The world is turning. But never fast enough. Welcome to Night Vale.
Today was supposed to be Wednesday, but remember Night Vale, today is Thursday. Wednesday was cancelled due to scheduling errors. Mayor Pamela Winchell announced this morning that she apologizes for any inconveniences this has caused and says that this will never happen again, except, of course, for that one Autumn Monday that we all know will never happen. In other news, John Peters (you know, the farmer?) reports that his invisible corn crop isn't producing like it usually is, and invisible corn prices will have to go up. Well. John Peters, I will still buy your invisible corn even if he prices are a bit high. I mean, seriously listeners, isn't that just the best invisible corn you have ever not tasted? And now, traffic.
Imagine for a minute, blue. Just blue. No, not red. Only blue. Blue car, and blue sky. Blue roads and trees. Imagine Night Vale in blue. No- sorry, purple. Yes. Imagine Night Vale in purple. Purple. Just purple. Only purple. Take Night Vale out now. Leave only the purple. That one shade of purple that everyone knows, but cannot name. Darker than royal, and lighter and less blue than plum. Not quite deep. Just... purple. Sweet, sweet purple. You are this nameless purple that you know you are and always have been. Why haven't you noticed this before? Surely you would've noticed that you were the color purple. No. Not that you are colored purple. You are this nameless purple. Nothing else is real. Just purple. This has been traffic.
Listeners, this is troubling. People in Night Vale are protesting the cancelation of Wednesday. People are gathering at street corners with sign posts saying 'Today is Wednesday', or 'You cannot cancel Wednesday, Cancel Thursday instead.' Night Vale, people are protesting. People do not protest to make a point. To make their point, people steal babies, or hold up Big Rico's. People do not just protest in Night Vale. Come to think of it listeners, I do not recognize the people that are protesting. Oh... this is very, very bad. Night Vale is not a very large town, so I know everyone here. Everyone from John Peters (you know, the farmer) to Rico Samuels, the owner of Big Rico's. Now, as I try to look into this further, a word from our sponsors.
Look at your light. Is it flickering? Has it, unbeknownst to you, turned green? Become a reptile? If the answer to any of those questions is yes, hide. Run to your closet, though you will need to eat because you will spend the rest of your life in a closet. Visit Walmart, low prices, low expectations.
Listeners. The situation of the protesters on the corners has gotten worse. During the break, I have gotten word that more than a third of the Sheriffs Secret Police is protesting, less than a forth but more than an eighth of the members of the Vague yet Menacing Government Agency is protesting. There is word that a Hooded Figure has been sighted watching this all go down. In other- happier- news, John Peters (you know, the farmer?) tells us that he discovered a patch of beautifully growing invisible corn that he had not noticed before as it was invisible, and that the invisible corn prices will be just fine this year. Back to our main stor- What was that Adam? Carlos? Really? With a sign? Oh this is bad... Adam -the new intern- has told me that Carlos the Scientist has been spotted on a street corner holding a sign reading 'It is impossible to cancel a day. Time goes on still.' I'm sorry listeners, I must try to help. While I am gone, I take you to, The Weather.
(For the full experience, go to another tab and get to YouTube, and listen to the song, Things we lost in the Fire by Bastille which has been randomly selected from a secret list of songs)
Thankfully, listeners, the protesters have disappeared! After I took you to The Weather, I hurried to the spot where Carlos was seen. I found him with his eyes wide and mouth gaping slightly. I waved my hand rapidly in front of his face and he did not respond. I was eventually able to grab him by his shoulders and yank him out of the mob of silent protesters protesting the loss of Wednesday. When I did this, Carlos snapped awake from his deep hypnotic state. Unfortunately, and luckily as Carlos woke all of the other mystery people vanished on the spot leaving piles of various articles of clothing and signs with random slogans about Wednesday. This is unfortunate listeners, because we will never really know what happened here today. We did learn one thing listeners, never cancel a Wednesday again, scheduling errors or not. Listen next for the gentle thoughts of a silently twinkling star. Good Night, Night Vale. Good Night.