Disclaimer: Not mine, obviously.

Ghosts of Your Former Self

It had been difficult in those days following Ichimaru-taichou's treason. He had been blinded by his own loyalty and in doing so had played a willing part. He was deserving of whatever punishment was handed down upon him, and yet in the aftermath he had been exonerated of all the wrongs he had committed under the tyrannical hand of his former captain.

And he almost wished they had locked him away and deemed him a traitor. At least then he would feel as though he were paying for what he had done to Hinamori, Matsumoto and the whole of Soul Society. Instead he spent his days doing much of what he once had. There was still paperwork to be filled out and signed and neatly filed away, still duties that he must perform even in the absence of his captain.

He often found himself staying late to finish up his work until the candles on his desk burned low and cast weak shadows upon the walls. During these times he would pause for the briefest of moments and glance over his shoulder or lift his light eyes to the doorway thinking of a ghost that would not release him. He liked to think at times that Gin had come back, but then he would be his enemy and it his duty to apprehend his former captain. He wondered if he would even be able to turn his sword against the man he had once sworn his allegiance to or if asked would he forsake this world and follow Ichimaru into Hueco Mundo?

'Kira?'

He started at the word too caught up in his musings to even sense the familiar reiatsu.

'Sorry, didn't mean to startle you.'

Kira lifted his eyes from the ruined parchment where his calligraphy brush had smeared the ink to look at his unexpected caller. 'Hisagi-san,' he said with a slight nod, inviting the man inside.

The 9th division vice-captain settled against the corner of desk, dark eyes staring at the younger shinigami. Kira fidgeted under his gaze, nervously straightening the stack of finished papers. He had been living in a type of seclusion these last few days unable to face anyone, and though Matsumoto had forgiven him for his rash and misguided actions he had yet to forgive himself.

'Was there something you needed?' he asked abruptly, finding Hisagi Shuuhei's presence here unnerving and wishing more than ever that he had been locked away if only to be spared the accusatory stares.

Hisagi shrugged a little, absently fingering the melting wax from a nearly spent candle. 'Just thought I'd check up on you. See how you were doing.' Dark eyes narrowed, scanning Kira's delicate features, the etchings of shadows beneath his eyes and the small line of worry between his light eyebrows. 'You shouldn't be working yourself so hard. No one expects it of you after all that's happened.'

'You really needn't worry.' Kira replied, reaching for another stack of paperwork that really didn't need his perusal. It didn't matter; he did it because he wanted to, because it was the only thing that kept his mind off Gin, the only thing that kept him from having a breakdown and going completely insane.

Hisagi was not one to be so easily fooled by the blonde.

'I lost my captain, too.' Hisagi started. 'So, it's not as though I don't know how you feel.'

Kira stared at him for a long moment, his eyes clouded with something undetectable. Anger perhaps that Hisagi would dare act as though he understood. Ichimaru had been such a dominant part of his existence and now to have him so suddenly gone—

'Tousen-taichou didn't—'

'Don't say you think that Gin actually cared about you.'

He opened his mouth to speak, to hiss some spite filled response, but whatever words he had died upon his lips as he turned them over in his head. It would be a foolish thing to say yes for he had never truly deluded himself into believing that his captain may have cared for him. And yet, some small part of him had still futilely clung to the fleeting hope that if he was a good, dutiful vice-captain eventually Gin might find it in himself to care even the smallest amount. But his loyalty and obedience were for naught and the captain he had respected and served without question a traitor.

'Did I mean so little to him?' Kira choked out the words. It was a question he did not need an answer to. He had simply been a puppet and a pawn in Aizen's grand scheme, one that had willingly played his part under the sadistically guiding hand of Ichimaru Gin for he had known nothing but to serve his captain with unfaltering fidelity. All he had known was a lie, and in the end it was that simple point of fact that hurt him greater than Ichimaru's betrayal.

Had he known that Kira would have been left so utterly broken in the aftermath? Had he planned it to be so?

'He should have left me here for dead as Aizen-taichou left Hinamori—'

'Don't say that.' Hisagi countered before Kira could finish, a hand reaching out to grab a handful of Kira's gi. He wanted to hit him, shake him and demand to know what had happened to the boy he had known so long ago, full of ambition and dreams. His ambitions had become to serve Ichimaru and his dreams had died with each treacherous lie his captain had whispered into his ear.

Kira's look was stricken, and suddenly Hisagi felt strangely guilty, as though he should simply leave Kira to deal with his demons alone. Perhaps it wasn't his place after all these years, and murmured a half apology as he released him.

He took this moment to look at the blonde, as though noticing for the first time in years the startling differences between whom he had once been and the person he was now.

What had Ichimaru Gin done to him?

Hisagi resolutely decided he didn't want to know. Whatever it was it had been enough to completely break the younger shinigami and that was enough. He pulled away from Kira half wishing he hadn't come here. Kira Izuru was nothing but a ghost of his former self.

As he turned to leave, he saw the fleeting memory of the first time he had seen Kira back at the academy, so young and brilliant, and sighed.

'You really should smile more, Izuru.'

fin