Pit sulked through the halls of Smash Mansion. He hated everyone calling him stupid. He wasn't that stupid, was he? He'd show them. But how? He couldn't read so writing anything was out of the question. Science was too confusing as he found out when Viridi tried to teach him biology by using big words like "hetreotroph" and "homozygous." Math looked like gibberish and didn't make any sense. There was imaginary numbers for crying out loud. History was okay but Palutena gave up on trying to teach him that because he kept asking too many questions.
Suddenly, the angel was struck with an idea. He could learn another language. A human language. It actually might come in handy when doing his work. But the only people who spoke another human language were Mario, Luigi, Wario, and Marth. Marth was too busy assessing Luciana's sword skills and besides, Japanese didn't use the same letters as most other languages. He couldn't read English. So how was he going to learn Japanese? That left him with only one option. Italian.
"Hey Luigi," Pit said as he approached the man in green, "can you teach me Italian?"
"Italian? Why do you want to learn that?" Luigi asked.
"I want to prove to myself I can learn another language." Pit said, partially lying. "Plus it might help me communicate with humans that don't speak English. It is my job to protect them."
"Alright. Italian only has twenty-one letters." Luigi explained. "The first is A which is pronounced 'ah.' Next is B pronounce 'beh.' C is 'cheh,' D is 'deh,' E is 'eh,' F is 'feh,' G is 'jeh,' H is 'ak,' I is 'ee,' there is no J or K, L is 'leh,' M is 'meh,' N is 'neh,' O is 'o' P is 'peh,' Q is 'cu,' R is 'reh,' S is 'seh,' T is 'teh,' U is 'oou,' V is 'voou,' there is no W, X, or Y, and Z is 'dzeta.'"
"O...kay? Can you go a little slower?" Pit asked.
"Repeat after me." Luigi instructed. "A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, Z."
Pit blinked in confusion. Luigi had said it too fast and it sounded nothing like the English alphabet. Luigi noticed his confusion and sighed. "If you're looking for a language similar to English, try German. English is a Germanic language whereas Italian is Romance."
"So if I speak Italian, does that mean I'll get a date?" the angel asked.
Luigi face palmed. "No Pit. Romance languages are based off Latin, the language spoken in Ancient Rome. There's Western Romance which is French, Portugese, Spanish, and Italian. Then there's Eastern Romance which is Romanian. Once you learn one Western Romance, the rest are somewhat easier. It would be like learning Slovenian and then studying Croatian as both are Southern Slavic languages."
"Slavic? Slovenian? Croatian?" Pit repeated in confusion. "What are those?"
"Slavic is a language group consisting of Southern, Eastern, and Western. Slovenian is the language spoken in Slovenia and Croatian is the language spoken in Croatia." the plumber explained.
"I'm still confused."
"Just go ask Mario."
"Hey Mario, can you teach me Italian?" Pit asked the famous hero.
Mario looked at him suspiciously. "I'm not even going to ask why, but sure. Buon giorno Signor Pit. Come sta?"
"What?"
"I said 'Good morning' and asked how you were." Mario explained. "You response would be 'Bene' or 'Non c'è male.'"
"What does that mean?" the angel asked.
"'Fine' and 'Not bad.'"
"Wait a minute. Isn't 'Bonjour' French for something?" Pit questioned.
"Sì, but I said 'Buon giorno.' It's spelled completely different and it's two words." the plumber replied. "Moving on. 'Ciao' has two meanings. It is the informal 'hello' and the informal 'goodbye.' Now in Romance languages, it is very important to address people the correct way. I addressed you formally. If you say 'Ciao. Come va?' to a stranger, you will offend them. The informal yous are 'tu' and 'voi.' Voi is plural. The formal yous are 'Lei' and 'Loro.' Loro is plural and is only used in extremely formal situations. Now there are also two genders in Italian. Masculine and feminine. It is important that gender and quantity always agree in you sentence. And- Are you listening, Pit?"
"Uh...you kind of lost me." Pit replied.
Mario facepalmed. "Why don't you go find something else to learn."
Pit left Mario and approached the villains' hangout. This was his last chance to learn Italian and show everyone he wasn't stupid. He approached Wario to find him playing cards with Dark Pit. "Pittoo? I thought you weren't evil?"
"Don't. Call. Me. Pittoo." he replied through gritted teeth. "And is it illegal to play cards with someone?"
"No." Pit answered before turning to Wario. "Hey Wario, can you teach me Italian."
Dark Pit started laughing but Wario stopped him, smirking viciously. "Of course I can teach you one phrase so you can show your goddess. Repeat after me, 'Signorina Palutena, sei una stronza. Vaffanculo.'"
"Signorina Palutena, sei una stronza. Vaffanculo?" the angel repeated.
"Bravismo. Now go show your goddess."
As soon as Pit was out of earshot Dark Pit turned to Wario. "What did you tell him to say?"
"Lady Palutena, you are a bitch. Fuck off." the fat, greedy man translated.
"Palutena's going to kill you."
"Lady Palutena! Lady Palutena!" Pit cried as he entered the library. The goddess was with Zelda and the two Robins. "Wario taught me some Italian."
Palutena raised an eyebrow. "Did he now?" Pit eagerly shook his head. "And what phrase did he teach you?"
"Signorina Palutena, sei una stronza. Vaffanculo." Pit repeat with pride, obviously not knowing what it meant.
"Pit," male Robin said awkwardly, "did Wario tell you what that means?"
"No." the angel admitted.
Robin leaned close to Pit and whispered, "You just called her a bitch and told her to fuck off."
Pit gasped in horror before turning beat red. "I am so sorry Lady Palutena. I didn't know what it meant. Honestly!"
Palutena shook her head. "I know that already. Wario tricked you. Next time, get a book or come to me if you want to learn a language. I'd be happy to teach you since I know many."
"Really Lady Palutena?"
"Of course Pit. And I forgive you. Just tell Hades next time we see him 'Sei uno stronzo. Vaffanculo!' You have my permission."
I'm finally back in Super Smash Bros! I've been completely obsessed with Hetalia to the point where I neglect my other fandoms. I am learning Italian and it's so amazing! I know the alphabet by heart and can conjugate 'essere' and '-are' verbs. And the G in giorno is pronounced like a J which is why Pit confused it with Bonjour (French for Hello). And yes, I can cuss in Italian and some French and some German and some Southern Slavic. But anyway, I might not be in the Super Smash Bros section often since I've been writing a lot of Hetalia. Just a one-shot here and there.
Arriverderci!