These characters are obviously not mine. I'm just borrowing them for a few moments. :Thinks of all the fun I could have if I had them, wicked grin: Too bad. --;

Heero's Journals.

Entry One: A new Page...

I was told to write if I experienced any emotions and separate them from me. As I think they're getting stronger with time, I doubt this will work, but I guess it's worth a shot. It's been a while since I found the urge to write, but I found my previous book was full. I guess I can't seem to shut up when talking to an inanimate object which no one will see. Oh well, whatever works right? So here I am starting a new page in a new book.

I don't know what I can say that you haven't heard before so I guess I'll write a little of everything that was in the other book as a starting point.

It's been four years of torture, knowing you're sitting right next to me but that you'd be disgusted if you knew how much I have to struggle to keep my emotionless facade up when all I want to do is snuggle up against you and purr my contentment. I don't know how my mind got so fixed on you. You were always there by my side it seems. Always there to watch my six. It hurt when you chose to leave and live somewhere else at the end of the war, but it's not like I ever gave you a reason to stay right? Then one day you appeared out of nowhere. I didn't know what to do, what with you just standing there, practically in the doorway, for so long. I wondered if you'd stay.

But you did stay.

Sometimes I wish... I were strong enough
to say to your face what I try to hide inside...
Sometimes I wish I could read your mind
and know that I'm not the only one.
I don't know if I even have anything more to give
but for you I'd try...

Every day you work next to me with that boisterous energy that irritates me and intrigues me all the time and it gets harder to control myself; to fall back on the training that has gotten me through so much. No matter how hard I try to remain aloof, you never stop trying to provoke emotion out of me. And I wonder if and how you've seen the me behind my walls.

I'm not so different from everyone else. The reputation that I'm some perfect soldier has chased away many of these imbeciles they've tried to partner me with before I even did anything to them. :malicious grin: These stupid peacetime people pretending they knew what war was. I can't stand that. But to be fair... I haven't tried to change their minds. None of them were you; I shouldn't have held that against them, but I'd rather work alone then with the ghost of a memory.

It's a dream...

Always a dream...

I should know from the start because I'd never get up the courage to actually face you with out the walls, without my masks. Yet here I am curled up against your side, where I want to be, letting someone else be strong for once. But every time I allow myself to dream, to believe, to follow along as if this time might be different. And I won't wake up alone. It hurts so much sometimes it's almost a physical pain and I want to chase you away to be left alone again.

Going into a situation blind has never been my strong suit... I always have to know what I'm going to encounter and then how to react and that's what makes this so unbelievably impossible. Just by the nature of the situation and that emotions are involved this is a given. That 'leap of faith' or something... but I'm too afraid to throw it all away.

So instead I hide and watch you from afar and wish you all the happiness in the world...

Regardless of what I wish...