I had Stupid Boy by Keith Urban in my head and I couldn't help but write this. Sorry but it's pretty bad but hope at least someone will like it.
Natalia had been a beautiful baby and child, wild and free, carefree and happy. She was one of a kind, a special kind of precious flower, growing wild and innocent, different enough to be special, untamed. She had loving parents and the world at her feet and then came the fire. Ever since she had been fenced in, her wildness penned in, controlled and used. Turns out someone else had seen the special within her but had seen its uses. The Russians should have known that they couldn't fence that in forever, even as they stole her dreams and crushed her plans, not letting her even think that she had a choice.
S.H.I.E.L.D had thought that since she had defected to them, they could now control her, fence her in, bend her to their will. They only saw her uses not her as a person, just like every other person in her life that she could remember. It was easier to just let them believe that whilst still second guessing every order that she was given and wondering how this was actually helping to clear her ledger. She had been young when she had started but she was still young now, young and still impressionable after all the mind games she had been put through.
She had been impressionable to them and had gone along with them, not knowing she had a choice. The only voices she could hear were the Red Room in her head telling her she wasn't worth it, that all she was was a weapon to be used. No one at S.H.I.E.L.D, not even her new partner, Clint Barton, noticed this. Everyone assumed that she was ok because that was how she acted. They never imagined that someone her age could have a permanent mask that she never let slip, hiding her emotions and feelings.
Even when she was alone, she didn't let herself break. She was alone in a new place and she was scared. This was nothing like she had ever known so she reverted to her training that had been ingrained in her since she could remember. She acted like everything was fine, that she was a cold-hearted, emotionless assassin, the perfect weapon her creators had always imagined her to be.
The person who came closest to seeing through her act to begin with had been Maria Hill. S.H.I.E.L.D was dominated by men who didn't understand women well and most had had little interaction with them beyond one night stands and missions. They didn't understand the compilations and the fears the way another woman could. Maria Hill had been different though. She had been young like Natasha herself, she wasn't Natalia anymore she reminded herself, and she hadn't been afraid of the young assassin.
Maria had seen something in Natasha that made her think that there was more to her than she let people see, dreams and wishes that she had been denied all her life, but Fury kept her too busy to contemplate on it for too long. In the small amounts of spare time she had, she had tried to befriend the Russian but, despite seeming to accept the friendship, Natasha remained closed off and Maria forgot all about it.
People came and went but no one saw the hidden depths of the assassin and spy. Dreams that she still held on to, still hoped that, one day, could possibly true all the while recalling what she had always been told, that she would never be good enough to be anything but a spy, a killer.
S.H.I.E.L.D never told her this but their mistake had been to never tell her anything otherwise. Voices overlapped in her head, S.H.I.E.L.D, Red Room, where were the differences in the end when you looked at it. They only saw a weapon, something to be used for purposes they wanted, even if S.H.I.E.L.D was slightly better and less evil that Red Room had been.
Natasha had stayed though; she had had nowhere else to go. This had been all she had ever known and somehow, in some warped way, it had become her safety blanket that she wasn't ready to let go of, to give up, just yet.
The Avengers had been more of a breath of fresh air, new people who Natasha hoped may see her as the free little girl she had once been but all they had seen was the spy and the assassin who had wanted the save her partner and stayed along for the ride afterwards. It never crossed their minds that she may have had hidden layers, that hadn't mattered in the heat of the battle and they had split up in the aftermath.
Natasha had realised something when she had dropped Clint off (he had wanted to be alone). What was stopping her anymore? She had always felt she was more of a free spirit, a penned in force that had been longing to be let wild again. What was stopping her from doing just that, leaving it all behind, flying free?
It had taken her a while to figure it all out but there was nothing holding her down. No one could stop her from finally following her dream, running away and starting afresh. She could run. When she did figure it out, well, it didn't take long for her to be long gone.
Maria understood when she heard that no one could trace the Black Widow. She had known that there had been something in Natasha, something that would never be controlled by anyone and she didn't feel bad for not pushing it. It wouldn't have done any good at the time, Natasha hadn't been ready, but now, now Natasha was where she wanted to be.
None of the men understood. They hadn't seen the misunderstood girl, woman, beneath the hard outer shell she had and portrayed. They didn't see her longing to be set free, to leave everything behind her and just fly away. It was her nature, Maria had told them, she wasn't one to be tied down and they could accept that. She was long gone now, anyway, it didn't matter what they thought about it or how they felt.
Natalia Roberts was a free spirit with a blank slate. She could do whatever she wanted to do, drive for days without a care in the world. Natalia Roberts was where she was meant to be, she had taken the choice and she had flown with wings she never knew she had. She was long gone, long gone.
Sorry, this isn't great but I didn't have the heart to delete it so I thought I would post it anyway. So anyway, I'll explain why I came up with it.
Natasha doesn't seem to me like the type of person to stay around for long, to be controlled by people she doesn't want to be if she can help it and I loved the idea of he getting a chance to be free and live out her life the way it could have if she had never gotten taken by the Red Room. It's a bit OCC so sorry about that. For those of you who didn't see it, Natalia Roberts is the name Natasha takes when she leaves.
Unbeta'd so sorry for any and all mistakes in it.