understand. But god what wasn't easy about it to understand. It seemed so blatantly clear to her what they had, and fear was beginning to eat away at her at the thought of him not realizing it because he didn't want to. Because he truly saw her as just a friend.
"Astrid, listen—"
There's almost a sort of hurt and longing that she finds in his eyes, like he's about to tip over and break and let all of his secrets flow out, but he holds it in, stopping himself before he can continue, and that fear takes hold of her heart once more, forcing her to believe the worst.
"Do you seriously not think that there is anything between us. That there has ever been anything between us." The familiar sting of tears press at the back of her eyes and she bites her tongue, blinking several times and praying that they dissipate because the last thing she needs it to be emotional about this too. Her dad in the hospital was enough to do her in, and this was just the icing on the cake.
"Astrid, I didn't say that—"
"Lie to me then."
He gives her a questioning glance, hands twitching at his sides as if he's going to say something important in reiteration, but he's caught off guard by her sudden exclamation.
"Astrid, what—"
"Say it'll never work between us."
His demeanor suddenly changes, features softening and eyebrows creasing in question and confusion once more at her outburst. She didn't really know where it came from, but what was the point in stopping now with all of her cards on the table? She took a shaky breath in before continuing, trying to calm her buzzing nerves.
"Say—say that it's all in my head, that I'm crazy for thinking it." She wraps her arms around herself; a protective barrier of comfort against the feelings she's expelling that have been bottled up for years. He just stares at her, eyes baffled and swimming with concern and disbelief of what she's saying, and she doesn't blame him.
The tears come back, and she's not sure why she doesn't angrily wipe them away as she normally does; instead she lets them fall at their own accord to pool at the point of her chin.
"Say that there's never been a single thing between us even though you know damn well there has been. That there is."
"Astrid—"
She bites back at the angry words about to slip past her lips, throat burning as she holds back a sob that creeps its way up, forcing more tears with it. Her voice cracks at the building pressure, and she can only manage above a whisper when the dreaded words fall past her quaking lips against her will.
"Say you don't love me, that you've never loved me, say—"
Before she can get the rest of the sentence out, he's crossed the short distance from where he stood in front of her, calloused hands coming up to encompass her face as smooth lips crash into hers without abandon.
She's shocked at first, knees beginning to feel like they'll give out at any point, but she stands rooted, one of her hands slowly coming up to clutch at the collar of his shirt, knuckles turning white as she holds fast to it, afraid that if she lets go the moment will end.
She's not sure how long they stay like that, mouths gently dancing around one another, lips moving in synch like it was natural; like they had done it every day they had known each other. It felt so undeniably right, and she couldn't help the swell of hope that began to billow in her chest. The pads of his thumbs gently worked across the surface of her moistened cheeks, wiping away tears whenever they came to surface to spill over into oblivion.
Hiccup pulls away slowly, the tips of their noses still brushing, warm gusts of breath from both of them fighting for the slim space between their mouths.
She slowly blinked her eyes open to find bright forest green eyes brimmed with unshed tears staring straight back. He just stared at her, and her back at him, both seeming to be searching the other for something. But he's the first to speak, and she can't help but feel a sense of renewed purpose and tranquility in his words as he gently shakes his head, thumbs mindlessly working up and down across her cheeks, his eyes never once leaving hers. His voice is sad yet filled with love as an ever so small smile graces his lips.
"Don't ask me to say that I don't love you."