In My Skin
So I haven't been around for a while but most of all this is my first M. Post Allison Disappearance
M for Self Harm and Drug Use
Hanna's POV
The way they all look at me is strange. Like they all could smell me or knew what was going on. They knew where I was going and what I was going to do. All their eyes looked at me and knew , they all pressed against my body. The diner was not filled and I was only with Sean. There were a few other customers there too as well as waiters. I stop at the door and look behind me to make sure no one was following me. I slowly searched the bathroom. Checking the stalls and seeing no one was here.
I slowly went to the farthest stall I could get in and locked the door. I took off my jacket and hung it up on the little hook. I then crouched down on to my knees. I listened for any noises and none were heard. I put my purse down next to me. I looked down at the toilet. It was mocking me , teasing me , asking for me just to do it. I am no foreigner to this ritual. Whenever I go out to eat I do this. I feel disgusted doing this. I wonder what Sean thinks I'm doing. Though the minute seams to be like 10 in my head. I always got nervous when this happened. I moved the hair in my face behind my ear.
Slowly I put one finger in and slowly move it around. It is almost like a blowjob , only difference is that something is coming from the other end.I slowly put a second finger in and the two latch on to the back of my throat. The way my fingers touch my throat is kind of soothing in a manic way. They way how they are enticing me on their own to do this. Like they know what is best for me. They always win , they know how to make me believe this will make me feel better.
The acid hurts my throat in a good way. The globs of floating brown mush also stare at me. They want me to do it more. Their smell is telling me to walk away though. I know I can't walk away until I satisfied. I need to be skinnier and this is the only way I know how to do it.
I repeat my actions for about 3 or 4 more minutes until the smell and the chunks of puke are covering my hand. The skin is now damaged with the smell and there is nothing that seems wrong to me. I just let it all out. Though the bathroom door opens and I quickly get up and slush that god damned fucking toilet. I put on my coat and check my hair just in case. I also take a few 5 or 6 pills that I stole. Weight loss ones. They easily go down along with my anti-depressants. I go back out and wash my hands knowing that the smell won't go away soon. The woman exits the stall and smiles at me. She knows how long I've been in here. She knows what happened. I can tell and it sucks.
I just want to die right now , but I don't have the will. I want to disappear and sink into a bottomless ocean where no one can judge me. I walk out with my head high and I sit back down saying that my dad called me. I take a sip of my drink and automatically want to go back. My body is craving to go back and get rid of this excess food. I can smell my hand and I know the smell wont go away. It will torment me and linger in my mind until I feed the lion. Until I feed the parasite slowly killing me.
Part Uno of 3 . All three are really short just saying It gets more sexual in the second or thrid part. The next part will be when she is with Sean post Ali discovery and the last part will be with Caleb. If you have any quetions pm me.