Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet re-write
Dedicated to all the re-writes I have read and enjoyed with a good laugh
Enter All characters that have ever been featured previously in this book, because if I didn't limit myself that much, then I could go on for hundreds of pages…
Romeo
If I may trust the flattering truth o… WAIT A MINUTE! WHAT ARE ALL OF YOU DOING HERE?!
Everyone starts chattering and looking around confused…
Romeo (louder than everyone else)
STOP IGNORING ME!
A strange silence falls over the crowd
Romeo
Where did all of you come from?
Old Montague (pointing into no where in particular)
I think it was the writer.
Everyone
Shakespeare?!
Shakespeare
T'was not I. My, all of you speak a strange tongue… Therefore, as you can see, truly it was not I.
He looks around confused.
Why am I in such an odd location?
Loud booming voice out of no where
It was me…
Romeo
Who are you, and why are you causing this madness?
Loud booming voice out of no where
Now, you will all stop speaking as if this were a script, putting spaces in between each line takes up space on paper and wastes my time. I much prefer popular chat room formats for speaking, so that is how you will speak from now on. You are all now at my disposal and are here purely for my amusement, so amuse me. Old Capulet, as I deem you responsible for all the misery caused here, I will punish you.
turns Old Capulet into an iguana, Lady Capulet faints
Friar Laurence: That was grammatically incorrect; you should have said "I turn Old Capulet into an iguana and Lady Capulet faints."
Loud booming voice out of no where: Do not argue with me! I am writing this re-write, not you. I said I would write it in chat room format and when something is written in chat room format "" means an action has taken place and you speak of yourself in the third person. Furthermore, YOU did not turn Old Capulet into an iguana, I did, for your insolence, you shall pay.
A pack of rabid dogs appears out of no where and starts chasing Friar Laurence
Friar Laurence: YELP! Starts running for his life
Friar John: Uh… Sir? In Friar Laurence's defense, this is fifteen hundreds. Maybe he has not yet heard of this "Chat room format" of which you speak.
Loud booming voice out of no where: (as if speaking to a baby) Are you trying to defy me? Yes you are… I think you are! Would you like to be turned into a carrot? Yes you would. I think you would! Turns Friar John into a carrot
Everyone: Gasps, several men faint, the women are fine
Lady Montague: (Suddenly realizes what's going on) What? Capulet is an iguana now. Eureka! This whole stupid feud was because of him. Now that HE is out of the way, THE BLOCK OF CHEESE IS OURS! (Lady Montague goes crazy rolling around on ground laughing). THEY ALL DIED OVER A BLOCK OF CHEESE!
Booming loud voice out of no where: (Thinking aloud to self) Now, to place Romeo and Juliet in another story for the sake of doing things that do not make sense. Which story should it be though? Jack and Jill, Star Wars, Sleeping beauty, Romeo and Juliet…
Romeo: Raises finger to say something, but then thinks better of it
Booming Loud voice out of no where: HA! NONE OF YOU NOTICED MY NAME CHANGED, BUT IT DID! It USED to be "Loud booming voice out of no where", but now it's "Booming loud voice out of no where".
Nurse: Uh… I di…
Benvolio: Throws hand over the nurse's mouth to potentially save her life.
Friar Laurence: screams like a little girl Dogs are after me! (Everyone ignores him)
Booming loud voice out of no where: Now… Where was I? Oh yeah! Wiggles nose (of course, none of the characters present can see this, as the voice IS out of no where) and Romeo and Juliet appear in hear-wrenchingly sad scene out of (sniff) Titanic. Now… points to Juliet, even though no one can see him YOU are Jack, and points to Romeo YOU are Rose. Make me cry.
Rose: (Romeo wearing a soaking wet dress on piece of floating wood) What the…
Jack: (do I really need to tell you where (s)he is?) C-c-c-c-cold-d-d-d…
Rose: JULIET!
Jack: shivering R-r-romeo… (s)he lets go and dramatically sinks away
Rose: Starts crying, and dives in after Juliet (Jack)
The End
(Now THAT is a play I would have paid to see! The remaining characters all faint and we dump the water from the tank in the last scene on the crowd)