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Okaaay, just a quick Authors note first to state that I don't own Tales of Symphonia, any of the characters, etc. I'm sure you know the drill by now. Secondly, thanks for taking a peek at this (my first fanfic) in the first place. Please read on and (hopefully) enjoy…oh, and feel free to comment – as long as it is constructive then it will be welcome. Story One begins below.
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But as long as I am making progress, that's the main thing, right? In reflection, I don't think anybody could have been justified in calling me naive, and yet there have been times where it has been easy, far too easy, to believe that change would have occurred overnight. Still, at least there have been some improvements, like the broadening of my vocabulary and emotional range.
Forgive me in beginning this somewhat speculatively. You may think that I am referring in some respects to my conflicted feelings towards Regal and Altessa. Those that I called my allies…and now my friends had surely earned my forgiveness on so many occasions and yet I was unable to give it until recently. So yes, I can allow you that assumption. But only in part. For there are so many things that I have yet to come to terms with; questions whose elusive answers, or issues I sought some degree of closure on at our journeys end. I guess you could call me naïve then after all, for thinking that during those long warm nights among friends, or the cold ones I spent alone, these loose ends could have been plucked free, or tied into the thread of events responsible for me sitting here now.
I know now – well, to be true to myself I have known for a while, that I will never get back my lost time, that those precious years stolen from me will never be returned. I've been resigned to that fact for so long, you'd expect that I'd have come to terms with it by now. And, for the most part, I have accepted it. But I can't ignore the nagging frustration in the back of my thoughts, the 'what ifs' that still cause me to grow restless if my mind isn't occupied, or to lose sleep at night. I don't know if I'll ever truly be able to come to terms with it. But I am trying. And I am making progress.
I sit here musing, watching the catalyst of that change tend to our mounts before we eat an evening meal at another different, if familiar, inn in a different, if familiar, town.
I apologise if my feeling déjà vu makes me sound apathetic or shallow, as that was not the intent. It would still appear that even now, sometimes, I have difficulty expressing my feelings. Another thing that will come in time I guess, yet it's the one thing I really want to be able to do now. But I digress.
What I meant to say was that wherever I go, and whatever I do, I'm going there, and doing it with him. Lloyd. He is the constant in my life, the reason for that familiarity and the reason why I feel so content these days. And if my musings appear sentimental or frivolous, then I apologise. Its sometimes hard still to vocally express myself for long periods of time, and through these thoughts I can come to terms with these feelings so much more easily. So please excuse my self-indulgence.
I still can't believe myself sometimes for thinking myself lucky, if that's the right term to use. Thinking back, right back when I first began travelling with Lloyd's group, I can remember, through the haze that comes from time passing, and the…influence…of that Exsphere, I can remember the hesitance, and the scepticism that hid behind concerned eyes. Not that I hold it against them. What I was…and what I had, no, have done…well, my friends are my friends, and I cannot condemn their justified feelings therewith.
But Lloyd. You were never doubtful, nor critical. Right from the beginning to the end, and even when my actions were responsible for Colette's capture, you never once judged me, never once let me feel responsible. That meant so much to me, and if it was the only thing I had to repay you for I doubt I could achieve it in one lifetime.
Colette. Now that I think about it, I felt for certain that when the journey was over, Lloyd would be returning back to his village with her, Genis and maybe Raine. Then, once while we were travelling, I remember him saying about going on a trip to collect all the Exspheres, and for some reason it made me feel; fear, loss, concern.
I remember thinking, "Is he going on his own?" or "Is he going to go with Colette?" I wondered if I would ever see him again after our journey came to an end, and felt frustrated at not being able to understand what it was exactly that I was feeling. I kept hoping that others would want to join him on the trip, so that I would have an excuse to follow too. These emotions – I don't think I'd actually felt them before. Jealousy? Love? Complicated things. But when I finally began to understand them, it opened up new problems, especially later when I learned that these were the same things Genis had been feeling about me. That made me feel bad. Looking back, my lack of understanding must have seemed very cold. It was probably the reason why I never suspected that I actually loved Lloyd. Through Genis, I had only been the admired, not the admirer. I guess it never really registered with me.
Ah Genis, if I could relive those days with the benefit of hindsight then I would be more aware of your feelings, for I love you like the brother you were to me. So many things only become clear with the passage of time. Life is rarely fair.
Lloyd, you filled the void in my heart and life. Flanoir, Heimdall. Both were nights I will never forget, even though we have spent countless nights together since.
In Flanoir I saw snow fall for the first time with you. I mean, I had already seen snow before of course, while journeying there, but I had never seen it fall for that long. That night, you made me feel so confident, so strong and, you made me feel so hopeful. I felt like I had found a place, finally.
And Heimdall, when you said, "lets grow older together", and we made that promise, I've never cried so much before in my life. Relief, joy, comfort and content, funny how these things can make you respond with tears.
And you know, he never went back on that promise. Even when Mithos took my body, Lloyd came for me. He didn't leave me. I doubt I will ever be able to put into words how powerful the feelings I felt then were. There are many different ways you can love someone, and they all apply to the way I feel about Lloyd. Again, I must apologise for my maudlin expressions. Its merely my own platform for appreciating that who I am…and who I am becoming, I owe it all to Lloyd.