Disclaimer: I do not own the characters from Stargate Atlantis, God I wish I did... although... the series would probably evolve into a slash series if I did own them...

Anyway, I just borrow the characters from time to time to let them have a good time.

Warning: this is a slash story and although it might not contain actual sex or anything, it is still about two men having the hots for each other and they do rather have fantasies so... if you are against this, don't read, I beg of you.

Characters: Carson Beckett and Rodney McKay

Summary: Well... mainly just the two of them as they try to understand their feelings.

Writers note: Moonlight and Witchbones have already read the first two chapters of this story (seeing as I've already uploaded those as separate stories before, so if you want, you can start with chapter 3 ;)

--

Unsaid feelings.

The days pass and Rodney can tell that he's being avoided. He can't blame the man for wanting to stay away from him. He did get kissed against his will, but he had hoped that they would be cool after it.

He and Carson had kissed, yes, that much is true, but still, it doesn't have to be this way, it was actually Cadman who kissed him, it wasn't even him! Yet Carson seems to think otherwise, every time the two of them pass each other in the hallway, Carson quickly looks the other way and pretends that he is not there.

The once so great friendship has collapsed and it is all Cadman's fault.

He sits in his chair, watching Carson as he comes walking through the gate, he had just come back from P43-856, he had been sent there because it was said that the people there had some really nice medicine that Carson might be able to use. Judging from the look on his face and the guilty sound in Dr. Weir's voice, it seems as if he didn't find what he was looking for.

"Doesn't he look amazing when he's trying to take control of the situation?" he suddenly hears.

"Oh yes, he does..." Rodney replies without even thinking, he frowns his eyebrows and looks around, seeing Cadman standing next to him. "What are you doing here?" he asks, trying to keep his face clear of emotions.

Cadman puts up a dirty smile. "You can't pretend, Rodney, I know all about your feelings for him. You try to hide it for the others, but I can honestly say that I now understand what a boner feels like." she whispers, putting her face as close to Rodney's as possible. Rodney swallows hard. "I have no idea what you're talking about." he says, sounding like a cornered kitten.

"Just to make it clear to you, Carson belongs to me, he loves me, so you don't stand a chance." she stands up, giving Rodney one last filthy look before walking down the stairs and greeting Carson.

Rodney watches her as she goes. "If you don't think I stand a chance, why are you trying to threaten me, woman?" he hisses beneath his breath.

"Sorry, were you saying something?" Zelenka asks, he just appeared out of nowhere to stand beside Rodney.

"No, no, nothing." Rodney murmurs. He looks down to Carson, how he stands there, talking and laughing with Cadman.

--

Carson stepped through the gate, his visit to the planet had been a total failure. He had arrived in the village, asked for the medicine that he came to investigate, only to find out that the villager's mouths were bigger than the truths behind them.

There was no medicine, no cure for anything and he felt disappointed. He turned around and left the planet without even asking further, there had been too many drawbacks without having to deal with this one as well.

Dr. Weir walks up to him. "How did it go, Carson?" she asks, her happy face quickly dropping as she notices that Carson doesn't look all too pleased.

"Don' even ask, it was a total failure, they didn' even have the slightest idea of medicine, let alone that they would have something I don't already have." he explains.

Dr. Weir looks at the man, feeling slightly guilty for sending him over there in the first place. "I'm sorry Carson, I really thought the Intel was correct, else I wouldn't have sent you over there in the first place." she says as an excuse.

Carson shakes his head. "It's alright, really. I know ye wouldn't have." he says, smiling a little.

He looks up and sees Cadman walking down the stairs, there is some kind of determined look on her face and Carson decides to smile and wave at her. He doesn't really feel like talking to her right now. Ever since she had shared Rodney's mind and body, she had been acting as if she loved him. Of course, she did kiss him, even though it was through Rodney, so she must have some sort of feelings for him, but he is unsure whether or not the feelings are mutual.

"I see that things didn't really go as planned?" Cadman asks as she has caught up with him.

Carson shakes his head and repeats the story again.

Cadman listens and then says: "Well, maybe it's for the best, we know that you are the smartest doctor around, we can't have someone outsmarting you, doc."

This makes Carson laugh a bit and he looks up to the control room. There is Rodney, sitting on a chair near a computer, but for a change, he isn't even touching it, he's just staring down at them, and something tells him that he's not really pleased either, although Carson can't really find out why.

It's probably just the fact that he's talking to Cadman, the one person Rodney really dislikes. In the one, single encounter they had in the last couple of days, Rodney had made it quite clear to him that he doesn't think Cadman is a good match for him, that she would make him feel miserable.

Carson smiles a little at this. Yes, that might be true, and so far, the only reason why he is dating her, is because she was the one that let him feel Rodney's lips. And he liked that feeling... a lot...

Cadman pulls his shoulder and he looks around, she looks angry for some reason. "Come on, we're leaving." she says, a little more forceful than intended, probably, as she quickly smiles and kisses him on the cheek.

Carson nods and follows her, quickly looking back over his shoulder to see Rodney sighing and walking away.

He follows her into her quarters, where Cadman locks the door behind them, making Carson feel highly uncomfortable.

What is she thinking? Certainly she doesn't want the two of them to go to the 'next level' yet, so to speak?

He turns to face her and there is that determined glare again, those eyes that show some fierce emotion which Carson can't identify, but he's unsure whether or not he likes it.

"What's the matter, Carson, you look a little spooked." Cadman asks, quickly analysing the situation in a correct manner.

Carson shakes his head and takes a step backwards as Cadman approaches him. "It's nothing... I was just wondering... why did ye lock the door?" he decides to ask, swallowing back some words that are better left unsaid like 'I don't really feel like engaging ye in any way.' or something like that.

Cadman looks at the door. "I don't want to be disturbed." she simply replies, quickly crossing the left space between them and throwing herself into Carson's arms.

Carson closes his eyes and tries to think of a way out of there, away from her. After a moment he realizes he can't find anything and he hugs back, what else can he do, walking away would probably hurt her feelings.

"You feel so tense..." Cadman whispers in his ear and she pushes him backwards, onto the bed.

'Aye, I feel tense alright, but not for the reasons you think, lass.' Carson thinks as he feels the soft mattress underneath him.

Cadman turns Carson around with a slight glint of military force and he finds himself face down on the bed, immediately stripped from his shirt. He hears Cadman's softly spoken words, "Calm down, I promise I won't hurt you." and he sighs, not physically perhaps, he thinks.

Cadman sits on top of him like a horse rider, one leg on each side and starts to massage his back, trying to get the tension away from him.

Carson feels that she has done this before, her hands are quite capable and he feels himself relax under her touch.

'I wonder if Rodney would be as able...' the thought suddenly pops up in his mind, along with some rather arousing images, he turns around, almost surprised to see Cadman there instead of Rodney and he pushes her away.

Cadman lets out a yelp of surprise and looks a bit hurt. "Carson?" she asks, her voice soft.

Carson looks around the room, trying to make up an excuse for his sudden behaviour. "I'm sorry, love..." he says, adding the last word in order to spare her feelings a little. "I really appreciate all this but... I don' think I'm quite ready for this yet..." it's not a complete lie, he'll continue to try and go to the next level with her, she's someone that likes him and the object of his desire is way out of his reach. In any case, she's a safe bet.

Cadman nods. "I understand... it's alright, Carson." she says, smiling a little, although Carson can tell that she feels sad.

"I'm sorry, really." he repeats.

Cadman continues to smile and she gives him a quick kiss on the mouth before standing up and unlocking the door again.

--

"You look a little absent-minded today." Katie states as she watches Rodney stare out of the window.

Rodney turns around with a questioning look on his face. "I'm sorry, did you say something?" he asks, feeling bad about himself because he didn't pay attention to her.

Katie frowns a little and repeats her sentence. Rodney stares at the table. "Yeah, sorry about that... Haven't been sleeping all that well recently." he decides to say. It's not a complete lie, every time he falls asleep, Carson is there in his dreams and then he forces himself to wake up again before things become too steamy.

Katie walks over to him, putting her hand on the side of the man's face and staring sweetly into his eyes. "How come, Rodney?" she asks.

Rodney doesn't really know how to answer that question. "Well you know... the Wraith and all... you can deny it all you want, but in the end, they frighten everyone on this base and... well... I keep having nightmares..." this is a complete lie, for the last couple of nights, he hadn't seen the Wraith in his dreams even once.

Katie looks extremely compassionate and she kisses Rodney's forehead. "Maybe you should go and see Dr. Beckett, he could give you something to sleep better." she suggests, suddenly feeling a slight burst of warmth flowing through her hand. "You're burning up, you should really go to the infirmary." she says in a firm voice.

Rodney shakes his head, quickly removing Katie's hand from his cheek. 'Damned emotions...' he thinks, burning up just because he heard Carson's name. "I'm fine, really." he says, not daring to look her in the eye.

Katie doesn't buy it and she pulls Rodney along towards the infirmary. "Katie, I'm telling ya, I don't need to go there."

They enter the sacred Beckett ground and Rodney's eyes immediately cross those of the Scot.

"Rodney, what's the matter?" Carson asks as he watches the reluctant man being pulled into the room.

Rodney shakes his head. "There's nothing wrong, I swear, but Katie wouldn't believe it." he exclaims.

"He's been having nightmares, so he hasn't slept for quite a few nights and I think he's running a slight fever." Katie explains the situation to Dr. Beckett, not capable of misinterpreting the situation even more.

Carson nods. "I could give ye some medications so ye can sleep better." he says to Rodney and Rodney quickly nods.

"Sure, that's fine." he says in a hastened way. Anything to get away from here at this particular moment.

The door to the infirmary opens again and Dr. Weir enters the room. "Ah, there you are. I need your help." she says, looking at Rodney.

"Sure, anything, tell me." he says, sounding way too desperate. "I mean... what's going on?" he tries to avoid the stares that the previous words triggered.

"Sheppard's team is heading out, I want you to go with them... and also, Carson, the village they're visiting got culled by the Wraith, I want you to accompany them in case there are any survivors." Dr. Weir explains.

Rodney looks at him, this day can not get any worse. He can tell that Carson feels somewhat uncomfortable about this as well, but he nods and starts packing his stuff.

Rodney walks out of the infirmary, leaving Katie behind, but not really caring about it. This will be the first time that Carson and he will work on the same mission since the disastrous event.

He gets geared up, silently, for the first time in his life and although his team looks at him in a really strange way, he doesn't really care. As soon as Carson enters the room to get ready, he leaves, looking over his shoulder once to see Carson changing into his off-world outfit, he shakes his head and quickly resumes his way before his mind starts thinking of things that would let him make a fool of himself.

--

As they cross the distance from the gate to the village, Carson is careful to keep a safe distance from Rodney, his latest actions have made it quite clear to him that the Canadian doesn't really feel the urge to come near him.

It makes him feel a little sad, in some way he had hoped that this mission would allow them to talk to each other again, but now he thinks about it, it might not really be a good idea in the first place, his mind is already quite screwed up as it is, talking to the man would probably make it worse in any way. He watches him as he walks there, Ancient device in his hands, concentrating on it more than needed, making it quite clear that he doesn't want anyone near him at this time. He smiles a little, Rodney is so bad with feelings, just as he is right now, he would love to go and talk to his friend, but he wouldn't have a clue what to say, he is quite positive that Rodney feels the same.

Suddenly, as he takes another step, he doesn't feel ground underneath his feet, he yelps and falls, everything around him becomes dark and he hits the ground, hard and rocky.

Above him, people are shouting, but he is in pain and can't respond.

--

Rodney keeps concentrating on the Ancient device, checking for any sign of life around him, but finding only his own team, four in the front and one a little way behind them.

Carson... he thinks, he keeps monitoring the one life sign as if his own life depends on it.

He thinks back to the time before they left Atlantis, Carson had finally entered the gate room where Sheppard somewhat scolded him for taking so long, he felt bad for the Scot and he looked at him, Carson had looked back, smiling at him. Rodney can clearly recall the feelings he felt at that time, the warm flutter of butterflies in his stomach and a shiver across his back.

He shakes off the thoughts and hoists his backpack back on his shoulder, even though it was still perfectly in place.

A sudden yelp startles him out of his thoughts and he turns around, seeing Sheppard, Ronon and Teyla, but no Carson, he runs back to the place where the man should've been and notices a hole in the ground. "Carson!" he shouts, running over to it and losing his footing, falling and sliding right into the hole as well.

With an uncomfortable thud, he hits the ground. "Splendid..." he murmurs, rubbing his somewhat bruised arm. He looks around and sees Carson, struggling to sit up straight. "Are you alright?" he asks him.

Carson nods. "Aye, just a bit soar." he admits.

They both look up. The sunlight is quite a way above them.

Sheppard's face appears above them. "You two alright?" he asks, sounding quite worried.

Rodney and Carson quickly reassure the leader that they're alright.

"Alright, I'll try to get you out of there." Sheppard says, leadership clear in his voice, but as he turns around, the ground begins to collapse and a whole lot of soil and grass falls down into the cave. Carson and Rodney hear Sheppard retreating to prevent further damage.

"It seems like the ground is too unstable, I'll need to figure out a different way to get you two out of there."

This time, Sheppard's voice sounds over the radio.

"Alright, just make sure you do get us out of here, without burying us alive, please." Rodney says, sarcasm clear in his voice as he shakes the soil off of him.

"Yeah, don't worry about that, I was quite aware of it already." Sheppard replies. "Ronon and Teyla are going to resume their way towards the village, I'm going back to Atlantis to get myself a Puddle Jumper and then I'll return to I can scoop you up."

"Sounds like a plan. See you guys soon then." Rodney replies and he sits back down again, looking at Carson who sighs and stares up.

Everything around them grows silent, Ronon, Teyla and Sheppard have left and they are now alone.

"Well then..." Rodney says, not sure what to say. "This is different eh?"

Carson chuckles a little. "Not so much..." he replies.

Rodney shrug's his shoulders, in some way he has to agree with the man, if he had a nickel for every time he got locked up or trapped, he'd be terribly rich by now.

"Rodney, Carson?" they suddenly hear, it's Teyla over the radio.

"What is it, Teyla?" Rodney replies.

"There is a heavy storm coming our way, I believe you might be trapped there a little longer." Teyla replies.

Carson and Rodney look at each other, fear visible on their faces. "Alright... we'll be alright." Carson says, not really believing it himself.

Neither of them had ever seen such a quick change in weather, one moment, the sun was shining, the next moment, clouds filled their already limited vision and rain started pouring down at them.

"This day just can't get any better..." Rodney murmurs, wiping the rain from his face.

"Oh, I think it can only get worse now..." Carson replies, looking at the ground that is starting to get muddy. "I think this place will start to flood some time soon."

Rodney looks down as well, seeing why the man came to that conclusion, he looks up again. "But that's a good thing, right? Once we're floating, we can swim towards the exit and get ourselves out of here." he says, sounding hopeful.

Carson nods. "Lets hope so." he agrees.

The water within the cave keeps rising and Carson and Rodney are already floating, kicking their feet to keep themselves above the water. "So... why were you avoiding me all that time eh?" Rodney decides to ask, now is as good a time as never, Carson can't run anywhere.

Carson looks at him, thinking that he has lost his mind, there are far better things to talk about at this moment. "Ye were avoiding me as well, ye know?" he replies, knowing it's a bad excuse. "I... ye... kissed me!" he starts coughing as a whole load of water floods into his mouth.

Rodney blushes. "I am quite aware of that... though it wasn't me." he says in defence, somehow he wished it was him, but this is not the time to tell that, not while they're both trapped and can't leave.

Carson doesn't reply to that, looking up again. "We're almost there." he simply says, reaching out his hand, hoping he can reach the exit.

"Carson?" Rodney asks, his voice sounding urgent. Carson looks around, the cave seems to be swirling around him.

"What's going on here?" he wonders, feeling something pulling his legs.

Rodney gets sucked under for a moment and when he resurfaces, he's coughing and catching his breath. "I think... one of the walls have given in..." he manages to say and sure enough, the wall on the left side is starting to crumble even further, drawing the two men into a completely different hole. The water level drops and they are able to stand again.

"Brilliant, we were so close..." Rodney whispers, walking back over to the other side of the cave, but before he's reached it, the wall collapses even further, making any passage impossible for them.

"Now we're really trapped..." Carson says, sounding downright terrified this time.

Rodney nods, looking around to face the Scot. "Sheppard will find us... he'll keep looking if we're not in the other cave." he says, more as a reassurance to himself than to Carson.

Carson nods, not feeling comforted at all. By the time that Sheppard reaches them, they'd be dead, long gone.

water keeps floating into the sealed cave, even though their passage seems completely sealed, Carson and Rodney can only reach the bottom if they stand on their toes.

"Rodney?" Carson feels the need to talk, to say anything at all, Rodney turns around to face the man, panic clear in his eyes. "Yes, Carson?" he asks, completely out of breath.

Carson looks at him, feeling a great sadness inside of him. "I am so sorry..." he says, his voice sounding emotional.

"Why?" Rodney asks, not understanding why the man suddenly started apologizing.

"Ye'r trapped here because of me... If I had been more careful, if I hadn't been staring at ye..." Carson turns bright red and wishes he could bite his tongue off. Rodney stares back at him. "Why would you be staring at me?" he asks, knowing this is hardly the time to get his hopes up, but he can't help it.

Carson shakes his head. "Forget I even said it." he whispers, but Rodney shakes his head and swims over to Carson. "Tell me... we're going to die here anyway, it doesn't matter, right?" he nearly shouts the words, wanting an answer, some answer, hoping for the right one, even though it's uncertain he'll get it.

Carson looks at Rodney, seeing his eyes so alive, fierce with desperation, but for some reason, they look different from a moment ago, there's hope in them, a certain need. He shakes his head, he might be reading the signs all wrong, but like Rodney said, they're going to die anyway, so it doesn't matter anymore. "I was looking at ye because I wanted ye to stop ignoring me, I was dreaming of ye kissing me again... holding and touching me." he says, making sure there is no way to misinterpret the words.

Rodney feels light-headed all of a sudden and it is not because of the lack of oxygen, he feels warm, despite the freezing cold water and he starts laughing, closing the last few inches between them to take the man into his arms. "Finally..." he says.

Carson yelps in surprise, feeling Rodney's body against his own. "Yes..." he replies, wrapping his arms around Rodney as well. "Finally..."

"I love you, Carson." Rodney whispers as his head bumps against the top of the cave.

"Carson feels tears in his eyes and he doesn't try to hide them, water is already touching his lips and he needs to get the words out. "I love you too, Rodney."

They hide in each other's arms as the already collapsed wall breaks down once more, flooding the entire cave with water, flushing the two men into the wall behind them, no way to escape.

They open their eyes to look at each other, filthy water between them, trying to break them apart, but they won't let go.

Their lungs are burning, every part of their bodies hurt and then, everything becomes black, quiet.

A day has passed, Rodney and Carson are in Atlantis' infirmary, Sheppard had dragged both of them out of the cave after he had finally gotten rid of the wall between him and the two doctors. When he had reached them, they were both unconscious, on the verge of dying, but they survived and were very much awake again.

"Well, in any case, I'm glad I got you out of there in time." Sheppard says, looking at the two of them, they've still got some cuts and bruises from the rocks they had hit, but otherwise, they're fine. "I need to go talk to Elizabeth now, mission reports, you know..." he says, saying goodbye to the two and leaving the infirmary.

Rodney and Carson look at each other, smiling a little. Dr. Cole comes walking up to them, to see how they are doing.

"Ye can go get some rest, doctor, we'll be fine." Carson says in a reassuring way.

Dr. Cole shakes her head. "No, I can't leave." she says.

Carson sits up straight for a minute. "Of course ye can, I'm a doctor too, remember? If something happens, I can solve it, and if not, I'll just radio ye." he says with a faint smile on his face.

Dr. Cole smiles a little as well. "Alright, as long as you can promise me that." she replies.

Carson nods and promises he'll contact her if anything goes wrong. After that, Dr. Cole leaves the infirmary so that the two men are alone.

Carson gets out of bed and sits down next to Rodney. "Well, we're still alive... want to take back those words?" he asks, grinning a little. Rodney looks up at him. "I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about." he says, trying to keep a blanc expression, but failing miserably.

"Maybe I can make ye remember?" Carson says with a mischievous grin on his face, his face closes in on Rodney and they softly kiss each other, quickly growing more passionate as they feel the immense need. "God, why did we have to hide it for each other for so long?" Rodney whispers, his voice hoarse.

"Maybe because you know it's wrong?" the new voice couldn't have sound more unwelcome and they both look around, seeing Cadman standing just inside the infirmary. She's carrying flowers, but she throws them away into a corner and runs up to the two men. "How dare you? I told you to stay away from him Rodney!" she shouts towards the Canadian. "And you! I thought you were dating me! I can't believe you're doing this to me!" she cries out towards Carson.

Carson and Rodney couldn't have looked more embarrassed "I'm really sorry, Laura, listen..." Carson tries to say something, but is interrupted by Cadman. "Oh, so now I'm just Laura? Whatever happened to 'love' eh?"

Carson finds it difficult to see which emotion in Cadman is stronger at this point, anger or sadness and he feels really guilty.

"You know what? You're both going to be very sorry about this!" she shouts, running out of the infirmary without listening to the men who try to call her back.

"That went smoothly." Rodney murmurs, sighing and dropping his head back on the pillow.

Cadman rushes over the base towards the control room, where a lot of people have assembled.

"What's the matter, Laura?" Dr. Weir asks, she was just on her way to the briefing room with John as she saw the marine running up to the control room.

"Rodney and Carson, that's the matter." Cadman replies. "They are dating!"

Some of the people in the control room look at each other with a strange look on their face, but most of them seem to be unaffected by the news.

"So what? Zat is old news already." Zelenka says. "It waz clear on zeir faces for some time already zat zey liked each ozzer."

John and Dr. Weir nod.

"You knew about this?" Cadman asks, feeling very betrayed.

Dr. Weir nods. "I understand it's quite a shock for you, but the two have been behaving quite strange towards each other for some time now... ever since... well, you kissed Beckett through Rodney." she tells her.

Cadman gives her a furious look. "So now it's all my fault eh?" she shouts, turning around and running away.

Dr. Weir and John look at each other and smile a little. "I think she was pretty much the only one who was oblivious to the whole situation... along with Katie Brown of course..." John says with a lopsided grin.

"Oh no, even I was rather much aware of it already." The kind voice of Katie rings up to them as she walks the stairs. "I just had the silent hope I would be able to keep him with me. But I'm fine with this, really." she says with a smile.

Carson and Rodney are released from the infirmary the next day and the first thing Rodney does is dragging Carson with him towards the mess hall to get something to eat. "I'm starving, honestly." he says as an excuse.

Carson smiles, Rodney is always hungry, but this time, he can't disagree, his stomach is growling as well.

When they enter the mess hall, Sheppard, Ronon and Teyla wave them over. They quickly pick up something to eat and join the group at the table.

"It's good to see you two up and running again." Sheppard says.

Ronon nods. "For a moment there, I thought we lost you." he says silently.

Carson grins. For a moment there, so did we." he jokes.

"Quite obviously, else you would never have lost your minds like that." Sheppard says, staring at the ceiling.

Carson and Rodney stare at each other, feeling a little uncomfortable. "It seems like Cadman has been talking to you..." Rodney murmurs, feeling a little angry.

"She didn't have to... the way I found you in that cave spoke for you..." Sheppard replies, grinning widely this time.

Carson blushes furiously.

"And the whole base knows it as well, so there's no need to keep up pretence, you know." Teyla says, grinning as well.

Rodney looks around, seeing people staring at them, although that might also just be his imagination because of his embarrassment at that time.

"Don't start kissing in front of me though." Ronon adds to that. "And the best of luck to the new born couple."

Rodney and Carson look at each other, it seems that their team is a lot more open minded than they would ever have thought possible. They both nod and laugh broadly.

They finish their meal and leave the mess hall again, holding hands this time, seeing as they've got nothing to hide anymore.

"I don't even want to know where they are going..."

"Or rather, what they are going to do..."

The words of Sheppard and Ronon are the last words to reach their ears and they stare at each other with a wicked look in their eyes. It had not really crossed their minds yet, but thinking about it, they might just go and do just that...

the end.