Moyashi-neechan: Hello! This is another fic that was made in order to avoid having a bullet shot in my head. Courtesy of a ruthless plot bunny. This is twisted, I'm telling you now. Why? Just read on. XD Okay, one ruthless bunny down. One more to go towards freedom!
Disclaimer: I do not own DGM no matter how much I wish for it. They belong only to Hoshino Katsura.
Warning: Mild swearing, Multiple Character Deaths (Yup, it's another depressing fic, yours truly.)
Brother, Father, Wish
I was too late.
If only I had been faster.
If only I had noticed it sooner.
..
.
He wept as he held the boy's lifeless body, cradling the child as if he was just rocking him to sleep. People have already gathered around them and the carriage wreck and the red spattered street and snow. Some have already called for help while some just watched in horror and pity. Others looked at the scene excitedly and talked in hushed hurried tones… It was cruel. This was a tragic accident but some people are using it as an amusement. An entertainment for their mundane life.
…
..
.
I'm so sorry.
He held the boy tighter when someone approached him. The authorities have already arrived. They were asking him to show them the victim. His precious son. Their words were useless as he refused to let him go. He knew that it was already too late. He was too late. His son is already dead and no one could ever do anything to change that. He pleaded them to go away. He asked them to just leave him alone and let him hold his child. To let him embrace the deceased boy one last time. Understanding his grief, they walked away from him and continued with their task of investigating the accident and dispersing the crowd.
Mana wept as brushed away the bangs from the child's eternally closed eyes. He could feel the boy's cold wet blood seeping through his coat and shirt as he held him. His blacks and whites will be stained with coppery red forever but he doesn't mind. He just lost his whole world and the damage of something as trivial as clothing meant nothing to him now.
He would never see his son's wonderful gray eyes again, always twinkling with delight and curiosity and innocence. He would never see his sunny smile. He would never hear his melodious laugh. He would never hear him calling "Mana!" and feel his hugs and kisses after each of his circus shows. He would never hear say the boy "I love you, good night!" every after dinner and bed time stories.
I'm so sorry.
He held the boy's lifeless body tighter. He was alone again. His loved one left him behind again. His whole world had collapsed and he's now forced to cope again.
First, Neah
And now you
..
.
Mana wept. His son is dead and he's at fault. His son is dead and he wasn't even able to say those three important words to him.
I'm sorry I couldn't save you, Allen.
I'm sorry.
He sat in front of his son's grave, staring at the name lavishly engraved on the stone. It was already past noon but it was cold and dark. The sky seemed to be mourning for his loss as well.
The funeral and burial was quick and simple. The only people who attended were his co-workers in the circus. They also grieved the loss of the young boy. True, at first they were wary of the child when they saw his left arm but they have become used to it. They're in a circus after all. It's normal to see something freaky and strange in their line of profession. That and Allen was a very likeable person. Helpful and childishly cute. Always smiling and impeccably polite. A little gentleman.
Up until now, Mana honestly can't understand why he had asked the boy to live with him in the first place. He was a loner with a job that doesn't pay much. He always travel and he had no experience in taking care of children. Bringing the boy with him was a bad idea.
But perhaps for a minute he had gone insane and asked the boy to come with him. Or maybe because he pitied him for the poor treatment he receives from the people around him. Or perhaps he took the boy because he reminded him so much of his deceased brother, Neah. But that's impossible since anyone and anything just remind him of Neah at that time. Then Mana thought that perhaps that he was just lonely. He was lonely for living alone for so long that when he met the boy, an orphan with a harsh life, he immediately considered him as a suitable companion and he took him in and named him and raised him as if he was his own son.
Mana smiled at the memory of their early months together. The boy was terribly brash and disrespectful. He was an absolute brat who always kicked him in the shin whenever he tells him to smile and to say "Please" and "Thank you". If only people knew just how much work I've gone through to teach him such good manners. But he didn't mind that hard work. It was a labour of love. And it made him closer to the boy. He really felt like a father whenever he's with him. It was like having a family again. The feeling was enough to alleviate all the sadness and longing he had whenever he remembers the loved ones he lost throughout his life.
Mana took from his pocket a small brown teddy bear, mindlessly toying with its arms. His past flashed before his eyes.
His parents died when he and his brother were still young. It was a devastating experience. They were left to fend for themselves since they don't have any other relatives. Hence, the two of them grew up relying only with each other. They persevered. The two of them worked and studied hard to be able to support themselves, although Neah seems to fare better on school than him but it's understandable since he was taking a part-time job in the circus during the night. Not to mention that Neah was a master cheater and proficient smooth talker. Blasted fake gentleman. But he didn't mind that. School was boring anyway. He prefers to work since it was more exciting. He also loves watching the performances in the circus whenever he was on the job. It was like hitting two birds with a stone: he earns money while he gets to see the show for free!
Years passed and sufficient to say, both of them were pretty successful. He did quit at his studies at some point but it was not much of problem. He had officially joined the circus were he had worked with since a child and became a clown. On the other hand, Neah managed to graduate and continued his dream on becoming an accomplished pianist. It was sad that they have to separate when his younger brother took the chance in studying music elsewhere but they managed. The two of them never lost contact since they always sent letters with each other. Relaying each day of their lives in ink and paper. Neah will always write to him his quest for finding the perfect woman while he wrote back his failures in wooing her favoured woman. Then sometimes he will write the new tricks he learned at the circus while Neah will write about the new instruments he could now play.
Eventually, the two of them made a code of their own since his younger brother made it a habit in writing to him some of his inspiration and ideas for a self-composed piano piece. And Neah is very possessive about it. The man thought somebody might steal his hard work if ever their letters were intercepted. Mana would just laugh about it and tease his brother's paranoia through his letter and then Neah will send him back dozens and dozens of paper full of reasons of how great he is and how prone he is of being copied by somebody else and so on and so on. Then Mana will write back about him being an egoistic prick and Neah will then retort in the next letter and so on and so forth.
They may be apart but the letters still help them keep in touch with each other. It was like they're not even separated! Week after week they always received messages and wrote back messages, writing everything down so they won't miss anything about how the other's life was going.
But then, there came a lapse with Neah's letters. No message came on the expected day. At first, he didn't mind it. Mana thought that the mail might have just been late or something. But days turned into a week and Mana started to fret. Why Neah didn't send a letter this time? Was he sick? Did something bad happen to him? His worry became worse when another week have already passed and there was still no contact from his brother. That was when he asked permission from the circus master to leave and visit and Neah. The man, knowing him, let him do so and was even gracious enough to give him extra money aside from his early salary to spend in the journey.
The trip was quite long but he didn't notice it. The only thing he cares about at that time was Neah. He was worried if something bad happened to his brother. He can never forgive himself if Neah met misfortune while he was away from him. I'm his brother. I should be making sure he's safe. He looked out the window. This was the last train ride and it will just be a bit of a walk towards his brother's dorm. I hope you're safe Neah.
After getting off the train, Mana almost ran towards the dormitory. He needed to see his brother now. He needed to make sure that he was all right. He wouldn't mind if his worries were just for nothing and his idiotic brother just thought to play a joke on him by pretending to be in trouble. It may be a cruel joke. But it's still a joke and Mana will just beat him to a bloody pulp first before hugging him, glad that he's actually just fine and dandy.
He finally reached the building made with bricks. It was an imposing establishment. It was still coloured chocolate brown with greens and whites. Just like a few years ago when he and Neah parted ways.
He knocked on the door. People inside the place are freaks of good manners. Neah blends with them quite well. The fake gentleman. When there was no response, he opened the door and poked his head in. "Excuse me? Hello?"
"Sir?"
Mana almost jumped in surprise at the sudden voice behind him. He turned around and saw a man, around his little brother's age, looking inquisitively at him. He had brown eyes with black wavy hair. His skin was tanned. A foreigner?
"Is there something you need, sir?" the man asked, voice devoid of any accent.
"Oh, good afternoon." Manners. Mana reminded himself. "My name is Mana Walker. I'm looking for my younger brother Neah Walker, have you seen him?"
The man eyed him. His brown eyes showed disdain. Disgust. Mana wondered why he should be looked upon liked that. He didn't smell bad. His clothes looked decent as well. He doesn't deserve such treatment.
"You're his brother?" the man spoke airily. His voice implied that he finds his claim was absolutely absurd.
"Yes, I am. Now where is he?" Mana seethed.
Brown eyes glared at him. Looking at him as if he was just an insect. "Shouldn't the question be 'Do you know Neah Walker?'"
He glared back at the smug prick. He doesn't like him. "Well, you talk as if you know him, bastard."
The man flared and he grabbed him by the collar of his shirt. "Don't talk to me like that, you worthless worm." He gritted in his face. Mana felt fear. The man's brown eyes flashed into burning gold for a second. It might have been his imagination but it was still freaky and scary.
Then the man let him go. Pushing him away rather harshly. Then smiled at him. It was a disturbing and creepy smile. "Of course I know him." He continued as if he didn't threatened Mana a second ago. "He's the Musician." Brown eyes glared at him. "And we're best friends. Like brothers. So of course I know Neah."
Mana let the man's imprudence and threat slide. He knows Neah. He could take him to his little brother. That's what matters now. "Really?" he said. "Could you please take me to him? He hasn't written to me for two weeks. I'm worried about him."
The man's eyes narrowed. "There's no need for that. Neah is just fine. He just needs some rest."
Mana's heart stopped for a moment in shock and worry. "What? Why? What happened? Where is he? I need to see him. Please take me to him. He needs me. I have to see that he's all right. I-"
The man cut him off with a harsh irritated stare. "It's none of your business. He's fine. He's with my family. We're making sure nothing bad happens to him. Your presence is not needed. He's just fine now leave." With that he turned his back on him.
"Wait, you bastard!" Mana grabbed his arm. "Neah is my brother! His life is my business! Take me to him! I need to see that he's fine personally!"
The man growled and took the hand that's gripping him. Then he suddenly twisted it.
Mana's entire arm screamed with pain. He fell to the ground. The man still hadn't let go and twisted his arm even more.
"I've said it once and I won't repeat it ever again. "
Mana was scared beyond his wits. The man's voice changed. It was different than before. It was unnatural. Inhuman.
"Neah is doing fine with my family. He will be safe with my family. Your presence is not needed. So. Just. Leave!" And he threw his limb and walked away.
..
.
Mana shook. That was the most terrifying thing that had ever happened to him. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally. Just who is that man? But his fear was soon overridden by worry. Neah, what happened to you?
..
.
After that incident, Mana still didn't give up. He asked around for his brother's location. The responses were all the same. His brother fell ill weeks ago. A friend of his volunteered to take care of him and he was never seen again.
He felt his worry multiplied a thousand times more. If the friend those people were talking about is the man he encountered in the dormitory…He didn't like that man. He didn't trust him. Neah, where the hell are you? He can't help but feel like his little brother was in danger.
Years passed but Mana kept searching. He never went back to the circus. His priority was Neah. He needs to find him. He needs to see that his little brother was really fine. To be able to live, Mana did street performances. Making people laugh and wonder with his performances. Sometimes, he slept in the streets to save more money. Hotels and inn were a luxury. A place he could only go to whenever he gets a great haul.
Mana never married. He was too caught up with his search that he didn't find himself getting attached with any woman. Although sometimes he thought about Maria, the woman he left behind in his hometown. He will sometimes think of her. Remembering her sweet voice as she sings in the Church Choir. Sometimes he wondered if she was married already. He also wondered if Maria even remembers him: The Clown, her most patient and loving suitor. Mana missed her. But not as much as he missed his brother.
Then one night, it was one of those lucky days. He earned a great deal in his performance at the park. He managed to get a room in an inn. He was already sleeping in the warm comfortable bed when somebody knocked at his door. Who could that be? He's been alone for so long now. He would ever bother checking up on him. Perhaps the person got the wrong room.
He got up and went to the door, opening it. What he saw made him froze on the spot.
..
.
"Long time no see, Mana." Neah greeted, smiling sheepishly.
..
.
He should be hugging him, glad that he finally found his estranged brother but no…Mana did the exact opposite.
"You idiot!" His fist made contact with his little brother's face. "Where in the world did you went off to?" he yelled. "Did you know how long I've been looking for you?" he continued to yell even if his brother looked away guiltily. "What happened to you Neah? Just where did you fucking go?"
Neah had the gall to smile cheekily and reprimanded him. "Language, Mana."
"Neah!"
"Keep it down you two!" a woman yelled from the end of the hall. "Some people are trying to sleep here! If you're going to fight, take it outside you good for nothing…" she grumbled as she went back to her room.
"Sorry, Madame!" His little brother apologized.
Typical Fake Gentleman Neah
"Shut up!" the woman answered back.
Mana grinned. "Serves you right." He mumbled.
Neah looked at him. His smile disappeared. His eyes lost its humour. Then he hugged him. "I missed you." He said as he held him.
In that moment, all of his anger towards his brother vanished. He really can't stay mad at him for so long. Mana returned the hug. "Yeah me too, idiot."
The two of them chuckled as they pulled away from each other. Mana took a good look at his brother. For some reason, Neah looked a bit older. More mature. What happened?
"Neah, what happened to you for the past two years?" he asked. There was a lot of catching up to do. "I've been looking for you. Just where in the world had you been?"
His brother looked down. Avoiding eye contact. "It's better for you not to know."
What? "What did you just said?" Mana said incredulously. "I've left a lot in my life to find you and you're telling me that I should not know what the hell just happened to you?"
"Nobody told you to look for me."
Mana growled in frustration. "Neah, I. Am. Your. Brother. Whether you like it or not, I will look for you no matter what. If you're in trouble, I'll follow you no matter what. I will never leave you alone, do you understand that?"
Neah stared at him. Eyes wide in surprise.
"We're a family. We only had each other left. I refuse to lose you."
..
.
His little brother smiled. It was a sad and a happy smile all at once.
"Stupid brother."
Mana smiled. His world was whole again. He had his family back. He had his brother back.
..
.
After that night, he and Neah travelled together. They perform in the streets together, he's doing clown routines while his brother plays with a harmonica. Mana found it strange that Neah always insists that they don't stay in one place for too long. His reason was something like "I want to see the world" or "I'm getting bored" or whatever his idiotic brother could give to him once he ambushed him with that question. It was exhausting, but he didn't mind. They're together now so everything is going to be fine. Although sometimes, whenever Neah thought he's not looking, Mana will see his brother glanced around suspiciously. Always observing their surroundings like a hawk. It was like Neah was keeping an eye for something. Come to think of it, their travels felt like their running away from something.
Another unusual habit of Neah, as embarrassing as the fact maybe, was his frequent trips to the local brothel. Mana almost went ballistic when, during their first travel, Neah casually asked him to stay in the inn while he enjoys himself at the whorehouse. He couldn't believe how over the years, his little brother turned into a rabid horny fake gentleman, spending the night with different women from time to time. He asked him once "What the hell happened to your ideal woman?" to which Neah just replied jokingly "She's dead since ideal is something impossible to achieve today." For some reason, Mana knew that wasn't really a joke. What happened to you?
His brother also never failed to talk to him with the code they used a long time ago. During their letter writing years. Neah said it always brings good memories. He even taught him a particular set of codes. When Mana inquired about its meaning, Neah just said it was his piano composition. It was very special. It was his masterpiece and it was something he could only share with him. Mana would always smile whenever they write the codes on paper or soil. It was like what they were back to their lives before.
But there came a night where Neah dragged him off to bed and insisted that they move to another place fast. He couldn't understand why but his brother's desperate face made him comply without any questions. The two of them ran out of the inn. They looked around but there were no means of transportation.
"Neah, I don't think this is a good idea." He said.
"Just wait." His brother told him as he frantically ran and went inside a nearby building. One with a carriage parked in front of it. Upon further inspection, Mana realized it was the Police Headquarters. The hell? "Neah!"
He was about to follow his brother inside when he rushed out of the establishment with something at hand. "Neah, what in the world-"
"We have to go now!" Neah said as he dragged him towards the carriage.
Mana's eyes widened. "Are you crazy? This is stealing."
"Of course not. I have a permit to use it." Neah replied as he took the coachman's seat.
"And how did you get that?" Mana asked suspiciously.
"I just asked." Neah answered mysteriously.
A crack of a whip and the two of them where off to the next town hurriedly.
The two of them were silent. The only sounds were the wind, the horses, the wheels and the whip. What has gotten into him? Mana thought. We're in danger. He knew that. He can never know what it was that's a danger to them but he could feel that it was already hot on their heels. Neah… He also knows that Neah has something to do with it. I wish you could just say something to me about this.
"Mana…" his brother called him. His voice deadly serious. "I need you to promise me something."
Neah rarely talks to him like that. Come to think of it, he never talked to him like that.
"Neah…"
"Please…promise me this… Mana."
Mana never said another word and opted to listen intently.
His brother talked cryptically. It was as if he's warning him. He was, at the same time, saying something like a farewell to him.
Keep moving forward.
Before he could even ask for further elaboration, the carriage stopped. They were already in another town.
"Go now, wait for me in the whorehouse."
..
.
"The whorehouse?"
"It's the easiest place to find not to mention safest."
"Safe? Whorehouse?"
Neah gave him a soft smile. "Trust me on this." Then he gave him a hug. "Please don't ever forget your promise." He mumbled.
Mana returned the gesture. "Stop talking like that, Neah. It's as if we'll never see each other ever again."
His brother pulled away from him. "Mana, promise me." He reminded him.
This was an important moment. He cannot understand why but it's important for his brother. "Don't worry, I promise."
Neah gave him another smile. "Go, I'll just need to do something first."
Mana hopped off the carriage. "You won't run off to somewhere again, will you?" he asked as he made contact with the ground. "Remember, I'll find you no matter what."
His brother stared at him for a moment. "Don't worry. I'll come back." He cracked the whip and the carriage started moving. "I'll be back before you knew it." The ride started to gain speed. "Later, Mana!" Neah yelled as he rushed somewhere else, leaving him alone in the empty streets.
After some walk, Mana found his destination. Of course, the brothel was really easy to find. The damned place was absolutely alive during the night. After paying and blushing and apologizing and cursing, he finally found a quiet room in the place with the absence of a woman of course. Although the constant moans and groans he could hear are making his supposed to be "normal" situation embarrassingly awkward. Why does it have to be a whorehouse, of all places?
Mana waited and waited. He didn't know how long but he waited. He avoided thinking too much. He avoided thinking about his promise with his brother. He's not thinking about anything negative. Period. There was something bad out there and his brother is out there. He had to do something but… what? What could he do? Neah kept him in the dark.
Then there was a knock on the door. Mana frantically opened it fully expecting his idiotic brother, smiling sheepishly. But what he saw was entirely different.
It was a man with flaming red hair dressed in all black trimmed with gold. A yellow ball like creature with wings was hovering beside his head. The man reeked of alcohol and wine and something disturbingly abnormal but he can't tell what it was.
"Are you Mana Walker?" the man asked.
Mana frowned. "Yes. Why?"
Dark dark brown eyes, almost red, stared at him. "Neah."
His world fell apart that night. The man said his brother was already dead. Neah was dead. No…no…It can't be…It can't be…
He remembered punching the man in the face, screaming in denial, running off the streets, looking for his brother, calling "Neah" over and over again. He must've looked like a madman to anybody who could see him.
Mana's world fell apart and he didn't know what to do next. What should he do? He lost his brother. He lost his family. He had nothing left. He's all alone.
Keep moving forward.
.
Right…
.
Keep moving forward, Mana
.
He made a promise with Neah.
.
He will continue with his life.
.
He didn't see his brother's dead body.
.
He could still be alive.
.
He will look for his brother.
.
Keep moving forward.
.
I will find you no matter what,
Neah
.
And again, for years Mana looked for his brother going back to performing as a clown in circus troupes. He will always looked at the crowd, making everyone smile while searching each faces for someone he knows so well.
Days and months and years continued to pass by but he didn't give up. Loneliness was eating him alive but he didn't give up. Keep moving forward. He refused to give up. I'll find you…for sure.
Then one day, somewhere in Europe, he met a boy who mourned beside him as he buried a circus dog. For some reason, the moment they met, Mana felt complete. Like he had found something akin to a family. He made fun with the boy and tease him a bit. He laughed until the boy got embarrassed and then laughed with him.
"Would you like to come with me?" he offered his hand.
The boy took it and Mana found a son.
His world started to fix itself in that moment. And ever since then…his days became brighter. It was as bright as those days when he and his brother were together. And… as impossible as it may seem, Mana didn't think too much about Neah anymore. In fact…he didn't make a great effort in his search anymore. His entire world started to revolve only with his son. His little son. Allen.
Mana dusted off the small stuffed teddy bear he sewed for his boy. He then put it on the grave. His mind wandered during their early years together. Perhaps in honour of his deceased brother, he tried to raise little Allen into a mini-Neah. A polite gentleman with a smile that never fails to charm anyone. Impeccable manners and speech that will make any noble envious. He even taught him the code he and his little brother made up during their separation. With Allen, Mana tried to fill the hole in his heart ever since Neah died. It was wrong. But he can't help it.
If ever somebody else found out about it, they might accuse him of just using the poor child but he will deny that. He never ever thought of using Allen. The boy was alone and living a harsh life. He can't leave someone that young in such a state, so he took him in. It was just only icing in the cake when the boy helped him alleviate the sadness he feels.
His love for Allen is also genuine. Yes, he was trying to mould the boy into someone like Neah but what else could he do? He's not much of a good man for the boy to emulate what with him being a school drop-out without a stable job and home and all. Neah was a successful man. Allen would go far if he grows into someone like him. But learning what he teaches him was entirely up to Allen. Allen is his own person. He might not become as polite as Neah, the boy still talks back at some people at times, but he accepts it. Allen and Neah are different. The two of them could and would never ever be the same. Despite of that, he still loves Allen. He will always love Allen just for who he is. Allen is his son and as his father he is bound to love him because he's just Allen. He's not Neah but Mana considers the boy as his entire world. For him, Allen is more than enough reason to continue walking in this life.
Now of course since Allen is not a perfect mini-Neah, the boy had encountered problems interacting with people sometimes which were Mana's problem as well. There was a good reason he chose to become a clown: his facial expression is only limited to smiles and grins and he's only job is to make people laugh. In reality, he had no idea how to make anybody cheer up, seriously! His meeting with Allen was just pure luck. He can't relay his problems and sadness and anger proficiently. He just can't show his negative emotions. Period.
Unfortunately, Allen seemed to take after him in that department. The boy couldn't communicate his negative emotions as well. He also has a bit of a problem saying "I'm sorry" sincerely. Thank God, his brother was watching them from heaven. Neah's spirit seemed to have blessed Allen with his irresistible charm. Anyone who ever met his son would say nothing but praises for the sweet little boy. Allen was adored and loved by everyone in the circus although a few were still vicious and disgusted at him but it was fine. Mana always makes it a point to leave the boy with people he can trust whenever he's performing. And the boy was no push-over too. Allen is resilient and sneaky in taking verbal and physical assaults respectively. But when things are taking too far well…
Mana remembered one instance when an arrogant knife throwing performer dared to harass his son in the animals' tent while the child was doing his job of feeding them. He was worried when one of the acrobats informed him about it and hurriedly went to his aid. Only to find that it was not needed at all since the knife thrower ran out screaming from the tent. As it turns out, Allen had managed to coax the hungry lion into roaring on his behalf when the man has disrupted his work too much. How the boy managed that, Mana didn't know and he didn't want to know. What matters is that Allen is safe.
It was instances like that Mana feared the most. Instances where he couldn't help in anything. He's doing his best to protect his son but he couldn't be with him all the time. Even when together, Mana still can't help him such as his problem with his arm. Allen's left arm was deformed but what made it worse was that he can't move it much at all. He didn't know what was the cause of Allen's disability. He wanted to have the boy checked-up and healed by a decent doctor but he couldn't afford such service. The best he could do was taught the boy how to perform basic acts with just one hand. To live with just his right arm.
He would watch the boy struggle in juggling several balls with just his right hand and he would look away and feel a deep sense of failure in himself. He can't help the boy with his disability. What kind of a father was he? Why can't do anything? But that feeling doesn't compare to the horrifying nightmare last night. Mana closed his eyes as he remembered their last moments together.
It was the boy's birthday, Christmas. It was a joyful evening. Allen was laughing, eagerly following him from behind as they walked towards the circus grounds. He could vividly remember Allen shouting his name, asking what he had as a gift for him that evening. It was just like last year, when they celebrated his second year living with him... Their second Christmas together... The day "Allen Walker" was born. But suddenly there was a rushing carriage and frightened horses then he heard Allen cried his name before feeling himself being pushed by the boy forward rather harshly. Then there was a crash and screams. Snowy white stoned street was drenched with scarlet red. When his mind finally processed what happened, he already saw Allen bloodied and lifeless on the ground a few feet away from him. Gray eyes open but no longer seeing. Right hand outstretched, reaching for him.
Tears fell from Mana's eyes as he remembered how he screamed for his little boy. Denying the reality in front of him. He remembered holding close the small body, still a bit warm with from all the blood. He remembered how he murmured "I love you" and "I'm sorry" and "Please, don't die." He remembered how he gently closed his son's gray eyes after finally accepting the bitter truth.
He's a father but he failed protecting him. He let his own son die in front of him. The child was the one that saved him from danger when it was supposed to be him. He was the one that was supposed to notice that carriage first. He was the one that supposed to save him. He was the one supposed to die. He should've died not Allen. Not his son. Not his young precious son.
Last night, his world fell apart. Allen's gone just like Neah. How should he go on? He had nothing again. When his brother died, he just kept living on to keep his promise with him. It was just that that kept him living for so long. Then he met Allen and everything became better again. His broken life was mended. He now has a new purpose in life. No…He finally had a life again. But now…now…
"Allen" he murmured. His eyes still brimming with tears. "Happy birthday, son." He patted the small teddy bear he handcrafted for the boy. "Did you like it? I've made it myself just for you." He said softly.
He missed the boy so much already. He wanted to hear him laugh again. He wanted to hear his son calling him. He wanted to see those gray eyes again, so bright with happiness and innocence. He wanted to see those sunny smiles that take all his pain and loneliness away.
"I miss you so much Allen. I'm so sorry I've failed you as a father. I'm so sorry. I love you… I miss you."
Mana cried silently. He had never cried like this since Neah's death. He had never felt this hurt since his brother left him alone in this world.
His son has left him behind now as well. He was alone in this world again. He cannot take this. He cannot live like this again.
I miss you so much Allen. God, I'll do anything to have you back with me again.
…
..
.
Mana suddenly felt a presence behind him. Someone was watching him. His heart skipped a beat in fear. The presence…It was sinister. It was suffocating. It was disturbing. It was just like when he met Neah's so called friend. His instincts were screaming for him to make a run for it. To don't look back and just leave the grounds immediately. Mana ignored the feeling instead he gathered his courage. He stood up and turned around to face what it was behind him.
His eyes saw a big fat man wearing a yellow coat and white gloves. On his head was a top hat embellished with colourful flowers. He had golden eyes, like a cat's, peering at him through small round glasses. He was also wearing a smile. A big big smile.
..
.
It was the most terrifying face he had ever seen in his entire life.
Mana was a clown and he knew and saw lots of smiles and grins but the expression the man was wearing…It was unnatural. Inhuman. He wanted to run away from him.
"Good evening~" the strange man greeted.
Mana stared at him. What does he want? He had an awful feeling about this situation.
"I'm the Millennium Earl. Pleased to meet you~" he greeted. His smile never disappearing.
Run! Run away! Run away now! Mana's mind kept screaming but his body could not respond. His feet were firmly rooted to the ground. He clenched his hands into fists. He was trembling. He felt fear. Intense fear. But why? For some reason, Mana kept hearing Neah's words to him during the last night he saw him.
Anything that's lost can never be returned.
Do not take any offers.
Do not be blinded by sweet promises.
Do not wish for anything more.
Accept what you have.
And keep moving forward.
Keep moving forward, Mana.
Whatever happens,
Keep moving forward.
The stranger scrutinized him. His heart raced. What was the connection between Neah's last words and this man? Who is he? What does he want? Mana eyed the Earl warily. He tentatively stepped back.
"Mana Walker~"
Mana instantly stiffened. Fear gripped him. How did he know my name?
The Earl tilted his head. Golden eyes staring at him. His smile never disappearing. "That-" he held out his hand towards the direction behind him. Towards Allen's grave. "That is your son, isn't? Little Allen Walker?"
He instinctively stepped closer to the grave. Because of fear. Because of protectiveness. Because of surprise and fear. How did he know about Allen? Who is he? What does he want?
"What do you want?" he finally found the courage to speak.
The strange man stepped towards him.
Panic filled Mana's whole being. "Get away. Don't come any closer!"
The man didn't stop walking. His glasses gleamed. His smile never disappearing.
"Stay back!"
..
.
"Poor boy…"
Mana broke in cold sweat. How did that happen? Just a second ago, the Earl was in front of him then he blinked his eyes and… He glanced on his side and sure enough, the strange man was there, beside his son's grave. He was patting the cold dark cross, signifying Allen's body six feet under the ground. Mana wanted to push the man away from it. Allen… He's entire being feared the man. He was dangerous. For him…and for some reason, he could also feel that he was a danger to his deceased son as well.
"Get away." He seethed. "Go away."
The "Earl" stopped patting the stone and looked at him.
..
.
"You're his father, Mana Walker, aren't you?"
..
.
Mana hated his prying eyes. He hated his smile. He also hated the fact that the man seems to know so much about him and Allen.
"Yes. Yes I am. Now go away. I don't know you and I'm sure neither does Allen. Now, leave. You are not welcome here."
Please leave. Leave! Mana trembled but he kept his composure. He must not show weakness. He must not show fear. Inside his mind, he was already screaming. Leave! He cannot run away. If he flees, he will leave his son there at the mercy of this strange man. His son is already dead but he could feel that this Earl could still inflict harm to the boy. I won't leave Allen with you. I will protect my son.
"Is that so~" The strange man hummed. His glasses gleaming. His smile never disappearing.
"I'm just here to offer my sincerest apologies, Mr. Walker." His gloved hands patted the cross again. "You've experienced such great loss in this tragedy." He spoke solemnly. "Such a pity, young Allen seemed to be a very good child. His smiles were always warm and sunny."
Mana glared at the man. He was offering condolences. All of his words were in fact the same as those of the mourners that morning. He should say "thank you", right? But this man… It was their first meeting. He never knew this man. He's sure that Allen doesn't either. How could the man say things like that? How could he speak about Allen like that?
"I saw one of your performances once." The Earl stated.
Mana was caught off-guard with that. "I beg your pardon?"
"I saw you and your son perform once. You're part of a circus troupe. Both of you are clowns." The strange man explained. "The two of you were spectacular. You never fail to bring smiles to everyone."
Mana was surprised. Then he felt a bit eased. Then he felt a bit silly. Of course, he might have been part of the audience. A patron. It will explain why he seemed to know them a bit. But Mana still cannot shook off the bad feeling about him. His instincts were still telling him to run.
"I see…" he replied as he relaxed himself a bit. Just a bit.
"He was a talented young boy. That little Allen." The Earl glanced at him then back to the grave. "I've never seen anyone juggled so many things with just one hand while balancing on a ball on top of a rolling barrel."
Mana chuckled at the memory. "Yes…" He remembered his son's laughs as he practiced diligently and his tantrums whenever he fails to complete a routine. "Yes, he was a talented kid. One of a kind."
"You must have been very proud of him."
"I am." He replied, his lips forming a sorrowful smile. "I am proud of him."
There was silence after that but it was a comfortable one. The tension seemed to have dissipated while they talked about Allen. Mana smiled even wider. Even in death, you still make me feel better, Allen. But there was still a faint voice in his head. Insistently telling him to run. He ignored it. There seemed to be no reason for him to flee. The man was strange. His smile may be disturbing but he looked someone who has good intentions. He even offered him condolences when the man clearly just knew them through their performances. I'm just paranoid. That's it. Paranoid.
"Do you miss him?" the Earl asked suddenly.
"I do." Mana replied without missing a beat. "I miss him so much. I just lost him last night but it feels like…" He can't find the right words to describe his devastation.
"I know. I understand." The Earl said sincerely. "I know how it feels to lose someone close to the heart as well."
"He died in front of me." The words just flew out of his mouth. He was speaking at will. Sharing everything. Showing vulnerability. Mana felt at ease. He felt like he could easily talk to this strange man. He felt at ease even though a tiny part of him wants to run away.
"I know. I understand. I lost someone that way too." The Earl's voice carried sadness and regret but there was a hint of something in it. Mana cannot say what it was but it didn't sound good. It wasn't good at all. But he ignored it. He focused instead on the fact that they have something in common. He was not alone. I am not alone.
"You know…" Mana looked up and saw gray skies and falling snow.
The strange man regarded him patiently. Waiting his next words.
"You know… I never got the chance to say I love him." Mana closed his eyes and he could clearly see Allen smiling, saying "I love you" to him over and over again. "My son never fails to say that he loves me every single day." He opened his eyes and looked at the Earl. It was absurd. He was confessing to a total stranger. "But I have never said anything like that to him. Everyday… I didn't. Even yesterday during his birthday, I didn't." He stared again at his son's grave. "I never said anything like that to him. I'm his father but I never did. I never did until it was too late." He could no longer hear me. No matter how much I scream for him. No matter how many times I say I love him. He would never hear me. Never again.
"There's no such thing as too late~" The Millennium Earl said gleefully.
Mana was startled at the sudden change of his mood. The man's smile seemed to be wider. A voice inside his mind screamed Run! Now!
"I've told you before Mana. I've lost someone very dear to me too." Golden eyes stared at him. Mana felt like those eyes were actually staring his soul. His instincts told him to run but his heart told him to stay. To listen to this man as he had listened to him.
"It was an extremely painful feeling. I know." The Earl rested a hand on the cold stone cross, on Allen's gravestone. "And I don't want anyone feeling that way ever again. So I studied sorcery and I made a way."
Mana was firmly rooted on his spot. He clung at the man's every word. He felt enchanted. He felt like he was going to witness a miracle. He can't run. He didn't want to run.
He could hear Neah's last words while the Earl spoke to him.
Anything that's lost can never be returned.
"I made a way for the dead to come back to the living."
Do not take any offers.
"I know your pain, so I came here to offer you a gift."
Do not be blinded by sweet promises.
"I could bring back your son to you."
Do not wish for anything more.
"I could make Allen live again."
Accept what you have.
"You want that don't you? To have your little boy beside you again?"
And keep moving forward.
"I'm sure you'll be able to live a happier life that way."
Keep moving forward, Mana.
"What do you say Mana?"
Whatever happens,
"Will you take my offer?"
Keep moving forward.
"Would you want to see Allen again?"
Mana's couldn't speak. He was confused. He loves Allen. He wants to see him again. He wants to hold his little boy again so much. But to do that… He will break his promise with Neah. Whatever happens, keep moving forward. If he took the Earl's offer… Will Neah approve of that? Will Allen be happy with that?
"I…" he hesitated. "I…"
The Earl tilted his head as he brushed off the white snow on the boy's gravestone.
"He was just an adopted son, right?"
Mana stiffened at that. How did he know?
"Poor boy, abandoned by your own real parents." The Earl's voice held pity with a hint of malice. Mana's mind screamed Run!
"Mana, do you think Allen is happy in the afterlife?"
Mana's entire world came to a screeching halt. His thoughts became occupied with only one thing. Is Allen happy?
"Do you think he's happy there without you by his side?"
Is Allen all right?
"He might be all alone there."
Allen…
"You don't want your son to be lonely, don't you?"
"I…" he glanced at his son's grave. "I want him to be happy." He spoke the truth. He was confused. His mind was in disarray but there was one clear truth. "If he's happy then I'm happy as well."
Mana didn't understand how it was possible but the Earl's smile grew even wider.
"Well then~" the strange man sing sang. Then as if by magic, a black mannequin appeared beside him… It foreboded something awful but Mana was entranced by it.
"I'll help you with that. There's nothing more beautiful in this world than seeing a reunited family!" The Earl took his hand and dragged him in front of the doll. "Mana, I want you and your son to be happy. I don't want the two of you to feel anymore sadness. Sadness doesn't fit with clowns." He pushed him closer to the doll. His gloved hands rested on both of his shoulders. "Now Mana, to be able to see your son again, you'll need to call his name."
Mana felt like he was in a trance. This is bad. But the offer… Allen… "His name? All I need is to call his name?" Allen, I want to see you.
"Yes~" The Earl let him go and stepped back. A foot away from him. "Just call your son's name and you'll be together again. You'll be happy. The two of you we'll never be alone ever again. You will never part until the world ends."
..
.
The offer was too good to be true. He knows there's a catch in this. He knows he's breaking his promise to his brother with this. But… But…
Allen…
He took a deep breathe.
My son…
Mana screamed.
"Allen!"
White ink elegantly scribbled his son's name on the mannequin's skull like head. Then it jerked into life. It's head tilting down to him. "Ma-Mana?"
Hearing that voice, Allen's voice, he rushed towards the mannequin and hugged it tightly. "Allen." He murmured. He was so happy that his son was with him again. The Earl really revived him. "You're back. You're really back."
"Mana, why?" there was despair in his son's voice but he didn't heed it. Maybe he was just hearing things. Yes, he was just hearing things. Allen was happy to see him as well, wasn't he?
"I love you, Allen." He told him. It was the real reason he agreed with this. To be able to finally tell his son how much he loves him. "I love you so much, son."
"Mana…" Fear, despair and sadness laced the boy's voice. "Ma-mana…Please…run…"
He didn't move away from the mannequin. He refused to let go of his son. "No." I've already lost Neah. I've almost lost you. I refuse to lose you.
"Mana, please."
..
.
"Allen" The Millennium Earl said menacingly behind him. All his kindness and sincerity gone. Vanished. There was nothing left but viciousness and malice. "I want you to kill this man and wear his skin!"
..
.
The black mannequin convulsed at the command. Refusing to move while desperately trying to move as well.
"Mana, run!" Allen's voice pleaded.
"No." Mana said firmly as he held him. "No, I won't."
...
..
.
Allen let out a bloodcurdling scream as he stabbed his father to death.
..
.
His son's black arm ran through his chest.
..
.
Blood oozed from the fatal wound.
..
.
Drip
.
Blood dripped on the snowy ground.
.
Drip
.
Brown and white became spattered with red.
.
Drip
.
Rich rich red.
.
Drip
.
Drip
.
Drip
..
.
Mana's life was slowly slipping away.
..
.
But
..
.
Mana doesn't feel any pain or fear.
..
.
There was nothing but joy and relief in his whole being.
..
.
He held on tightly to the black mannequin possessing his son's soul.
..
.
I won't be alone.
You won't be alone.
I won't ever let you go.
We will be together
Always
..
.
"I love you, Allen."
..
.
The End
Moyashi-neechan: Told you it's twisted. ^.^' (Dear, Lord... I wonder what this says about my mentality o.0)
This was originally a fic revolving around Mana's thoughts before his deaths (Both the first and second one) but the plot bunnies said it was not good enough so yeah...this became AU. Allen died and Mana was left behind at the mercy of the Millennium Earl.
This was one of the difficult fics that I have to write ( The Inevitable Path is the benchmark). Yes, it's another one-shot with a depressing ending but it's a bit better than the other one... I think... Come on, it's bittersweet! At least Mana and Allen and Neah are together now!... I'm just deluding myself aren't I?
Allen: You turned me into an Akuma!
Me: No I didn't, Mana did!
Allen: You made him do it!
Me: No I didn't, the Earl did!
Allen: Why did you kill me in the story? Come to think of it... Why do you always make me suffer so much in your stories?
Me: Come on, Allen. I did those because I love you! Now give me a hug!
Allen: Ack! You're like Road!
Me: *grins*
Allen: Are you a Noah?
Me: As far as I'm concerned... No?
Allen: *Backs away* CROWN CLOWN!
Me: Wai- wait! Allen! *quickly runs away* Oh, by the way, thanks for reading this fic! Enjoy your day! Ack! Allen stop! I'm not a Noah! EEk!
Paging! Paging!
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Thank you for your cooperation.